Damon

I really don't think I can do it anymore. Any of this. Graham's family is kind of a mess. I hate to admit it, but I wish I had never convinced him to come here. I've seen Graham sad, I've seen him panicked, I even thought I'd seen him angry. This trip brought out some really nasty sides of him that I know we're going to have to deal with when we get home.

I haven't fully forgiven him for what he said to me at the bar. I mean, really? He asked me to kiss him and then got irate when we got caught. He also doesn't realize that this relationship is a two way street. I didn't ask for him to love me. He's assuming I forced him or something but it just doesn't work like that. We still need to talk about what happened. All I got from him so far was anxiety filled apology. I know he means it, but the wound is still so fresh.

The thing about relationships is that no matter how mad you are at your partner, if they need you, you have to be there for them. That is why I'm comforting Graham so tenderly as sobs wrack his body. It's painful to see him like this. He doesn't deserve all the shit his family has put him through. I can still hear all the yelling downstairs. Pauline had come back and is threatening Leslie with divorce. Graham cries harder. He just looks so small. I can't take it anymore.

"Graham let's pack up and head home okay?" I say quietly and he nods, tears still running down his cheeks. I kiss the top of his head before he pads off to his room. With that, I am back downstairs. Everyone falls silent and I feel like I'm about to scream, but I take a deep breath and stare Leslie right in the eyes.

"You are a sorry excuse for a father." I say through clenched teeth. He almost looks afraid of me. "No father would ever strive to make their child feel that way, whether they're gay, straight or in between. You don't know what you've done to your son. You don't know the lasting effects growing up with you has left him with." I do nothing to try and hide the malice in my voice. "We're leaving. I hope you're happy because I can promise you this now, Graham is never coming back." Pauline silently cries as Eleanor and Jacob stare at me wide eyed.

I straighten my back and turn to leave, but not before I address Pauline, Eleanor, and Jacob. "I'm sure you three are welcome to visit any time you want, we may not have the space, but please keep that vile waste of skin out of our home."

I go back upstairs and Graham is waiting in my room with his suitcase packed and ready. I begin to fold my clothes and he looks up at me.

"You didn't have to do that." He sniffles and I stop and look down at him again. He's nervously picking at his cuticles. I don't have the strength for another fight, so I continue packing. "Thank you."

I stop again. It was a whisper, but I know I heard it. Graham was looking up at me with glassy, tired eyes and the most grateful smile I've seen. I sit next to him and pull him close. This reminds me of why I'm still doing this. I could have left. I almost did leave yesterday. I have most of my stuff packed up because I was going to go back to London without him. I was seriously ready to leave him. Leave him in this horrible place. Leave him in general.

"I love you." I feel like I'm going to cry. Sure, Graham was a dick yesterday, but under those circumstances wouldn't anyone lash out? I guess it was the fact that I have never heard him speak above a normal talking voice, or that he scared me half to death. I know he never would have intentionally said something to make me feel the way I did. He was just terrified and panicked and I know I didn't make it any better. This is Graham we're talking about. He worries he offended someone just by saying hello to them. He loves me, right?

"I love you too." It's like he knows what I'm thinking. Still, his words creep up on me. You ruined me. What an interesting way to classify my feelings for him. ruinous. I'm worried there was some truth in those words. I like to say I've been helping him, but have I really? When we're home he still sits in front of his easle and stares at it like it will be the death of him. Jamie still buys his groceries. He still squeezes my hand and cowers into me at the very thought of someone simply giving him a wrong look. Am I bringing him out of his shell or have I just become his sheild from the real world? An excuse so he can say he's getting better. I wonder.

After sitting with him in silence for another few minutes, I go back to packing. We're out of his parent's house before noon. There was no goodbye's shared or 'I'll miss you's. just a nod of acknowledgment and a rushed exit. I can see the wear this trip has had on Graham. I'm too afraid to even entertain the thought of this changing him forever. so many hypothetical situations flood my brain. It's going to be different now. So much different. The pit in my stomach tells me so.

"Can we talk about everything that happened?" I look over to him. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Please don't do this to me now, Graham. Please dont shut yourself off.

"Can we save it for when we get home?" The pleading tone to his voice makes me drop it immediately. If he wants to keep to himself, he can. Fine. We can just pretend that nothing happened. We still have so much driving to do. I'm just praying to whatever there is that my thoughts about the situation won't fester to a point of anger because I don't think he can handle that right now. We just have to get home and then it will be okay. I have to keep telling myself that so I don't keep brooding on the worst possible scenario. He deserves some downtime before we discuss this. I know that. He knows that. There's some more baggage attached that I'm quite worrisome over. I could almost forget about it if it wasn't looming in the back of my mind.

Mike and Louis were the band playing that night. They looked drained and even told me they were sick of touring without a good singer. I almost laughed in their faces. I would have too if they didn't look as exhausted as they did. They told me they've been playing double the shows they had been playing before because the crowds weren't taking to the new arrangement. It made me smile to see them failing for a moment but it all came back to me.

They were there for me for so long. We built the band from nothing to what it was until they booked it on me. It was our baby. It was our dream. I told them I would rejoin them. I have no idea why I did it. I was angry and sad and the thought of sticking around for Graham felt so unsatisfying compared to what I could be doing out on the road. Thinking about it now, it was a stupid decision. But it's too late to back out now.

I know I need to tell Graham. Louis said we should be touring by January. I just need more time. I need to think of how I should break the news to my very obviously broken boyfriend. I know the thought of not seeing me for a few months at a time just might kill him, but he would want me to happy. At least That's what I think. He's been full of surprises lately though.

I look at him again. He's asleep now. I feel like I need to savor this time we still have together. He's going to despise me, I swear. This ride is awkward and we're strained but I know this and maybe the first few days of us being home is going to be the last hint of what we shared before this wretched Christmas. I had thought it would be the first of many, but it's what ruined us. It took us so far apart that I wish I was smart enough to figure out time travel. I want to go back to how we were the night we first kissed. I might just remember that night for the rest of my days. He was so beautiful in the muted lights from the city seeping into his dark apartment. I just wanted to stay there forever. Sometimes situations make it hard to make things work.

I drive the whole way. Graham doesn't wake up once. I'm almost greatful because having him be beside me and available to talk would probably just start a fight and I can't do that right now. I wipe away a stray tear as I park Alex's car and shake Graham awake. It's gotten pretty dark now, but this city is pretty much always gloomy. He stirs for a moment before waking up and stretching with a yawn. I take a moment to smile fondly at him.

"We're home." I tell him quietly and he nods as he tiredly rubs at his eyes. I want this to work. I want it to work so badly. I used to be such a player and now the thought of waking up next to someone else makes me almost want to vomit. It repulses me. Domestic life always seemed to slow for me. I didn't even think it was something I could achieve, but now it's in my hands and I'm throwing it away for the chance of a record deal. Wow, I really am a total piece of shit, aren't I?

We see Alex in the main floor and he looks as if he's going to come and say hi, but I give him a warning look. I'll return his keys tomorrow, but right now I'm too tired to interact with anyone and I have a feeling Graham is too. He doesn't look hurt. I think he understands that this wasn't the best of vacations just by the solemn looks on Graham and I's faces. We wordlessly pass each other.

Graham goes straight to his room when we get to his apartment, not even changing his clothes before he collapses into his bed. I sigh and sit down on the pullout couch that is still a mess of blankets from before we had left. I put my head in my hands. Dear God, we've really mucked it up. There's still so much hurt in my system right now. I need to smile and bare it until I leave. I can do that for Graham's sake. He deserves that much.

I take a blanket and wrap myself in it, going out to the balcony. I'm taken back to when I had stupidly agreed for us to go to Graham's parent's house in the first place. I remember wrapping myself in that soft duvet Graham gave me the night I first inserted myself into his life and sitting so high above the city as I smoked a tightly rolled joint. I thought that was going to be the end of us, but Graham came and sat with me. It's different this time though. That feels like such a long time ago now.

I smoke a single cigarette. My stress tells me to stay where I am and tear through the whole pack, but my body yearns for sleep. So that's what I do.

I settle into our- I mean Grahams bed and just hold him. In such a short amount of time, this man has captured my heart and head. I wish I could think about something other than him sometimes, but other times I wouldn't want it any other way.

I'll miss this.

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2085 words.