Lunch.

The time to leave comes too quick, too sudden.

I'm nowhere near ready to go.

Emma meets me after the first half of the Stats double, clutching a packed lunch. She laughs, joking our way past the staring faces towards a spot by the trees. Noah is already there, head bent over a History textbook on Elizabethan Culture. He glances up, grin as goofy as a caricature.

No wonder I am debating whether or not he's even real. They're just so nice, abnormally nice. I don't know how that works exactly, but people aren't usually this nice to me. They're usually kind of the opposite.

Mental issues have always meant 'problem child' in the eyes of education. They have always led to some tweed infested official pointing towards two opposing diagrams in a thesis, depicting the normal brain next to the abnormal brain. Then pointing to me. Someone to watch out for, to shun in front of others.

See this girl, see her sitting here, pretending to be one of us. She isn't. She doesn't belong.

Noah breaks into my thoughts with no more than a smirk. Closing the textbook, he jumps down to sit next to me. As soon as our proximities change, that same blush creeps in, while his fingers find a shirt button to fondle. He's no longer looking at me; he's staring at the ground.

Emma sighs, opening her lunchbox.

Clenching my palms, I will Dr. Light's car to break down or at least one of his tyres to burst. I pray for the highway to be blocked. I can't leave this place. I can't.

"You okay? You haven't eaten any lunch yet," says Emma. Her concern is as obvious to me as it as confusing for Alyssa.

"Well," I begin. I'm about to answer, to spill the words that have been scorching my stomach since this morning. But I see him too soon. He's standing across the campus, by the side entrance, refusing to be directed by the receptionist. As he meets my stare, I look away. Maybe he hasn't seen me. Or perhaps, if I pretend I haven't seen him, he'll vanish.

"Oh my god". Emma chokes on her salad. "Who's he? I could eat him. Meet him, I said meet him, right?" Noah groans sourly, shoving his lunch aside.

"He's my Doctor," I find myself saying. "He's come to take me home for a session. I'm sorry, I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to face the reality of leaving here". Emma rushes to my side in an instant, places her hand on my shoulder. I don't want her pity.

As Light makes his way across the grass, feet swallowing every inch, her dreamy expression crumbles.

"I take it back. I could punch him".

I think Alyssa has already beaten her to it.

Avoiding his gaze becomes the act of avoiding a magnet, where I'm the North Pole and he's the South. There's an avalanche behind his eyes, a thousand snow-tipped rocks falling to me. Falling for me. So many unspoken words, wrapped up tight as if we're never going to say them. We might not.

We might never breach the million questions ricocheting off that one word answer he left in my head.

"You".

Several of the girls have stopped their lunch to ogle at him as he strides past. A few of the boys join them. Emma catches me staring, while trying not to stare and gives me a little nudge.

"So, what's up with you and Stoic Simon over there?" she asks. Noah wakes from a trance, leans closer. He shuffles to my side, seemingly trying to protect me.

"What kind of Doctor is he? Frankenstein?"

'I like him,' decides Alyssa. This is really the wrong time to be discussing this.

Before I can answer either of them, Light overshadows their lunchboxes, his toned frame eclipsing everything in his path. There's a soft note in his voice when he speaks, but it's low, it's subtle.

"Are you ready to go?" No, never, not really, not at all. Nodding, I stand to pick up my things. A full satchel, over-flowing with Stats textbooks containing two entire sections on problem solving. If I can't solve my own problems, I'll solve the ones in the textbooks.

Dr. Light reaches for the bag, but I slug it over my shoulder. I am not weak. He will never be my source of strength, even if I am his. I want to be his, I realise.

I want to be something to him, instead of just a patient.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I mumble, collecting my goodbyes. Emma lunges into a tackle hug, while Noah just sits on, tugging the upturned collar of his shirt.

"See you. It was great meeting you Alice," she says, motions for Noah to do the same. He lifts himself up, seems to be intimidated by Light, and sits down again.

"Could I talk to you tomorrow?" he asks.

"Sure. I'll see you then Noah". I turn on my heels, confidence reinstated after being briefly fired from my body.

"Bye. Alice".

Saying my name sends waves rippling through me, each one providing energy.

Dr. Light, without speaking, leads us back across the yard, ignorant of the countless staring faces. Skimming past the different subject suites, past the main reception area with the array of succulents, past all the rooms that made me feel wanted.

In the first half of the Stats double, my teacher didn't push or pry. She just waited for me to adjust, gave me time. Time is something I'd never really been given before. But she gave me whatever support I needed and didn't think twice.

Hurrying to catch up with Light, my heartstrings stretch beyond recognition. I'm not supposed to feel this way. I'm not supposed to feel a lot of things. I do feel though. I feel too much.

Sometimes I wonder if feeling nothing would be better.

His car is parked squarely by the main entrance, sleek just like him. A feline with wheels. P.E cascades into my head, alongside Alyssa's hopes, her dreams. Of travel, of movement. Music, I realise. She loves Music. Shame glistens, while my hands begin to shake. No wonder she turned out this way.

I never gave her a chance to live because I thought I was the only one who deserved to survive. I was selfish.

Thanks to me, she never had a life. Only a repression. My fault. I was so selfish.

'So was I,' comes a muffled reply. It is so indiscernible I decide I can't hear it.

As Light unlocks the door, he turns toward me, an odd look painted on his face. I expected him to be this way. After what he said, what Alyssa nearly did, and how I feel. How I will always feel about him. It's as if we're on different sides of a mirror, staring at something we cannot ever hope to have. Hope to hold. Besides, he's my Doctor. A fake Doctor, a real degree, working for my enemy.

Being forced to lie, lie, lie.

"Light," I start. The air between us ruptures, shatters to pieces on the ground. Maybe I should call him Bohemian to see if I'll break the earth.

"Yes?" It isn't a cold response, but it isn't warm either. Just neutral. For the past few weeks, that's all we've ever been.

"Can we talk?"

"We are talking," he says and gestures to the passenger seat.

"No, I mean about..." I trail off. What about? Now really isn't the time to discuss his cryptic answers or that time Alyssa tried to kill me.

Sighing, I resign myself to a better topic.

"About sport. I'd like you to clear me for P.E Please". He frowns, but I step closer, pulled by some external force. Closer, closer. He's about to walk away, when I grab his suit sleeve.

"Light," I say slowly.

"Alice. We should go now. Your mother will start to worry".

Shrugging me off, he slips into the driver's seat and begins to search for the keys. My face falls slightly. I swear he was just holding them in his hand.

Snaking round to the passenger seat, I hear a small clink in the pocket of my jeans. Oh no. As Light throws open the glove compartment, I reach into my pocket to see a set of keys sitting there.

Waiting. For her.