My Friend: Do you want a piece of my mind?

Me: Oh no, I couldn’t take the last piece.

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If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor

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If someone points at you black clothes and asks, whose funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, “haven’t decided yet.”

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You know what I like about people? Their dogs.

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You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.

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I thought I had seen the pinnacle of stupid. Then I met you.

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My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.