It's something I found out when I was 14, even though I was diagnosed when I was 3.

At first, through most of the beginning of childhood, I live a simple life where I was happy, playing with the other children and all that cuz I didn't know about it. Then... later on, my social skills starts to become worse after a incident happened...

I talked to fewer people... I was as dumb as a rock to the point where I can't even spell "Am"... yes I was that dumb, as well as I was a complete brat when I become 10-11, where I was a man hater (Like Tenko from Danganronpa V3) and ruined my friendship with my male friends, especially my best friend who was a guy due to my competitive and prideful nature.

Over course, ever since I went to a all-girls secondary school (11-16) just to get away with boys, I grown out of my hatred for boys, thankfully. But... well... when I found out where babies actually been made... to say I'm disgusted is putting it lightly.

I used to hate the word sex where some of the girls would often tease me about it by saying the word sex right in front of me and it annoys me to bits. I even admitted to them I would never, EVER have a boyfriend cuz I don't want to deal with sex and the problems of maintaining a relationship... guess the irony happened?... I ended up having a boyfriend even though I wasn't even looking for romance... wow... if any of my classmates found out about it, I would be ruthlessly teased about it endlessly and they would say "I told you so!" A million times... especially I been peer pressured into getting a boyfriend, get married and get children by other girls, which, at the time, I hate doing cuz I thought it was a waste of time and I wanted to focus on my freedom, career and finally work on my independence.

Don't get me the wrong idea, I love my boyfriend dearly and I do want to marry him when we're older, but... I'm quite unsure of having children... a split since my boyfriend wanted to have children when he's older, but for me... I'm indecisive about it due to hating the idea of children earlier in my life, my fears of them inheriting my Autism, going through labour, pregnancy, not good at handling things under stressed, not good control over my emotions, impatient, very distance even towards my parents and so much things that doesn't make me a good mother material... (Any mothers here... please help me with this dilemma of me deciding if I should have children in the future or not... I don't want to regret my decision once I made it and ended up regretting it once I have kids later on and live a unhappy/stressful future)

I love my parents, I do, it's just that... I love being alone, it makes me calm and relaxed, and I don't want to lose that freedom... sure I do get lonely, but I'm used to it by now and I'm not as lonely as I was before now I have my boyfriend here.

My Autism made me stand out from other girls, even though I don't want to stand out, like all of the girls I know are into make up, dresses, jewellery and all that trash (No offence to anybody who likes make up and all that girly jazz. Just do what you like, it's your business, not mine.) I'm obsessed with drawing anime, writing fanfics, playing video games, never wore make up even as a child (I thought it was poisonous to children as a child, and used by adults only, so I avoid them) even to this day, I still never tried them and never will cuz I don't want to waste my time preparing my make up just to go out for five minutes since I like to go out as soon as possible just to get shit done.

I used to wear dresses and skirts, but I grown out of them and only wear a kilt for secondary school, but now that I'm in college, meaning I never have to wear a single dress and skirt again!... at least until my wedding day when I'm older 😅

I'm a high-functional autistic person, meaning I can blend into the crowd without others realising I have a disorder. They would just assume I'm a socially awkward person, which I am, but still.

All my life, I dumb myself down to avoid people expecting me too much and not feel pressured by others, which made me stressed out as I get secretly jealous of people more academically smarter then me and people who draws realism better then me. Sure, there will always be people better then you in some ways, but it doesn't change the fact I felt jealousy towards them.

When I was young, I tried too hard to be a "tough girl", not showing my emotions cuz I don't want to be seen as weak, but I always failed cuz I have shitty control over my emotions and ended up crying when I get into trouble, which is very rare as... I was a massive teacher's pet and a goody two shoe.

However... one day, the school hired a therapist for me to help me with my mental state... at first, I was very shy around her, but I slowly starts to open up to her... she was the sweetest person I ever met and she's like a second mother... great... and I'm crying while I'm writing about her... shit... I remember the one sentence that impacted me greatly... "There's nothing with crying... it shows that you're a emotionally strong person with actual emotions... not a machine..."

Not the exact words, but something similar to that and ever since, I become more open with my emotions and if I see someone crying, man or woman, I will let them cry their hearts out, comfort and hug them... cuz I know how it feels to try so hard to hide your emotions just to avoid looking pathetic in front of others, and feeling great relief when you finally let it out.

The final year of secondary school is what traumatised me the most... cuz of GCSE... because of the stress and anxiety of my future rests on those results and if I don't get the right grades... I'm basically fucked and I wouldn't get the desired career I wanted, and most likely get a deadbeat job.

It was so horrible that I nearly got a mental breakdown due to the stress I was having. Thankfully, at the end, I got decent grades and got into the college I wanted.

When I found out I have Autism, I wasn't sure what to make of this... at all, of course, I know people like Albert Einstein have it and they become very famous with their achievements... but considering my anxiety and depression... I... I'm quite hesitant and make me more determined to avoid having children cuz I know raising kids who have it is more difficult then normal ones, I mean... ask my parents.

As well as them inheriting my depression, and anxiety... I'm scared of that happening and I don't want them to go through the same pain I have, especially in a cruel world we live in...

I... I think that's all I could say about my life... mostly. So I hope you have a good day, my ninja clan and have fun. Kuno out!