hi,

i'm sad. i just have no creativity and i just can't write. i am losing faith and shit. i just feel like crap on the outside. i don't want to love i don't want to talk i don't want to walk or run or stand up or sit down or jump or cry or be hap or be sad. i just want to lay on the floor. i haven't had the motivation to do anything. i don't care about anything anymore and life is just dragging me with it slowly. i can't feel emotion anymore i hardly laugh and i laugh all the time. most of my friends have turned on me bc of this and even dans given up on trying to help. i got up one day and i just didn't move as i didn't want to move or talk just sit and stare at the ceiling. i refused to get up or do take part in lessons like i take part so i don't get shouted at but not properly. i ju8st write crap down. i just don't want to do anything. i have had the motivation to do stuff today but it was just writing and giving up halfway through. i have layed on the floor today for about six hours and i just want this sadness to go away. i am the one who's always there to make poeple smile in my school and i'm always the shoulder to cry on but i can't help myself. i don't even know why i'm so sad and just want to lay on the floor for countless hours. i was happy then one day i wouldn't move or talk or sit up or sleep or cry or jump. i just layed there staring into the ceiling. i want to cry my problems away but i can't my body won't let me. i can't feel and its just getting on my nerves. it won't stop and i wish it could. 

i'm not gonna kill myself or harm myself because my body has given up. i'm gonna try to make it through whatever the fuck this is. if i would have to think of what it was then probably all the shit thats happened over the years. i was a perfect little girl with everyone's lives falling apart because there parents fight and things like that. i was the only happy child with a nice house in London. couldn't be better until as everyone started to heal together mine fell apart. i got involved with the police. i didn't do anything it was something else. my parents started fighting and my brother started doing drugs and the house would smell badly. my mum started smoking again. my dad left us with my little brother who wanted to go with my dad. my little sister didn't understand and my brother didn't like my dad. i saw the fight happen between my mum and dad when he left. my mum got really ill so our nan came over to look after us and i had to go to high school. we started to struggle with bills my mum brought home man after man and my sister didn't understand still i understood clearly. my mum did finally got her shit together and got a boyfriend. my dad got a posh girlfriend who i hate and so does my little brother and he's stuck with her. my dog died and he was a rescue dog and he was old and he died and i was the closest to him and he died in the house. we still have a dog now as we had two. i had no friends at high school. my only two friends were my own head and my notepad.i had my primary school friends who went to the same school but i don't call them friends i just sat with them. then i started to miss my dad who is miles away in birstall where Jo cox died. then i gt friends and stuff and then i'm here. i bet there's people who have had much worse out there but thats my messed up life.

either way i'm sorry for no updates on any books and also if you read 'a single bullet' then thats just me spilling my emotions into a mess of a book if you could call it that. so yeah bye. see you when i see ya i dunno' i don't care 

sage is out  '_'¬