The Impulse Vs The Fish trial dawned cold and rainy. Skizz, confused enough to accept being Impulse’s lawyer, was ready, with a whole book of information on the various fish-related shenanigans. Enough to, far from recommend putting the case aside, convince Skizz that something was off. And on the other side, fish-lawyer Joe, xB, and a single cod in a clip-on tie they’d deemed capable of representing the entire party of 12,493. Behind, several mostly confused witnesses – Grian, Scar, Gem, Cleo, and Doc, and almost everyone else in the server sat in the jury box, with strong opinions, fish merch and popcorn. Judge Bdubs cleared his throat and began.

‘We are here for the trial against uh… 12,493 cod… Skizz, you are representing Impulse’s prosecution, Joe, you are representing the defence, xB, you’re…’

‘I’m translator to the cod.’

‘Uh- sure. Now the trial will be like the other two, point system, firework, Cuboom Fireworks, heads or tails, jury. Understand? Now, Skizz, you can speak.’

‘Ladies and gentlemen.’ Skizz began, rising from his seat. ‘Judge Bdubs, your highness, this is not a question of if the fish are dangerous, it’s a question of how long they’ve been dangerous for. And I propose that this problem did not start last week, when the first cod arrived in PixelPulse city. It started all the way back in Season 5, and in that time, the fish have committed several crimes, and must answer for all of them. Thank you.’

‘And now Joe?’ Joe nodded, standing.

‘Thank you, your highness, Bdubs, supreme judge, jury and executioner over hermitcraft-’

‘Objection!’ called Wels from the jury stand, ‘We’re the jury!’

‘Hey- you can’t object! Silence! Any more of that and it’ll be fireworks in your face… Joe?’

‘Thank you, your highness. Now, Bdubs, jury, witnesses, and everyone here today… when was the last time a fish pranked you? And now, ask yourself, when was the last time your fellow hermit prank you? I will assume far more moments of Hermit-on-hermit attacks have occurred than attacks by fish. And yet, do we punish the hermits for every little act of unwonted violence they cause? No! So why should we do the same for these cod today? Just because they wanted to share their experience of the world. Just because their idea of fun was different to ours… Your highness, I propose that this is not a case of a man against 12,000 fish. It’s the case of a man against 12,000 babies.’

‘WHAT.’ Doc, who had been bribed by Beef into being pro-cod, sprung to his feet. ‘NO!’

‘DOC I WILL FRICKIN FIREWORK YOUR FACE- uh-’ Bdubs cleared his throat. ‘I mean, Thank you for those opening statements… Skizz, who is the first witness?’

‘I would like to call Gem to the stand,’ Skizz replied.

‘Alright.’ Gem stepped over. ‘What do you want to ask?’

‘Gemstone, what do you know of the initial arrival of the 12,493 cod in Joel’s and my client’s house.’

‘Wels did magic wrong and summoned them.’

‘And how did you go abouts finding the cod?’

‘A lot were contained, but the rest we just searched through Joel’s base.’

‘Is it not likely that you missed some?’

‘It’s very likely.’

‘So, let's say you missed 7 cod. Is that a reasonable assumption?’

‘Yes?’

‘Gem, Bdubs, don't you think it’s a little strange how exactly 12,500 cod fell from the sky?’

‘Objection! Your honour, we don't know that for certain!’ Joe interrupted.

‘Right! Heads or tails!’

‘Paul, do you pick heads or tails?’ xB whispered to the cod. The cod did not reply.

‘Heads!’ Joe decided regardless.

The redstone ran.

‘It is… tails! Objection denied! Skizz?’

‘Now, 12,500 cod is a very specific number. How did you stop them falling?’

‘Wels pointed his fake wand at the sky and yelled Uno Reversus.’

‘Now, Gem, is this wizard magic?’

‘No.’

‘I propose then that the cod chose to start falling, regardless of any magic Welsknight did or did not do, and then chose to stop falling at 12,500. It’s a round number, and it’s exactly 500 cod for every hermit’s base. What are the chances of ending up with exactly 500 cod for every hermits base?’

‘Low, I imagine?’

Now, Gemstone, another question. Why are there fish floating above your base?’

‘Oh, they're not really there. You're imagining them.’

‘If they're a hallucination, how are we both seeing the same thing?’

‘Because they are physically there, but the lore-’

‘Why fish?’

‘Because my base is aquatic theme?’

‘Why aquatic?’

‘Because I wanted to…?’

‘Are you 100% sure that was you, not the fish, who wanted to?’

‘Mostly?’

'Ladies, gentlemen, hermits, cod… Gem just admitted there was a chance of the fish deciding her base idea. And if that’s not evidence of the threat these creatures pose, then I don't know what it. Thank you, your highness. That's all my questions.’

‘Gemini Tay,’ Joe stood up. ‘Did the cod hurt anyone?’

‘Not significantly?’

‘Can you elaborate?’

‘They hit people's faces a few times, but no permanent harm.’

‘Gem, if I, hypothetically, hit you in the face a few times, how would you respond?’ Joe asked.

‘I would murder you.’

Silence.

‘What if it was accidental?’

‘I would probably still kill you?’

Joe paused, seeking another direction.

‘Once they had fallen from the sky, what did the fish do?’

‘Well, they died mostly.’

‘So the cod are mostly dead?’

‘Yes.’

‘Let’s return to my hypothetical scenario. If I died of natural causes after hitting you a few times, would you still murder me?’

‘Probably not.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, you’ve already been punished.’

‘And yet, we are here to discuss punishment for cod who’ve already died. And died permanently at that! If temporary death is a worthy enough punishment for me, then why is it not a worthy punishment for the cod? I have finished questioning.’

‘We call our next witness to the stands!’ Bdubs called. Gem disappeared back into the audience area, replaced by Grian, who was immediately bombarded with Skizz asking:

‘Grian, you look like a fish, right?’

‘Uh- yes?’ Grian had to reply. ‘I mean, people confuse my face for a fish because my eyes are droopy?’

‘And Grian, you are known on this server for being a prankster.’

‘I am.’

‘If you had 12,497 cod at your disposal, what would you do with them?’

‘Probably put them in someone else’s base.’

‘You would probably put them in someone else’s base,’ Skizz repeated. ‘For instance, Impulse’s base?’

‘Scar’s is nearer, but yes.’

‘So, you would commit the same act as these fish. As someone who looks like a fish.’

‘Yes.’

‘Grian, you have had previous encounters with large numbers of fish, haven't you?’

‘I have.’

‘And I have been informed of a sort of shrine to fish underneath your base.’

A pause.

‘I cannot confirm or deny.’

‘GRIAN YOU ARE UNDER OATH!’

‘OBJECTION! He isn't!’ Joe shouted back.

‘FINE!’ Bdubs whacked the wood in front of him as hard as he could with his gable. ‘Grian, do you agree to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?’

‘Yes.’

‘GRIAN IS UNDER OATH! Skizz, you may continue.’

‘Grian? Is there a fish-shrine under your base.’

‘Yes.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I didn't get a mending book by fishing when the odds suggested I should’ve,’ Grian explained

‘And you believed that making this shrine would improve your luck?’

‘Kinda?’

‘So you suggest there is a fish-related deity who controls the fish?’

‘Apparently so.’

‘Roughly what percentage of the fishing had you done by the time you’d build this shrine?’

‘Most of it?’

‘So, it took you less time to get a mending book after building this shrine?’

‘Well, yes?’

‘Objection!’

‘JOE STOP OBJECTING!’

‘But Skizz isn't mathing correctly!’

‘Objection! You’re being mean!’ Impulse shouted back. ‘Apologise!’

‘Counter-objection, that doesn't stop it being true!’

‘Well- counter-counter-objection, you hurt my feelings!’ Skizz argued.

‘Order- please, ORDER!’

‘Objection!’ Hypno called from the jury. ‘Beef keeps eating my popcorn!’

‘Sustained!’ Bdubs replied. ‘And ORDER!’

‘Oh, so everyone’s allowed to object now?’ ‘Then, objection, I’m out of popcorn!’ Beef retorted. ‘I was promised enough to last the whole time, and it barely lasted one witness! Can you explain that, Mr Cubfan Popcorn Provider?’

‘Bro- you ate it too fast!’

‘Objection, why’s Cub selling popcorn? I have the food permit!’ xB protested.

‘Objection! Cub is the Permit Manager and you’re not allowed to yell at him!’ shot back Scar.

‘Yeah!’ agreed Skizz. ‘No objecting Rubbadub-Cub!’

‘Objection! So Cub’s above the law? Just because he's Permit Manager?’ Jevin questioned.

‘Yes!’ Scar confidently replied. ‘Wait- no- hang on, I’m confused…’

‘Objection! Scar, buddy, what do you mean you’re confused? What do you think being above the law means?!’ Mumbo asked.

‘Objection, he’s a police officer as well!’

‘We’ll have no tarnishing of the Poe Poe here in this establishment Mr Etho!’

‘SHUT UP!’ Bdubs screamed, whacking his gable so hard onto the table that it broke in two. ‘1 POINT FOR BOTH TEAMS AND FIREWORKS FOR THE REST OF YOU!’

The room filled with explosions. Instantly, the hermits tried to flee. False fell out of the jury box. Ren and Tango tripped over each other and ended up in a tangled mess on the floor. Zedaph dived into the fireworks, dying instantly.

And xB shouted:

‘Paul the Cod is dead!’