NO ONE'S POV:

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh

A newlywed couple and their brother-in-law just moved to town

A regular family

Who left the big city

To find a quiet life

WandaVision!

Starring (Y/N)!

She's a magical gal

In a small town locale

He's a hubby who's part time machine

And he's just a guy

Looking to claw his way through life

How will this trio fit in and pull through?

Oh, by sharing a love

Like you've never seen

WandaVision!

Starring (Y/N)!

(Cut to the kitchen where Wanda & Y/N are doing the dishes.)

Wanda: (Y/N)!

(Y/N): What? I'm helping you with the dishes, aren't I?

Wanda: Washing your claws in the sink doesn't count as washing the dishes.

(Y/N): What else am I supposed to cut my food with?

(As the brother & sister are having this conversation, Wanda is telepathically cleaning dishes. She floats some plates onto a shelf & wipes a cup down with a dish rag as Y/N is trying to get his claws squeaky clean. Vision enters, reading a newspaper. Wanda doesn't notice & hits him in the head with a plate, which shatters onto the floor.)

Vision: My wife and her flying saucers.

Wanda: My husband and his indestructible head.

Vision: Aren't we a fine pair?

Wanda: [chuckles]

(Vision walks over & kisses her. She magically repairs the plate & walks over to the fridge.)

(Y/N): Are you talking to me?

Vision: You are the only one in the room with us.

(Y/N): Then yes. You two are a fine pair.

Wanda: What do you say to silver dollar pancakes, crispy hash browns, bacon, eggs, freshly squeezed orange juice, and black coffee?

Vision: I say, "Oh, I don't eat food."

(Y/N): And I say, "Wanda and I do."

(Wanda opens the refrigerator.)

Wanda: Well, that explains the empty refrigerator.

(Y/N): What have we been eating then?

(Something catches Vision's eye.)

Vision: Wanda?

Wanda: Hmm?

Vision: Is there something special about today?

Wanda: Well, I know the apron is a bit much, dear, but I am doing my best to blend in.

Vision: No, no, there on the calendar. Someone's drawn a little heart right above today's date.

(Wanda & Y/N turn to the calendar.)

Wanda: Oh, yes, the heart.

Vision: Hmm...perhaps (Y/N) has a date today?

(Y/N): [scoffs] I wish!

Wanda: Well, don't tell me you have forgotten, Vis.

Vision: "Forgotten"? Oh, Wanda, I'm incapable of forgetfulness. I remember everything. That's not an exaggeration. In fact, I'm incapable of exaggeration.

(Y/N): Kinda sounds like you're exaggerating.

Wanda: Well, then tell me what's so important about today's date.

(Vision says nothing for a moment.)

Vision: What was the question again? Oh, well, perhaps, you've forgotten yourself.

Wanda: Me? Heavens, no. I've been so looking forward to it.

Vision: As have I.

(Y/N): You two don't sound very convincing.

Wanda: Do you know why today's so important then, (Y/N)?

(Y/N): Uh, um...

Vision: Today, we are celebrating...

Wanda: You bet you are. It's the first time we...

Vision: Mmm-hmm.

Wanda: ...have ever celebrated this occasion before.

Vision: It's a special day!

Wanda: Perhaps an evening...

Vision: Of great significance...

Wanda: To us both!

Vision: Naturally.

Wanda: Obviously.

Vision: Exactly.

(Vision & Wanda kiss.)

(Y/N): You guys really buried the lede there.

Vision: Well done, us. [exhales] All right. Well, that's me off to work, then.

Wanda: Oh, don't forget!

Vision: I haven't.

(Vision looks in the mirror.)

Vision: Oh! [chuckles]

(Vision takes on his human appearance, blows her a kiss, & she catches it.)

Vision: Have a good day, dear! You too, (Y/N)!

(Vision leaves. Wanda & Y/N stare & think about the date on the calendar when there's a knock at the door. Wanda goes to answer the door, leaving Y/N to stare at the calendar.)

Agnes: Oh! Hello, dear. I'm Agnes, your neighbor to your right. My right, not yours. Forgive me for not stopping by sooner to welcome you to the block. My mother-in-law was in town, so I wasn't.

(Agnes hands Wanda the house plant & invites herself in.)

Agnes: So, what's your name? Where are you from? And most importantly, how's your bridge game, hon?

Wanda: I'm Wanda.

Agnes: Wanda. Charmed.

(They shake hands.)

Agnes: Golly, you settled in fast! Did you use a moving company?

Wanda: I sure did.

(Wanda places the house plant down.)

Wanda: Those boxes don't move themselves.

(Y/N walks into the room.)

(Y/N): Yeah, I helped move some of them.

Agnes: And who is this handsome fella?

Wanda: This is my brother, (Y/N).

Agnes: I can see the resemblance.

(Y/N): Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Agnes.

Agnes: Right back at ya.

(They shake hands.)

Agnes: So what's a pair of single siblings doing rattling around this big house?

Wanda: Oh, no, I'm not single.

Agnes: Oh, I don't see a ring.

Wanda: Well, I assure you I'm married. To a man. A human one and tall.

(Y/N): He's very much real.

(Wanda hits Y/N's arm.)

Agnes: How about you, (Y/N)?

(Y/N): What about me?

Agnes: Are you married?

(Y/N): I...

(Y/N looks down at his hand & his wedding finger.)

(Y/N): ...I

(Y/N begins to imagine a blurry woman with red hair.)

Wanda: (Y/N).

(Y/N): Sorry, I...zoned out there.

Agnes: You don't have to apologize.

Wanda: Agnes asked if you're married.

(Y/N): Oh.

(Y/N quickly looks down at his wedding finger & looks back up.)

(Y/N): No, I'm not married.

Wanda: As a matter of fact, he'll be home later tonight for a special occasion. Just the two of us.

Agnes: Oh, is it somebody's birthday?

Wanda: Not a birthday.

Agnes: Well, today isn't a holiday, is it?

(Y/N): I don't think so.

Wanda: No, it's not a holiday.

Agnes: An anniversary then?

Wanda: Ye...Yes! Yes! It's our anniversary!

(Wanda sits next to Agnes on the couch.)

(Y/N): Ah, that makes so much sense!

Agnes: Oh, how marvelous! How many years?

Wanda: Well, it feels like we've always been together.

Agnes: Lucky gal. The only way Ralph would remember our anniversary is if there was a beer named June 2nd.

Wanda: [chuckles]

(Y/N): [whispers] That's kinda sad.

Agnes: So, what do you have planned?

Wanda: How do you mean?

Agnes: For your special night. A young thing like you doesn't have to do much, but it's still fun to set the scene. Perhaps your brother could cook something for you two.

(Y/N): Oh, [chuckles] I don't cook much, if at all. But I will say, I make one mean sandwich if I do say so myself.

Wanda: I'm not trying to kill my husband, (Y/N).

Agnes: Yet.

Wanda & Agnes: [chuckles]

(Y/N): Wanda...

Agnes: Say, I was just reading a crackerjack magazine article called "How To Treat Your Husband To Keep Your Husband," and let me tell you, what Ralph could really use is, "How To Goose Your Wife So You Don't Lose Your Wife." Hang on. I'll grab it and we can start planning. Oh, this is gonna be a gas!

(Agnes leaves.)

Wanda: [gasps] Oh...

(Y/N): [sighs]

(While Agnes & Wanda are planning in the living room, we cut to Y/N in his room.)

(Y/N): Even though Wanda said I could stay, I just don't think I'll be much help in planning for tonight. I mean, it is her and Vision's special night. I've never been married so...

(Y/N looks down at his wedding ring finger once again.)

(Y/N): I'd...have no...idea where...to even begin.

(Y/N shakes head from side to side.)

(Y/N): Come on, (Y/N)! You're in a new town with your family. You can be anything you want. Like a mechanic or a plumber or even work construction! [happily sighs]

*SKINT*

(Y/N pops his claws & looks at them.)

(Y/N): Being a butcher is probably your best bet. [laughs]

(Cut to Agnes & Wanda talking about seduction techniques.)

Wanda: Any other tricks?

Agnes: You could point out that the death rate of single men is twice that of married men.

Wanda: Now, that's romantic.

Agnes & Wanda: [laugh]

Agnes: Let's hope your brother finds someone then.

Wanda: Actually, my brother did. For a time.

Agnes: Really? Why aren't they together anymore?

Wanda: I...don't know.

(Before they can continue their conversation, the phone rings & Wanda picks it up.)

Wanda: Vision residence.

Vision: Wanda, darling.

Wanda: Vision, sweetheart.

Vision: Listen, about tonight...

Wanda: Don't worry, dear. I have everything under control.

Vision: Oh, well, that is a relief. I must confess, I'm really rather nervous.

Wanda: "Nervous"? Whatever for? It's not because of (Y/N) is it? I know he can be..."wild" at times but he knows how important tonight is.

Vision: Well, you know, darling, I still get a little tongue-tied.

Wanda: Vis, after all this time...

Vision: There's an awful lot riding on this one, Wanda. If tonight doesn't go just so, I think this could be the end.

Wanda: Well, it's just one night. There's no need to get dramatic.

Vision: Look, I think the best course of action is to impress the wife.

Wanda: And I think the best course of action is to impress the husband.

(Wanda gives Agnes a thumbs up, who gives her one right back.)

Vision: Well, wonderful! Glad to know we're both on the same page. Until tonight, then, my darling.

Wanda: Until tonight. Oh...

(Wanda hangs up.)

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

(Cut back to Y/N in his room.)

(Y/N): Vision better be appreciative of what my sister is doing for their wedding anniversary. Though, I may find her outfit a...tad bit revealing. But I am her brother, I'm always going to think whatever she's wearing is revealing. And IF for some reason Vision doesn't like what Wanda has done, I'll just...

*SKINT*

(Y/N pops his claws.)

(Y/N): Claw his eyes out! Hmm?

(Y/N retracts his claws.)

(Y/N): He'd probably just phase through them.

(There's a knock at Y/N's door & he opens his door to see who it is.)

(Y/N): Vision?

Vision: (Y/N)!

(Y/N): Wow, you two work fast, huh?

Vision: (Y/N), listen-

(Y/N): If you're gonna "end the night," Wanda's probably in your guy's room. You know, down the hall.

Vision: I really need you to listen to me.

(Vision feels Y/N in on the situation.)

(Y/N): So you need me to help you stall the Harts until Wanda's made dinner?

Vision: Man, (Y/N). You're just as sharp as your claws.

(Y/N): That's a first. Just let me change and I'll meet you out there.

Vision: [sighs] That's a relief.

(Cut to Vision & Y/N with the Harts.)

Mr. Hart: So I said, "If we orient the forms horizontally rather than vertically, we can use twice the paper, we can bill twice the cost."

Vision: [laughs] You truly are a pioneer. But the larger purpose of the forms is...

(Pan over to Mrs. Hart & Y/N.)

(Y/N): I'm sorry if my brother-in-law and I aren't the best company.

Mrs. Hart: Oh, no, dear. Y'all are fine. I must say though, your haircut is very exotic.

(Y/N touches his hair.)

(Y/N): Heh, thanks.

Mrs. Hart: Is it Sokovian just like your sister's dress?

(Y/N): I suppose it is.

(A noise is heard from the kitchen which causes Mrs. Hart to stand up & heads towards the kitchen.)

Mrs. Hart: Oh, oh. You men stay put. I sense a domestic emergency, so...

(Y/N): Mrs. Hart, I'm sure my sister has it all under control.

Vision: Mrs. Hart, please don't. You can't. You--Please--

(She goes to open the kitchen windows. As she swings them open, Vision begins singing.)

Vision: Yeah, take out the papers and the trash!

(Mrs. Hart turns around & doesn't notice Wanda's powers in use.)

Vision: Or you won't get no spending cash!

(Y/N & Wanda give Vision a confusing look.)

Vision: If you don't scrub the kitchen floor...

(Mrs. Hart begins to dance along.)

Vision: You ain't gonna rock and roll no more! Yakety yak! Don't talk back!

(While the Harts are distracted, Wanda closes the windows to the kitchen.)

(Y/N): [whispers] A machine with many talents.

Mrs. Hart: [chuckles nervously]

Vision: Well, why don't we have a nice sing-a-long, all together then, shall we?

(Y/N): *clears his throat to sing*

(After some more shenanigans dinner is finally served.)

Vision: Ah!

(Y/N): [sighs]

Mr. Hart: Breakfast for dinner? How very...

Mrs. Hart: European.

Vision: Ooh! Let's have a toast!

(They approach the table.)

Vision: To my lovely and talented wife.

(Y/N): To my ever so skilled sister.

Wanda: To our esteemed guests.

Vision: Yes. Cin cin.

(They all pick up their glasses & clink them together.)

Wanda: Cheers.

(They all take sips.)

Wanda: Well, please eat before it gets cold.

(Vision & Y/N pull out Mrs. Hart's chair as Wanda & Mr. Hart sit down.)

Mrs. Hart: So, where did you three move from?

(Vision & Y/N sit down.)

Mrs. Hart: What brought you here? How long have you two been married? And why don't you have children yet?

(Wanda stares off into the distance.)

Vision: I think my wife means to say is that we moved from...

(Y/N): It's somewhere...

Wanda: Yes, we moved from...

Vision: And we were married...

(Y/N): It was in...

Wanda: Yes, yes, we were married in...

Mr. Hart: Well? Moved from where? Married when?

Mrs. Hart: Now, patience, Arthur. They're setting up their story. Let them tell it.

Wanda: We...Our story...[chuckles nervously]

Mr. Hart: Yes, what exactly is your story?

(Y/N): Just...just let me think.

Mrs. Hart: Oh, just leave the poor kids alone.

Mr. Hart: No, really, I mean, I think it's a perfectly simple question. Honestly. Why did you come here? Why?

(None of them respond & Mr. Hart slams the table.)

Mr. Hart: Damn it, Why? Why did you...

(Mr. Hart begins choking on his food.)

Mrs. Hart: Oh, Arthur, stop it. Stop it. [chuckles] Stop it.

(His choking becomes worse. Wanda & Vision stare at him.)

(Y/N): Looks like he bit off more than he can chew. [slow, sad laughter]

(Wanda looks at her brother worriedly.)

Mrs. Hart: Stop it. Stop it. [chuckles] Stop it. Stop it.

(Mr. Hart falls to the ground.)

Mrs. Hart: Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Wanda: Vision, help him.

(Vision gets up, kneels next to Mr. Hart, phases his hand through his throat, & gets the food choking him.)

Vision: Let me help you up. Give me your hand.

(Vision helps him up as Mrs. Hart smiles.)

Vision: All right, steady on, sir.

(Y/N's thoughts): That was a close one.

Mr. Hart: [gasping]

(Mr. Hart looks at his watch.)

Mr. Hart: Well, would you look at the time? [chuckles]

Mrs. Hart: Yes. We'd better get going.

(Mrs. Hart gets up.)

Wanda: Well...Are you both all right?

Mrs. Hart: We had such a lovely time.

(Wanda turns to Y/N & Vision. Mrs. Hart comes up behind her & covers her eyes with her hands.)

Mrs. Hart: This guest is leaving your home.

Wanda: [laughs] Yes, thank you for coming. [sighs]

Mrs. Hart: Next time, (Y/N), you must tell me how you get your hair to look like that.

(Y/N): I don't do anything to it.

Mrs. Hart: Sure. [chuckles]

Mr. Hart: You made me proud tonight, son. First thing Monday morning, you and me are going to have a little chat. We'll see about that promotion.

(Vision & Mr. Hart shake hands.)

Vision: Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!

(The Harts leave.)

Wanda, Vision, & (Y/N): [exhale in relief]

(Y/N): I think that went well.

Wanda: [sighs] We are an usual couple, ya know?

Vision: Oh, I don't think that was ever in question.

(Wanda & Vision sit on the couch together.)

Wanda: Well, what I mean is...We don't have an anniversary.

Vision: Huh.

Wanda: Or a song. Or even wedding rings.

Vision: Well, we could remedy that. Today could be our anniversary. Of what? Surviving our first dinner party?

(Y/N): There's going to be more?

Vision: Precisely. And our song could be?

Wanda: Yakety Yak, naturally.

Vision: Naturally.

Wanda: Hmm.

(Y/N): I'm sure that a couple's song being "Yakety Yak" is definitely unique.

Wanda: And the rings?

Vision: Well, couldn't you make us some for us?

(Vision & Wanda hold their hands next to each other. She flicks her other wrist & rings appear on their fingers.)

Vision: I do. Do you?

Wanda: Yes. I do.

(Y/N watches this & looks down at his wedding finger. As if he knows or expects a ring to be there but all he sees is his finger.)

Wanda: (Y/N)?

(Y/N quickly looks at his sister.)

(Y/N): Uh, yeah?

Vision: Are you okay?

(Y/N): I've never been better.

Wanda: You're crying.

(Y/N): No, I'm-

(Y/N touches his face & wipes away a single tear.)

(Y/N): I guess I was.

Wanda: Vision, scoot over.

Vision: Of course.

(Vision is about to scoot over but Y/N stops him.)

(Y/N): Sis, Vision, I'm okay. I just need to get some sleep. You two enjoy the rest of the night together.

(Y/N begins walking away but Wanda calls him.)

Wanda: (Y/N).

(Y/N): Hmm?

Wanda: I love you.

(Y/N): I love you too.

(With that, Y/N walks back to his room, leaving Wanda & Vision.)

Vision: And they lived happily ever after.

(They kiss. They stare into the camera & their faces are bordered by a hexagon. Which slowly zooms in on them. They smile as their names come up on either side of them. A picture of Y/N smiling is shown also with his name on the side of it. Credits roll. The camera zooms out, revealing the episode to be playing on an old CRT monitor. Wires & other monitors surround it. The camera pulls back further & reveals someone taking notes. They close their notebook, emblazoned with the SWORD logo, and put their pen down.)