Trigger Warning- Endgame- Nat's death-Survivors Guilt 

Post Endgame - Tony is alive cause I say so

Inspo by "Keep Holding On" -Avril Lavigne 
"How to Save a Life" - The Fray

Nothing felt good anymore, it rarely did. You could make the argument that in order for anything to feel good you'd have to leave your house- put a bit an effort. But if the moment you wake up you're already in pain- why even bother. There was simply no point. 

Every since the blimp, Maria Hill found it the most challenging thing. To keep going on. Some people would call her selfish. She was given another chance and she's wasting it in her apartment watching the days go on with no intention of participating. It was too late for her, she felt like it's all come to an end. It had to be the end because she didn't see the point of going on if the person she loved most was already gone. 

Natasha Romanoff. Avenger. Daughter. Sister. Girlfriend. fiance if you counted it. Steve told Maria about Natasha buying a ring, he told her how Natasha explained to him how she proposed to the tiny gravestone she had made for her down in their Ohio home where they'd often go for peace and quiet. They were engaged. They'd be engaged forever because there was no wedding, and there would never be a wedding. Natasha Romanoff was gone. 

"I'm sorry for your loss," Broken words for broken people. You can't claim to be sorry if you can't even bother holding a funeral for them Maria thought. She wished people would stop acting like her life is over. She knew it was but that doesn't mean she wants people crying over her. She wants them to leave her alone. 

They knew how to do it. How to abandon people. They all left Natasha when she needed them. So why the hell can't they leave her? Why can't they let her reunite with her? She was coming close to her breaking point and she wanted it to come in peace. She was ready now. 

Speaking of them- there was a knock at her door. Maria peered over at the clock on her bedside table. 1 pm. She rolled back over bringing a hand over her frizzy hair. She needed to shower. She sat up, the mirror on the other side of the wall showed her that she was a mess. Puffy eyes, messy hair, oily face. She'd hit rock bottom. 

She contemplated staying in bed. Maybe they'd go away- maybe they'd think she got up and left her house. However, that was unlikely. She knew the former Avengers telling her about Natasha's passing was hard, they all sat with her, even Thor, hell even Tony sat with her as she stared at the wall. 

They had to take her back to her apartment that night. They led her to her bed and stayed the night. Steve cried when they told her, she almost wanted to laugh at all this emotion. They didn't care about Natasha. If they did they would have stuck together. She believed they cared to a point, but not enough, never enough. Natasha was her everything, she wished she was there something, but the hard truth was the Avengers were never a family. Not the one that Nat believed they were. 

Maria always believed this. When it came down to it, they were war buddies, not a family. Not to say the military couldn't be family, Maria knew first hand about this. She had a deadbeat father, yet the people she met during the army were her family. They looked out for one another, they knew each other's secrets and greatest desires. She had a biological little brother, he's fresh out of college, worried about his sister. 

Noah would call, Maria never answered. But he left messages. Told her he loved her and that he was here for her. But he kept his space. He knew better than to get in between Maria and her emotion. The thing about the Avengers, was they didn't know her, they treated her like any other person, but she wasn't like everyone else. Despite all this, Maria rolled over, grabbing her shirt and pulling it over her head. As she headed to the door she grabbed a scrunchie, Natasha's, carefully pulling her hair back then rubbing her eyes with her hand. Fuck whoever is at her door. 

They were mid-knock when Maria pulled the door open. At the door were Clint and Laura. No kids she noted as she looked beside them. 
"what do you want." She muttered to them, not moving to let them in. Clint was holding groceries in his arms and Laura held a pan, casserole, or lasagna Maria thought. 

"Well good afternoon to you too," Clint said then held up the groceries. "We brought you shit since we know you don't shop." Laura moved to hit Clint in the stomach. Maria remembered introducing Clint and Laura. Laura was an ex shield agent, she quit after a particularly rough mission and decided she wanted more to life than what she had. So she and Clint Started their family. They were the lucky ones. 

"What my stupid husband means, I made too much food for the kids and me," A lie, they all knew those kids could eat more than they could fit in their tiny bodies. "So we thought to ourselves maybe you could use a break from cooking." Another lie. They all knew Maria didn't cook for herself anymore. On the rare occasion she remembered to eat, she ordered the cheapest take-out she could find. "Can we come in?" Maria stared at them a moment. She wanted to slam the door in their faces but she knew Natasha wouldn't approve. Masha doesn't be mean to them, let them stay they are our friends. Natasha would have said, she had a soft spot for Laura and Clint. So Maria moved out of the way. 

She didn't miss the sigh of disappointment that fell from Laura's lips as she saw what her apartment looked like. It was messy and disorganized. Those were not the words often used to describe Maria Hill. But they walked in over to the kitchen, the counter cluttered with take-out and alcohol bottles. If she was in a better mindset, she'd be embarrassed. 

"How have you been dear?" Laura asked as Clint quietly collected the piles of take-out to throw them away. Maria grabbed one of the bags he picked up and took it to the refrigerator. She still wanted that one, unfortunately for her, Laura took the bag and handed it back to Clint. Maria rolled her eyes. 

"Do you really have to ask that?" Maria muttered. It was the middle of the afternoon and she was wearing baggy shorts and a t-shirt two sizes too big, her hair was a rats nest, and she had a week's worth of take-out, now, piled in the trash. 

"I'm worried about you Maria," Clint said gently, causing Maria to scoff. "We know what you are going through-" 

"Excuse me?" Maria got defensive. "Do you? How on Earth could you possibly know what I am going through. You of all people do not have the right to say you know what I am going through. I am like this because of you!"

"Maria, he trying to be here for you." 

"I don't care. He can't be here for me. He doesn't care! This is his guilt. His stupid survivor's guilt! He doesn't care. He doesn't care about Nat. No cause if he did he wouldn't have left her alone for five years!" 

"You don't get to do that Maria. I get you are in pain but you do not get to crucify me for the way I choose to deal with my guilt. You weren't there!" Clint knew Maria was in pain, but Natasha was his best friend, and it wasn't like he wanted her to jump off the damn cliff! He tried, he really tried. Natasha was always the better fighter. 

"No I wasn't but Nat was! And she was alone. You had the option to be with her but you denied her! She only ever wanted a family do you not understand that?" She hissed at him. "She is gone and it's your fault!" Tears had begun to form in her eyes again. She was drunk tired and broken, she didn't even care as she yelled at Clint. She just wanted to wake up from this all and for it all to be one big dream. 

"Maria," Laura said sternly as if she was talking to her children. "I know you are in pain. I know you miss her, but what happened up there, Clint tried his hardest to fight her. But you know Natasha, as stubborn as ever." 

"His hardest wasn't good enough." She said, that tear finally falling down her face. She didn't even move to wipe it away, but let it stain her rosy cheeks. Natasha would be so disappointed in her. Not because she was crying, but because she was yelling at her best friend for letting her die. Deep down Maria knew Clint wasn't at fault but it was easier to blame him than face the truth. Natasha jumped all on her own. She had lost all hope that believing some red-faced being was the only option she had. 

"Maria-" Clint tried to say but she cut him off once more. The sound of his voice made her want to punch him in the face- hard. 

"You said goodbye. You got to tell her you loved her. God the last time I saw Natasha she told me she was heading to Wakanda. Told me not to worry, that she'd call me once it was all over. I didn't even get to tell her I loved her because Steve called her over. I..." The realization watched over the tall brunette. "I never got to tell her how much I loved her." 

"She knew," Laura said, watching as Maria moved against a wall and fell down to the floor. "Maria, she talked about you every chance she got. She adored you. Loved you with everything she knew how." 

"I miss her." Maria let out quietly. Natasha was her everything. How did they expect her to move on when there was nothing to move on to? Everyone got something out of the blip, Tony and Pepper can raise Morgan, Sam got the shield, Steve got to help bucky accommodate to the new world he's in, hell even Wanda got Shuri to fix Vision. But Maria...well Maria lost everything. 

The rest of the night was a blur, she had one too many beers before the couple said their goodbye. Laura made Maria promise she'd call, even though they both knew that she wouldn't. Clint was hesitant to leave, he worried about Maria. He remembered promising Nat he'd take care of her. She's going to be difficult, but Clint she's worth it. Please I can't leave this world knowing she's gonna be in pain. Now Maria wasn't his favorite person, but she meant the world to Natasha, which means she meant the world to him now. 

He told her he'd be back in the morning. And he was. Every Monday and Thursday, he'd come over to see her. He'd sit in the living room while Maria slept. As she watched the world drag on. Two months later, Maria still stayed in her room. 

Nick Fury had known Maria longer than most people in her life had. He'd probably known enough about the woman to write a book. He spent countless hours with her before she locked herself away. Maria Hill was a force to be weakened with and for the longest time, he didn't think she had any weaknesses. That was until she became close to the deflected Russian stray that Clint Barton brought in. 

Natasha was a surprise to everyone. She wasn't exactly a mindless killer like you hear the Black Widow agents being. The moment you meet her you can tell she's got, heart. A good person in a bad situation. Natasha Romanoff was the biggest bet Nick had ever bet on. But it had been worth it in the end. Natasha Romanoff, the unsung hero. 

When he found out why his right-hand man had been dodging his calls he was pissed. He choose Maria because she had what none of the other candidates showed. True commitment. She was married to the job and was ready to drop everything for Shield. But Nick never figured Maria Hill meeting the Russian spy would give his number one a sense of family, love, and will to live. So after he was done being pissed, he understood. He couldn't exactly say he knew the feeling of losing the person you love and cherish most, but he knew that having someone, even a friend, was better than having nothing. They needed a bit of humanity to hold onto so they don't lose themselves. The only problem was once they lose that person- they end up losing themselves anyways. 

Nick walked straight into the pigsties of Maria Hill's apartment. Sharon Carter following in suit, she was, besides Natasha of course, the only person Maria would consider a friend. They'd get drinks, and before Natasha and Maria started dating, they'd decide who at shield was worthing fucking. 

"Are you sure we are in the right apartment director? This house screams everything but Maria Hill." She looked around at the dirty floor. At the window was a black cat glaring daggers at them, as if they were trespassing in his home. "Never mind, devil cat is here," Liho was his name. Natasha found him on her first mission and took him home. They've been together ever since. 

"And I believe that," He pointed to the pile of blankets on the couch, "Is the deputy director herself," Nick saw the woman's hand sticking out from under the blanket. They took a step closer and the cat jumped in front of Maria. A guard cat it seems. "Hill call off the damn cat before I throw him out." 

"Don't." Was the only thing that came from Maria's lips. She sighed sitting up, the sweatshirts falling to the floor all around her. She was pale. She needed some sun.  Probably needed therapy. It's been weeks. Why can't she move on? Why can't she see the world like she used to? Why did she have to go and fall in love with Natasha Romanoff? 

"You're alive." 

"And yet I wish I wasn't," Maria replied back, not bothering to readjust herself to look more professional. If Nick Fury wanted to barge his way into her apartment after she quit- he can deal with this look. The new her as she liked to call it. 

"I'm worried about you hill." He flat out said. 

"Worried would be an understatement considering your apartment is the definition of the dump," Sharon said, pushing over some clothes in order to take a seat. Maria was not a messy person, she loathed things being out of place, for a moment Sharon wasn't sure if they were in the right apartment. 

"Did you just come in here to insult my apartment?" It wasn't home. Not anymore. Natasha was her home and now it just felt like a building she slept in. Natasha made everything seem easier, and warmer. 

"We came to knock some common sense into your mind." Fury said. "Hill I have watched you grow into deputy director-this job does something to you. Makes you numb. The fact that you were even able to find someone to make you feel... whatever it was that she made you feel, is impressive. You always did go above and beyond. But this, the person sitting here in front of us, is not you." Maria wanted to laugh. That Maria was gone, long gone. All that's left is this empty shell of a person. 

"Maria, ever since I met you, I felt like you had this aura about you," Sharon said. "You are strong. Right now you are lost- a bump in the road." 

"A bump in the road?" Maria laughed bitterly. "Natasha Romanoff's death was a lot of things- but a bump in the road is not something I'd consider it being." She walked over to the counter and leaned against it, counting her breathes. "Neither of you understand what it is that I am going through. This wasn't just some inconvenience in my life. My life didn't just take a turn! It did an entire 180." 

"That's not what we are saying, Maria," Sharon whispered. "We know how much Natasha meant to you but this, this is just stupid. sitting here wasting your life away. Natasha wouldn't have wanted that." 

"You do not get to tell me what Natasha would have wanted. Where were you, Sharon? I know you didn't snap away so where the hell were you? I thought you were her friend!" Maria said. "You do not get to come here and ask questions about my girlfriend. You wanna tell me I am stupid, or losing my mind you go right ahead, but you do not get to mention her name because none of you cared about her. " Maria looked up at the two people standing there. "Get out of here." 

"Maria please-" 

"No. I am tired of people telling me I need to get over this- move on. I don't. It hasn't even been a year!" People grieve in their own ways, why was it so hard for them to understand that she too needed to grieve. 

"There is someone I want you to talk to," Nick said ignoring her protest. "Clint found her hiding out in Russia, figured it be of use to you to talk to her." 

"I don't need to be set up." 

"That's not what this is. Get dressed hill." Nick didn't leave any room for discussion as he walked out, throwing a hoodie at Maria. Sharon followed shortly. She really needed to go underground for a bit. She'd talk to whoever this was then after that she's gone. She didn't know for how long but she sure as hell needed to get away from everyone around them. 

The Quinn jet ride was long and painful. Natasha used to make flying fun, shed get all serious but then make little jokes through it all despite her cool exterior. It was honestly entertaining. But now it was boring, pointless. Going somewhere she didn't even want to go. Not to mention the many people on this jet were making her uneasy. Phil Coulson and Melinda May had joined the ride at some point.

"Is there any alcohol on this plane?" Maria finally spoke up once she had enough of Sharon and Phil taking pity glances at her. "May I be sure you have something hidden around here, you can't be locked up with Coulson this long without Vodka." 

"I take offense to that," Coulson said. "And no I don't think Melinda keeps-" Before Coulson could finish his sentence May pulled out a bottle of Vodka, half-drunken. "Really may," Her only response was to shrug and hand the bottle off to Maria who drank it eagerly. Nick sent May a glare. Hopefully, this trip would end soon. 

They finally arrived at where ever it was they were heading, Maria had no clue where they were. She didn't care. They could be out here to kill her and she wouldn't mind at this point. She just wanted this to all be over so she can go back to sleep. 

They led Maria into a house, it was old. It was different, felt almost familiar however, she had never been here before. Coulson let her sit, on the couch, the only sound she could hear at the comment was the loud clock. And barton. Of course, he was here too. He just had to find her here. 

"Maria, this is Yelena," Maria looked up at Clint's words. A young blonde woman stood before her. She wasn't stupid, Natasha was her girlfriend for god sake, of course, she knew who Yelena was. She only had never met her. But when Natasha looked up at her she felt something she had felt before, she felt like someone finally understood what she was going through. 

"So you are the woman my sister was so infatuated with. Maria Hill." Yelena looked her up and down, Maria only starred at her. She wasn't crying, her eyes weren't stained with tears, she was just, getting on with life. "Leave," She said to everyone else. Clint gave maria a questioning look before she nodded her head and everyone left them alone to talk. "You're a mess." 

"I'm a mess? Yeah well, I lost the one person in my life I care about so yeah, I think I can justify being a mess." Maria said. "My question really is how are you not a mess?" 

"I, like my sister, grew up in the red room. I don't really do a lot of emotions. But I learn by example I guess. Maria Hill my sister...stubborn. That's what she was. She was bound to be copped out eventually." 

Yelena moved so that her legs were underneath her. She sat like a child. Maria could honestly say she was entranced by her, not in a love-type way, but in an admiration-type way. The same way Natasha would talk about her little sister, she could now understand 

"Natasha was a hero. Those people in that room don't understand what she did. But you do, don't you Maria Hill." 

"Why do you keep saying my name?" 

"So you know I know about you. Natasha liked to talk about you. When she helped us all take down the red room, she couldn't stay with me because her idiot best friend got himself imprisoned and her crazy girlfriend couldn't be without her for more than a couple of days at a time." 

"She liked to exaggerate," Maria said, a soft smile formed on her lips. The first smile on her face in a very long time. "Does it bother you? People walking around pretending to mourn her? These people, none of them cared about her but now she's dead and suddenly she was everyone's best friend, everyone's hero. They didn't know her and yet people say they know how I feel? They don't." 

"People like to find comfort in anything they can. This time it happened to be Natasha. My papa, he said this hero thing is stupid, that she died for what? Glory? My ma'am told him to shut up," A smile laced her face. "Grief carries people in different ways Maria Hill." 

"Why did they all want me to talk to you?" Maria asked. "I never knew you beforehand." 

"I think they feel like you and I share something in common. Grief. They want you off your ass and quite frankly they should." She made a hand motion at her. "You look like a train wreck. And you smell like shit. So go get dressed. Because if my sister ever saw you like this she'd dump you faster than my papa in the bathroom after ma'am cooks." 

"You are very bossy. I thought younger sisters were supposed to be sweet and understanding?" Maria said. 

"Most little sisters aren't trained killers," Yelena said. "I assume you won't go back to the back to Shield?" 

"Sheild is gone," Maria said. "Has been for a long time. It's time I find something else." 

"How about you hang out with me? Considering you and I are sisters." Technically she and Natasha were never married so her statement was untrue, however, Maria saw the meaning behind Yelena's words. 

Maria took a moment to think, here she was lost in the world once again. But this time she was being given a chance to be close to Natasha again. Natasha may be gone but the people she loved are still around here. She can do good with the time she got from Natasha's sacrifice. 

"What are you doing? Running around the globe for fun?" Maria asked. 

"I am going to help all the Black widows around the world. When Natasha and I took down the red room we got an annotate to save people like me." She leaned back in the chair. "My mission took a detour due to the snap, but now I need to go out there and help out so I ask you again Maria Hill, want to hang out with me?" 

For the first time in such a long time, Maria felt purpose again. She felt like she had a reason to keep going on. Saying yes was the best thing that Maria had ever done. Saving over a thousand windows, and getting to know Yelena, who would soon become a little sister in her own right to Maria. Nearly ten years later, Maria was still helping side by side with Yelena and even continued on with the orphanage in Natasha's name. 

In the end, she saved Yelena. She saved the very woman who Natasha cared for in this world. Yelena sat with her as her eyes began to close. She was at peace. No one really says that about death but Maria feels that. She wasn't one to go to church every Sunday but as she closed her eyes she was greeted by the most beautiful sight and for once everything was okay again, everything was lovely once again. 

"Took you long enough babe," Maria was exactly where she needed to be.