OMG she's updating sound the alarms *sirens* *choking noises* *someone screaming in the distance*

Sorry, it's been like a dark month so I haven't been able to update~social stuff, mental health stuff, etc

So...uh....I turned to my crutch-angst~I felt really bad about not updating so here's some uh dark stuff 

Based off of a twisted Requiem from Dear Evan Hansen

TW: implied death/suicide

Connor

"Of course you look lovely in that suit!"

Why should I play this game of pretend?

Kevin pecked me on the cheek. "Got to go, sweetheart- work."

Remembering through a secondhand sorrow?

"Lunch at Bernie's?" I ask, seeking any time with you.

Such a great love and wonderful friend-

"Can't," he said with that adorable pout. "Meetings."

Oh, don't the tears just pour?

 I nod sadly, still holding his hand. "O-of course."

. . .

I could curl up and hide in our room.

"Hey, babe?" I say into my phone. The third time tonight?

There in our bed still sobbing tomorrow-

"You're not home... it's eleven thirty... Please reply to me."

I could give in to all of the gloom-

"Please Kevin... are you okay? I love you."

But tell me, tell me what for?

I hung up. This was the fourth time this month he was home at three AM.

. . .

Why should I have a heavy heart?

Kevin kissed me every morning when he left for work.... 

Why should I start to break in pieces?

And every morning when he got back.

Why should I go and fall apart for you?

. . .

Why should I play the beaten boy and lie?

It was September, I think, when I first started to suspect. A year after we moved in together.

Saying that I miss you and that

I didn't want to register the late nights... how Kevin never seemed interested in me in that way any more...

My world has gone dark without your light?

I just wanted to hold on to 'us' for as long as I could.

I will sing no requiem tonight.

. . .

I gave you my world, you threw it away.

Until I found him.

Leaving these broken pieces behind you...

I didn't believe it.

Everything wasted, nothing to say...

I didn't want to believe it.

So I can sing no requiem...

. . .

I hear your voice, I feel you near

"Honey!" I call out, closing the door. "I got that promotion!" Giddy with the cake that my boss had given me, I excitedly went to our bedroom.

Within these truths I finally find you

I push the door open.

And now that I know that you weren't here

The cake drops to the floor.

I will sing no requiem tonight.

. . .

Why should I have a heavy heart?

Kevin's number rang again for the eighty-seventh time three months later as I sat in our- my, apartment.

Why should I say "I'll keep you with me?"

This time felt different. When I didn't pick up, it rang again.

Why should I go and fall apart for you?

"Connor? This is Julia Price..."

. . .

Why should I play the beaten boy and lie?

It was all a blur, that coffee meet up.

Saying that I miss you and that

All I registered was that his new apartment had an old stove.

My world has gone dark without your light?

One day he were cooking... Mac' and cheese? My favorite....

I will sing no requiem

And something happened with the gas...

Tonight.

. . .

'Cause when the villains fall, the kingdoms never weep.

I wore that suit.

No one lights a candle to remember.

Kevin had told me I'd looked lovely in it exactly six months before.

No, no one mourns at all

It wasn't quite the same with the thirteen pounds I'd lost.

When they lay them down to sleep

I didn't cry as I watched him go down into the earth.

So don't tell me that I didn't have it right

I stayed long after the ceremony was over though.

Don't tell me that it wasn't black and white

Sitting on the ground in front of him. Staring at the stone.

After all you put me through

In silence. I had no words left to say to him-I'd screamed them all that day.

Don't say it wasn't true

There was just something tugging in me.

That you were not the monster

I needed to do something though...

That I knew.

. . .

'Cause I cannot play the beaten boy and lie

"Please just leave me alone!"I ask him over and over as I walk away.

Saying that I miss you and that

His voices echoes in my head.

My world has gone dark-

I pull the supplies out of the bathroom cupboard- where they'd been waiting for two months.

I will sing no requiem-

I steady myself.

I will sing no requiem-

Begin.

I will sing no requiem tonight.

Maybe he can tell me how lovely my burial suit is too.

745 words

Again- I'm really sorry for not posting for so long. Just rough times.

I love you guys so much!

-Em