"So, as I was saying..." Kimberly rolls her eyes as she re-applies her lip gloss for the twentieth time with her ridiculously small compact mirror. We were standing in the middle of the common room where all the sixth formers hung out between classes. "The party went really well, I didn't even throw up in the pool this time." She made smacking sounds with her mouth to ensure that her thin lips were fully coated with the gloss. She was a clever girl just like her sister but felt the need to mask this and make being a dumb, party girl her whole personality. The shy and clever 14-year-old Kimberly I remember from Chem Club would cringe at the sight of her now.

I'm not even sure how I got myself into this conversation.
I definitely didn't ask her about the party and I couldn't care less about what went on at hers last weekend. All I said was 'You're stepping on my trainers, Kim.' and she took this as an opportunity to fill me in on the 'latest gossip' from her party.

If there's one thing I hate, it's gossiping. Why do people feel the need to discuss others as a form of entertainment? Now, useless information such as "Sander kissed Cassie" and "Brett's little sister hooked up with a year 12." was clogging up my brain instead of the important stuff like why the cold war happened which I actually needed to know for a test I'm having in an hour. Crap.

Still, I try and be polite as I always am. "It sounds like it was great, Kim." I put on my signature smile which earns a blush from her. I always wondered if she had a thing for me but I guess I'd never want to know now I've got Harley. "What a shame I couldn't make it."

"Yeah, it really is a shame, isn't it? Hey, there's a rumour going around that you were spending your Saturday with a certain someone." She states, blowing a bubble with her gum. "What was her name again? Hermione something ?" She puts her perfectly manicured fingernails on her chin as if she was thinking really hard.

"Harley-Blair." Hermione something? "I don't have time for this, I've got to go." I salute her and head out through the fire exit door at the back of the room, hoping she doesn't follow me.

"Wait! You didn't tell me if it was true or not!" She shouts after me, waving her arm in the air like a lunatic.

I decide to go by to the back of the school where the bins are, hoping to see Harley again.

She isn't there.

I'm not disappointed. Okay, I am. But I don't know what I expected. I haven't seen her since we hung out.

It was great. I miss her already. She didn't even flinch when she met Rose. She admired my art and better yet she liked my snacks.

It's crazy and cliché at the same time. I never thought I'd be in this position again. Yeah, sure I've been in relationships and all of that but I haven't had a crush like this before.

After a few minutes of hiding behind the vending machine, I make my way back to my locker, praying that Kimberly wouldn't pop out from anywhere again.

When I finally open my locker door, a small pink note falls to the ground. I make my way to pick it up but another hand beats me to it.

"What's this? Valentine's Day is months away," Zacchias unfolds it carefully and reads it, I don't even try and stop him; I've never been one to hide anything from him and I'm not going to start now.

"Dude!" He smirks, and his crazy blue eyes light up with mischief. "Is this from that Harley-Blair girl?" At least he got her name right.

I roll my eyes and quickly snatch the paper away from him and read it myself. My heart skipped a beat when I see my name in her handwriting.

Sure, it's written on the back of a napkin and the writing is rushed and messy but to me, it's perfect simply because she wrote it.

The only thing it says is "Parker- bins after school?" and one small X.

Zacchias clears his throat loudly which snaps me out of my little daydream about Harley.

"Listen, bro, I know I'm not one to talk about relationships," I snort loudly at that, that's extremely rich coming from him.

Zacchias and his girlfriend Jasmin Jelani have been in an on/off relationship since we were in year 9. I'm not sure how they met, all I know is that one day it was just me and Zachy and then the next day it was me, Zachy and Jasmin.

She cheated on him after about 6 months of dating and he cheated back and it's just been a vicious cycle since then. They don't seem to understand that the only people they're hurting are themselves and yet they refuse to break up with each other.

I've never seen two people who love each other so much but just don't know how to put the love to good use.

In a way, I do feel sorry for them, I think she really liked him and he really liked her but they just didn't do it right. It seems I'm not the only one who seems to suck at this 'love' thing.

He shakes his head and his stupid curls fall around his face. The type of bouncy film star curls that all the girls adore and he definitely capitalises off of it. He does this whenever he's nervous or when he's about to say something he doesn't want to say and from then I already knew what he was going to mention.

"Don't say it," I warn, pointing my finger at him and lean back against my locker door. Zacchias was a bit taller than me so no matter how I stand he always towers over me. It can be a bit annoying whenever we're arguing but other than that I've gotten used to it.

He sighs and lifts his shoulders in a half shrug. "It's just after what happened with Crescent... I don't think it's such a good idea, Parker."

Oh Crescent, she was my first something. We were like the power couple of year 11. We even went to prom together. After years of third-wheeling Zachy and Jasmin, I decided it was time for me to get a girlfriend and lose my virginity before we moved into the sixth form.

We met after she stomped on my foot for not apologising after I accidentally barged past her. She took one look at me and immediately introduced herself,  "Crescent. Yes, like the moon."

We hit it off straight away. There was something about her that made me attach myself to her. But eventually, the relationship broke apart, I didn't love her enough. I never actually took into account how I was feeling. I never asked myself if I was ready to commit or if I was ready for love. I always knew I didn't believe in love the way that others do. To me, there's no such thing. How can it be real when we hurt the ones we're supposed to love? Take my parents, take Zachy and Jasmin, take Crescent and me. The list goes on and on.

Love is not real. Strong emotions and caring for one another may be real but not love. Not love.

I just assumed that because Zachy was ready and we do everything together, that meant I was. I didn't listen to the inner voice in my head telling me that Crescent wasn't the missing piece to my puzzle instead I tried to adjust my puzzle to fit her and that didn't work out.

Love is such a strong yet meaningless word and Crescent was so intent on me saying it. I could never bring myself to say those three words to her because I didn't. I did not fall in love with Crescent Abrahams.

I was young and maybe still cynical because to me there was no such thing as love. It didn't exist in my world.

Eventually, she gave up trying and we broke up at the beginning of year 12. After we split, she would flirt with every guy in school to try and make me jealous but I just couldn't bring myself to care. I know how bad that must sound, but I didn't. She just helped me prove my point.

Allegedly, she transferred schools and there were plenty of rumours why.

And although I was not in love with her, she did leave an imprint on me. She would always proclaim how she didn't need a man but how she needed me and that made me feel like I had to care for her. Like I had to need her but I didn't.

We weren't compatible at all. She talked too much- I talked too little. She was athletic- I wasn't. I wanted to watch the stars at night- She wanted to... do other things...all night. I wanted something more than just a 'physical' relationship. I wanted something deeper and I was scared that if I didn't settle for her then maybe I'd never find 'the one'. Or if 'the one' wasn't her then there was no such thing.

I didn't love her enough and that was the problem.

The last words she ever said to me before she left was "Thank you for ruining my life," as she threw an egg at my bedroom window at 2 am. I didn't know what to say back to her at the time so I let her go. I let her blame me for her own downfalls.

"Let's not talk about Crescent," I slam my locker shut. Some people say I ruined her, others say she ruined herself. No-one actually knows the truth- not even me.

I start to walk away but he grabs my shoulder. "Please, P, just think about it," I could see the pleading in his eyes; he was more agitated than usual. We only called each other by our initials when we were serious about something, otherwise, it's always 'Park' and 'Zachy'.
"I just don't want you to get all hurt again, that's all." I shrug his arm off. It felt plagued with concern.

Zacchias is only 4 months older than me but he still treats me like a younger brother.

I still remember when we were just kids and we were out playing in the local park and these older kids tried to pick on me. We were both pretty scrawny back then and Zacchias had hair that was so long it would trail down to his hip.  You would think he would get teased for having long curly hair but no one ever dared tease Zachy. Instead, they feared the quiet Israeli kid.

I couldn't say the same for me though, I was like a walking target for bullies. Probably because I would have to ride the special needs bus with my sister every morning and I was pretty small. Thank God for my sudden growth spurt in year 9.

Then Zachy started hanging out with me, he said: "I'll be your best friend but only if you'll be mine." From then on he always felt like he had to protect me.

"No, you don't want me to hurt her."  I spit back, feeling disappointed that he didn't trust me or my intentions. I always wondered if Zachy ever believed the rumours, if he also thought I ruined Crescent Mooney. "Why can't you just believe that maybe- here's a wild thought- I actually like her."

Zachy sighs again deeply and runs his hand through his shaggy dark curls. "You said the same thing about Crescent."

"Listen, I don't want to argue so I'm going to go." I turn and walk away, still thinking about what Zachy said. How could my own best friend not trust me?

"You can't keep running from your problems, you know?"

"Hey Zachy, what's wrong?" I hear Janet Horsley's irritating voice taunt. She saunters over to Zachy, swaying her hips seductively and rests her hand on his shoulder for a little too long. I know the tell-tale signs, he's shagging her behind Jasmin's back.

"Nothing, I'm fine." He shifts his eyes between mine and hers. Then he massages his forehead with his hand.
He knows I know.

I shake my head in disbelief. Again, I know that look. "You're FUCKING her and you had to nerve to question me!"

Janet turns as red as a beetroot and begins to protest, looking around at all the people gathering in the hallway. She folds her blazer clad arms across her chest probably concerned about her reputation as Head girl when frankly no one gives a fuck.

"I can't fucking believe you, Z." He rubs the back of his neck, clearly embarrassed.

Zacchias has the look of shame on his face. I try to catch his eye but he avoids it.

"Stop shouting, Park." He steps forward, pushing Janet away. I noticed how he didn't even try and deny it.

"You know what? You and Jasmin are perfect for each other." I mutter. It's better to just walk away from the situation before it gets any worse.

The problem was I understand why he doesn't trust me.

I don't even trust myself.