CARMEN

Christine told me she gave my number to Michelle so I was expecting her call.

     Nasa sala kami ni Mama at nanonood ng Reputation concert ni Taylor Swift sa Netflix ng mag-ring ang phone.

     Unknown number ang lumabas dahil wala naman siya sa contact list ko.

     Just the same, I picked it up to answer hoping it was indeed Michelle and not someone else.

     Tumayo ako at lumabas sa balkonahe para kausapin siya.

     She was very apologetic for what happened.

     I told her it was okay.

     Well, it wasn't really okay but I'm over it.

     Nilabhan ko na ang sapatos ko at nakasabit ito sa labas para matuyo.

     I debated whether to toss the shoes but then again, sayang naman bukod sa it has a sentimental value to me.

     Helene bought it for my 40thbirthday.

     Kahit pa sinasabi niya na I have other shoes to wear, yun ang lagi kong sinusuot kasi it was comfortable and very casual. 

     I cannot part with it just like everything I have with her.

     "Paano ba ako makakabawi sa'yo?"

     "I told you it's fine. You don't need to do anything." I sounded impatient pero ganun lang talaga ang tono ko.

     Dahilan para mamisinterpret ang sagot ko as being rude when in truth, I'm very straightforward dahil I don't like wasting other people's time.

     "Nakakahiya naman kasi. Ang dami ko ng atraso sa'yo."

     "Who's counting?"

     Mukhang hindi siya affected sa pananalita ko.

     "Alam ko na balewala sa'yo but it will give me peace of mind. Why don't I take you out for coffee? My treat."

     Kumunot ang noo ko sa suggestion niya.

     I'm not asking for anything really.

     What happened was an accident.

     Minalas lang talaga na hindi siya umabot sa gilid ng pader para doon sumuka.

     "Please?" Nagmamakaawa na ang tono niya.

     I was ready to say no.

     I don't really feel like going out kahit pa laging sinasabi ni Christine na I should do it.

     "It's been two years, Carmen. Maiintindihan naman ni Helene if you have fun once in a while."

     Kahit si Mama, yun din ang sinasabi.

     Bata pa daw ako at kung buhay si Helene, for sure hindi iyon matutuwa na makita na para akong ermitanyo.

     Mula ng dumating ako sa Pinas, lagi lang akong nasa bahay.

     What am I supposed to do anyway?

     I don't have friends here anymore.

     After graduating, I didn't keep in touch with my college friends not because I don't like them but because that's just how I am.

     Hindi ako tulad ng iba who still connects with their grade school friends.

     "Hello? Carmen, nandiyan ka pa ba?"

     "Yeah. I'm still here."

     "What do I have to do to convince you? Do I have dance the Macarena para pumayag ka?"

     Natawa ako sa sinabi niya dahil I was amazed she knows that dance.

     "Sige. Papayag lang ko if you dance the Macarena."

     Akala ko, she will back out.

     "Deal."

     Why am I not surprised?

     On a Friday afternoon, I picked her up sa SM.

     During her call, akala ko she will suggest na sa mall kami pumunta for coffee pero she suggested this place sa Tagaytay called M's Café.

     Freshly-brewed daw ang kape at may masarap na apple crumble.

     I don't have the heart to tell her that I actually make a good apple crumble lalo na nung nasa Canada ako.

     Helene liked it so much that there was a time she asked me to make two trays for their work potluck.

     When she came home that afternoon, she was so excited to tell me that not only was the apple crumble a big hit but that her coworkers asked for the recipe.

     She told them she would get it from me.

I went along with what Michelle wanted but not after asking kung okay lang sa kanya na iwanan namin si Zac.

     Ayos lang daw dahil he was staying with his grandparents for the weekend.

     Namimiss na daw kasi ito ng lolo at lola niya.

     We agreed na sa entrance ng parking lot kami magkita.

     Pagdating ko, she was talking to one of the guards.

     Michelle wore dark fitted jeans, short-sleeved white blouse na may ruffles sa bandang butones at dark blue Keds sneakers.

     Aside from wearing matte orange lipstick, wala na siyang ibang make-up.

     If I didn't know about Zac, I will probably mistake her as being in her early twenties dahil sa youthful appearance niya.

     "Hi." Bati ko as soon as lumapit ako sa kanya.

     Napatingin sa akin ang matandang guwardiya na kausap niya na parang minimemorize ang itsura ko.

     I don't think he will have a hard time remembering how I look.

     My hair was styled in a Mohawk and I wore dark purple long-sleeved ribbed cotton shirt, gray Chinos and white Nike's.

     I looked at him at doon lang siya tumigil ng pagsusuri sa itsura ko.

     "Alis na po ako, Manong." Nagpaalam na si Michelle sa kanya.

     I led the way sa kotse na nakaparada malapit sa exit ng parking lot.

     When she got in, it felt weird dahil I was like going on a date.

     The drive to Tagaytay was smooth after namin makalampas sa Dasmariñas.

     There were the occasional buses na rumaragasa and I try not to feel disturbed by it.

     When I started driving in Canada, I was so careful dahil I didn't want to get demerits due to violations.

     I think I still have that mentality now that I'm here sa Pinas kaya nilalagpasan ako ng mga kasabay na sasakyan o di kaya ay binubusinahan ako.

     I don't mind.

     They can go around if they want but I'm not going to speed up for them.

     For me, I would rather be safe than sorry.

     M's Café was located on the side of the road at malayo pa lang ay nakita ko na ang pylon sign.

     Kumanan ako papasok sa parking lot at kahit alas-singko pa lang ng hapon, halos mapuno na ang parking.

     I found a spot sa pinakadulo between an owner-type jeep at isang black van.

     The space was barely enough to let us out.

     Michelle led the way at siya ang nagbukas ng pinto para sa akin.

     The menu was written on a black chalkboard in shades of red and orange.

     Espresso ang kulay ng pintura at sa ibabaw ng counter ay may mga nakasabit na miniature white coffee mugs na may nakalagay na pangalan ng iba't-ibang bansa.

     I wondered it those were real souvenir items or baka custom-made para sa coffee shop.

     May mga booths in red leather upholster at may maliit na stage sa gitna.

     Sa tabi ay may nakalagay na red guitar  habang nasa gitna ang microphone at isang empty wooden chair.

     Halos puno na ang coffee shop ng dumating kami at maingay dahil sa sabay-sabay na kuwentuhan bukod sa music na galing sa overhead speaker.

     Unlike other artisanal coffee shops I've been in, this one was playing New Wave 80's music at hindi chillout music.

     I recognized Belinda Carlisle singing Heaven Is A Place On Earth.

     Binati kami ng isang babae and I saw a sign sa kanang bahagi ng entrance na Friday nights are acoustic night.

     May free show from local artists and occasionally the owner sing too.

     Sinamahan kami ng babae sa corner booth at pagkaupo, inabutan niya kami ng single-page laminated menu.

     Black ang background while the letters were in white.

     I ordered a house brew with three creams and four sugars on the side.

     Michelle ordered a medium size Kapeng Barako and before she mentioned the apple crumble, tinanong niya ako if I'm okay to share.

     "Malaki ang serving at hindi ko nauubos." Sabi niya.

     "That's fine."
     The girl told us she'll be back and when she left, the first thing Michelle did was to apologize.

     "Ano pang kahihiyan ang ginawa ko ng gabing iyon?"
     "Aside from puking on my shoes and telling me not to leave, wala naman masyado." Prangkang sagot ko.

     Her cheeks turned a bright red.

     "Sobrang nakakahiya ang ginawa ko." Nilayo niya ang tingin sa akin.

     "I told you it's fine. It happens you know?" I tried to assure her but she wasn't convinced.

     "What happens? Yung magmukha kang tanga dahil pinili mong uminom kahit alam mo na hindi mo kaya?" Binalik niya ang tingin sa akin and it was clear that she was embarrassed dahil her cheeks were pink.

     I shrugged.

     Kahit gusto kong malaman ang reason why she got wasted, I don't have the right.

     "Ni hindi ko man lang naisip si Zac." Umiling-iling siya.

     "Basta ang alam ko, gusto kong maglasing dahil galit ako kay Edward."

     Lumabas din ang totoo.

     I have a feeling it had something to do with her husband but I don't know the depths of its impact.

     Huminga siya ng malalim at nang magsalita ulit, tuloy-tuloy na kinuwento ang nangyari sa kanila ng asawa.

     Ako naman, nakinig lang.

     I really don't know her at all pero it doesn't seem to bother her na bago lang kami magkakilala.

     Helene used to tell me that I have this effect on people where they feel they can trust me.

     When I asked if she felt that way about me, she said yes.

     Yun daw ang reason kung bakit she told me I won't hurt her although I don't really understand why she said it at the time.

     "Nakakahiya naman sa'yo." Michelle brought me out of my reverie.

     "Ang daldal ko. We just met pero nakwento ko na sa'yo ang drama ng buhay ko."

     "Does Christine know?"
     Tumango siya.

     "Sinabi ko sa kanya nung birthday ni Tita Nena."

     "Why did you marry him in the first place?" Bigla na lang lumabas sa bibig ko.

     Whatever happened to not having to right to ask personal questions?

     She didn't seem to mind dahil agad naman siyang sumagot.

     "Dahil kay Tatay. Ayaw niya pumayag na hindi kami makasal. Kawawa daw ang bata."

     "How can he be kawawa when he has you? Isn't it better to be in a loving home than in a household where the parents always fight because they don't love each other?"
     "Hindi naman sa hindi ko mahal si Edward." Depensa niya.

     "I think I expected too much from him. Akala ko, magbabago siya if we live by ourselves. I guess I was asking for too much."
     "Do you really believe people can change?"

     "Oo naman. Don't you?"
     "If they really want to, yeah why not? But from the looks of it, I think it's too late for your husband to change his ways. Tell me if I'm wrong but I think he's been like that as a child. He will need a lot of therapy to unlearn his behavior."

     Natahimik siya sa sinabi ko.

     "There's a part of me na umaaasa na magbabago siya dahil meron na siyang anak."

     "But it doesn't work that way." Katwiran ko.

     "He has to change dahil gusto niya and not because he was doing it for somebody else."

     "Pero at least may motivation siya na magbago di ba?"

     "I don't know. What if mawalan siya ng motivation? Does it mean babalik na naman siya sa dati? Don't you think it's better na magbago siya dahil gusto niya talaga? That way, kahit anong mangyari, magiging successful iyong attempt niya to change his life dahil he's doing it for himself and not for anyone else? Paano kung may mangyari sa inyo ni Zac? Eh di he will slide back to his old self o baka mas maging worst pa siya dahil wala na iyong dahilan ng pagbabago na gusto niyang mangyari?"

     "Political Science ba ang course mo nung college?"
     "What?" Nagulat ako sa tanong niya.

     "Kasi nakikipagtalo ka sa sinabi ko."
     "Hindi ako nakikipagtalo. You asked me a question."
     "At sinagot mo din ng tanong." Nakangiti siya at nagrelax ako.

     Bumalik na ang babae with our orders.

     Nagpasalamat sa kanya si Michelle bago ito umalis.

     "Ang mabuti pa siguro, iba na lang ang pag-usapan natin. Baka mawalan tayo pareho ng gana kung puro na lang si Edward ang topic."

     "If you say so."
     Tinanong niya ako tungkol sa buhay ko sa Canada.

     "Anong work mo doon?"

     Nilagyan ko muna ng cream ang kape bago sumagot.

     "When I left, I was working as an administrative assistant sa oil and gas company."
     "Wow! Big time ka pala."

     "I don't really look at it that way."

     "Pero at least it's an upgrade sa dati mong work di ba?"

     Wala akong nabanggit sa kanya tungkol sa trabaho ko sa coffee shop.

     Inisip ko na nasabi sa kanya ni Christine.

     "I guess so."

     "Hindi ka na ba sanay magtagalog?"

     "Why do you ask?"
     "Lagi ka kasing nage-English eh."

     "Nasanay na kasi ako." I was tempted to mention Helene but I held back.

     "Hindi naman kita masisisi." Tinuro niya ako ng hawak na kutsita.

     "At least ikaw, may dahilan para mag-English di tulad ng iba na trying hard."

     Tumawa na lang ako sa sinabi niya.

     I asked about her job.

     Enjoy naman daw siya dahil she always loved numbers even as a kid.

     She mentioned the benefits plus the fact that she's been with the company for more almost fifteen years.

     "After graduation, sa kanila na ako nagtrabaho."

     "Diyan mo na ba balak tumanda?"

     "Why not? Unless may magandang opportunity na dumating."

     "What kind of opportunity?"

     "Hindi ko pa alam. Gusto ko sanang mag-proceed sa law dati kaso nga, nabuntis ako."

     "Pwede pa naman di ba?"
     "Carmen, tumatanda na ako."
     "So what? The only person holding you back is yourself."

     "Ang daling sabihin iyan pero nandiyan si Zac. Isa pa, I'm about to become a single mother." Depensa niya.

     "Di ba you're working hard para kay Zac?"

     "Oo naman."

"O baka naman your dreams are not good enough kaya ayaw mong i-pursue?"

Hindi siya nakasagot.

I thought naoffend siya sa sinabi ko.

Inabot niya ang teaspoon at hinati ang apple crumble bago kumuha ng maliit na piraso tapos sinubo.

I think I'm making her uncomfortable with all my questioning.

Nung nasa Canada kasi ako, ang daming opportunities.

Kung gusto mong mag-aral, kahit matanda ka na basta kaya mo, sige lang.

Kung gusto mong mag-aral online, pwede din.

Kung gusto mo ng tatlong trabaho, walang pipigil sa'yo.

Nasa sa'yo kung ano ang gusto mong mangyari.

Hindi naman sa hindi ko siya naiintindihan dahil alam ko na once may anak ka na, nagi-iba ang priority.

But the way I see it, she sacrificed a lot when she married Edward dahil na din sa kagustuhan ng tatay niya.

I saw her eyes shine when she mentioned how she wanted to take law.

But I think that ship has sailed dahil she was being pulled back by her reality and the impending separation from her husband.

Hinigop ko ang kape.

Smooth, mainit at ang bango.

Tama nga siya na iba ang lasa ng kape dito.

Nang mapatingin ako sa kanya, I wasn't expecting what she would say next.

"Ikaw, Carmen? Ano bang gusto mo?"

Binaba ko ang white mug bago nagsalita.

"What do you mean?"
"Sinabi sa akin ni Christine ang dahilan kung bakit nandito ka."
I gritted my teeth.

     Kahit kelan talaga, ang daldal ng kapatid ko.

Manang-mana kay Mama.

     It was one of the reasons dati kung bakit lagi kaming nag-aaway.

     "That topic is not up for discussion." Tumabang at nawala ang sarap ng kape.

     There was an awkward silence between us at tumingin na lang siya sa labas ng bintana.

     Ako naman, I grabbed the teaspoon at kumuha ng apple crumble.

     Despite the change in my mood, masarap nga.

     I inhaled a whiff of cinnamon and oatmeal.

     "I'm sorry." Nagsalita siya ulit.

     "It's not your fault."

     "I was hoping na kung isasama kita dito, baka sakaling maging magkaibigan tayo. Pero mukhang kabaliktaran ang ginagawa ko."

     "Don't be too hard on yourself. Hindi lang talaga ako ready pag-usapan ang nangyari sa asawa ko."

"Naiintindihan ko naman."

Narinig namin na may pumukpok sa microphone at napatingin kami sa stage.

Nakatayo ang isang lalake na nakasuot ng blue and white plaid long-sleeve shirt, tight pants at black and gray toque.

Magsisimula na daw ang show.

Michelle and I stayed for an hour at naaliw naman ako sa mga performers dahil ang gagaling nilang kumanta.

There was this girl na ang liit at may dalang malaking gitara.

She played Taylor's We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together and she was really good.

I whistled after her performance that even Michelle was surprised by my reaction.

"Favorite mo ba si Taylor Swift?" Kunot-noong tanong niya when I sat down after the girl's performance.

"What gave it away?" Nakangiting sagot ko.

We left M's Café at around eight.

Ang sabi ni Michelle, gusto niya daw sana akong igala sa Tagaytay pero we didn't have time.

"It's alright. I enjoyed the performance naman eh."

Hinatid ko siya sa village nila.

Hindi ko na pinatay ang makina to let her know that I don't want to get out of the car.

I know pagod na siya and I want to go home na din.

Michelle had her hand on the door but she turned her head again to look at me.

"Carmen, can we be friends?"

"Oo naman."

Ngumiti siya sa sagot ko.

"I'm sorry if I was a little harsh about when you mentioned that you knew why I was here."

"Ako nga ang dapat magsorry sa'yo. Hindi ako dapat nanghihimasok sa buhay mo."

"Not unless concerned ka just like everyone else?" Pabirong tanong ko.

"Di ko alam...siguro... ewan." Putol-putol na sagot niya.

Tumawa na lang ako sa reaksiyon niya.

"By the way, thank you for the coffee."

"You're welcome."

Bumaba na siya pero nagsalita ulit bago sinara ang pinto.

"Ingat ka pauwi."

"Will do." Tinulak niya ang pinto at pinaandar ko na ang sasakyan.