CARMEN

It's been four months since I last saw Michelle.

I was heartbroken when I left her that day but I understood why she had to do it.

What Edward did was traumatizing.

Paano kung hindi siya nagpanic dahil hindi magising si Zac?

If he had succeeded in taking him away, Michelle would be devastated.

I didn't want to be selfish.

When she told me she needed space, I gave her what she wanted.

No questions asked.

But there was an empty space inside of me.

I felt taken for granted.

I waited till I left her place bago ako umiyak.

Even then, I couldn't really cry because I was driving.

I have to see the road if I want to make it out alive.

Hindi ako umuwi ng araw na iyon.

I kept driving till I found myself at M's Café sa Tagaytay.

Hindi ko matandaan kung paano ako nakarating doon.

I just found myself sitting at their parking lot.

A band was playing that night.

When I came in, they were playing Here Without You by 3 Doors Down.

Great! I thought to myself.

Sa dinami-dami naman ng kanta, yun pa talaga ang naabutan ko.

Napatingin ako sa chalkboard na nakatayo sa tapat ng counter.

Friday Love Nights ang nakasulat in red chalk.

May drawing pa ng puso in different colors, shapes and sizes ang border.

Gusto ko sanang lumabas na lang ulit pero I was tired and hungry.

Kung magda-drive pa ako, I'd probably end up falling asleep behind the wheel.

The host sat me in a corner booth at habang naghihintay ng order ko na black coffee at New York cheesecake, hindi ko maiwasang mag-isip.

Mahal ba talaga ako ni Michelle?
Why is it so easy for her na isantabi ako?

Did I not make it clear enough that I want to take care of her and Zac?

I understand na hindi madali ang nangyari sa kanila but why does she have to push me away?

How much space am I invading sa buhay niya for her to tell me she needs a break?

Mahal ko siya pati si Zac.

I know where I stand in her life and I'm not really asking for much except for her to give me a spot where I can grow and thrive.

Siguro nga I don't deserve that spot.

Perhaps her life would be better if I wasn't there.

The days that followed were gray.

I struggled to get out of bed but I have to.

Mama needs me.

Nahalata niya na I wasn't talking much and the first question she asked was if Michelle and I are okay.

Umiling lang ako.

Hindi na siya nagtanong ulit.

Dahil wala naman akong masyadong ginagawa, I spent my days in QC to inspect the progress in the house.

The first time I went back, naalala ko when I asked Michelle to move in with me.

I remembered her embrace.

Ang higpit ng yakap niya nung araw na iyon and I didn't want to let her go.

I spent at least two hours sa construction site a day and then I'd visit Christine or Charles.

Nung una, nagulat sila dahil bigla na lang akong sumulpot.

Just like Mama, hinanap din nila si Michelle.

When I told them I don't know, nakuha na nila ang ibig kong sabihin.

Christine would tell me about their meetings during basketball games.

"Parang gusto niyang magtanong tungkol sa'yo pero hindi naman nagsasalita."

I was at their house one Thursday afternoon.

Nasa kitchen kaming dalawa at binigyan niya ako ng slice ng chocolate cake na siya mismo ang nag-bake.

"Is she okay?"

"Mukhang malungkot din siya."

I cut a small slice and ate it.

"Ano bang plano ninyong dalawa?"

"I don't know."

"Carmen, alam ko naman na mahal mo siya. Why don't you take the first step kesa naman naghihintayan kayo kung sino ang gagawa ng first move?" Umupo siya sa tabi ko.

"She's the one who needed space, not me. I told her what I feel and even asked her to move in with me. Ano pa ba ang dapat kong gawin?"
"You have to ask her again. Based on her stories, she plays hard-to-get."

"Christine, we're not teenagers anymore. She knows I'm attracted to her and I know she feels the same way. How long do I have to keep doing this?" I asked, annoyed.

"The problem is, you weren't completely honest with her. At least siya, sinabi niya ang gusto niya and you agreed. Eh bakit ngayon nabuburyong ka?"
"Alam mo naman ang nangyari sa kanya di ba?"

"Oo nga. Pero you could have asked her then kung the end na ba para sa inyo kesa naman umaasa ka na she'll come knocking on your door."

Tinitigan niya ako.

"Carmen, from the start, alam mo ng complicated ang sitwasyon ni Michelle. That didn't stop you di ba?"

"Yeah." Nanlulumong sagot ko.

Hinawakan niya ako sa kamay.

"Ang sabi nga ni Taylor Swift, if love doesn't make you crazy, you ain't doing it right." Tumawa siya.

"Don't ask. Basta I agree sa sinabi niya at mukha namang tama siya. I could see that you really love her dahil nababaliw ka na."

After staying at Christine's, I had to go back to the site kasi nakalimutan ko sa counter ang listahan na binigay sa akin ng foreman.

Nakaspecify ang mga appliance na ilalagay and I asked for the list so I could go over it.

It was six thirty when I pulled up in front of the house.

Mabilis ang mga trabahador dahil nakatayo na ang bahay.

They've installed makeshift windows and doors para hindi pasukin ang bahay.

Meron na ding kuryente dahil they were using it for the construction.

I opened the door and walked to the kitchen counter kung saan ko nilapag ang listahan.

Lumabas na din ako agad dahil I had to go back to Cavite.

I just locked the door when I heard a car drove by.

Akala ko, it was just one of the residents sa village so I ignored it.

Palabas na ako ng gate when I saw the lime green colored van.

Michelle was standing beside it.

"What are you doing here?" Tanong ko as soon as I was outside.

"We have to talk."

Niyaya ko siya papasok sa bahay.

Medyo madilim dahil isang bumbilya lang naman ang nasa kusina.

"Why don't you sit here?" Hinila ko ang itim na Monobloc chair na gamit ng mga trabahador at inabot sa kanya.

Pinagpag niya muna ito bago siya umupo.

Kinuha ko ang isa pang upuan at umupo ako sa tapat niya.

"How did you know I was here?"

She had bags under her eyes and she wasn't wearing any make-up.

"Tinext ko si Christine."

"I wasn't even supposed to be here at this hour. You're lucky at naabutan mo ako."

If she noticed my sarcastic tone, hindi naman siya nagpahalata.

"Carmen..." Panimula niya.

"I came here to apologize." Her tears glistened in the dim light, hands clasped tight on her lap.

"I shouldn't have done what I did. Life wasn't the same without you." Tumigil siya saglit.

"I wasn't the same without you. You made a mark on me at nang wala ka, I felt empty."

"Are you sure this time?"

She leaned forward and took my hands in hers.

"Yes."

"How do I know you won't push me away the next time something happens to Zac or to you?"

She raised her right hand.

"I promise not to do it again." Tiningnan niya ako ng diretso.

"Mahal kita, Carmen. I don't want to live my life without you."

Michelle moved closer and wrapped me in her arms.

In the faint glow of the incandescent lamp, I felt my heart warmed up with joy.

Amidst the chaos, the dust and the bare bones of our future home, I carried her to the only place in house that was kept clean—the kitchen counter.

I made love to her in that small space, hungrily kissing her and reconciling with the softness of her skin.

Her warm breath was on my neck, her hands frantically searching for the zipper of my jeans while I hastily removed her cotton shirt.

I planted moist kisses on her chest, her breasts and her belly.

It reminded me of the first time I made love to her.

We were both out-of-control and reckless.

I felt the same way now and I pushed her against the granite surface, her elbows supporting her body.

Her jeans were a challenge because they were tight but I managed to get them off of her.

My blood pulsated wildly when I caught a whiff of her scent.

Pulling her panties down, I stroked her center with my tongue.

Michelle's moans were unrestrained and I felt the effect between my legs.

I didn't stop until I felt the tight grip of her fingers against my shirt.

Her hips bucked, body thrashing wildly as a turbulent response to the orgasm that overtook her.

When she was done, she jumped down and hurriedly pulled up her underwear and jeans.

She pushed my back on the countertop then tugged at my jeans till it fell on the floor.

She kneeled and pulled down my boxers then my right sneaker, leaving me with my socks on.

Michelle looked up and I caught a glimpse of the devilish look in her eyes.

Parting my legs wide, she lifted my right leg and placed it over her shoulder.

I gasped when she licked my dripping center.

Gripping the edge of the counter, I closed my eyes and savored the tingling sensations that were quickly shooting from my feet up to my legs.

She stopped what she was doing and with strong fingers, began rubbing my very hard nub.

Michelle stood up and kissed my mouth.

I tasted myself in hers and it was maddening as her tongue explored my mouth and lips.

My entire body was warm and eager.

I felt the tip of her nail and it drove me out of my mind.

I moaned and cursed to the high heavens till the ferocious energy subsided.

My eyes were closed the whole time.

When I opened them, Michelle was smiling at me.

In her I knew my heart has found a home.