CARMEN

I felt like it was my first time again when I came back to Canada.

            Bago mag-landing ang eroplano, the captain made an announcement about the weather.

            The temperature was -23C.

            Kapag sinama ang windchill, it was -37C.

            According to him, there was a severe weather warning and everyone was advised to dress warmly.

            The last part was something I wasn't prepared for.

            When I sold our possessions, kasama sa mga binenta at dinonate ko were the heavy Canada Goose parkas.

            Wala sa plano ko ang bumalik agad sa Canada.

            When Sasha arrived at the airport, I was waiting for her at the lounge.

            As soon as I received her text, I dragged my suitcase outside.

            My nose hairs froze and my cheeks went numb from the blast of cold air.

            "Carmen, hop in." She had the windows down.

            As much as I wanted to run to get to the car, ayoko namang madulas lalo na at I was only wearing Nike runners.

            Sasha stepped down and opened the backseat.

            "I'll hug you later." Sabi niya habang inaabot sa akin ang red Canada Goose down jacket.

            Siya na din ang nag-akyat ng suitcase at pinapasok na ako sa loob.

            Pagsakay niya sa driver's side, pinaandar niya agad ang sasakyan bago pa kami lapitan ng mga nagbabantay sa parking.

            "I can't believe you're finally here." She took her eyes away from the road.

            "Me too." I rubbed my palms together dahil naninigas pa din ang katawan ko sa sobrang lamig.

            "I bet you didn't miss this weather."

            I looked ahead and flurries were coming down hard.

            Everything was blanketed in white—the roads, the houses and the mountains up ahead.

            The pond surface turned to ice and the grass were wrapped in hoarfrost and it glistened in the sun like diamonds.

            May usok sa kalsada at ethereal ang appearance nito na para kaming nasa enchanted na lugar.

            Ang mga driver, hindi masyadong mabilis ang patakbo dahil madulas.

            Those who were driving smaller cars would fishtail kapag mabilis ang pagliko.

            "No. I did not miss this weather." Sagot ko.

            Sasha lived in the northeast part of Calgary.

            It was a twenty-minute drive from the airport and when we reached the single-level house na binili nila ni Nick a year after they got married, she opened the attached garage at dahan-dahan siyang kumaliwa to park the black Nissan Frontier.

            Pinindot niya ang garage door opener para isara ang pinto at bumaba ako para kunin ang suitcase.

            "Let's go inside." Pinihit ni Sasha ang doorknob at una akong pinapasok.

            Once we were both inside the house, saka lang kami nagyakap.

            "I miss you, Carmen." Sabi niya after niya ako yakapin.

            "I miss you too." Sagot ko.

            "You must be hungry." Sasha led me to the kitchen.

            L-shaped ang mahabang kusina with granite countertops, dark-brown cupboards and shelves at three-panel window sa ibabaw ng lababo.

            Ang appliances ay stainless steel kaya lutang ang contrast sa kulay ng mga cupboards.

            "Why don't you sit down?" Tinuro niya ang ten-seater rectangular table.

            Binuksan niya ang fridge at nilabas ang square glass tray na may lamang lasagna.

            May bintana sa tapat ng table at habang hinihintay si Sasha, nakatitig lang ako sa labas at pinagmasdan ang pagbagsak ng snow.

            It felt like ages ago since the last time I was here.

            That was during my going-away party in March.

            Winter pa din that time but the deep freeze happened in January kaya hindi ganito kalamig.

            I remembered how we used to have parties sa bahay ni Sasha dahil she loved doing those things.

            Lagi niyang sinasabi na it helps her forget how big and alone she was in the house kapag nandun kaming lahat.

            I heard the microwave beeped at inalis ko ang tingin sa bintana.

            Sasha was walking towards me at dala niya ang dalawang plato na puno ng lasagna.

            "Here." Nilapag niya sa harap ko ang isang plato .

            "I'll just wash my hands." Tumayo ako.

            "How was your flight?" Tanong niya habang binubuksan ang isang shelf para kumuha ng tinidor.

            "It was alright. I slept through it." Sinara ko ang hot water tap at pinunasan ang kamay sa tuwalya na nakasabit sa handle ng oven door.

            "Let's eat." Anyaya niya ng bumalik ako sa lamesa.

            May pitcher ng lemon iced tea at puno na ang baso na basa harap ko.

            "Thank you." Inabot ko ang tinidor at nagsimula na kaming kumain.

            "Did Nick come home?" Tanong ko bago sinubo ang maliit na slice ng lasagna.

            Natigilan si Sasha sa pagnguya.

            "No."

            "Is everything okay?"

            Pinatong niya ang tinidor sa plato.

            Tinitigan ko siya and her hazel eyes were a mixture of orange, gold and blue.

            "What's going on, Sasha?"

            Inabot niya ang baso ng iced tea at uminom muna bago sumagot.

            "Nick and I are divorcing."

            "Oh." Ako naman ang natigilan.

            Hinawakan ni Sasha ang noo niya at minasahe ang sintido.

            "I wanted to wait before I tell you anything."
            "What happened?" Nawalan ako bigla ng gana.

            "Do you remember how he told me that his tour was going to be his last?"

            Tumango ako.

            "He didn't tell me that he signed up again. I only found out about it when I got the mail for his assignment."

            "How did you find out?"

            "I opened his mail."

            "What? Why did you do that?"
            "I know it sounds bad but I  was holding this letter in my hand and my instinct were going off like crazy." Tinitigan niya ako and her eyes were slate gray.

            "I even hid it in a drawer so I won't be tempted to do anything stupid but there was something in my mind that kept telling me to open it."

            "And you did?"

            "Yes."

            "Was it worth it?"
            "I guess so. When he called, I confronted him about it. I asked when he was planning to tell me."

            "What did he say?"

            "He said when he comes home."
            "So, why the divorce?"

            "Because I also found out he was seeing another woman. A fellow soldier."

            "Oh, Sasha." Tumayo ako at niyakap siya.

            "Life has been pretty shitty I must say." Bulong niya.

            "Tell me about it."

            "But you know what really pisses me off?"

            Bumalik na ako sa upuan.

            "What?"
            "Before I found out about the other woman, he told me the reason he signed up again was because of a promotion. His commander encouraged him to enlist because it would be good for his resume. The fucked up thing was, I actually believed him."

            "How did you find out about the other woman?"

            "Facebook, how else?"

            "I'm sorry." Sabi ko ng tumahimik siya.

            "I'm not. No wonder he was hemming and hawing about going home. Everytime I asked him about it, his mind would go blank. There was even a time when I got upset I yelled and asked him why he couldn't leave that godforsaken place."

            She took a sharp exhale.

            "Are you going to be okay?"

            "There are days when I think I'm okay but when I think of how our marriage went to shit, it makes me want to strangle him." She sighed.

            "It makes you question yourself, you know? But he was never home and all this time I thought it was because of work. That jerk was so good at hiding things and it used to drive me crazy. You know how OCD he was with things. He wants everything in their place. If I put the white socks with the colored ones, it would send him in a tizzy. I didn't realize it was part of his controlling personality."

            "Did you find out how long they were having an affair?"

            "Two years."

            "That long?"
            "I told you he was good at hiding things." Sasha gave me a sad smile.

            "I'm sorry I just dropped the bomb on you."

            "Don't be. I'm glad you told me."

            "Does Nicole and Laura know?"

            "Yeah." But I told them after I filed for divorce. They have enough cares of their own what with the pregnancy and the stress of being first-time mothers. I didn't want to saddle them with my own problems."

            "Why didn't you tell me about it?"

            "You have your own stuff to think about."
            "We're friends. Besides, you were always there for me during Helene's death." The words spilled out.

            Unlike before when I couldn't even utter the D-word, I think I finally reconciled with reality.

            She's gone and there was nothing I could do to change it.

            Sasha noticed it too.

            "Wow! I didn't expect to her that from you."

            "I know. But that's the truth."
            "How have you been anyway?" She picked up the fork again and resumed eating.

            "Oh god! The food is already cold." She put down the fork.

            "Do you want me to heat it up?"

            "I'll do it." She was already up on her feet.

            "Do you want me to nuke yours too?"

            "Yeah. Please." I stood up and brought the plate over.

            I leaned on the countertop and watch as she pressed the one-minute timer on the panel.

            "I met someone."

            "Really?" Sasha's eyes lit up, the gray shade replaced by a golden gleam.

            "Yeah."
            "Why do you sound like it was a bad thing?" She frowned.

            "Because she's still married."

            "Oh." The microwave beeped.    

            Sasha opened a drawer and took out the blue kitchen mitts before removing the plate.

            "She has a son and it was clear that she still has feelings for the guy so I decided to step away from all that drama."

            "Good for you." Sasha took my plate and placed it inside the microwave.

            "Do you really think so?"

            The loud humming sound filled the large kitchen.

            "Trust me, Carmen. You don't want to be on the other end of it. I should know."

            I took a deep breath.

            "If she really wants to be with you, she'll end it with that guy and not try to keep you both. Otherwise, she's just being a selfish bitch who wants her cake and eat it too."
            The beeping sound went off.

            Sasha opened the door and took out my food.