CARMEN

The disappointment in Michelle's face was obvious.

When I told her I was leaving, bumagsak hindi lang ang balikat niya kundi pati ang mukha niya.

A dark shadow passed from her usually cheerful expression and the devastation tore my heart.

I didn't expect to see her today or anyday.

It's been three months since we last saw each other.

I shouldn't be surprised to see her with her husband but that's what I felt when I saw them today.

I didn't know what to make of it.

Inisip ko na lang na siguro natupad na din ang gusto niya at nagkabalikan na sila.

I only have to look at Zac to know na baka totoo ang hinala ko.

He looked so happy na magkakasama sila at nakahawak siya sa kamay ng mommy at daddy niya habang naglalakad papunta sa ticket booth.

But why is it that everytime nagkikita kami ni Michelle, there is another force at work between us?

Hindi namin mapigil ang isa't-isa.

I didn't expect to see her in the bathroom but there she was.

The initial shock of seeing me there must have froze her dahil hindi siya nakalapit.

Since I had to go back to the movie theater, there was no other way except back where I came from.

Kaso, nakaharang siya sa pinto.

When she put her arms around me, wala akong lakas para labanan siya dahil I miss her too.

Nang maghiwalay kami after our trip to Tagaytay, I was hoping na sana magtext siya.

Gusto ko sanang tumawag pero I was hesitant.

I thought it would be easier kung siya ang mauuna.

Baka kasi kasama niya si Edward at ito ang sumagot ng phone.

The days turned to weeks.

No texts, no calls, nothing.

I was going crazy thinking what happened to her.

Ni ha, ni ho, wala akong narinig.

But when I think na baka nga she reconciled with Edward, it quieted my emotions.

Ang hirap umasa lalo na kung hindi mo naman alam kung meron kang aasahan.

That was the part I hate.

I don't know where I stand in her life.

When I had the conversation with Helene at M's Café, this was what I was thinking.

If she wants her husband back, it totally makes sense for me to be out of the picture.

Unless I want to be a kabit, then ipagsisiksikan ko ang sarili ko sa kanya.

But what exactly happened moments ago?

I didn't resist when she kissed me.

I reciprocated and bared the desire I have for her.

Her lips tasted sweet and her body was warm to my touch.

If those girls didn't have to use the bathroom, I could have taken her right then and there, bacteria be damned.

"Kelan ka aalis?" Kumurap ako at bumalik sa present moment.

"After the New Year."

"Aalis ka ng hindi man lang nagsasabi sa akin?"
"You did the same thing to me." Bigla ko na lang nasabi at natigilan siya.

"Sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out that way."
"Tama ka naman eh. Bigla na lang akong hindi nagparamdam. Sorry din."
Tumayo ako sa harap niya.

"Michelle, this is hard for me too. I don't know where I stand with you. Everytime we're starting to get close, something else happens. Alam mong gusto kita. I want to take care of you. Gusto kong maging masaya sa piling mo at ni Zac pero you're holding back dahil you love Edward and I understand. He's your husband and you have a shared history. I don't fit in this picture and I have to remove myself from this scene."

"Carmen..." Her voice was soft, almost a whisper.

I looked around and saw a couple holding their daughter's hand.

They were smiling at the little girl and they looked happy.

Hinintay ko silang makalayo bago ulit magsalita.

"I wish you the best. It would be easier if I don't see you again. Like what I told you before, I don't want to see you suffer. The one thing I want for you is to be happy. Goodbye, Michelle."

Tumalikod na ako ulit at pumasok na sa sinehan.

The movie was still going when I returned to my seat.

I looked at the middle row kung saan kita ko ang ulo ni Edward.

The seat beside Zac was still empty and it was like that till the movie was done.

My trip to Canada was only temporary.

I received an email from Sasha telling me that the inheritance from Helene has been finalized.

Gusto niyang ipadala ang mga documents para pirmahan ko but seeing as I have no future with Michelle, I decided to leave for a bit.

Isa pa, mas madali kung pupunta ako sa Canada just in case the lawyers need anything from me.

Pumayag naman si Mama dahil ang sabi niya, she's feeling better na.

I told her I wouldn't stay long.

"Anak, take all the time you need. Baka sakaling magbago ang ihip ng hangin. Malay mo may makilala ka doon?"

Nasa balkonahe kaming dalawa isang hapon at nagpapahangin.

Papalubog na ang araw at dumidilim na ang ulap.

Sa mahabang rattan na upuan siya nakapwesto while I sat across from her.

"Ma, I'm not looking for anyone."

"Di ba ganyan din ang nangyari sa'yo kay Michelle? Hindi ka naghahanap pero kusa siyang dumating."

"Mabuti pang huwag na lang natin pag-usapan."

"Carmen, hindi gagaan ang loob mo kung lahat na lang, kinikimkim mo."

"I should have listened to you. You were right. It was complicated."

"Di ba ganyan din ang nangyari sa inyo ni Helene dati?" Paalala niya.

"Ano bang meron sa'yo at napapalapit ka sa mga may sabit? Para kang pambansang third wheel." Tumawa siya pero siya lang ang natutuwa.

"Iba naman po yung kay Helene."

Naalala ko tuloy yung sinabi sa akin ni Helene nung nagmumuni-muni ako sa M's Café at naimagine na nakaupo siya sa harapan ko.

"Anak, ang pinagkaiba lang sa kanilang dalawa ay si Helene, desidido na makipaghiwalay. Si Michelle, hindi alam kung ano ang gagawin sa sarili niya."

"Ma, may anak siya. Hindi madaling iwanan niya si Edward dahil kay Zac."

"Kung yun ang dahilan niya, paano na ang sarili niyang kaligayahan?"
"Are you speaking from experience?"

"Oo." Walang gatol na sagot ni Mama.

"Kung kayong mga anak ko ang inisip ko, baka hindi kayo nakapagtapos ng pag-aaral dahil sa magaling ninyong ama. Pero dahil inisip ko ang ikatatahimik ng isip ko, napabuti kayong magkakapatid dahil sa desisyon ko na tuluyang humiwalay kay Bernardo."
"Hindi ba kayo nagsisisi?"
"Ano ang dapat kong pagsisihan? Napagtapos ko kayong tatlo at maayos na napalaki kahit ako lang mag-isa. Kung patuloy kaming nagsama ng ama ninyo, malamang wala tayong makain dahil sa priority niya ang mga chicks niya."

"Siguro takot si Michelle sa sasabihin ng mga tao sa kanya. Sino ba naman ang gustong mahusgahan lalo na kapag sinunod niya ang gusto niya? Pero lahat tayo, iisa lang ang gusto—ang lumigaya. Sana nga maging masaya siya kay Edward at di dumating ang panahon na magsisi siya sa desisyon niya na isantabi ang kaligayahan niya para mabuo ang kanilang pamilya."

Hindi na ako nakipagtalo kay Mama.

Natapos ang pelikula at bumukas ang ilaw habang lumalabas ang credits sa screen.

Tumayo na ang mga tao at napatingin ako sa pwesto nina Michelle.

Hindi na siya bumalik para tapusin ang pelikula.