Whenever people refer to self destruction, self harm always comes through my mind. You hurt yourself to feel. You bled to know you alive.

But today I realized somehing different.

I'm self destructive. I had this image that I was kind and helped everyone. Turns out I'' not. I do hurt people, specifically those close to me.

How many arugments do I not apologize for because I feel "hurt". So what if I'm hurt? Was it worth the argument?

I started talking to this man. Not a boy, a man. Yesterday I was sad, depressed to the point of relapse. So I posted a video of my bestfriend and told him to facetime me. I needed the FaceTime. I needed someone who knew about my suicidal tendencies to care for me. I needed someone to save me from myself.

Instead of shit getting better, it got worse.

The guy saw it, assumed he was a guy I was talking too and basically called me out on it.

I was hurt. Instead of just defending myself I yelled. I was angry. I was feeling shit about myself and reached out for help and in return, life shits on me. I basically got the word whore thrown at me.

To be honest I miss him. To be honest I may have exploded. To be honest I just want to feel normal. To be honest being called like a hoe by someone you care about hurts. To be honest I'm tired. I self harm it's wrong. I cry it's wrong. I ask for help, shit goes wrong. I'm just overwhelmed by so much.

Was I in the wrong?

Should I have just let it go?

Let him think what he wanted?

Did me trying to prove my character help...

or did I just self destruct again.

What else is fucking new