Chapter 8 – Always so thrilling / As his tutor (Shane)

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Less than a week left before the day I could see her again.

After long, long years, she must've missed me, too, as it's been super duper long since the last time we saw each other.

I raised my hands to my mouth and huffed, rubbing my palms together afterward to relish the warmth from my breath.

Shadows from students roamed the ground while I stood by the school gates. One shade, however, cast over me. It wasn't that wide or tall, but it stopped right behind me.

Turning around, I smiled at his barely lit eyes, accompanied by dark circles below them, meeting my gaze.

"Good morning!" I greeted.

"Morning." He closed his eyes tightly for a brief moment before slumping his shoulders and yawning. Jin's gaze shot back to mine, and one of his eyebrows ascended. "Do you never stay up late to study?"

"I do!"

He gestured his head forward as he walked on, and I followed beside him. "You don't look like it, though."

I giggled. "There's a thing we call a concealer that hides all those dark bags, you know!"

"No thanks. I don't have time for makeup."

"I wasn't offering you or anything, though!"

"You were about to."

I pursed my lips slowly, my fingers rubbing the straps of my bag as I resisted a grin from forming on my lips.

He peeked, then rolled his eyes. "See? I was right."

"Of course you are. Smarty-pants." I semi-whispered, but enough for him to hear.

"Aren't you the smart one between us?"

"Am I?"

"You tutor me."

"It's just one subject."

"Even so."

"You do well in your other subjects, though!"

"And you top all of yours," Jin turned to look at me with teasing eyes, still walking. "Smarty-pants."

His head turned back in front, and I took that chance to puff my cheeks and look away. My grip on the straps of my backpack seemingly tightened, and something warm crept up my face that I'd rather he not see.

"Hmph."

He used to be more on the receptive side when it came to poking fun at each other like this. In fact, he never actively teased me back until a few weeks ago.

My eyes fluttered even farther from his side. The more I think about it, the more I feel like my cheeks would burn up.

It has been two months since we started our tutoring sessions, and for some reason, ever since the middle of November, which was three weeks ago, it seemed he's shed his guard down even more so around me.

And wasn't that what I wanted from the start? For things to be comfy between us?

It wasn't a big deal, yet, something inside me kept insisting on thinking about this. For quite several days now.

"Shane." His arm rose in front of me, and I bumped into it. "We're here."

I blinked more times than I could count and tried to smile at his somewhat confused expression. Ah. We arrived at my first class in the morning.

"Shane?" He took one of his hands out of his pockets. "Are you sick?"

"Sick? No, nothing like that! Sorry. I was spacing out a bit, wasn't I?" I laughed it off, but I felt the familiar heat slowly climbing to my face with how his face distorted to a look of concern. "Thanks for walking me to my class today."

He hummed a bit before shrugging. "We've been doing this for weeks now. Why are you still so formal about it?"

Because something in my system leaped every time we waited for each other by the gate in the morning so you could walk me to my class since you don't have morning classes? Because something at the back of my head thinks of nothing else every time we walk and sit together in the jeepney on the way home?

A part of me even wished PL class would arrive early, the only subject we share; for some odd reason I could try to understand but refused to.

"Are you okay?" Some of his fingers sliding some of my bangs away to press the back of his hand on my forehead dragged me out of my thoughts. "You're kinda heating up."

I held his wrist and gently put it down, shaking my head and maintaining a smile. "I'm okay! Thanks for worrying. I think I just need to take a nap later."

Jin only looked. I rolled my eyes and pushed him away with barely any force.

"Stop looking at me like I'm sick!"

Like I'm important when I know I'm not.

"I'm going to class now, so shoo!"

And leave me as she did.

"Alright, alright. I'll see you in PL class later."

"Yes, yes! Bye, Jin!"

When I found a seat in my first class, I covered my face with my hands. Jin was right—my face heated up.

Despite spending late hours dwelling on my assignments and advanced studying, I'm pretty positive I'm healthy and not sick in any way.

"Whew..."

Deep breaths, Shane. Calm down. I'm probably just overwhelmed and overly worried about so many things because of my anticipation of her return this year.

Jin doesn't need to see and deal with me being like this. I should be the one taking care of him as his tutor. Finals for Philippine Literature would still be in a month, and so on, and Jin was getting better and better in the subject, but I still needed to focus on his success as his tutor.

As his tutor, I should focus on him and nothing else when we're together. Why did I drift away from that principle?

But his fingertips slid over my skin softly, and his somewhat lukewarm hand on my forehead kept repeating in my mind. Even the slow pulse that radiated to me when I touched his wrist echoed back to my fingertips. The sensation of a direct touch with him compared to when I pushed him, and my hands only got to make contact with his backpack, was messing with my head.

Was this that thing they called infatuation?

If that were the case, then I could just keep reminding myself that I'm nothing but a tutor to him, and this feeling would slowly disappear, no?

Wrong.

"I don't mind if you take a quick nap first or something." Jin insisted for the nth time since we started our tutoring session in the library today at noon after classes.

Him showing obligatory concern has been a thing since the first month, but somehow, I feel differently—rather, it affects me differently now.

A lifesaver idea passed through my mind and snapped me back from nearly closing my eyes in a lack of sleep.

"I've been noticing, you know." I smiled. The kind that always made him squint in suspicion. "You've been awfully concerned about my well-being."

"Oh geez."

I almost wanted to snort out laughing at him as his hand softly slapped his already annoyed expression.

"You're starting to like me for real now, aren't you?"

"Can't I be a concerned citizen?"

"A fine excuse!"

"You're my tutor, and you help me with my studies. Of course, I'd want to know if you need a break or something."

"Another fine excuse!"

He rolled his eyes, "I'm not going to convince you, aren't I?"

I faked a gasp. "So are you saying-"

"No," He crossed his arms on his chest and leaned on the backrest of his seat. "but can't I at least convince you to rest for a bit?"

How did it circle back to this topic?

I cupped my cheeks and remained smiling. "Aww, Jin is really worried about me! I appreciate that a lot. Thank you!"

He shook his head. "Fine, fine. You win."

"You're admitting you like me?"

"I'm admitting defeat."

"Same thing!"

"There's a difference."

"Still admitting to me," I smirked a little and squinted. "Don't you worry! I've known about your feelings for two months now."

"Ugh..."

"I've never diminished your feelings, haven't I?"

"Whatever." Jin pouted and sunk to his seat.

He looked so cute like that, and I almost wanted to keep going. It has always been so thrilling to tease him.

I inhaled and slammed the table slightly.

"Alright! Let's go for a short break, then."

"Do you feel any better?"

"I do!"

I really did. All the nerves tingling inside of me decided it was time for a rest. Looking at Jin and receiving his constant obligatory concern no longer gave much of that same sensation it did earlier today.

Infatuations weren't so hard to take care of, huh?

"Will you be taking a nap now or something?" He asked, head cocking to the side.

"No. But I'm suddenly wondering." I placed my arms on top of my notes on the table and leaned my head forward. "Is there any particular reason other than what I think I know regarding why you want to pass this subject so much?"

He straightened up his seat, arms still crossed against his chest. "For a scholarship. Haven't I told you?"

I shook my head.

"You know they only give scholarships for the second semester if you do well with the rest of your subjects."

"Mhm!"

"So," he shrugged. "that's why." He suddenly chuckled, warming up my heart at the sight. "I forgot. You're a scholar, aren't you?"

"Well, yes. I never told you, though."

"You top all your subjects. Come on." He smiled. "How could you not be, right?"

I smiled back and shrugged in response.

"Do you have any reason for studying so hard, too?"

My voice got caught up in my throat after his question. My fingertips on my elbows were suddenly cold, and every other part of me appeared to have frozen at that moment.

I didn't really want to think about that, or talk about it.

But it's just Jin.

Maybe I could disclose a little bit to him. But before that...

"Why do you ask?" I refrained from smiling too much, or else he might notice I was about to tease him again.

"You asked me first, so naturally, I just asked back." Was that so?

"Hmm..." I gasped. "Could it be that you're asking me because you want to know?"

"Huh?"

"You want to know me better!"

Jin's face twitched to an irritated expression and got me giggling.

"That's not it, stupid."

I shrugged, a smile still on my lips. "Bummer. Well, since you want to know so bad-"

"I never said..."

I cleared my throat and faked a cough, which got Jin's opened mouth closing in silence. He probably doesn't care much, but I thought I'd try telling him—someone—and see how I can handle talking about it now.

"My family is broken!" I retained my cheerful tone despite the surprise on his face. "My, uh, dad left us when I was still a baby. They never got married—well, they were about to. But something came up, and dad suddenly decided to leave. I still don't know why."

Although I wished I knew why, part of me desired never to know.

I placed my chin on my palms. "My mom raised me alone for years! She's awesome, isn't she? Well, she got some help from my uncle—my dad's older brother, who also didn't know what changed my dad's mind. They also decided to let me use my dad's surname—Halili." I roamed my gaze to our notes on the table. "And.."

"..And?"

I bit my lip and internally shook my head as I took a deep breath. "And.. when I was six years old," I still remember it like it was just today, "my mom introduced me to my uncle's family, then.. she left me there."

I could still remember how she towered over me and waved goodbye with a small smile.

"Left you with your uncle?"

I nodded, eyes still on the highlighter marks on my notes. "Said she needed to go somewhere far, somewhere she could earn more money. So in the meantime, I was under my uncle and aunt's care."

My eyes shifted up to peek at him, and he nodded slightly. I blinked away and partially closed my eyes.

"..I'm still in their care until now." I lowered my arm to the table, my fingers digging into my palms secretly. Refraining from showing a sign that I was still deeply affected, I met his confused gaze and smiled. "I'm studying hard and raking up as many achievements as I can so once she comes back, she'll be proud to have me as her daughter!"

One of Jin's eyebrows ascended, and his eyes directly on mine squinted as if scrutinizing me. Or what I said.

I laughed it off. "Don't look at me like that! She promised she'll come by soon!" I tried not to purse my lips, but I failed. "I know, I know. It's weird. I'm not forcing myself to take on extracurriculars I don't like, so it's all good!"

"She promised?"

The world stopped, and everything was devoid of color all of a sudden. All the bright and soothing neutral tones of the library enhanced by the setting sun faded to a lifeless grey.

Jin didn't move, nor did the clock on the wall, and I was deaf. The buzzing insects outside, the faint whispers of nature from the slightly opened window between me and Jin, and the white noise of shifting pages from students on distant bookshelves. All had frozen for what felt like an eternity.

I couldn't move my eyes, my throat had undergone a drought, and all my limbs numbed. And right beside our table was the back of my mom facing a younger version of me.

"Be a good girl, now, okay? I'll come back to get you someday. I promise."

In an instant, the world as I knew it reverted to normal—the blurry, devoid-of-color hallucination of my mom and me years ago gone without a trace.

I maintained my smile as if I didn't just space out.

"Mhm!"

Jin doesn't need to know any more than that. It could potentially bother him, which was far from what I'd prefer. He ought to focus more on his studies to get a scholarship.

So, why did I even tell him all this? To prove to myself that I still freeze up whenever I try to talk about it with my friends?

Or did I just want to see if he would care?

I shook my head in disbelief. That couldn't be true. Why would I want to distract him from his studies? That would be the last thing I'd like as his tutor.

"Thanks for telling me."

"It's nothing! All my friends know about it, too. And," it was just an attempt to tease him and forget about my mom for a moment, "aren't we friends now, too?" but should I have really assumed we were friends?

Jin shrugged and took his pen, his gaze on his notebook.

"I guess so."

I'm glad to hear that.