Long chapter ahead

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Ashwin leaned in closer to move the strands of hair that were blocking his view of her alluring face, tucked it to the back of her ear, and caressed the nape of her neck with his fingers which left her gasping for breath.

They had always shared a comfort but this was different. The kind that makes you cross boundaries because you know that this is the person that has your heart and soul.

"Unaku ok na sollu... Aniku start pannadha iniku mudichirlam...", he whispered in his base tone that sent chills down her spine.

(If you are ok with it let me know... I will finish what we started before)

She was losing her mind as her body started to tingle with pleasure when his hot breath fell on the most sensitive part of her neck. There was no room to think nor to react when she was spellbound by the guy she had craved and ached for.

"Ash...win..", she stammered to get his name out in one go when the end of his nose brushed against her ears.

Her fragrance was like an orchard of his favorite exotic flowers put together just for him. She was exotic. She was his. Wasn't she?

She clutched his tee for support with her tiny hands gripping tight as he continued to graze her cheeks with his stubbled jawline that made her gasp for breath and he smiled under his breath, knowing his effect on her.

Her lips were closer than ever before, making him burn with need.

With one hand gripping his tee, she started to caress his nape with the other and if his groan was any indication, she was well aware of his plight. It was now her turn to tease him.

She needed him as much as needed her. He had to know that she was his equal in this.

"Ondra Renda Aasaigal... Ellam Sollave Oru Nal podhuma...", she whispered into his ears.

"Ma...", he started and before he could finish, her soft lips were on his.

***

"Enga porom?", she questioned while he started to drive after they got back to discussing his last picture.

(Where are we going?)

It was a selfie of him holding the key of their home that he had gotten customized to the exact description of her dream home which she saw for the first time only less than 12 hours ago.

It was the same background as the other pictures and when she insisted to know the meaning behind it, he had rushed her into his car.

"Specialaana edathuku", he replied with a smile, rubbing his lower lip with his fingers.

(To a special place)

A deep blush found its way to her face when the images of her lips on his suffused her mind.

It wasn't gentle but it wasn't rushed or rough either. It was intense, passionate and deep. Just like him. Just like them.

It took every ounce of restrain in him to stop his eyes from devouring the blush she was trying so hard to hide and focus on driving safe but she wasn't making it any easier for him.

Out of the blue, he pulled over to the side of a deserted road, making her jolt.

"Vandhacha?", she looked around innocently.

(Have we reached?)

"Ennala drive la concentrate panna mudila", he confessed.

(I can't concentrate on driving)

"En?", she was now trying to make him say it aloud.

(Why?)

"Can't stop thinking about...", he paused and placed his thumb on her lips.

"About?", she raised her brows in question.

"Onum illa", he said, and just when he was about to pull out his fingers, she took his finger and placed a subtle kiss.

(Nothing)

He was trying to process what was happening when she placed her finger on his lips and whined, "Na matum dan kudukanumaa?", with an adorable pout.

(Should it always be me?)

"Veral la kuduka na enna kozhandhaya?", he teased with a wink.

(Am I a baby to kiss your finger?)

"Ketta Paiya.. Dirty Mind..", she complained and hit his shoulder.

(Bad boy... Dirty Mind...)

Without a word he pulled her closer and placed a kiss on her forehead.

"Ippo yaaru ma dirty mind?", he smirked and started to drive towards the secret location.

(Who is the dirty mind now?)

***

"Inga edhuku Vandhurkom?", she asked confused when he stopped at their meet-up spot all those years ago.

(Why are we here?)

When he was picking her up or dropping her off, he always parked his car at the same location that they were today and walked to her home. Initially, it was to keep their meet-ups private but then it also became their thing. Walking with each other, even if it was only for a short distance, made them feel that happy for some reason.

As weird as it may sound, she liked to walk with him than go on drives. There was something so intimate about growing from accidentally holding hands to intentionally holding on.

"Anga paaru", he pointed towards something.

(Look there)

Sun had not risen yet. It was still mostly dark. But she recognized what he was showing and it hit her.

"Ashwin", she called out meekly and he turned to meet her gaze.

"Andha window...", he began to explain but she closed his lips with her hands and nodded a subtle no.

(That window)

He removed her soft hands and held them in his.

"Iniku na solnum Sivaangi. I have to", he said with sincerity and he was right.

(Today I have to Sivaangi)

If they had to move forward, she had to know the things that he had carried in his heart all these years. She needed to know.

"Indha edam... ennoda elaa emotions um paathurku. Sandosham, thanimai, sogam, varutham, azhuga, kovam... elame.

Ingendhu paakra apo andha window la un shadow theriyum... theriyara varaikum wait pannuven. Unkita share pananum nu thondra elame pesuven. And na sonna loosu nu nenapaanga... aana inga vandhu yosicha... elathukume oru solution um kedaikum.

Ennoda ella success kum enna vida... en mela nee vecha nambikka dan kaaranam. Nee koodave illanaalum... un nizhal en kooda epovume irundhurku", his grip on her tiny hands tightened.

(This place has seen all my emotions. Be it happy, sad, lonely, anger, disappointment. Every emotion. 

When I look from here, I will see your shadow. I will wait until I do. I will speak my heart out. I will share everything that I want to. People might even think that I am crazy, but I do get solutions to all my problems after I open up here. 

The reason for my success is your trust in me more than anything else. Even when you were not with me, your shadow was)

She was speechless. 

He was professing his love for her. He was telling her that he carried her in his heart just like she held him in hers. He was living with her just like she was living with him, albeit without physically being with each other. 

Why did he leave if he never wanted to? Why did that feel like it happened without a hint of apprehension when he needed her in his life so much?

There were no answers to these. But one thing was certain. He loved her. He always had and always will. Just like how she has always loved him.

"Every single year May 25th 12 AM aagum bodhu oru secret celebration with your shadow and myself. And oru year kooda un shadow varaama irundhadhu illa theriyumaa?", he smiled at how God was working all his inscrutable ways to make it happen every year.

(Every year May 25th at 12 AM I will have a secret celebration, just for your shadow and me. And every year your shadow did show up without fail)

"En Ashwin? Edhuku? Enna vitutu ponum nu dhaaney poneenga? Apram en idhulam?", her questions echoed in her mind making her choke.

(Why Ashwin? Why? You wanted to leave me right? Why did you do all this?)

"Epo enga travel pananum naalum indha vazhiya dan poven... Edo unna kooda kootitu pora madri oru feeling. Engendhu vandhaalum inga nikkama veetuku poga maten..... This place has been my solace. Nee adikadi solluvala 'Home' is a feeling nu... indha place dan en home ah irundhuchu... unna thirumbha meet panra varaikum", his eyes glistened up as he said those words out aloud for her to hear and pulled her closer.

(Wherever I go, I will go through this place just to fell like I am picking you up and I will never go home without stopping here. This place has been my solace. You used to say that home is a feeling and I found that in this place, until I found you again)

"Sila neram nee enna rombha miss panra nu thonum... apolam inga epdiyaachu vandhurven. As soon as possible. Nee ena koopta odi vara dhoorathla na irukanum nu nenachurken... Evlo nal andha phone adichuraadha.. oru message aachu vandhuraadha nu engirken nu kanakku illa ma... ", he could not stop the lone tear that found its way to roll down his cheeks.

(There are times when I have felt that you might be missing me and I will try to be here as soon as possible. I wanted to be able to come running to you if you ever called me. I have lost count of the number of days I have yearned for that one call or message from you)

She quickly wiped off his tear and leaned against his chest.

"Epodume Nee happy ah irukanum nu dan ma nenachurken. Adhu en kooda ilaanalum paravalla... nee happy ah irukanum avlo dan. Avlo negativity, hatred, sult shaming... elam ennala dhaaney? Nee evlo azhudhurka nu naa paathurken.. 21 years la adhulam nee en face pananum... adhuvum ennala? Enaku en melaye neraya kovam vandhuchu..."

(I always wanted you to be happy, even if that wasn't with me, I wanted you to be happy. That was it. All of the negativity, hatred and slut-shaming was all because of me right? I have seen how much you went through for no reason and as a 21-year-old you should not have had to face that kind of hatred. I hated myself for that you went through)

"Na un life la ilana... konja nal kashta pataalum... in the long run you will find a way to be happy without me nu nenachu dan... aniku unkita...", he could not find the strength in him to repeat those words.

(Even if you were hurt and sad for a while, I believed that in the long run, you will find a way to be happy without me. Thats why)

"I knew I was writing off any prospect of being happy and I was ok with that", he said and cupped her face to look into those aching orbs that screamed her love for him

"Idhey kanla aniku andha kadaila... 3 years ku apram unna modha thadava avlo pakathla pakra apo... I saw vacuousness.... sethuten Sivaangi ", he chocked unable to relive the agony of that moment.

(But in the eyes that I wanted to see nothing but happiness, I saw just vacuousness when I met you for the first time at such close quarters after 3 years. I was dead at that instant)

"Endha kanla sirippum sandhoshamum matum dan irukanum nu nenacheno... andha kanla not even a hint of it"

(The eyes that I wanted to see nothing but happiness in did not even have a hint of it)

"Un smile ilaama ... unoda andha trademark dimple ilaama"

(Without your smile and dimple)

"I wish... I could go back and change everything.... Aana...", the next couple of words were stolen by her lips that were gently moving on his.

(I wish I could go back and change everything. But,)

He could taste her tears that found their way to her lips.

She slowly pulled apart and cupped his face inside her tiny hands.

"Neenga therinju panla", she defended.

(You did not do it intentionally)

"Unaku en mela kovame illaya?", he asked.

(Are you not angry on me)

"Enaku unga mela kovam illa... epovume irundhadhu illa", she assured with a smile.

(I am not angry with you. I have never been angry with you)

"Purila", he could genuinely not wrap his head around what she just said.

(I don't understand)

How could she not be angry? Ever?

"Neenga edhayume yosikaama seiya mateenga nu enaku theriyum. Idhuku pinnaadi oru strong reason irukum nu puriyaadha alavuku na kozhandha illa. Aana En nu kooda solaama ponadhula dan odanjuten...", she looked away unable to meet his eyes and say anything more.

(I know you well enough to understand that you had a strong reason for what you did. The fact that you left without telling me why is what left me shattered)

"Sivaangi enna paathu pesu", he pleaded.

(Sivaangi Please look at me)

"Yosichu... thedi... azhudhu... I went through it all. Enoda elaame neenga dan nu nenachen... orey nal la kanavu madri maranju pochu...", she said with an apologetic smile that pierced a knife through his heart.

(I have gone to great depths to figure out why. I was at a point where you were my everything and all of a sudden you vanished into thin air. I could not help but wonder if it all was just a dream)

It was a blunder and he was solely responsible for it. But there was only one way to go from where they stood and that was forward.

"Unna oru thadava tholachuten... Innoru thadava andha thappa kandippa panna maten. Enna nambu", he promised.

(I lost you once. I won't repeat the same mistake again. Please trust me on that)

"Tholaikaama irundha matum podhaadhu", she teased.

(Not losing me won't cut it)

"Ohhhh", they said in unison and laughed together after what felt like eternity.

***

"Last picture", she mouthed and pulled out a picture of a sunrise, sitting in the back seat of his car.

"Most beautiful moment of my life", he pulled her into his chest to close the gap between them.

"Epdi plan paneenga? Na konjam kooda expect panla. Night wish panra apo kooda shoot iruku nu lam soltu sudden ah vandhu ninna apo... ", she paused to look at his grinning face.

(How did you plan it? I was not expecting it at all. Even when you wished me at midnight you had mne convinced that you were busy with shoot the whole day)

To see him happy instantly made her happy.

"Unakaaga edachu special ah pananum nu thonichu... Rombha yosichu... Neraya kashta pattu permission vangnen unga veetla unna thaniya kootitu poga"

(I wanted to do something special. I thought a lot and finalized it. It was such a pain to get permission from your parents to take you out alone)

To watch the sunrise on her birthday by the beach all alone was hands down the best memory they had ever made during those 10 months.

From baking a cake with a cute little picnic set up in the perfect place to keeping up the secret, he went all out to make the day special for her.

"Tripod set panni... sunrise ah full video eduthom...", she exclaimed reminiscing the beautiful hues coming to life in front of their eyes.

(We recorded the full sunrise)

"Thookathla thookitu ponen unna car ku", he complained

(I carried you into the car as you were busy sleeping)

"Worst part enaku adhu nyabagame illa...", she pouted

(Worst part is that I don't remember you carrying me at all)

"Epdi nyabagam irukum? Nee dhan busy ah thoongitu irundhiye.. Edho un thambi aniku help pannadhunaala Amma Appa ta maatla", he said dryly.

(How will you? You were busy sleeping. If not for your brother, I would have been dead that day)

"Adhu nadandhuchu nu inum na nambala... neenga summa solreenga nu nenaikren", she furrowed her brows in disbelief.

(I dont believe that it actually happened. I think you are making it up)

He quickly pulled out his hidden album and showed her a picture of him carrying her bridal style.

Her eyes widened in utter shock.

"Vinayak eduthan ah?", she questioned and closed her embarrassed face with her tiny hands.

(Did Vinayak take this picture?)

"We are PS buddies theriyum la", he said with pride earning a smack from her.

(You know that we are PS buddies right?)

"Iduku onum korachal illa... Inuma veladreenga?", she glared at him.

(Do you still play?)

"Moraikaadha maa.... Rare ah dan time kedaikudhu", he reasoned and she burst into laughter looking at his expression.

(Dont glare at me. Its very rare that I get to play these days)

"Ipdi sirichute iru ma.. ", he said with a content smile.

(Keep smiling like this)

"Neenga sirika vechute irunga... na sirichute irupen", she assured.  

(Give me reasons to smile and I will keep smiling)

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Thoughts?

Really nervous about this 😩