Summary:

Michael and Gavin are driving to New Jersey and Gavin falls asleep, leaving Michael to think about him, their relationship and whatever thoughts that cloud his mind.
(P.S. This is kinda song fic. The song that I based this off of is Tear In My Heart by Twenty One Pilots.

It was amazing how exhausting driving could get. Or how boring it could get when you drove on highway after highway.
I was kinda regretting driving to New Jersey instead of flying but I had been late to get plane tickets so driving was the only alternative I had left. Not that I was complaining at the time. Planes still scared the shit out of me.
Gavin had been excited, saying he enjoyed car rides, especially long ones. I had to laugh at him for that, especially since he wasn't the one driving the entire way. I would often joke about being upset that I had to spend two days in a car with him and only him, but I was actually quite happy.
I mean, he was my boyfriend after all.
Now that he was passed out in the seat next to mine, I couldn't help but have mixed feelings about it. I was glad he had finally tired himself out with his constant accented talk, just so I could get a moment to myself. But now I had to be alone with my constant string of thoughts that never seemed to end.
Occasionally I would snatch a glance at him, smiling at his dorkiness. His head laid heavily on his pillow, telling me he was really knocked out. His mouth gapped open and the slightest bit of drool started to leak out. His constant string of snores filled the car with one of my favorite and most hated noises. His headphones started to fall off his head and I could just barely hear the music he had fallen asleep to.
It was honestly one of my most favorite sights.
I breathed out a heavy sigh as I blinked my eyes roughly and increased my speed. Gavin groaned in his sleep and snuggled deeper into his pillow. I smiled at him and reached over and squeezed his hand, feeling the slightest squeeze back before it went limp again.
I continued to hold his hand, not wanting to let it go. I know it sounded stupid, especially since he wasn't going anywhere, but I had issues with separation. Even letting go of his hand made me anxious, thinking I'd never get to hold it again.
Gavin would often tell me I was silly to think that say. That he wasn't going anywhere and I would always be able to consult in him whenever I needed. But, despite his efforts to calm me down, it just made me more anxious to think that he had the freedom to go whenever he pleased.
Sometimes I would lie awake at night, wishing I could take that freedom from him. But I quickly dismissed it, realizing how horribly obscene that was. Gavin wasn't my slave, and he never would be.
But it wasn't like I was the only one who had problems. I mean, yeah, I had a lot, but Gavin had even more than me. And it wasn't like he could help it either.
As a teenager, Gavin had been diagnosed with depression and it only got worse when he aged. He was mostly better now, but he still had those days when he found it difficult to get out of bed and live his life. Of course, I would then step in and take care of him. His mother had told me what to do during those days and, although I wasn't his mother, I still thought I was getting better with making him feel better.
I remembered the day I had found out. It was on a day Gavin wasn't feeling psychologically right. He had literally stared at the wall all day, not saying a word, not bothering to get up for anything, and dismissing every human contact with a turn of his head. It was truly a sad and terrifying sight to see from him. From someone who was always bubbly and happy, filled with joy and creativity. It was like someone had just flicked a switch and all his positive energy turned to negative energy.
When I had finally gotten him to talk, he had said in a monotoned and dismissive voice that he had depression, something he had been trying to get over for the past ten years. He had told me a very dark and depressing story about how his thoughts were rendered to think positively all the time, but when he had exhausted those positive thoughts, the negative, depressing one came crashing down on him and it became too much for him, most times. That was when he started cutting, burning and refusing food.
It was horrible watching him explain his depression. He had showed me all the scars he had received over the years, even saying that sometimes he cut just to watch himself bleed, to see if he was still alive and had a soul. I couldn't help but silently relate to his pain. I didn't have depression, but I remembered starving myself for months on end because of some things people said about me.
Of course, that led to one of my other issues. Anorexia wasn't fun at all. Constantly having that little voice in your head saying you were fat and needed to lose weight fast. Gavin couldn't wrap his head around the fact that I literally had a voice telling me to lose weight, and that I could sometimes still hear it in my darkest moments. But, I didn't expect him to understand. I didn't want him to understand.
I shook my head to clear my depressing thoughts. Whenever I was driving and I had to keep quiet, my thoughts would often cloud my mind and bring me to places I never wanted to go to again.
I looked over at Gavin again, seeing he had shifted a bit since I last looked at him. He truly was the tear in my heart. The one person who somehow found a way into my heart.
The thing was, he was the only person who had made me feel like this. Feel so in love and positive. Without him in my life, I'd probably be miserable and lonely. I wasn't scared to admit that I loved him to death. I wasn't scared to say that he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I wasn't scared to feel the emotion that I had associated with insecurity and pain.
Because he knew all that and he hadn't used it against me.
He was truly the tear in my heart.
And I loved him for it.
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I don't really know what this is. I was listening to Tear In My Heart by Twenty One Pilots (I listen to them A LOT) and this kinda just happened. I don't know... I guess you guys can be the judge of whether it's good or not. My mind was all over the place.
Thanks for reading!