(sad fic meep)

You rest outside of the castle, the forest around you being your home. You watch through the windows. You watch everything you can. 

You are so scared of what Maven can do, so scared of what he'll do to you.

But it feels lonely out here, all by yourself with only the Scarlet Guard to back you up.

You wish to be in Maven's arms again, to pretend like everything is fine. But the way you stormed out, your weapon of hands wrapped around his wrists as you nearly tried to kill him. You know he'll never forgive you. Not your nymph hands. Never. 

Was this how the future was supposed to be?

It all became so lovely

You remember singing with Maven as a child, running around the castle as you hide with him inside of the halls. Everything was innocent then. You loved his mother, and she loved you. You and Maven were practically built for each other. He got excited every time you came into the castle to play, and you were happy whenever you were with him.

Those bluest skies above me

You played with Maven, even when you were a teenager. All of your friends thought you were weird for hanging out with the youngest Calore brother. Nothing of success will occur, they bargained. You did not listen. You loved Maven. You loved his hair, you loved his eyes, you loved everything about the way he looked and felt. He was everything you wanted to be, everything you could never be. He was everything to you.

Those funny feelings I had never felt before I met you

Whenever you hear Maven's name you imagine his smiling face, the way his dimples showed only to you. You remember loving his smiling, thinking of it as Heaven. It was something new, something unbelievably pleasurable. It made your chest and stomach tingle in anticipation. When will you make him smile again? When will you hear his laugh, if ever again in your life? Will he be gone tomorrow, falling for somebody else? One day, will he not be yours?

But every day when Maven kissed you goodnight, you pushed those thoughts away. Everything was happy. Everything was completely fine with you and Maven. You were the one that messed it up.

I thought I'd stay a while

Now, you linger outside of the castle's walls. Every day you wait for Maven to come outside and pull you back into his grasp. But he doesn't. You don't even know if he knows you're out there. You contemplate your next moves every day of your life. Do you attack? Do you kill him, like you once desired? Or do you stay here every day of your life, wishing that for once Maven will remember you?

I tried to learn to smile

Even when Mareena was in your place, you still continued to stay by Maven's side. But every day he changed. He changed and changed and changed. He grew more morbid, losing his peaceful mind. At first, you blamed Mareena. She was tainting him. All he needed was your touch. 

You wished you knew better.

Sure, Elara loved you like a daughter. You loved Elara more than your own family. Your family was happy to sell you like a product, to treat you like their trophy. Elara was the one that gave you life, showing you the true meaning of relaxation and love. You loved her more than you loved Maven. She didn't like that. She wanted you to be the queen, so she made you a queen. She made you just like she made Maven. No more jealousy, no more love for anybody else. Anybody except Maven.

But you smile at Mare, seeing her as the most powerful Newblood in her own mind. No more jealousy. No more love for anybody else. You thought you'd hate her, or love her like a sister. You two both shared a similar fate. But you feel nothing. You are indifferent towards the little lightning girl.

So many colors I had never even known

As you lie alone at night, you can only dream of Maven's warm hands around yours. You replay moments in your head, moments where everything was happy.

"I love him." You whisper to Mare, standing by her side once more. Her eyes go distant, almost dreading your presence. "But I'll kill him nonetheless." 

She only nods, sending a glance Cal's way before heading off. You followed her gaze, looking at him. He was looking at the floor.

You put your hand on his shoulder, "we love him," you console. You look into his eyes, seeing him as the little boy you recognize. You lazily smile, closing your eyes and taking in a breathe. "If only you could see the monster he became."

Maybe I'll find myself sitting on that distant shore

Whenever you sit in Piedmont, looking out to the trees, you swear you can see the future. You feel lost being so far from Maven. But this is the way it should be. Why? Why does it feel so bad? Why does it make it worse?

You hate the silence, the lack of Silvers. You hate everything about Piedmont. You hate everything about the situation you're mine. But you know the future is the only thing you need to look at. 

You stare at the trees more often than you should.

Maybe I'm not alone

"We can fix him," Cal sits next to you, resting his elbows on his knees. You both stare at the scenic arena, almost thinking the same thing.

"No." You speak out. Cal bows his head in shame, his brown hair falling into his face. He hasn't cut his hair in a long time, you can tell. You've never seen his hair so long. "I'm sorry," he replies. He smiles an empty smile before turning to you, looking into your eyes.

Then I see the colors fading

You can hear Mare and Cal's voice swarming in your head. It doesn't feel real, even as they continue to talk over each other. Farley is there, but she doesn't dare pass you.

"I understand!" You scream out, your hands shaking as they grab your head. You breathe, quickly at first. Nobody touches you as you slow your breath. "I... understand. I truly do. You want me to be there but-" you look up at Cal, seeing no resemblance to Maven "-Cal." 

"We need you there," he reckons. Your fingers dance against your skull, the red colors of Mare's outfit and Cal's hair all fade. The world becomes black and white as you sink to your feet. Your love for Maven pounds your ears, almost making you go deaf. You love him more than the world, a feeling you wish you didn't have. Is it even real? Did you ever truly love him? What is the truth?

Gentleness of light escaping

You look up at the sky, trying to find anything to look at except Maven. He sits with Iris by his side. He looks at you, ready for your nymph eyes to compare to Iris's. But you don't give him what he wants. You sit away from him, not wanting to give in to his pale form.

He keeps his eyes on you as he speaks to everybody. He often directions his words at you, but you don't respond. 

You can't help but feel bad for him. It's a feeling in your head you want to get away. You want to rip it out. You want to die.

"Is that true, Maven? Or is that how your mother built you?" Davidson peaks, looking at Maven. The Newblood doesn't see how badly you tensed up, squaring your shoulders and rolling your jaw. Maven squints his eyes, grinning as he looks at you.

"Watch your tongue, premier, that's a sensitive topic for my (Y/N)." 

Mare knots her eyebrows, glancing at you in the corner of your eye. She can see how badly your hands are shaking, even when you tuck them into your lap.

You look at Maven, giving him the eye contact he wanted, "she did that to me because she wanted me to be perfect, she did that to you because you were just her little toy." 

He gives a weak eye roll, trying to hide his surprise. Your eyes have changed since he last saw them. They have shrunken, almost swollen. You look dead in his eyes. 

"Don't be jealous she loved me more than she loved you." He snaps, the muscles in his cheeks twitching. You blink rapidly, trying to control your breathing. Evangeline looks at you, trying not to smirk to herself.

"This dispute is great, but it's not the topic at hand." She introduces, releasing you from Maven's contact. You sigh, almost collapsing into your chair. 

Shadows of my fear invading,

When the meeting was over, you waited and waited for Maven to turn around and look at you. He never did. So you stopped caring - or, well, you tried. 

Julian put his hands on yours, almost soothing your pain. You wish you never found out why. 

You wanted to kill Iris. But you know you stand no chance. You wanted to feel her skull between your palms. But you know you are not strong enough. You wanted so many bad things to happen to her, but you know her time will come.

She sent Maven on his way, destroying him in the process. He kept his eyes on the floor and you wished he would look at you instead.

Instead of love, instead of guilt, you almost felt angry. You felt enraged to look down at Maven as he knelt before you.

"Are you happy," he asked. He looked into your eyes, almost wanting to rip you to shreds before seeing your face. One side of your face was shocked, surprised by the events. The other half looked like pure murder as you stare down at him. 

You bend down, almost being stopped by Cal before he saw what you did. 

Maven was on your knees, but you were squatting. It was almost showing the differences in status. 

You place your hands on his cheeks, feeling his tears between your thumbs. 

have I seen this all before?

And suddenly, his tears are as hot as the fire in his head as you press them into his pours. He grunts, trying to turn away. You use the moisture in the air to quickly pounce in Maven's face, making him feel confined and trapped by your hands.

"She loved me more than she loved her pet," you spit, making Maven look into your eyes. Julian ghosts behind your shoulder, looking down at his nephew. 

As you look at Maven, face pure silver and hot, you almost get a sense of deja vu. You remember seeing his face before, when you almost killed him; when everything was happy.

Maven gets the sense, too. Instead of backing away like you did, he smiled.

"This is familiar, isn't it?" 

Julian senses your discomfort. 

"Silence, Maven." He sings before looking at you, face filled with worry. You brush him off. You try to brush everything off. 

I know that there's something residing

You sit alone in your room in Piedmont, knowing Maven is only a dungeon away. He is probably breathing, thinking about you. You hope. Because you're thinking about him. 

Even when Cal suggested to you some time alone with his brother, you denied. You didn't want to see him. Not after that monster spoke to you so vainly. 

"I love him," you whisper to yourself, looking up to the night sky. Far, far away, Jon smiles to himself. He almost cackles. He almost dies of laughter. 

A terror deep inside me

Mare comes to you before anybody else, "he's taking us to the tunnels," you look at Tyton, not her. Maven smiles at you, almost knowing what danger he's in. He has a plan. You know Maven. But you also know the Scarlet Guard. He has no valuable plan, not know. 

You can feel your heart drop out of your chest. You can tell why you weren't offered to go with. They don't trust you. You have admitted many times that you love him, and now that they know Elara enforced that, they don't think you'd hesitate to side with him. And you understand. You almost agree with them.

So, instead of trying to convince them to let you come, you just hug Maven. It's almost like a final goodbye. He is cold. He has never been cold. He is so stiff under your touch.

You put your lips to his ear, whispering so lightly; "don't get yourself killed." He doesn't pull away from you, surprisingly. So you melt against his body, holding him tightly even with no grip. "I love you," you breathe against his neck. Tyton groans, hearing your words even when Mare couldn't.

And then you pull away, rolling your eyes at Maven. But he knows you were telling the truth, even when you tried to hide it. It makes his heart shutter. 

I couldn't understand how you could be so bold

You watch them walk away, heading into the aircraft. You stand just by the start of the forest, watching from afar. Even with distance, he manages to find you. Maven winks at you once more, making you anxious. Jon stands behind you, and you pretend to miss his company. 

"Don't tell me what happens. I already know." You say to him, watching as the aircraft takes off. You pray silently, and Jon leaves you be - only for a second.

"Because you've already prepared yourself." He suggests, leaning against a thick tree. You lick your lips, almost relaxing at the craft travels away from your sight.

"Do I love him?" 

"I think you know the answer."

You laugh, looking at the floor. 

"Do I hate him?"

"We'll see." He comments quickly, turning his thin face towards the horizon. He seems to enjoy watching the sunset. It's the end of a day, one step closer to the future. 

"What do you mean - 'we'll see'?" You turn to him, knotting your eyebrows. He tilts his head. You scoff, "it's supposed to be 'you'll see'. You should already see it."

"Elara has made your futures often unpredictable." 

You stay silent, chewing on your gums. You stare into his red eyes, even when he isn't looking at you.

"You're lying."

He smiles.

"I am."

"I hate you."

"More than you hate him?" Jon adds quickly, almost too quickly. He plays with your nerves, testing you greatly. But you remain calm, looking at the sky. No aircraft. No signs Maven was even here. It almost fills you with dread.

"Is he happy?" You ask, closing your eyes. You don't want to see Jon's face when he answers. You don't want to see sad eyes or a wicked smile. You don't want to see anything. But as you close your eyes, all you can see if Maven's dead body.

"He's happy you told him you love him," Jon explains. You look at him, watching as his eyes glaze over. He almost hesitates, as if analyzing the future. "It makes the slightest of difference. He passes with guilt."

You inhale sharply, crossing your arms. You understood a lot of things in your life. But you can't even begin to understand why it felt so satisfying to hear that. You are surprised that he still cares. You are surprised he even cared in the first place.

"Is it Mare?" You ask, your voice way too emotionless for his liking. He tilts his head again. He contemplates whether to tell you or not. 

Jon stands tall, turning his head to the forest.

"I have to take my leave. The storm is coming." He begins to walk off without a goodbye. But he pauses, looking back at your hair as it flies with the wind. His eyes glaze over, almost repeating the future once again just to make sure it's real. He almost feels guilty. Almost.

"I'm sorry." Are his last words before he heads off. You wanted his voice to be sympathetic. But it's not. His voice is as monotone as it could get. 

Maybe I'll find myself smiling on that distant shore

And as Mare flew back, her aircraft landing surely, you stiffen your shoulders. You watch from the frontlines as people unload. Farley, Evangeline, Elane, Ptolemus, Cal, Tyton, Mare. No sign of Maven. 

Your lip begins to quiver, but you keep your tough frame. Cal gives you sympathetic eyes, almost feeling your pain. 

Mare is the one to approach you, looking you in the eyes. You sigh, 

"It was you?" It was more of a question than you wanted it to be. Her shoulders drop as she stares up at you. 

"I'm sorry." All you can think about is Jon as he walked away from you. All you can think about is Cal, being apologetic for his brother's insane behavior. All you can think about is Mare, apologizing for killing the only person you were capable of loving. 

The only person. 

The only people you could physically love are all gone. 

And now, all you have is Mare - somebody you emptily admire. 

All you have is Cal - somebody who can feel your pain and it's extreme consequences.

Maybe I'm not alone