They were supposed to go home for spring break, pack it up and spend some time with the family before being sent right back to the castle-like building. Jaemin was supposed to see his brother and bond with his family all while keeping his secret life on the downlow but plans changed and the river froze over in most areas. Letters had been sent out over the crisis.

But it had snowed unexpectedly and they were left to stay at school. Stuck inside like caged rats which wasn't too bad because Jaemin loved hanging out in the kitchen which meant he could chef it up whenever he wanted─ as long as one of the people with higher authority didn’t pop up for some reason.

"What’re you making?" Renjun asked one cool, extra late evening, peeking over Jaemin's shoulder where he was whipping up something in a bowl.

They had been dating for roughly three months by then, still taking things a bit slowly since Jaemin was getting used to the idea of having two entire boyfriends but either way, he adored and loved them dearly. Jeno and Renjun cared for him and paid extremely close attention to his reactions, likes, dislikes, and thoughts towards things but even then, sometimes they didn’t catch onto his internal battles.

"Cookies. Wanna help?"

"The little shit can't even climb his bed without suffering. You think he can cook?" Donghyuck asked, looking at his friend with a disgusted expression.

Five of them were in the kitchen well past midnight, the cousins playing a very quiet card game with Mark scrolling through his phone, legs on Donghyuck's lap as Renjun watched Jaemin bake. Baking was a form of art itself.

"Shut the hell up, Dongfuck."

Jaemin patted his cheek reassuringly, motioning for him to get closer. Upon doing so, he quickly explained how to make the frosting before setting off to bake the cookies.

It was peaceful, quiet, the perfect time to get lost in your own reveries. It was nearing two in the morning and yet the five remained until all the cookies were baked. While the desserts were cooling, Jaemin recruited them to help him clean, threatening to eat the sweets alone if they didn't help before gathering them with frosting. Another round of dishes and then they were allowed to get their hands on the food.

It was funny because if it was Donghyuck that had baked, no one would have had any manners and if it was Renjun or the other two, they would have made them clean alone but it was Jaemin and that was different.

They had enough respect for him and didn't dare try and sabotage him.

Whether it was because they feared he'd go back to hating them, because he took care of them with the instincts of a Mother, or because he just had a heart of gold, they respected and listened to him.

"Jen, you have icing on your lip," Jaemin pointed out, tapping on his own lip to indicate where it was on his boyfriend's face.

"Wanna get it off for me?" Jeno asked, a suggestive look on his face as he leaned closer to him.

"No problem, keep still."

Everyone held their breath, surprised that Jaemin of all people would be willing to take off icing in that way. They should've known though that he didn't know the meaning of a suggestive look the moment he agreed because seconds later, he used a napkin to gently dab away the sweetness.

"Nana, babe, that isn't what he meant," Renjun laughed, swiping his finger over his cookie to gather icing.

"What? But he asked me to get it off."

"Yes, he did, but this is how he hoped you would do it," Renjun explained, lathering the icing from his finger across Jeno's lip before tip toeing to press their mouths together.

They made a show of it, tongues flicking to lick off the frosting, colourful sweetness passing from each other's lips as they smiled against each other, only pulling away so they wouldn't get carried away, Jeno chasing after him to steal one more kiss.

Jaemin didn't know what to say. He didn't feel any form of jealousy from watching his lovers kiss but he did feel jealousy within to know that he didn't have enough confidence or bravery to do what Renjun just did. That was the main reason he hadn't even tried kissing any of them.

"Oh," Jaemin mumbled, awkwardly trying to figure out what would've happened if he had done just that.

He was filled with the sudden urge to practice kissing them but he didnt know how to ask or if he'd be laughed at for asking. His insides felt a bit queasy and his mind suddenly raced with unpleasant thoughts.

Was him kissing boys okay?

He swore he had gotten over his mild case of homophobia and hate. He really thought that he wouldn't have any problems based on that anymore but either his internal repulsion never went away or, he had jumped into a relationship much too quickly after assumed self acceptance.

But the real problem really didn't seem to be homophobia. It was more confusing feelings and distress that made itself present in the form of a phobia over the fact that he couldn't do what Jeno and Renjun had just done.

It wasn't, 'was him kissing boys okay?' but instead, 'was him not knowing how to kiss a boy okay?'

It was a series of confusing emotions and the only serious difference between those two statements was the negative of the 'not.'

The very 'not' he had heard growing up that he had used to grow on the 'right' path, was now taken and used on the other side of the path. The path that his Mother would’ve never accepted it to be used on.

'You must not kiss boys,' was taken and changed into, 'I do not know how to kiss boys.' 'You must not like boys,' to 'I do not like girls,' and 'You should not date anyone who isn't Christian,' to 'I do not want to date a Christian if this is the joy I feel dating the 'devils children' I was warned about all my life.' One instruction he had been given on one of those particular days though, stood out the most. Possibly so much that that was the reason why Jaemin assumed he hated Renjun and took longer to warm up to him than he did Jeno. All because his Mother had implemented in him that Satanists were pure evil. 'You must not, no matter what, never date a Satanist.' That one statement had been engraved in him and although he had promised he would honour his Mother's words, her words flew out the window the moment he realized that Renjun was an actual angel.

Human sacrificing Satanist? Of course, there was, without a doubt, Satanists that sacrificed humans or baby goats or whatever that hell it was that they believed but just like many religions, there were two types and Jaemin came to notice that when realizing that Renjun was nowhere near the type of Satanist his Mother had so passionately described with so much disgust and hate he had saved it as a permanent memory. Satanists performing rituals, committing crimes, destroying everything for fun was what he had expected but to his absolute chagrin after doing some research himself, he came to realize he was wrong all those years.

Eleven Satanic Rules of Earth? Possibly the only set of rules that should have been seriously followed throughout his life. They had been listed in a text book, sitting there and staring at him to be begged to be read. He had been hesitant to read, scared that his Mother was right and that Satanists were indeed evil but the moment he read them, he realized that they were much farther from what the stereotypical believers thought they'd follow.

Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.

When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there.

If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.

Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.

Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

Do not harm little children.

Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.

The rules given were basic human cordiality. Things that should've been obvious even though they were literally Satanic rules.

His Mother never said anything about dating a Wiccan, which was probably the reason why he never snarked at Jeno as much but it fell within the same category although slightly different. Wiccan's too had their own set of rules. The Witch's Ten Commandments which Jaemin thought most were also quite nice to follow.

Thou art God/dess.

As above, so below; as within, so without.

Spirit abides in all things; words and names have power.

Maintain an attitude of gratitude─ walk the talk.

Honor the ancestors, teachers, elders, and leaders.

All life is sacred.

All acts of love and pleasure are sacred.

Whatever you send out returns threefold.

Love is law, love under will.

For the greatest good, and it harm none.

He had been closed minded for years and after weeks, he could bring himself to say that he could willingly accept his two boyfriends. But that didn’t mean it was easy. Unlearning eighteen years within just shy of four months was a feat. He had come to terms with changing by two months and it took another two to fully shift and bag off two boyfriends. It wasn’t easy but it made complete sense why they weren’t given Christmas break. 

Because within the two or three weeks they’d be away, all their unlearning could be learned even faster than before. It’d ruin their progress and set them right back to where they weren't supposed to be. Spring break, which they couldn’t have for obvious reasons, was more acceptable because by then they would have already gotten more or less right where they wanted themselves to be in terms of acceptance.

But possibly the biggest blow to the 'not' system was the, 'you will not commit any acts of abomination while you live in this house,' to 'I can not go much longer without wanting to make an abomination of myself while living in that house.'

Jaemin's brain was going into overdrive over something as small as a kiss he wasn't confident to do.

If he thought of it, it wasn't the series of 'not' that was holding him back but more of a 'Can I?' 'Not' was negative and he wasn't going to bring negativity into their life which meant he'd be using 'Can I?'

Can I? Two simple but powerful words that changed a situation drastically.

"Don't worry, babe. You don't have to do any of that," Jeno reassured, gently grabbing Jaemin's face and placing a kiss on his forehead.

He appreciated that. He loved that small amount of comfort he felt in him but even that wasn't enough to calm the whirlpool of feelings within.

"Can I-'' Jaemin trailed off, staring into Jeno's eyes as he thought. Can I what? Can I kiss you? Can I stay here staring at you forever? Can us and Junnie run away together and live off of Kunhang's card? Can I be your apprentice and you teach me the ways of intimate affection? There were so many options and yet, the one he chose was so different from his original trail of thought. "Can I go to bed?"

Jeno smiled softly, placing a small kiss on his cheek.

"Of course. Should I walk you?"

Jaemin shook his head, bidding his other boyfriend good night as he walked away.

"I’m sure he thought you two were nasty as fuck," Donghyuck snarked, the last thing Jaemin heard before completely being submerged and welcomed into the comforting darkness.

The darkness that welcomed him wholeheartedly with all his flaws and worries and wouldn't force him to show the world his pain but instead lovingly wrap him in its cold yet tender warms and protect him until he was ready.

His two lovers watched his figure disappear, his two lovers who never forced him to do anything he didn't want, never laughed at him for getting shy at things he didn't know, and had so much patience when it came to him trying to understand their beliefs.

Yet, he personally felt like they secretly held his lack of intimate affection against him.

For the first time in his life, consumed by the shadows of distress, he uttered the only word that could describe what he thought he felt.

"Fuck."

Weak yet firmly stated. 

He may have lied that by telling them he wanted to sleep but it was for good reason. He wanted to calm down and the roof of tranquility was the place to go.