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"What worries you most when you look at him, Gregory? For me, it is that I can not remember the last time he smiled. —Oh, Selene, I can not remember the last time my son smiled."
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[SHADE SHADOWS]

I am quietly cleaning.

I think my mind is simply vacant at my discovery. That he does not care as much as I do.

Petty things, yes, but it is only because I have a glass heart that I behave this way.

I have discovered that it easily cracks. You see it was born alone in a land where souls are birthed in pairs.

Sighing, I look down at the books littered on the floor. My ears straining slightly for sounds. Part of me believes the master still lingers. At least I wish to believe so.

I swear, I hear whispers sometimes but when I turn there is nothing but a stream of dust in the empty row.

Not even Diane's flutters can be heard.

I did not mean to scare her off too. But she would return I was sure- even though it feels like it has been nearly a half hour since the dust settled.

Falling to my knees, I stack up the books taken off shelves in neat piles. I needed to clear the floors and a pathway between the clutter. Moving up and down the ladder I transport piles and piles of books and stack them. Dusting off the dirt from the shelves.

I am quick and even quieter as I am.

I find I do not think too much when I do my work faster. It is good because I need to not think too much. Coming down, I eventually occupy my mind with a soft tune, humming to myself.

But even as my mind wanders, I inwardly make a bargain. When I am done dusting this aisle, I'll go hunting.

If I am to be alone again, at least I must waste the hours in discovery.

Discovery of what it is I am since I cannot finish the map of the maze to free myself. I must be useful in other ways, if not to our escape then to myself.

In the least, I must hunt for my fate.

Any books I can find on the mage wolf.

My eyes scan covers as I carry them. It is best done quickly. So that I can put my curiosity to rest.

I suddenly freeze at soft sounds that tickle my ears

There. There it is again. I hear it.
My eyebrows gather.

Whispers. I swear I hear whispers. My ears pull slightly but silence returns almost immediately and they capture nothing.

Only my breaths.

Paused in the middle of the aisle, I turn around, scanning for any figure, but there is nothing.

No sounds at all.

I know deep down I hope I am not alone, but I kill that feeling reminding myself that he is simply selfish.

Yes, the master is selfish, and I must be selfish now too for I have far more to lose.

He is gone now as he has been gone for the last four days. He does not care, and neither should I.

Selene, I wish it was as easy as it sounds. But no, my heart may be made of glass and yet it is quick to leap. Ah, it is unfair in many ways.

I need to be more comfortable being alone. Now that it has been established. I swallow dryly but shake my head free from the feelings.

It is a good thing.

A good thing for my glass heart that falls so easily.

My gaze trails through the covers searching each before sliding them back on clean shelves. When I am done, I move to a new shelf, dragging the ladder with me.

I climb a step up the ladder, taking out books, and pause when I hear ruffling and catch sight of a book shaking. It's pulled out of place and I hold a breath at the sight of the master through the new space.

His eyes meet mine, but he clears his throat looking away quickly. Though he does not move, he turns away slightly, bringing the book closer to his face where clearly he pretends to be reading, shifting to pages much too quickly even for him.

He glances at me again, and when he catches me watching he quickly looks away.

It is—amusing. He looks like a child searching for ways to apologize.

"Are you still cross?" He asks. He glances at me when he speaks. 

I hold my breath. At least he knows I'm angry. And although it is an attempt, it is not enough. And as I said. I am petty.

My jaw clenches and I push a book through the hole he's made, barring his view of me.

I hear him gasp at my name, calling and I fight the urge to smile. Then it is silent. Only for a moment. My eyebrows deepen when I hear whispers again.

Is he—whispering?

I move closer to the books, uncertain of the low hushed voices being said. My ears straining slightly near the spines, as I lean forward.

Are there 2 voices?

I step back surprised, eyebrows drawing in further.

Who is he talking to?

A book slips out again, and I see his eyes peering through.

"Shade I-" he pauses and then sighs, his gaze shifting off me, "I confess I do not understand what I have done that angers you. But I know there are many things I do not understand," his eyes shift in mine earnestly, "and I apologize." He clears his throat.

He looks proud at his words. Hopeful. As if he's said magical words that heal any and everything. As if he's broken boundaries.

I am only more frustrated. He does not understand??

I cannot answer his questions, not now. I am livid. Exasperated. What is he even doing here? Didn't he leave?

"I thought you left." I lash, pushing a book back into the hole he tunneled, blocking his view yet again.

He is quick to pull out another book, his eyebrows drawing in, "Why? I did not say goodbye."

I pause at his statement. He is right. He did not say goodbye. My gaze trails the glimmer of gold that outlines his dark coat for a moment.

"Perhaps it is because you are so good at leaving," I snap, shoving another book through. Stepping off the ladder,  I pick up more books, only pausing when I hear them.

Whispers. Voices.

My eyebrows arch Again. I hear footsteps and look away, focusing on the task at hand.

I finally feel his presence, as he moves closer, and from the corner of my eye, I see Diane fly up ahead, perching somewhere behind me. I glance forward just enough to see his figure, paused a few feet before me. I ignore this and continue packing.

He waits quietly for a few seconds. "Will you not speak?"

"I have no words," I retort.

"Mm." He hums. Silence returns as I stack books.

"Have I- " he pauses and does not complete the sentence. I'm curious as to why but I do not look at him.

"Will you at least look at me?" he asks.

I am about to stand when I hear this, My gaze slides upwards but I do not reach his eyes, pausing halfway, my voice is ice, "Does my master Command this?"

Silence. This time it is deafening.

When he replies, it is breathless and careful, "I simply ask."

When I hear this, my heart softens. I take a breath out getting to my feet, my eyes slowly shift to his.

The colors in his eyes swirl in concern, his eyebrows drawn impatient yet unsure. My gaze falls back to the book in my arms, and I walk passed him.

I hear a turn, his breathing is deeper.

"Shade," he calls, stopping me in my tracks. There is a hint of hesitation when he asks. "Are we still friends?"

The question is direct.

It hits me harder than I care for. For what was this decision I was making? Now that I knew he did not care and I was striving to do so, did it mean this was the end?

"You are my only friend."

My heart thumps inside me.  It is worse that he is clueless. I roll my eyes, my gaze throwing to the ceiling. My feelings shift through. It is my glass heart I tell you.

It so easily falls. Ready to crack at the slightest emotion.

I spin around exasperated, "Sure I am your only friend and yet you do not care about me," I grunt.

He seems to freeze at the statement or is it the suddenness in which I speak? Still, I have a monologue I am ready to recite.

"I ask you a question about your mate and you- you leave abruptly as if I have offended you," I spit. My eyes are wide and I hold him responsible.

"And then you stay away for four days, FOUR DAYS,  and leave me here alone in this dark, dark place where I only have my thoughts. And I understand that you are at the Night Wolf's most trusted, and you may be busy, and you sometimes can not visit, but I worry!" I grunt, and for some reason, tears fill my eyes and my mouth hangs for a moment, the words on my tongue are there and yet they refuse to form.

"I am your only friend," I repeat his words with a defeated shrug. My eyes search his and his lips purse. His eyes tell me he listens more than I would ever know.

"I can not help but feel abandoned when you do not show, for who else keeps you company when I am not there?" I ask softly.

Because I know that he needs someone.

"I can not help but worry even though I know you are a master with a mighty wolf and the night wolf most trusted, therefore yes, I know you will not get sick, and you can protect yourself and no one in their right mind would dare harm you and yet, because of what I am, of who we are to each other and what I see when I look at you. I worry. I worry," I stress,  "I-I just..."

My shoulders fall.

I feel utterly stupid because whilst there are a million reasons I know I should be angry, they evade me at this moment. I feel emotional, and even weak. The words run from me. I press my eyes closed for a moment shaking my head.

Pulling myself together, I swallow looking at him.

"You walk in here and stand beside me and do not say where you've been, and I wish to know how you've been. It has been nearly a week of dark days. Something must have happened that the Night Wolf took the sun.  I wish to know you are here now because it is the only time you've had to spare and when you finally had, this is the first place you came simply because you missed my company as I missed yours."

I search his eyes desperately, "Because you are my friend but I am just not certain if I am truly yours."

My gaze drops to the floor and I let out a breath, looking away as a realization crosses me, "Selene, I do not even know your name."

I feel his eyes burn into my skull. I feel him study me.

But I also feel stupid for I feel I have spoken too much and done the opposite of what I promised myself only a few moments to not do.

Care.

I have shown I care, to lengths unimaginable. I inwardly yell at myself. Scream. To show a weakness when I was born a disadvantage is stupid.  It is utterly stupid.

It is worse that he simply looks at me and the silence devours everything else.

"The question, about my mate-" he starts breaking through the quiet.

My ears lift but I do not look at him my heart thudding softly.

"It did not offend me," he confesses. The sentence hangs for a moment before he speaks again, "I could not find the right words to..." he trails off but leaves the sentence dangling again.

"Shade, when I left I did not intend to stay away for four days. I wished to answer the question, but I needed to think..." he paused.

My gaze flashes to him, my eyebrows drawing in confusion.

His gaze rests on mine,  "I intended to return, I did...but- there were many things that happened after. You wished to know if I was alright..." he speaks softer as I study his face.

I can see the clench in his jaw when his gaze shifts ever so slightly, "I admit I was not. No," he breathed out, his eyebrows drawing in reluctantly, "I think I was in pain..."

My heart seems to become nonexistent at the confession.

His gaze lifts back to mine.

"I am still new to friendship. I do not wish to be a child forever. I do not wish to anger you for I am slow to understand emotion. I am used to being lonely it is- so much so that I think it is a part of me now. I think it defines me. When I am sad I have habits. I stay in a place where no one can reach me. And then I bleed alone."

Crack. Right there. I hear it.
A crack in my glass heart.

"I was wasting away in the darkness. The dark days are like a shield. No one can see your pain in the dark, not when their own fear is reflected in it. And I thought I could heal before anyone could see. Then... You."

His gaze shifts up to mine holding it in a certain wonder that took my breath away.

"You were there. Your image, your voice, and I remembered I am not lonely anymore. I have someone who cares when I bleed. Even when she can not see it, she knows and she worries."

He stares at me with concern, "Will you not tire, Shade, carrying this weight of mine? It is heavy. Incredibly."

I blink for a moment at the statement. I think for a moment, as a small smile lifts the corners of my lips and I shake my head, with a slight eye roll.

"Unfortunately, my arms are used to lifting,"  I grunt looking down at the load in my hands.

When my gaze returns to him, my heart stops.

There is a simple smile playing against his lips. And he chuckles, and there are shallow dips in his cheeks, gone too fast to truly describe. It is short sound, cannot be described as laughter, barely audible. But I catch a glimpse of his eyes when they are brightened like stars.  And I am enchanted.

It is a moment gone longer than it shows.

But It is an absolute treasure that keeps me still and in awe, stuck in time.

"Then I am in luck," he comments.

But I have forgotten his words as soon as they are uttered. Because I need the moment returned. I nod mindlessly.

I study him as he looks down at me. His eyebrows draw in as if he reads that there is something on my mind. I think for a moment.

"Do you need a hug?"

He blinks at this as if taken aback. He does not respond for seconds, and then slowly shakes his head.

"Are you sure?" I urge, "Sometimes a hug is all you need to be reminded you aren't alone. Growing up as a keffer I know how lonely feels. But Vale and Ama's hugs were a constant reminder that I had them and that I was not alone," My mind fades into a memory, a smile forming.

"It wasn't just hugs, it was long cuddles by the fire in her bed, her reassuring words that reminded me I mean more to her than I would ever imagine. To feel you are of worth to somebody-" I pause, "it is a feeling that heals. I think it is loneliness's greatest enemy."

He watches me as I say this and nods along.

"I am not fond of hugs," he confesses, "my mother used to be, but I think she realized I did not like being smothered and suffocated. Her arms are far too strong." When he says this he sounds truly disturbed at the memory.

I chuckle at this.

His gaze meets mine at the sound. I remember he does not like being laughed at but I can not help it.

He is funny.

"Then there is Bella's -" he adds.

I pause at the name for a moment.  My heart drums.

It was the first time he mentioned a female's name. And with such familiarity, perhaps even tenderness.

His mate? My heart thuds as his eyebrows arch slightly.

"I can not find a fault in them." he grunts more to himself than any, "but I thank Selene I do not have to endure them as often."

I smile again at this although my heart clenches. I admit I am jealous that she is that privileged. But it is good for him. It is all that matters.

I hum nodding my head as I walk toward him, "Well I do think one needs a hug once in a while. So whenever, if ever you need one," I smile, head tilting slightly, "do remember master, you have a friend that gives hugs."

He does not reply but his eyes let me know that he's heard.

I glance down at the passage, sighing. I have a lot of trips that await me. Judging by the size of this library, millions.

Selene.

"I have trips to make, master. You can help or keep
Me company, either will be appreciated." I add with a smile of my own.

Diane caws and I glance at her with a smile. She brought him back to me. I must thank her later.

He glances at the piles on the floor I have pointed to and nods. But he does not move to pick them up, he just stares at the floor for a moment.

"Kayos."

My gaze lifts to him in confusion. His gaze meets to mine. He swallows softly, and when he speaks again it is softer.

"What I was named."

My heart thumps at the revelation, my eyes wide. My fingers curl beneath the load. I feel light and hesitant.

It is just a name I know and yet I feel I have been given a great privilege. I nod more to myself than any.

"Kayos?" I whisper back, a breathless attempt, uttered as if a question. The name is simply perfect on my tongue.

His eyes immediately drop to my lips as they move and rise to meet mine slowly.

"Yes?" he breaths. He sounds nervous.

I smile. It is so wide I think I show teeth, I glance at the floor, "The books, please."

He raises an eyebrow as if confused and then his gaze snaps to the floor and seems to return to reality and nods, one too many times.

I chuckle as I turn away, Diane perching on my shoulder.

I hear his heavy footsteps as He walks behind me, clearing his throat, arms heavy with books.

My glass heart is light.

Incredibly light.

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[I hope you enjoyed the update! Please leave a comment and vote! I appreciate and read each one.  I might squeeze in one more Kayde Chapter on our next update.. We will see ✨

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