combustion | process of burning something

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4/18/17

IT'S BEEN SIXTEEN days since prom. Sixteen days since we first had sex. Sixteen days since I broke my best friend, stabbed her in the back, and chose Asher over her.

It's been eleven days since I told him I loved him. Eleven days since he hasn't said he loved me back.

Ten days since he ditched me for a party. Ten days since I locked my window and ignored his texts and drunken knocks on my bedroom window.

We've been together for two weeks now and this has been the most confusing two weeks of my life. At school Asher stakes his claim. His hand holds mine, his arm wraps around my waist, he kisses me, and he brings me donuts. He makes sure everyone knows I'm his, but then school ends.

He sometimes drives me home. Other times he disappears. He doesn't call or text or make a true effort with me outside the four walls of our high school until it's two in the morning and he's climbing through my window.

Those are the moments I feel most connected to him. He holds me as if I'm his last breath and only hope. He always attacks me with this passion as if he's just as desperate as I am. Those are the moments I turn off all the anger and sadness and confusion and only focus on Asher. Focus on the dirty words he whispers against my lips. Focus on the spark that flames in my chest when he pushes me over that edge. Clothes fall, lips meet, and we come together in a mess of sweat, moans, and need.

A piece of me knows those small moments tangled in my bed sheets can't sustain us, but the bigger part of my heart chooses not to recognize that fact. So I push it far, far away. I pretend I don't feel the doubt weaving its way through my every thought. I pretend we're the same Asher and Maeleigh from before prom. I thrive in the memories of the before because the reality of the after simply doesn't quite live up.

My phone buzzes on my lap and I lift it up to see I have a text from Francesca. An emotion I don't expect fills me as heat flares from behind my eyes. It's hope I realize as tears fight to escape. I've refused to acknowledge her just as she has me. She ignores my presence but her friends still hurl their insults my way. Letting their words add to the million other invisible cuts that now cover me. Scar me. I've never felt so raw and vulnerable. And right now I'm fully aware of how much I miss my best friend.

How much I miss her comfort and sassy words from before. Before I fell for Asher. Before I walked into that bathroom months ago and set my sights on the man who would change me forever.

But now my best friend sits in the before of my life, before I let the flames of a boy consume me, before I choose the fire over her. And I sit here on my bed in the after, in the small flickering flame slowly turning to ash. Alone. Sad. Uncertain.

My finger swipes across the screen to see she sent me a video. Confusion chills in my veins as I click on what she sent me. The video starts and loud music pours from a nearby speaker. The video shows Asher's house filled with people drinking, dancing, and getting high. A bolt of annoyance strikes through me at the sight. It's the middle of a school week. Why does he need to have a party? But I also know graduation is less than a month away and most of our senior class has given up on actually caring about school and grades.

The video then zooms in on Asher in the middle of his living room dancing with two girls on either side of him. Their hands trail up his body as their bodies grind against his. The girls pass a large bottle of what looks like vodka between them before Asher pulls it away from them and takes a long drink.

The video then ends. Stopping on the blurry image of girls all over the boy I love. The boy who isn't doing a thing to stop them. He isn't pushing them away. He's thriving in it as he continues to fill his body with more and more toxins.

I didn't notice it at first or maybe I didn't want to. Maybe I wanted to avoid the truth. But it's a rare day to see Asher sober. He's always drunk or high or both at the same time. And when he's touching sobriety, just on the edge, it's as if he can't stand the idea so a cigarette hangs between his lips. A placeholder for what he truly wants.

A knot forms in the pit of my stomach until it rises and the feeling of needles prick at my throat.

Francesca has her read receipts on so I'm aware she knows I've seen the video. My heart wants to believe she didn't have a part in this and that one of her friends made and sent the video. But my head knows the truth. Knows she sent the video to hurt me, to show me that my choice was wrong.

Before I can stop myself I'm out of my bed and I tug on my tennis shoes. I run down the stairs to grab my mother's car keys and I dart out the front door without a second thought.

I should feel bad about taking her car without asking but she's asleep for the night, and I'll be back before she knows it. She's also been weird since I dropped the Asher Lawton is my boyfriend news and I hate to admit it but I think she's avoiding me. I shake my head pushing those thoughts away not wanting to focus on another crumbling relationship of mine.

My foot slams on the gas as I speed towards The Grove, towards Asher's house, towards his party.

As soon as I pull up the entire house is lit up and I can see all the people inside. Sudden nerves flash throughout me and spiral tightly as hesitation expands inside me. I pause as I exit the car and walk slowly up to the mansion fully aware I'm only in black leggings and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm not all done up. I have no makeup on, and haven't even brushed my hair today, but all of that is the last thing on my mind.

What's on my mind is Asher. My phone heats in my pocket as the video flashes through my mind reminding me why I'm here in the first place.

I push open the front door and loud music drowns my thoughts as my eyes dart around the house as my feet lead me forward. My gaze flashes to the living room, but he's not there. Then they flicker to the kitchen. He's not there either. Nausea slithers through me at the thought of him upstairs in his room with someone.

"Looking for Asher?" I hear Jessica's sickeningly sweet voice from behind me. She stands in the kitchen leaning against the counter. She's wearing a tiny sundress that shows off her perfect body with a red solo cup in her manicured hand. Her gaze casually trails over me as she judges my ratty outfit. Her face shows her disgust towards me instantly.

I don't even want to acknowledge her, but if I back down she will just feed off it. "Yes," I answer curtly.

A wicked smile slips over her lips as she runs a finger over the rim of her cup. "He's outside," she tells me. "In the hot tub," she adds with a small tilt of her head.

My cheeks heat with anger and embarrassment all at once. I wet my suddenly dry lips and my hands fold into fists at my side. It's almost as if I knew what I was going to see before I even walked outside to the patio. But nothing could prepare me for the pain that slices through me at the sight of what's before me.

Asher is in the hot tub with the two girls from the video. Two girls' I don't recognize. They once again are all over him. I watch as one kisses his neck and the other licks his chest, then one girl slides her hand lower until I can see her blatantly rubbing him through his shorts.

My heart stops beating for a millisecond. Everything stops and for that small moment in time I don't feel pain. I don't feel anything. It's all black. But then my heart resumes beating and the pain slams into overdrive. I don't just feel pain, I feel everything, and the darkness is coated in red. My heart cracks and breaks and shatters and the overwhelming emotions ricochet throughout me not leaving a single piece of me untouched. Unharmed. Undamaged.

Asher's head lifts suddenly. Maybe because he could feel my presence or my heated stare. Or maybe because he heard the shattering of my heart. It was deafening to me.

A drunken smirk pulls at his lips. "Maeleigh!" he calls out my name as if he's elated to see me. But I hate his happiness at this moment. I hate everything about him. "You made it," he says, slurring his words.

"Yeah," I scoff as something sharper than anger edges it's way through my chest. "I made it," I grit out.

"You should come in," he stupidly suggests as he sinks even further into the hot tub. "There's more than enough room," he offers before lifting a cup to his lips and downing it's contents in a single gulp.

I open my mouth to give him a piece of my mind when one of the girls in the hot tub stops me. "Isn't two enough for you Asher?" Her voice whines as she throws me a dirty look before placing her lips on his throat. As if she's marking her territory.

"Yeah, we don't need her," the other one adds as she snuggles in closer to Asher. I watch as his hand wraps around her waist, as he pulls her closer, as he doesn't push her away. "She's not that cute anyways," she adds with a snarky laugh.

I wait for him to say something to defend me. But he doesn't. I wait for him to defend. But he doesn't. I wait for him to push the girls away, to do anything. But he doesn't. The moment passes and does nothing.

Acid burns my throat as I choke back the emotions that want to overflow me. I hold them back and calmly speak. "Looks like I'm not needed," I comment simply refusing to add to this situation. As my eyes lift from the scene in front of me I see a large majority of my senior class has joined us, watching us as if they can't wait to see the fight go down. Some of them even have their phones raised recording as if hoping for a catfight.

Tension fills my body and hangs heavy on my shoulders as I turn without another word and walk out of Asher's backyard. The music continues to play but not a word is spoken as everyone watches me walk away. I almost make it to the living room when I hear giggling.

I pause, just for a moment to come face to face with Francesca. The girl who used to be my best friend. The girl who once considered me her sister. But now she stands with her friends, her arms crossed over her chest, looking beautiful as always, but the happiness that once resided in her eyes is long gone. They are now frigid and hard as they give me a dirty look.

Jessica burst into another fit of giggles pretending to try and hide it behind her hand.

"Something funny?" I spit at her annoyed at her presence.

"Yeah, watching Asher treat you like the trash you are," she tells me casually as if her words don't hurt. As if her words aren't cruel. Maybe if my heart had any more pieces to break it would in this moment. But it doesn't so the jab results only in a dull ache.

I turn my focus to Francesca. "Anything you want to say?" I ask bitterly, becoming a glutton for the pain at this point. I deserve it for the way I treated her so why not let them continue to break me down and tear me apart until there's nothing left.

She blinks and for a second I see worry flash in her eyes but before it can even settle over her features it's gone. In a flash, in a single blink, and once again the coldness settles back over her.

She shrugs as if she's indifferent. "Told you so," she tells me before flipping on her heel and stalking away from me as her friends quickly follow.

With a stuttered breath I head towards the front door again when I hear my name.

"Maeleigh!" His voice is deep and warm and everything I love, but also drunk and grating and everything I hate. "Where are you going?"

I refuse to turn around and face him. I could make a run for it; the front door is only a few yards away at this point. I could run and not turn back. Speed off in my car and cry myself to sleep and once again wake up and pretend none of this happened. Just like I did when he ditched dinner with my mother. But I'm so tired of being passive. I once thought he made me feel powerful because he was Asher Lawton, and he wanted me.

But truthfully he makes me weak, and it's exhausting feeling this way.

Suddenly I feel his bare, wet chest against my back. Water drops from his hair and splashes on my neck before traveling down my back. His heat radiates through my clothes and I hate that I still crave it. Crave him even after everything he's done to me.

Again he makes me feel weak.

So without a second thought I spin around, lift my hand, and slap him as hard as I can. The sound of my palm hitting his cheek echoes throughout the room and a few gasps fill the air forcing me to remember we once again have an audience.

Pink blossoms instantly across the cheek I hit and darkness slowly ripples over his handsome features. His jaw clenches and eyes narrow in on me.

"What was that for?" he asks slowly as if he has a right to question my actions after what he's done. His words wind through me and strike a cord deep from within.

"Fuck you," I growl at him before turning and heading back towards the front door.

Before I can reach the gold handle to my escape his hand wraps tightly around my arm and begins to drag me away from my freedom.

"Let me go!" I shout at Asher angrily as he drags me into the powder room a few feet away from the front door. His fingers grip me tightly teetering right on the edge of uncomfortable and inflicting actual pain. He flexes his hand in that moment and a whimper falls from my lips as he falls over that edge and hurts me.

He loosens his grip as if he realizes what he's doing before shoving me inside of the powder room.

Asher pushes me inside and flicks the lock before letting me go and leaning against the door. I scramble to the wall opposite him desperate to put space between us. He's half naked in only his swim trunks. Water still clings to his tan skin from the hot tub, his muscles glistening under the lights. His sharp cheekbones stick out as he looks down at me with his dark eyes that watch my every move as I fidget in front of him.

"Let me out of here," I demand not having the patience to play his games tonight.

"No," he tells me quietly. "Why are you so pissed off?" he asks as if he's genuinely confused by my anger.

A dry chuckle flies past my lips as I sit in complete bewilderment as his stupidity. "Are you fucking serious right now?" I ask incredulously.

"So some girls were flirting with me," he shrugs casually as if I have no right to be upset. As if I'm the one blowing this out of proportion.

Untapped rage flows wildly in my veins as my teeth grind together in attempts to contain some of my emotions before I explode. "Flirting?" I inquire sarcastically. "Those girls were kissing your body while one of them touched your dick, but yeah it was just harmless flirting," I say harshly before I step towards him and shove his chest in attempts to find an outlet to let out all this pent up frustration before I burst.

Asher stops my movements by circling his hands around my wrists. "It was a mistake," he admits letting his storm filled eyes hold onto mine. "I was drunk," he tells me his excuse. Because he always has one. He never has to own up to his faults because he's Asher Lawton and gets away with everything.

I rip my hands out of his hating his touch at this moment. Tears line my eyes as I attempt to hold them back as heat fills my entire body and scorches my throat. Leaving me raw and once again burned.

My eyes take in his glassed over eyes and I smell the liquor on his breath. "You're still drunk!" I call him out with anger evident in my voice. "You're always drunk," I add more calmly stating the truth.

"Maeleigh—"

"No!" I cut him off. "You said you wouldn't do this to me, that you couldn't," I say letting my words come out broken and exposed just like me as I remember the moment he promised me everything. Promised me three simple things and in two weeks managed to break every single promise and me in the process.

"What's wrong?" he asks from behind me as we cuddle on his massive bed. His arm wraps around my waist as my back presses against his front. We are naked and wrapped in each other's warmth and the beautiful bliss of many orgasms.

My tongue darts out to wet my bottom lip. "I'm afraid you'll regret this in the morning," I admit quietly in the dark room.

"Regret what?" he questions confused by my words.

"Me," I confess with a broken whisper. Tonight I said things to my best friend and chose a boy over her because of how I felt. I can't lie and say I'm not a little scared about the decision I made.

His arm tightens around me drawing me in even closer before he presses a small kiss to my shoulder. "I will never regret you," he tells me openly. His husky voice sends a roll of heat all the way to my toes.

"You're used to having anyone you want—" I begin but he cuts me off.

"Yes, and I want you," he says.

"Really? You won't get bored?" I ask hating how desperate and needy I'm sounding, but I've fallen for him and fallen hard. My heart beats and bleeds for him and I need to know that choosing him over my best friend won't be my biggest regret in life.

"Bored of touching this body?" he teasingly asks, letting his fingers trail over my chest. "Never," he assures me with another kiss, this time on my neck. I shudder under the touch of his lips.

I rotate in his arms so we are face to face now. Our foreheads graze each other and our lips brush, stoking the fire between us.

"I would never and could never hurt you," he whispers against my lips. "Never cheat on you," he says before placing a delicate kiss to my lips. "Never lie to you," he grumbles out against my neck before playfully biting the sensitive skin there.

"Sure," I drawl out not quite believing that last promise.

"Never," he states again before pressing his lips against mine and stealing my breath away.

"I'm sorry," he tells me, pulling me from the once sweet memory that has now become tarnished and full of lies and empty promises.

"You're always sorry," I say with a sigh. I feel empty, deflated and completely defeated. "I don't know if I can do this anymore," I finally admit and as the words leave my lips anguish fills Asher's features.

He steps away from the door and rushes towards me. "No!" he exclaims, his eyes begging me. "I didn't sleep with anyone, I didn't cheat," he says, his words coming out fast and messy.

"Did you kiss them?" I ask, needing to know the truth even if it hurts. Even if it ends me and brings me to my demise all at once.

His gaze drops from mine and that's all I need to know. I begin to step away when he grabs me and pushes me back up against the wall refusing to let me go. "It was one kiss," he confesses as if that makes it any better.

"Asher I need to go," I barely utter out as tears begin to spill over at his admission.

"No," he cries out, stopping me once again. "You can't leave me. I messed up Maeleigh. Please forgive me, please. Don't leave me," he pleads desperately as his hands wrap around my waist and pull me into his body.

My hands hesitantly lift to his shoulders as he continues to drunkenly beg me, but my heart isn't in it. I always thought I wanted a guy this frenzied and desperate for me. But I just want to go. I don't want to listen to his lies anymore. I just need space. I need time away from this man who messes with my emotions. He's convinced me right is wrong and wrong is right, and that up is down and down is up. I'm a mess and I need a moment with myself to sort my feelings out.

But Asher's next words stop me. Stop time. Stop everything.

"I love you Maeleigh," he says, tugging me closer. "Don't leave, I love you."

Words I wanted to hear for eleven days sit right in front of me. Hanging over my head and lingering in the air. Tempting me to reach out and grab them and jump for joy and say them back.

But I don't say them back.

I can't say them back.

Because if this is love...I don't want it.