glimmer | shine faintly with a wavering light

• • •

5/14/17

TODAY'S THE DAY.

Today's the day I graduate from high school. The day my mother and I have been looking forward to since I was a kid. The day Francesca and I dreaded yet were eager for all at once. The day I move forward from my life here in Easton and step towards my new life miles and miles away in Illinois. In two weeks I'll be moving to college to participate in an early program for my major before the rest of the freshman class moves in.

But today is the day my mother worked so hard for. The day I graduate in the top 1% of my senior class. The day I show her everything she's done for me has been worth it.

I sit in the cheap folding chair with the hundred others in my class on the football field. The sun is warm, and the air is still with no wind. My classmates sit around me in a sea of diamond white graduation gowns and caps, as our principal gives us a speech saying how proud he is of us on the stage in front of the field goal post.

My eyes flicker to the kind brown ones a few rows ahead that are already trained on me. I crack a smile at Brooklyn before he tosses a wink my way sending a shiver down my spine. I can't help the flush that turns my cheeks pink or the way my teeth graze my bottom lip in silent hope that his lips will be touching mine soon.

I drop my head breaking the connection before returning my attention back to the stage to now see our valedictorian, Amy Keating, take the stage.

Laughter bubbles up from my side and I see that somehow Asher and Francesca weaseled their way into seats side by side even though we are supposed to be in alphabetical order.

I see him pass her his expensive flask, and I watch her take a swig. But from her flushed cheeks I know it isn't her first drink of the day. Worry settles deep inside and I want to push it away and pretend I don't care about her anymore, but I can't. Because even through her white-hot hatred I still care, and I know I always will.

A piece of me aches to talk to her, to find a way to make her speak with me. I want to know if she decided on a school for this fall. I want to know how her parents are, and if their relationship is any better. I want to know so much, but I shove it all down and ignore the urge to reach out because I know it won't help.

It will only hurt, and I'm tired of hurting.

"Erin Adams," I hear our principal call out and I settle into my seat knowing they are now calling out our names to come on stage and collect out diplomas we worked four years for.

Name after name is called out as I watch row after row get called up to take their momentous walk.

"Francesca Dadario," he calls out and the crowd erupts instantly with clapping and voices cheering her on. But I don't miss the way her eyes search the bleachers for her parents, and as I turn to take a sweep I don't see them and once again concern fills my bones.

Her bright smile falters ever so slightly, and as she walks off the stage I see her wipe at her face.

My eyes track her, but she keeps her head down refusing to meet anyone's gaze as she makes her way to her seat.

"Brooklyn Fisher."

That name catches my attention as I watch my friend cross the stage. I clap my hands and cheer him on as loud as I can with a bright smile pulled across my face. A smile so wide that my cheeks hurt.

I sit there proud as can be for him. Proud of his next steps to college, and a great music program. Proud to call him my friend, and have him by my side.

"Asher Lawton."

That name stops me as I lift my eyes to see him take the stage. He doesn't flash a smile, no he lets his signature smirk stretch across his lips as he shakes the principal's hand and takes hold of his diploma. His friends go wild shouting and cheering him on before he takes the stairs down from the stage.

The sun frames him perfectly as he takes a walk down the aisle next to me. He's almost too bright to look at with the sun and it seems to fit him perfectly. Too hot, too bright, too blinding.

I think he's going to ignore me completely, as he has done for the last week, but then his dark eyes catch mine. He holds my gaze for a mere second but it feels like a lifetime as I watch anger, longing, confusion, more anger, and then something that looks dangerously close to love flash in his midnight eyes. But then it all fades away and he turns from me and goes back to pretending I don't exist.

He walks away from me without a second glance and a sudden wave rushes over me and I feel oddly at peace.

Something about it felt final, and within that finality I feel calm and content. I can never change my past, but a part of me doesn't want to change it. Without it I wouldn't know whom I want or what I want. I wouldn't know me or discover the woman I can truly become.

My row is finally called and ushered forward to take the stage next. My graduation gown brushes my calves and I fuss with my cap making sure my curls are still intact. I rarely curl my hair because they fall out way too fast, but I wanted to make today special. Which means actually trying with my hair and some makeup.

"Maeleigh Winter."

My name is called and accomplishment fills my chest as I step forward and shake my principal's hand and grab onto my diploma. I let my pale eyes search the bleachers and they come to land on my mother. She's standing in the crowd clapping like a mad woman and a laugh escapes my lips at her reaction. Warmth blooms in my chest at her and I can't stop the tears that line my eyes and threaten to fall.

The rest of graduation passes by quickly after that and with the iconic cap toss it's all finally over.

I am a high school graduate moving to college in two weeks. Change is happening and I'm excited and nervous for it all at once.

I can't stop my eyes from seeking out Francesca in the crowd as parents and faculty now take the field to take pictures with the newly graduated class.

My feet lead me forward without a second thought when I see her standing along the sidelines awkwardly as her friends are greeted with their parents and she stands there alone.

"Hi," I breathe as I step up behind her. She flips around and I take in her dark hair, and amber eyes that instantly flare at the sight of me. Her gown is now open and parted to show a gorgeous white lace fitted dress underneath.

Her jaw tenses as she fiddles with the graduation cap in her hands. "What do you want?" she asks heatedly.

I wet my lips. "I just wanted to say congrats," I start as nerves eat away at me and make me second-guess my decision to come over here. "And good luck with college."

Francesca hesitates for a second as if she's surprised by my words. "You don't have to pretend you care Mae," she tells me before lifting her hand to wipe her cheek as if she's concerned she may have any evidence of her tears from earlier. But she looks just as perfect as she always does, at least from the outside.

"I know we will never be friends again because of what I did, and I know I don't deserve for you to forgive me," I tell her earnestly. "But believe me when I say that I do still care about you and I hope you're happy." It's all I have left to say to her. I'm not hoping my words change anything because I know they won't. I just wanted her to hear them. Because I'm afraid she won't hear them from her parents today.

Her eyebrows draw together and I see her throat bobble as if she has a lump she's trying to swallow. "Thanks," she whispers with a small nod before she turns and walks away from me. I don't make a move to chase after her. But I do smile because we may not ever be friends but at least I can know we ended like this and I can be content. I can move forward. I can leave this town and grow.

"Maeleigh!" My name is shouted loudly from behind me and I turn on my heel to see my mother. Even with me pulling away and ignoring her the last two weeks here she is with a smile on her face and her eyes bright with elation.

"Hi mom," I say as she steps forward and pulls me into a big bear hug.

"I'm so damn proud of you," she tells me as she kisses the side of my head and draws me in even tighter. As if she doesn't want to let me go.

"Thanks," I reply as she pulls back and looks at me as if she's truly seeing me. Seeing that I'm not a child anymore, but her eighteen-year-old daughter who's becoming a woman and leaving for college too soon.

I want to take that step and talk with her and forgive her, but I'm still held back by the images that plague my mind of that morning in Asher's house.

"Mae!" My voice is called from the crowd and I look over to see Brooklyn's messy brown hair heading my way until he stands before me and releases one of his perfect big, warm smiles at me.

"Brooks!" I exclaim before turning and pulling him into a hug. His body presses against mine and I can't help the way my body melts at the contact and loves the way his hands hold my waist.

I pull back slightly flushed and push a stray strand of hair behind my ear.

"Congrats Brooklyn," my mother gushes as her eyes flick between the two of us and I can already see the questions forming in her brain.

"Thanks Ms. Winter," he replies easily with his perfect boyish grin.

"We did it," I say, not able to wipe the smile off of my lips in his presence.

"Finally," he drags the word out before playful hitting his shoulder against mine.

I shove him back with my hand and a roll of my eyes though of course my smile doesn't budge. "It's weird it's all over now," I admit as I take in the crowd of people and flowers and camera flashes.

"Yeah..." he trails as if he's working up the courage to say something. I watch as he rocks back onto his heels and runs a hand down the back of his neck. "I don't want to steal you away from your mom on such a big day, but if you're free I was wondering if you wanted to hang out?" he asks with a small wince as if he's concerned about my answer or more so my mother's answer.

I turn to gauge my mother's reaction, and I can see a piece of her wants to spend the rest of the day with me, but she also knows we have some tough conversations ahead. Though I don't think she knows exactly how tough. I also know she wants to see me happy, so she concedes with a smile and a nod.

"Of course," she tells Brooklyn. "Go celebrate and have fun...though not too much fun," she teases before she steps forward and hugs me one last time. "I love you."

"I love you," I state honestly. "Can we talk later?" I add taking the leap I know I should've taken weeks ago when I first found everything out.

She pulls back and her eyes shine with how proud she is of me and I ache to pull her in again for another hug and hold her tight and not let go.

"Of course," she agrees. "I'll see you later," she waves before walking away and heading back towards the school parking lot.

I turn my attention to Brooklyn and tilt my head. "So what's the plan?" I question with a raised brow.

I know the whole class will be partying and going wild at Asher's house after this, but I also know Brooklyn would never take me there after everything that's transpired this semester.

"Nothing crazy," he shrugs casually. "I thought we could just hang out, maybe the beach? My time left with you is officially drawing to an end," he says, trying to stay light though I can see the touch of sadness that fills his eyes.

"It's the final countdown," I tell him as we walk away from the football field and leave our peers behind.

"It is," he agrees. "So we better do it right."

* * * * *

Once again Brooklyn drives us to the same boardwalk on the edge of town and we sit in the soft sand and relax under the sun. The waves are big today as they crash upon the shore, and the air filled with salt and sea and bliss kisses our skin.

A lazy euphoria winds through me until I'm relaxed and my head is resting on Brooklyn's shoulder. The talk of life, college, family, and music draws to an end until all we hear are the waves and the seagulls and the distant chatter of families walking by.

Contentment settles within my heart and I realize I never want to leave this moment. It's almost perfect, unmarred, and beautiful.

Except for one thing. The one thing I've been dying to do since he came and had dinner at my house. The moment a singular question pricked my brain until it planted a seed and grew into a full-blown obsession.

His lips.

I twist so I'm facing Brooklyn and am almost fully in his strong arms. He turns to face me and his eyes land on mine filled with question before they fall to my parted lips. And I can't help but wonder if the thought has invaded his every waking thought as well.

His gaze raises and I see his brown eyes fall a shade darker as he focuses on me and suddenly the air between us turns humid and heavy and before I can think any further I lift my hand to touch him.

The moment my fingers touch him a breath falls from his lips. I trace over his nose as a shaky sigh escapes me almost in shock that I'm finally touching him so freely. I then move to graze the dark skin of his permanently flushed cheek. My entire body hums with an energy that feels foreign. It's too bright and warm and amazing. It's not dark and twisted and filled with challenges. It feels light and easy, and I want it.

My hand then drops and my fingers delicately touch his lips.

God, his lips.

I don't stop myself. I can't stop myself. I drop my hand to his toned chest and lean in until his hot breath fans across my own. But before our lips can fully meet he pulls away.

Confusion floods me at his action as rejection fills my bones and heat flares in my throat.

"Sorry." The word falls out instantly as I pull back. Pull away from Brooklyn's warmth. Embarrassment reddens my cheeks and my stomach twists in an emotion that shocks me. Loss.

"No, don't be," Brooklyn tells me.

I shake my head refusing to meet his gaze. "No, I misread that moment and I—"

But I don't get to finish because he cuts me off. His hands find my cheeks and lift my eyes to meet his glowing brown ones. "I want to kiss you Mae. I've wanted to kiss you since I realized kissing girls doesn't give you cooties," he chuckles lightly at his confession. The sound reminds me of ocean air. Warm and light and absolute perfection. "And honestly I would've taken them if it meant kissing you," he admits with half a smile.

"Brooks," I start unable to find the right words as my heart beats into overdrive.

"No, you're everything I've ever wanted," he tells me letting his gaze trail over my face as if he's trying to memorize each piece of me and commit it to memory.

"I made terrible mistakes this year and my best friend hates me. Why would I be what you want?" I whisper hating how vulnerable my words are.

His lips twitch in a half smile. "Because Maeleigh I love the way you smile, and I love your laugh, and the freckles on your nose, and I love every little piece of you so much that it scares me and takes my breath away all at once." His words stop my heart and my entire fucking world because I once thought I knew what love was. But I'm slowly realizing I had no idea what it was.

Tears form and slowly fall mirroring my own heart. I reach out and let my right hand land on his that's still cupping my cheek.

"So I know when I do ask you on that date one day and kiss you it will be over for me. I will want every piece of you," he tells me so confidently that it makes my heart beat faster.

"I'm sorry Brooks," I say honestly. "I'm sorry I let him blind me." My words burn, but they are the truth. I was so blinded by the flames of Asher I couldn't see what was in front of me all this time.

"Why?" he questions. "Your mistakes brought you to me. Your mistakes make you human. They're what I love about you and never want to let go of. So I want to wait for our first kiss. I want to wait until the timing is right," he says as he lets his thumbs trace over my cheeks and pull me in close until his forehead is rested against mine.

Fear grips me suddenly and I hold onto him tighter scared to even let him go. "What if it's never right?" I ask breathlessly as anxiety accelerates my pulse.

A smile pulls across his face. "It will be," he states easily as if he can see the future and it's many twists and turns it holds.

My nose brushes against his spreading heat though my veins. "You're pretty confident," I say with a small breathy giggle.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. "I am."

"So one day?"

"Yes," he nods once before opening his eyes and training them on me. And in that moment he looks at me as I'm his whole entire world, as if I'm the person he cherishes most and I feel more than loved. I feel invincible. "When it's time."