I had set the alarm for six in the morning. However, I was awake for about a hour already when it went off.

Due of the increasing anxiety, I hadn't been able to sleep well much.

I got dressed, stuffed a travel bag with everything I needed, left my room and, quietly, in order not to wake my parents who were still sleeping in their bedroom, went downstairs.

I didn't have time for breakfast. With a superhuman effort of will, I ignored the inviting open door to the kitchen and walked on.

I must leave immediately. I can't stop for breakfast. I'll have plenty of time to eat during the trip. It's for the best. For the best, I thought to myself, very convinced.

While, retracing my steps, I was already spilling a carton of milk and an entire box of cookies directly into my mouth.

It didn't count as breakfast, it was just a quick snack.

Still, my departure would've been much easier with a full belly.

Once full, I was finally ready to go. I picked up the bag...

"What are you doing already up at this hour, Choji?"

...and dropped it right away, freezing in place.

My mother, wearing her night gown and still a little sleepy, had suddenly appeared at the door.

"Oh! Uh... I'm going... On a mission, yes! I just received instruction last night!" I replied.

It wasn't half a lie, after all.

"On a mission? Dressed like that?" Mom looked me up and down, doubtful.

I couldn't have blamed her: in order to mix with the boys who lived in the orphanage, I had chosen a green T-shirt and blue shorts, something they didn't see me wearing that often.

"This is a spy mission," I explained. "I have to keep an eye on a criminal on the loose, so I need to mix with the crowd to better follow him, you know?"

Mom nodded, saying nothing.

"I'll be away for long, maybe... Let me think... two weeks, or so. I think. But don't worry, I'll be able to stay well fed!"

I said, pointing at my duffel bag with a smile. Mom nodded again, still without opening her mouth, and stepped aside to let me pass.

I felt very embarrassed. It certainly wasn't pleasent for her, to find out early in the morning that I was going to be away from home on a dangerous mission.

I put the strap of my large luggage over one shoulder and left the kitchen. I had already opened the door and was about to say goodbye when my mother anticipated me.

"Don't you want to say goodbye to your father before you go?"

I gasped.

"Is he still sleeping?" I asked, without looking at her. "So, no, I don't want to wake him up."

"But... You said you won't be home for at least two weeks! Choza will be upset if he doesn't see you leave!"

I sighed.

"I have to leave immediately, I can't delay any longer. Also... Dad... Dad will understand. He's a ninja too, isn't he?"

"I know, but... you're right," she said after a while. "I'll let him know you said goodbye to him too. Take care of yourself!"

"You too."

I opened the door.

I was already with both feet out of the house, when I stopped.

...what the hell is wrong with me?! I can't leave like this!

I turned around, jogged back into the kitchen and gave my mom a kiss on the cheek.

"I'll do my best to come back sooner, I promise! In the meantime... keep my portions warm, okay? I love you."

I gave her another kiss, and left, without looking back.

...

Even though my unexpected encounter with mom had helped me relief some of my anxiety, I still couldn't let go of the concern that hadn't made me sleep.

The fact is, I hadn't talked to anyone else about my mission. Not with my father, not with Ino, not even with Shikamaru.

Not because I was forbidden to, but... How could I have explained it to them?

I could have phrased the news in any way, but the substance would not have changed at all. Not only had I not improved a bit since my promotion to chunin, but I had also taken so many steps backwards that I was risking not being a ninja anymore.

On one hand, I wouldn't have minded having the support of my father and my best friends. In fact, I desperately needed it, at that moment more than ever.

But on the other hand, I had still disappointed their expectations and the faith they had in me.

Put simply, I didn't have the courage to tell them in person. I preferred that they would hear from someone else, and only when I was far enough away.

"Yes, it's for the best," I said aloud to myself, nodding vigorously. "That's the right thing to do."

However, as I walked towards the village gates, I remembered that there was another person I wanted to talk to.

Someone who, from up there, must already know everything about my situation.

...

"Good morning, Master Asuma."

That was the first time I went to visit my master's grave all by myself.

I felt a little awkward and didn't quite know how to behave, but luckily I didn't have to worry about anyone seeing me. At that time of the morning, when the sun was about to rise but a few stars were still visible in the sky, there was no one to pay visit the cemetery of the fallen. Except for me.

"I-it's cold this morning, huh? I'm sorry to bother you at this time, but... I needed to talk to someone."

I knelt in front of the tombstone, hesitating a little. Among the objects placed on the grave, as a last gift for him, I also noticed his lighter, along with a sealed pack of cigarettes of his favorite brand.

I thought back to when Shikamaru had started smoking, right after Master Asuma's death. According to him, that was a way to continue to feel his presence with us.

I would never have thought about it, also because I didn't know how to smoke and I had no intention to start... At that moment, I had an idea.

"Allow me, Master."

I opened the package, took out a cigarette, lit it - with some struggle, I admit, it was not at all easy to turn the lighter wheel with my chubby fingers - and placed it on the grave, then looking at the wisp of smoke rising upwards.

Some of the smell of smoke displaced by the air ended up in my nose. As if by magic, the effect I had hoped for happened.

Thanks to my innate passion for food, from an early age I had learned to distinguish and recognize almost any type of smell, including those coming from inedible things.

And that smell, that stench that I had always found annoying, suddenly brought to mind all the good times spent in the company of Master Asuma. All the missions, all the chats, all the meals he offered me at the BBQ, and that I could never refund him... If only I had concentrated, I could have chosen a memory at random and relived it from start to finish!

I closed my eyes, and the impression of seeing him in front of me became even more real. I squeezed my eyelids and pressed my temples with my fingers, to concentrate as much as possible on his image.

I saw him inhale the smoke from the cigarette I had lit for him, I saw him smile, I saw him greet me by raising his hand. I saw him open his mouth, and I heard his voice!

But... I couldn't understand a word.

Master Asuma was talking to me, but I could hear nothing but the sound of his voice, without really making out any words.

I tried to be satisfied with that.

"Good morning, Master Asum... Ah no, I said it already, sorry. So, first of all... Well, I came here to apologize, for a lot of things. You know, I really, really tried to go on a diet, as you asked me, but it's a task just too out of my reach! When my stomach rumbles, I just can't ignore it!"

Master Asuma shook his head and shrugged, but smiled nonetheless. I liked to think that he still appreciated my efforts.

"Then... On the other request you made... I'm afraid that not even that will ever come true."

My teacher stopped smiling, and looked at me with an expression neither serious nor angry. He knew what I was going to say.

"You asked me to be the strongest ninja there is, but did you hear what they said? I have become a ball and chain for Shikamaru and Ino... Since the day you left us, I... I'm always afraid..."

There.

I was afraid it would have happened.

In addition to the good times, the smell of smoke reminded me of the bad times as well. The last moments of Master Asuma's life passed before my eyes.

And just like then, I couldn't help but cry out loud.

"You don't have to be so hard on yourself, Choji."

Someone put a hand on my shoulder, making my heart skip one beat or even two. I turned slowly, expecting to find myself face to face with the ghost of Master Asuma...

Instead, I only saw none other than Team 7 Master, Kakashi Hatake.

"Sorry. Did I scare you?" he asked, smiling with the only part of his face not covered by his mask.

"M-Master K-Kakashi! W-what are you doing here?"

"I just came to say hello to... a couple of old friends. I'm used to talk to them aloud too, you know?"

"For real?"

Master Kakashi nodded, then put his hands in his pockets and raised his head, to look at the wisp of smoke rising from the cigarette.

"You had a good idea. Inhaling the smell of the smoke just gives the impression that Asuma is still here in front of us, one way or another. We should recommend it to Kurenai too. ...after she completes her pregnancy, of course!"

There was a pause. Maybe Kakashi expected me to join the conversation, to talk about how I couldn't wait for Master Asuma's baby to born, before even knowing if it was a boy or a girl...

Sadly, at that moment my mind had only room for my worries.

"Master Kakashi... Did you hear what I said? T-then, I guess you want to know all..."

"I already know what awaits you. I learned about it last night by chance, in a conversation with Danzo, when I went to ask if there was any work for me. I don't approve of the fact that he gave you such a heavy ultimatum, but I'm sure you will be fine, as you always have. That's what Shikamaru must have told you too, I bet."

I shook my head. To my surprise, Kakashi turned his whole body to stare at me.

"Didn't he encourage you? I never expected this from him..."

"No, it's not like that!"

I jumped to my feet and raised my voice a little.

"Shikamaru didn't tell me anything, because he doesn't know anything about my mission. Neither he, nor Ino, nor my father, nobody. I... I didn't have the courage. I mentioned something to my mom a little while ago, but you're the first person I'm actually opening to, Master Kakashi."

The captain of Team 7 closed his eyes. Or, at least, the uncovered eye.

"You haven't said anything to anyone, because don't you want them to be disappointed in knowing that you may not be a ninja again if you fail the mission. Am I correct?"

"Yes. Yes, that's it."

Master Kakashi pressed his chin between the fingers of one hand, without saying a word.

I know what he's thinking, I told myself. I am a coward who does not even have the guts to deal with the disappointment of his friends and family. Why should I blame him, after all it is the truth!...

"But, right now, you're still a ninja, aren't you?"

Asking me this, Kakashi removed his hand from under his chin and stared back at me. What kind of question was that?

"Yes, in theory I still am... And also in practice..."

"So if you're still a ninja in theory and even in practice, there's no reason for your team to feel disappointed. They will be if you fail the mission, but you don't want that to happen, right? Then, go and bring that criminal to justice, so we'll all be proud of you."

It took me well over a few seconds to follow Master Kakashi's reasoning. But, when I finally got it all figured out, I couldn't help but say aloud what I thought about myself.

"...I'm so stupid."

At that moment the first ray of sunshine came out from behind the mountains.

Master Kakashi and I both raised our heads to look at it: it was the signal, it was time for me to leave.

But it was also too late to go back, get Shikamaru, Dad and Ino out of bed and confess everything.

"You're only a human being, as am I. Now focus on your duties, and don't think about anything else" Master Kakashi said. "...ah, and don't worry. I'll take care of informing your father and the rest of Team 10."

Although I kept cursing myself mentally for my stupid fright, I was still much calmer and heartened to know that he would be the one to talk to them about my situation.

"Thank you... Thank you very much, Master Kakashi."

He simply raised a hand and smiled, then turned around to continue his morning walk.

It was time for me to move too.

But first, I lit another cigarette for Master Asuma and saluted him with a bow.

So, I picked up the duffel bag off the ground, and set off.

"Choji."

I wasn't out of the cemetery yet when I heard Master Kakashi calling me back.

I turned around, but he didn't.

"I wish you the best of luck on the mission, but I also wish you not to lose sight of the most important thing."

"The... most important thing?"

"I don't have to be the one to explain it to you, but nothing prevents me from giving you a little help. What were you really crying for? And why, unlike that of poor Asuma, the tombs of Ino and Shikamaru have not yet been sculpted? Think about it."

Without further ado, he left.

At the moment I did not grasp the meaning of those words, but I promised myself to keep them in mind, and to think again if I felt the need.

...

Arrived under the gates of Konoha, I took a last look behind me.

Finally, I began my journey.