"𝕀'𝕕 𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕕𝕚𝕖 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕀'𝕞 𝕥𝕣𝕪𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕥𝕠 𝕗𝕚𝕘𝕦𝕣𝕖 𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕨𝕙𝕖𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕞𝕖𝕒𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕞𝕦𝕔𝕙 𝕥𝕠 𝕞𝕖 𝕠𝕣 𝕀 𝕞𝕖𝕒𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕝𝕚𝕥𝕥𝕝𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕞𝕪𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕗."

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♬ ᵀᵒᵒ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᵗᵒ ᵃˢᵏ ⁻ ᴺⁱᵃˡˡ ᴴᵒʳᵃⁿ ♬

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Ｍａｓｏｎ

I was pathetic.

Honestly, there was no other word to describe it. I hadn't come out of my room since Nico and I had got back from eating. It was not three am and yet here was, wide awake, simply staring at my ceiling. Why wasn't I asleep? Because like I said, I was pathetic. I hadn't moved from my bed and to be quite honest, I really had to pee.

God, I'm such a loser. Sitting here crying over a boy who doesn't give two shits about me. I sounded like a damn broken record.

'Alex is such an ass.'

'Alex doesn't care about me.'

'I should have expected it from him.'

Blah, blah, blah. When the hell did I become this girl? The girl who cried about a freaking boy. And yes, I mean boy because men don't play these games. They don't kiss people and then ignore them, and then go on a date with another girl. A man wouldn't talk to me the way Alex did. I could sit here and blame him all I wanted but really, I was the one sitting here letting him do it. I allowed him to treat me like shit time and time again and then turn around and pretend like it never happened. I mean, sure, I'd yelled at him about it but that was it. I just let it go. I let him think that it was okay to treat me the way he did and I'd just pretend like it never happened because he was nice to me for all of five minutes.

This had to stop. I couldn't keep doing this back and forth crap with him. I was over feeling like this and allowing myself to be treated like shit. I deserved better. I wasn't going to allow myself to be one of those girls who lets the guy she likes to treat her like a piece of dirt but always forgive him like he never did anything wrong.

Fuck that and fuck Alex. Starting right now, I wasn't going to put up with his antics anymore. It was my turn to ignore him and act as if he didn't exist; which, I'll admit will be difficult because let's be honest, he's really pretty. But a pretty face doesn't mean a pretty heart.

Plus, I have Luke. Luke who is actually nice to me. Yeah, Luke doesn't treat me like shit. He doesn't say mean and hurtful things to me; granted we've only been on one date but still, Alex had been a jerk since the day we met whereas Luke had been kind.

You know what, I'm going to text Luke and see if he wants to hang out tonight. I grabbed my phone, excitement filling me. My eyes immediately shut as the screen lit up. I swear, it must've blinded me slightly. After blinking a few times, my eyes were finally able to adjust, reading the time. Okay, so maybe texting Luke at four in the morning wasn't the smartest decision. Sliding my finger across the screen, my favorite picture of my Dad and I. We were at his work, standing in the garage with a jacked up car behind us. He was wearing his deep blue. grease-stained coveralls with his name printed in cursive right over his heart along with his ratty work boots that smelled absolutely horrendous. He had an award-winning smile stretched over his mouth with his arm slung around my shoulders. I stood nearly a head shorter than him in my very own grease-stained coveralls. I was ten years old.

It was my birthday and I had been begging my Dad for an outfit just like his. I can remember how excited I was when I opened them. I couldn't contain the squeal that left my lips as I opened the box. Dad had rubbed grease over them so that they looked like his, just as I had asked. My name was printed just like his. To this day, they were and will always be the best gift I ever received. I know it's slightly odd for a ten-year-old girl to be so excited about grease covered coveralls but I wanted nothing more but to be like my Dad. He was and still is my hero.

I bit my lip as tears started building in my eyes. I missed him so fucking much. Just being around him and spending time working on cars in the garage. Or going out to eat burgers and fries every Friday because to be quite honest, he was a shit cook. The poor man couldn't even make toast without burning it, so, for the most part, we ate out and if we did eat at home, I was the one who'd cook. By now, I was full on crying. For the most part, I could push away the impending sadness that always seemed to loom over me whenever I was alone. I liked to keep busy because if I was focused on something else, then I wasn't sitting there, just thinking about how much I missed my Dad or the fact that I wouldn't ever see him again.

Death was a hard concept and I don't mean hard as in, hard to deal with; which obviously it was but I mean just the whole fact that one minute someone could be there and then the next minute they could be gone, forever. It's hard to get your mind to wrap around the fact that a person that you love and care about is just gone. It makes you question everything like is there really a heaven and hell or do you just wrought six feet under? And if there is a heaven and hell, how is it determined on if you even get to go to heaven and if you do get to heaven, how do you know if your loved one is there too and if they are, how do you find them? Or are they waiting there for you when you get there? I mean, I'd like to believe that there was a heaven and that I'd make it there and I'd be able to see my Dad because I know he's there if there really is one.

Also, if he is in heaven, is he watching down on me? Can he see me? Is he disappointed in the person I'm becoming? I never, in a million years ever want to let my father down, whether he's here on earth or if he is actually up in heaven watching over me.

Sighing, I threw my covers back and swung my legs over the side of the bed. There was no way in hell I was going to be able to sleep and honestly, at this point, it was kind of pointless. My alarm was going to go off soon and falling asleep now was just going to make me more exhausted than I would be if I just stayed up. Goosebumps ran up my legs as my feet touched the cold wooden floors. I raised my arms above my head, clasping my hands together, cringing slightly as my body cracked as I stretched.

I pulled open my door quietly, making sure to walk on my tiptoes, I'll admit that I'm quite proud of myself for the lack of noise I made, especially down the stairs. I found my way, nearly stubbing my toe multiple times on the way. It was dark still and I didn't want to turn on any lights and risk anyone waking up. I did, however, decided to turn on a small light in the kitchen so that I could find something to eat. I was hungry and wasn't really in the mood to see anyone else. Then again, when was I?

I settled with a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. By the time I had poured my milk, the sun was rising. Shutting off the light that I had turned on, I walked myself over to the table and sat in my usual spot. I had only taken a few bites when someone stumbled into the kitchen. I stayed quiet as I watched a familiar brunette dressed in only a t-shirt make her way towards the cabinets. Once she found what she was looking for which happened to be a glass, she walked to the fridge and filled it to the brim with water.

I know what I said earlier about not letting Alex get to me and all that confident shit but I hadn't expected to see Iris walking through the kitchen at five in the morning wearing only Alex's shirt. I didn't know what to do honestly. My chest hurt and I felt the urge to cry. I was so sick of crying over him but I could seem to help myself. She was completely oblivious to the fact that I was sitting at the table, a shell shocked look on my face, holding a spoon full of cereal in mid-air. I was afraid to move if I'm being completely honest. At this point, I would just like a complete and utter creep sitting in the dark, eating cereal and watching her. I should've cleared my throat or something when she came in.

The sound of bare feet padding on the floor made my head snap to the doorway. Of. Fucking. Course. Alex walked into the kitchen in nothing but a tight pair of boxer briefs.

Lord have mercy.

I was frozen as he walked over to an unaware Iris who still had her back facing me. Alex wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her shoulder causing her to squeal. Setting down her now empty glass, she turned around a smile on her face. "You're such an ass." She laughed.

"Sorry, I just couldn't help myself." He muttered, bending to kiss the side of her neck.

There's no way in fucking hell this was happening to me right now. I really should make myself known before anything else happens but I couldn't bring myself to speak up or even make a noise. So instead, I sat there as they began kissing. It was wrong, this was all wrong. I shouldn't just be sitting here watching this but all I could think about when he grabbed her thighs and lifted her onto the counter was how he had kissed me like that and what it felt like. How he made me feel when he kissed me and here I was watching as he kissed another just the same. Like I never mattered, truth be told, I don't think I ever did.

I hadn't realized I was crying until I felt a tear hit my lip. I licked it away, finally setting down my spoon as quietly as I could manage. Thankfully, I hadn't scooted my chair all the way in which made it easy for me to get up without making a sound. Not that I'm sure they would even notice at this point. They were in a full-blown make-out session with her hands in his hair while he slowly crept up her thighs. I held my breath until I made it to the hallway, leaning against the wall just outside the kitchen.

Resting my head against the wall, I gnawed on the inside of my cheek doing everything possible to stay quiet as tears continuously streamed down my face. Why could I not care? Why couldn't I for once, do what I said. Why couldn't I be strong and say fuck him?

Because, as I said before, I was a pathetic loser.

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authors note,

hello! how are you all? 

Yay for me not taking another year to update, even though I'm not so sure I'm too proud of this one. Not to mention that it's another frustrating and sad one. 

I still hope you like it, however. 

Also, I'd like to apologize because this isn't edited whatsoever. Usually, I'll skim over it and fix what I see at first glance because I plan on going back after the entire book is finished and doing a mass edit but it's currently 2 o'clock in the morning and my kids are no doubt going to be up at 7, if not earlier. So please forgive me for the mistakes!

Once again, thank you all so very much for reading, commenting and voting.

M.