Dear World,

I try to be an open person. I try to be optimistic. But there is so much that I keep hidden. I put up a face of innocence and extreme niceness, but it's all a mask.

Okay, not entirely a mask. I used to be this way, so positive and full of light and innocence. I saw the best in absolutely everyone and no thoughts of negative gossip came into my mind. I didn't ever curse no matter how much the people around me did.

Then my world changed. My best friend betrayed me. Now I don't trust people as much. I let people think that we're still friends even though I only think of us as acquaintances.

I used to be pure of mind. I didn't think anything bad about anyone. I was so accepting. Now I am judgemental, even if I keep it in my head. I think awful, rude, mean thoughts, but I daren't say them aloud.

I make my friends and family think I'm at least somewhat normal. And least when it comes to sexuality. They all know I'm pansexual, but I still hide so much. I'm afraid to tell my mom I'm polyamorous. I can't bring myself to tell anyone that I do have kinks. I can't bring myself to tell anyone what they are.

I can't bring myself to tell anyone my dreams. Not what I want to do or be dreams, but what I dream at night. How most people would consider them nightmares but they're my favorite dreams that I want to repeat or continue.

I don't hide my crazy. I exaggerate some of it to blend in or because of a story they told me about a different friend. I hide some of my crazy completely, I can't let them see. Nightmares are my favorite dreams.

I'm broken. I try to cover it, to hide it, but the cracks run too deep. In November too many people I know or friends' family died. A decently close friend killed himself. For a couple weeks beforehand he seemed fine, like he was at an up. Less than a week before he died I told him "you're not allowed to kill yourself, because I'll miss you too much if you do." We were having fun and joking around. At school I still expect to pass by him in the hall and call out his name for him not to hear me.

I now wear masks on makeup, trying to cover up the scars and cracks. I become what I need to be to fit in a given situation. I am now only truly myself when I am alone and in my thoughts.

I want to go back to what I was so I wear masks on makeup. I want my innocence. I want to believe that there is good. I want to be good again.

I can't go back. And it kills me. But maybe I don't want to change.

Love,

@KittyDitzyDancr