By some miracle, Grandad began to make a bit of a comeback. 

Sure, he'd lost quite a bit of weight and his natural bronze complexion had taken on a pale tint that didn't suit him. The nausea had subsided, though, and he regained a bit of his natural spark. Some of that Spartan fire had returned, and the dullness had faded from his eyes. 

True to form, he started reading the sci-fi and western novels he loved so much. Mom didn't even fuss when Grandad and I sat in the family room and binge-watched the Star Wars trilogy together. Just him and me.

Because it was rated PG, Mom couldn't object to it even though she hated fiction stories with a passion. Instead, she read a philosophy book on her own in the living room. A gentle smile tugged at her lips. Perhaps it was a sign that she enjoyed seeing the bear return in full force.

"What would you like for your birthday?" asked Grandad during a commercial break. "Only two weeks away now."

"I'd like to see you there," I said in all honesty. "Happy and healthy."

"Yes, of course I'll be there. But what would you like to open?"

"Can it be a gift card? I'd love to get a German book."

"No, it has to be an actual physical present," he said, "Eighteen is an important birthday. I'd like to get you something special that you can use and always think of us when you're at college." 

That's a firm stance. All right...

Asking for things always made me feel a bit self-conscious. My grandparents didn't have a huge amount of money coming in, especially with Grandad's recent illness. They had a decent pension and Social Security, but they also had a small mortgage. 

It cost a lot of money to raise a kid, especially because they'd chosen a Catholic school. Private schools cost about three thousand a year. Just for high school. 

I didn't want to cause them even more stress by asking for things. Since I hadn't been eating much, I'd put quite a bit of money to one side, allowing me to buy my own books.

"I'd really love one of two things," I said with a shy smile. "But they're a bit expensive, though."

"We'll make an exception this year."

Staring at my hands, I said, "I don't know. I feel kind of guilty."

"Anything under two hundred bucks," he said. "Ask for it, and it's yours. As long as it's safe and healthy."

Wow, that's a carte blanche.

Don't take advantage, Jess.

"I'd love to get contacts," I said, readjusting my glasses. "I haven't had a change of prescription now for two years, so my eyes have settled down enough for that."

"That's a really good idea." Grandad cupped his mouth in thought. "Anything else?"

"A cell phone so that I can keep in touch while I'm in college," I said. "It's also good for an emergency, like if you need a taxi or something, or for meeting friends."

"You know, that's not half-bad either."

"Finally I have some good ideas." I grinned. "Usually I have no idea what the heck I want."

"I'll talk to your grandmother and see what we can manage," he said in a gruff whisper as a faint smile curled his lips. "Maybe she won't kick up a fuss now that I'm old and sick."

"Oh, stop it! You'll be fine."

He nodded. "Haven't kicked the bucket yet."

Leave it to Grandad to have a dark sense of humor.

"If you can't get either of those, it might be good to have some money for books or to go towards a new computer for college?" I suggested with a shrug.

"We'll do that anyway," he replied.

My eyes bugged. "Wait, what?" 

"Jess, you're going off to college," he said, his face brimming with pride. "We'll pay for your books, a new desktop, and all the bits and bobs you need for your room."

"Oh, gosh! I couldn't possibly ask you to do that."

"Jess Maria Sophia, you will let us help you out, do you understand?" he said in that gruff, powerful voice that brokered no argument. 

Man, I missed that. A smile brushed across my face.

"Thank you, Grandad."

"Don't thank me," he said with a wink. "Haven't done it yet."

I chuckled. 

"So what kind of a party would you like?" he asked.

"Oh, nothing big." I waved a casual hand, including Care's grandparents in the invitations. "You and Mom, Care, and Yaya and Pappous."

"Maybe Chuck can get his ass in gear and make it this time," he growled. "Can't believe he missed your sixteenth."

"If he can, great. If not, that's fine." I shrugged. "It's just another year."

"No, it isn't a typical one. Eighteen means you're a young lady who can make her own decisions." He leaned towards me with a conspiratorial whisper. "You know what that means, right?"

"What?"

"No more annoying Grandad patrolling the Internet for you," he said before his smile morphed into a worried frown. "Just be careful. I don't want anything to happen to you when I'm gone."

"Don't even joke about that!"

My distress revealed itself as anger and he gave me a chuckle. "It's just a figure of speech."

You're damn right it is. And you better keep it that way. For a long time.

"Grandad?"

"Yeah?"

"That means I can chat to my school friends, right?"

He sighed. "Yep, just don't give out any personal information to strangers. Okay?"

"Deal." I paused. "Do I have to wait for my birthday? Or can I start today?"

Giving me a critical appraisal, he sighed. "Well, as long as you promise not to talk to strangers..."

My stomach churned. "Well, I don't know them super well. But it's just for research."

"For school?"

Meh.

"For a project I'm working on," I said with a nod. 

Okay, a little white lie never hurt anyone, right? 

"What's your project about?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat and opted for honesty, relying on the fact that they probably wouldn't understand anyway. "I'm researching asexuality."

He nodded. "Biology, right?"

Close enough.

"Right." My response came across a bit terse, so I added, "It's a complex issue, so it's really important that I discuss it with them."

"Well, I suppose that's all right." He gave a thoughtful frown. "If I can help, let me know."

"Absolutely."

"Hey, remember when I used to give you physics lessons?" he asked with a dreamy smile.

"Yeah, you'd draw little pictures on napkins."

"You were always such a bright, curious kid." He stared at the screen, but I could hear the warmth in his tone. "I'm proud of you, Jess. You can be anything you put your mind to."

My eyes welled up against my will, and a traitorous tear dropped. I didn't even know why. Perhaps his genuine words touched me because he didn't say it all the time like Mom.

"Thanks, Grandad."

We stopped talking when the movie returned just as Obi-Wan Kenobi faced Darth Vader.

Once our movies finished, I hurried to the computer. Now that Grandad had given me official permission to chat, I had to tell Care. I logged on to the distinctive notification of "You've Got Mail." 

No, I didn't have mail. I had about eight hundred pieces of spam.

Jesus! This is getting out of hand.

Checking my friends list, I noticed Care had signed on to AOL as well. I opened up my first chat window, feeling as free as a bird.

Finally! This is happening! Ahhh!

CelibateForLife: hey, Care!

Little_Linguist: omgggggggggg Jesssssssss!

Little_Linguist: You're aliveeeeeeeeee!

CelibateForLife: yeah, I am! lol

Little_Linguist: you're chattinggggggggggggggg

Online Care tended to be way more outgoing and enthusiastic than real-life Care. I loved both sides of her, but the manic one made me smile and giggle more.

CelibateForLife: Grandad told me I could chat with friends now.

Little_Linguist: omggggggg yaaaaaaaaaay!!! 

Little_Linguist: welcome to the 21st century (almost).

CelibateForLife: ty

Little_Linguist: hey, does that mean all friends? 

Little_Linguist: as in a certain other friend? ;)

CelibateForLife: what friend?

Little_Linguist: heh heh heh you fox. 

Little_Linguist: you know what friend. 

Little_Linguist: our mutual friend. ;) ;) ;)

CelibateForLife: you mean...

Little_Linguist: he who must not be named! lol 

Little_Linguist: and I don't mean voldemort

CelibateForLife: who?

Little_Linguist: dude get with the program and read harry potter! jesus murphy!

CelibateForLife: you know how it is...everyone loves it. 

CelibateForLife: means I can't read it now

Little_Linguist: I'm gonna kick your ass, dude!

CelibateForLife: all right, all right, what's his screen name?

Little_Linguist: yayyyyyy okay here it is. 

Little_Linguist: add him to your list

CelibateForLife: okay, enough suspense.

CelibateForLife: tell me already

CelibateForLife: you drama queen!

Little_Linguist: he's got a new name

Little_Linguist: changed it from last year

CelibateForLife: oh, that's why he never shows up on my friends list

Little_Linguist: right

Little_Linguist: so his new name is

Little_Linguist: AceofClubs

My jaw dropped. I stared at her message for what seemed like ages until she started frantically messaging me.

Little_Linguist: go ahead add him

Little_Linguist: are you talking to him?

Little_Linguist: yoo hoo

Little_Linguist: oh, little lovebiiiiiiirds!

Little_Linguist: shall I leave you two alone?

CelibateForLife: his name is AceofClubs?

Little_Linguist: uh, yeah. why?

CelibateForLife: are you sure?

Little_Linguist: why are you being weird?

Little_Linguist: I mean weirder than usual? :-P

CelibateForLife: a guy named AceofClubs has been commenting on my blog!

My heart thudded against my ribs. It had to be him. How could I have been so stupid? Frantic, I opened another window and checked out my blog. Of course! When I read his comments, I could just imagine him saying every word in his deep, rich baritone.

Oh, gosh! I'd talked so openly with him about crushes and sexual attraction. Sure, he didn't know for a fact that I'd meant him, but it also wouldn't have required a huge leap for him to guess. Which meant he knew!

Damn it!

Little_Linguist: oh yeah

Little_Linguist: he said you had a blog

Little_Linguist: haven't had the chance to check it out yet

CelibateForLife: he knew it was ME?

CelibateForLife: and he didn't SAY anything?

Anger rose like boiling lava in my veins. The little bastard! How dare he?

Little_Linguist: in his defense

Little_Linguist: you did use the same screen name on AOL and LiveDiary

Little_Linguist: so you weren't exactly in stealth mode

CelibateForLife: how did he even know my new AOL screen name? >:(

Little_Linguist: uh, yeah

Little_Linguist: about that...

CelibateForLife: CAROLYN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Little_Linguist: I'm sorry!!!!

Little_Linguist: I just thought you guys might want to patch things up.

Little_Linguist: When you went off to college.

CelibateForLife: that's no excuse!

CelibateForLife: you should have asked me first

Little_Linguist: you're right. I'm sorry.

Little_Linguist: really, I am. *puppy dog eyes*

CelibateForLife: ughhhhhhh

CelibateForLife: it's okay this time, I guess. 

CelibateForLife: but don't do it again!!!

Little_Linguist: I swear! I won't! :-O

CelibateForLife: what if he'd messaged me when Mom was here? >:(

Little_Linguist: exactly, which is why he didn't let on who he was.

CelibateForLife: ugh. I hate it when you're right!!!

CelibateForLife: I'm stillp issed.

CelibateForLife: *pissed

Little_Linguist: are you alone?

CelibateForLife: yeah I'm alone!

All I thought was: Care had better tread carefully. Even though I loved her, I was this close to putting her down on my shit list.

Little_Linguist: Eric didn't want to get you in trouble

Little_Linguist: like last time

Little_Linguist: like, if your grandparents knew it was him

Little_Linguist: you'd probably be web banned for life

CelibateForLife: oh, my god! okay fine!

CelibateForLife: but you don't understand!

Little_Linguist: what?

CelibateForLife: I am so embarrassed!

Little_Linguist: why?

Little_Linguist: what's the matter?

CelibateForLife: I said things! Thinking it was anonymous.

Little_Linguist: did you admit to liking my little pony as a kid?

Little_Linguist: or your crush on mr rogers?

CelibateForLife: I'm serious!!!!!!!!!!!

Little_Linguist: sorry, was just trying to lighten the mood.

CelibateForLife: I never had a crush on Mr Rogers!!!!!

CelibateForLife: It was on Doc Brown!!!!!

Little_Linguist: that's what you took from that?

CelibateForLife: jeez louise! :((((((( Mr Rogers!

Little_Linguist: hey, mr rogers is cool.

Little_Linguist: anyway what did you do that was so bad?

CelibateForLife: I talked about my crushes

CelibateForLife: and sexual attraction and asexuality

CelibateForLife: and the fact that I didn't know if I was asexual

Little_Linguist: well did you mention him or anyone else by name?

CelibateForLife: NO!!!

Little_Linguist: well, then. *shrug* not super embarrassing

CelibateForLife: seriously? Care, I LIKE HIM!

Little_Linguist: OMG YOU ADMITTED IT!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYYY! :D :D :D 

CelibateForLife: Carolyn! Focus! 

CelibateForLife: I'm pissed because the guy I like knows my secrets!

Little_Linguist: I know. :( I'm sorry. Really I am.

Little_Linguist: but you do know who we're talking about, right?

Little_Linguist: dude is like the most rational kid I know

Little_Linguist: I can talk to him about anything

Little_Linguist: he's a great friend. not judgmental and crap

Little_Linguist: just addddddddd himmmmmmmm, will ya?

She did make a valid point. Shame on me for using the same username on AOL as I did on the blog. All Eric would have to do was type it into the search bar with no spaces and find me without any trouble at all.

CelibateForLife: okay

CelibateForLife: maybe

CelibateForLife: I need to think about it.

Little_Linguist: I might have accidentally slipped and told him that you were online.

CelibateForLife: WHAT????

Little_Linguist: I did it a few minutes ago.

Little_Linguist: you know? before you went all hulk smash on me.

CelibateForLife: I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR BUTT!

Little_Linguist: cut it out, godzilla!

Little_Linguist: I'll make it up to you over Mario tomorrow.

CelibateForLife: ughhhhhhhhh

CelibateForLife: why do I put up with you?

Little_Linguist: cause you love me :D :D :D

CelibateForLife: now I'm starting to realize why sisters hate each other

Little_Linguist: good to see you all feisty again

Little_Linguist: rawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

CelibateForLife: lolololol you weirdo, I'm gonna kick your asssssss!

Little_Linguist: love ya, sis!

Little_Linguist: byeeeeeeee

She signed off before I could offer any riposte. Taking a deep breath, I waited for an instant message that never came.

But something else did.

"You've got mail."

For once it wasn't spam.

______________________________

From: <[email protected]>

Date: Saturday, March 13, 1999 11:33 PM

To: <[email protected]> 

Subject: Types of Attraction (Biology Project)

Hi Jess,

Hope you can forgive me for everything.

Care had told me you were struggling. Don't get mad at her. I pressed her because she can't conceal her concern for you at all. It was my idea—my fault, if you will—to check out your blog and make sure you weren't taking a turn for the worse.

We care about you.

Perhaps I shouldn't have read it without asking. If I've hurt or angered you in any way, I do apologize. But I assumed anything you posted online was fair game for me to read.

Please forgive me if I got it wrong.

If you recall, we discussed the different types of attraction, so I've sent an attachment with the information I found. As you can see, there are six levels of attraction, but only sexuals experience the last one.

I hope this helps with your project. If you want to chat about it some more, I'd be more than happy to discuss after I finish writing my paper this weekend.

Best,

E

______________________________

After reading his words, I couldn't handle the kaleidoscope of emotions that flooded me. Anger fueled by embarrassment. Gratitude for his in-depth explanation. Confusion over his formal tone. Until it struck me. He'd adopted that voice in case my family had found the email.

Most of all, a flurry of butterflies erupted in my stomach when he said: We care about you.

But how did Eric care about me? As a friend? A friend of Care's? Or something more?

Stop reading too much into his words. He wants to make sure you aren't depressed.

But he did care about me in some way. Still. After all this time.

He'd probably met hundreds of girls since graduation. In fact, he could be dating right now. But it gladdened my spirits to know that Eric hadn't forgotten about me.

It gave me a warm glow in my heart.

The clock struck twelve. Midnight. I didn't have time to answer his email tonight. Too risky. If I stayed up too late, Mom might come down and ask me what I was doing. 

As I sank into my bed, I imagined Eric spooning me from behind and wrapping his thin arms around me. Pressing me close to his warm body.

I felt so cherished. Warm fuzzies cascaded down my body. 

Even if I was asexual, what did that mean?