I don't know how long it has been, all I know is that it's been quite a while since I walked back in my room and sat on the bed as I broke down into tears.

I don't know why but no matter how much I tried to stop myself from crying, I just couldn't... instead I cried more and more. Whatever this was, it felt worse than suffocation, at least you suffocate for a while and then die and the pain is gone, but this doesn't just end, it keeps on going on and on. My head feels so heavy from overthinking everything, I want to hit myself for behaving this way, I want to throw my brain out if that could help me not overthink. There's a knock at the door of my room, I try to stop crying but the tears don't listen to me and within a few moments, Arnav is standing in front of me. "Hey Khushi, what happened?"

"I need to be alone please Arnav, leave me alone"
"But Khushi you're crying, how do you expect me to leave you alone? Talk to me, I'm sure you'll feel better"
"Arnav don't you get it when I say it once, I need to be damn alone!" I shout angrily as I stand up and push him out of my room.

I lock myself inside and jump on the bed as I cover myself with the blanket. No one would ever understand what this feels like, the feeling of being lonely, being empty from the inside, the feeling of not being confident about yourself, the feeling of being inferior than everyone else, the feeling of being scared of losing what's yours, it's worse than everything else. I wake up when I hear a knock at the door, I have no idea how long I've been sleeping. "Khushi open the door, we have to visit the doctor" I don't say anything, I don't think any doctor could help me, I just went there yesterday but things dint change even a bit, they became worse instead. I want to be alone, in this room until this pain ends, until this tears stop rolling down my eyes for no reason, I want to stop feeling this damn way! I throw things angrily and punch the bed but it doesn't make me feel any better, I'm drowning in my own thoughts and it's too painful, I think I'm going to get mad, I'll become crazy and everyone would laugh at me. "Khushi" "Leave me alone Arnav!" I shout angrily. I don't hear him say anything after that, as much as I expected him to leave, I also wanted him to stay and be adamant on not leaving, I wanted him to care for me once, to tell me that he loved me no matter what, I wanted him to show me he cared but he just left. Again the overthinking began, I couldn't understand a thing, I was becoming negative about everything and it was hurting so bad. It felt like this was the end of my life, I wasn't expecting anything anymore from anyone. It feels as if my existence has no meaning anymore, everything in my mind is just negative. 

I dint realize when I fell asleep again but this time when I wake up, I find Arnav in my room, I have no idea how he got in but the open window tells me about it. I sit up and look at him trying to smile, he just stares at me blankly and it hurts me, everything hurts me. "What's wrong Khushi?" "I feel like death would be better than feeling this way, what else could be wrong Arnav?" "You have to be calm, I'm taking you to the doctor, it will take time but it will heal, trust me, just try for once" "Do you think I like feeling this way Arnav? Do you think it's easy? I'm just sited here crying for no reason and at times for stupid reasons. I can't explain and you won't understand so just let it be" "Talk to me Khushi, I'll always understand you" "What do I talk about Arnav? That even though I know how much you love me I fear that someday you might stop loving me? Or that I feel like I'll get crazy and the world would look at me in a different way. Or that at times I'm so lonely despite of having all this friends and when I see anyone else with their group of friend or I see you with your friends I become envious, I feel like I wish I had a life like yours. What do you want me to explain Arnav? That I have some random stupid thoughts which I shouldn't be having because they are stupid and I can do nothing about it. Or tell you how miserable I feel because every time I find myself comparing my life with those of others and realize that I've only been pretending to have a perfect life all this days but what I really had was a shitty life. How do you want me to tell you that when I see other girls like me doing so much in life I pity myself, I feel like why couldn't I be like them? Here I am doing this nine to five job with a good pay but I can't do something big like them? When girls of my age are out there studying trying to make a bigger career I'm just here working like a machine, some are becoming engineers, architects and what not and I'm just here being what I am, and it wasn't because it was my choice, it was because I dint have any other choice apart from this. How do you want me to tell you when I step out in front of your friends knowing they are far more ahead in life than me, I fear that they'll judge me. They'll look at me like I'm someone inferior, not only your friends but everyone else too. Everything is terrible Arnav and no matter how long I talk and try to explain, my problems will never come to an end and I'm not saying they're big, I know some are just my stupid random thoughts but the problem is that it's not been letting me be at peace. Every time I look at myself, I don't feel proud, I don't feel beautiful enough, I don't feel qualified enough. I just had a crush on you, why did you say you loved me? Don't you think it would have been better if we were just friends, look at you Arnav and look at me, you're far ahead in life and I'm so behind I feel like I'm a misfit in your life. I'll never be able to be good enough, I'll never be prettier than all those girlfriends you have and I'm scared, I'm scared to death that someday you'll find someone better than me. I look at myself and wonder how I even managed to make you fall in love with me when I no more love anything about myself. You know I've never felt so bad about myself, there was I time I used to look at the mirror and feel so beautiful and now there's this time, I look in the mirror and not like what I see, I'm scared of stepping out of the house thinking how would people look at me, and how they'll treat me. I look at my own friends and feel jealous, why wasn't I as beautiful as them? Why am I the ugly friend in the group? All I've been thinking about is what I lack, ambition, a great career, a perfect family, a great body, a beautiful face, this and that and what not. And I'm tired Arnav, I know all this is stupid, it's very stupid and I did all I could not to think about it but the thoughts wouldn't just leave my mind. I feel envious of you and of Lavanya and everyone else, I feel like why can't I have a life like yours or like her's or like Ishaana's and Rehan's. You see, it's all stupid, it's all nonsense and I'm just tired of overthinking about all that. All this days I've been wondering why I felt sad for no reason, now I know it wasn't because there wasn't a reason, there were a hundreds of reasons, I just dint want to accept them, I dint want to tell you about them because I wondered what you'd think of me, I thought you'd laugh at me because I was being stupid, and I was envying you and envying everyone else. All this while I've been wearing a mask, I've been wearing a mask from myself and everyone else, I dint want to accept this and I dint want anyone else to notice it but now the mask has fallen off, I can no more hide my problem Arnav, my mask is gone! You have no idea what it's like to smile in front of everyone else and show them how perfect your life is when in real you just want to break down, you want to let the mask you're wearing fall of so everyone can really see how unhappy you are." "You've been keeping all this inside and hurting yourself all this time Khushi? You could have talked to me at least once, I wasn't going to judge you. I don't care what other people think of you as long as I love you, I don't care if you have ambitions or not, and how could you say you weren't beautiful, for me you are and to top it that you have a beautiful heart, you're beautiful on the inside and that's what matters" "Don't tell me that inner beauty is more important than outer beauty, because in this society it isn't. No one give you a chance to see if you're beautiful on the inside if you aren't on the outside. What do you think Arnav? I like all this? I knew I was depressed, I heard when you were talking with the doctor and that scared me more than I was, I was scared that I wasn't going to be the same anymore, people would look at me with pity now, they would judge you for having a girlfriend like me so don't spoil your life, leave me on my own, I'll be okay just end it here, I'll never be able to fit in your life, I'll never be able to have standards as high as yours and that scares me. I don't want to feel like I'm in a competition when there's no one to compete with even, I just know society will judge me, and I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of not feeling good about myself, I just want to go away from here, I want to go to a place where I'll have a job even if the pay is less, I'll have a life where I won't be scared of getting judged anymore, where I'll feel perfect about myself and confident enough, I just want to be happy." "Does that mean you aren't happy with me Khushi?" "I am Arnav, it's not about you, it's about me, my depression will spoil your life and I don't want you to spoil it because of me. I know I've talked a lot of stupid things, I'm sorry if I pointed a finger at you but just understand, I'm stupid right now and I can't make sense about anything, so please leave me on my own. Let's end it here, I'm breaking up with you and I don't want to see either you or Lavanya in my apartment in the next half an hour" "Khushi!" I walk away, I don't walk, I run because I don't want to face him, I don't want to talk to him, I just want to be alone, and not answer questions anymore.