Part 4

This time, I find Arnav sited next to me holding my hand in his when I wake up, I stare at him and he stares back at me, his eyes turning red, I can't believe he's got tears in his eyes, tears for me. It makes me feel worse, how could I have made him feel like this? What was I doing? Why was I just being such a horrible person? If I wasn't happy myself, at least I should keep him happy. "I'm sorry I got angry on you Khushi but please try to understand, you have been behaving strange lately, you don't want to go out with us, when you're with us you are lost or something and today you did the worst thing you'd ever do. Please promise me that next time you won't try to do anything of such sort, remember I love you a lot, and I'll always be there for you no matter what okay?" "I promise I won't repeat this" I say as I hold his hand tighter. "Anyway the doctor said we can take you home in a while, Ishaana and Rehan are completing the formalities, and Lavanya and I have decided to stay with you at your place until you get better" "What about the Goa plan? You guys should seriously go" "We aren't going anywhere without you Khushi" "Fine then I'll also come" "Well I would have been happy if you told me that before you did this to yourself but no more plans for now, all you need is rest" I nod as he stands up and holds me in his arms, nothing ever felt better than this, nothing ever felt so peaceful than being in his arms, it felt safe. I feel tears running down my eyes as he breaks the hug and looks at me worriedly. I dint want to cry, I dint even know I was going to cry it just happened so suddenly I couldn't do anything about it. "Hey, what's wrong Khushi?" he asks as he cups my face. I hold him back and hug him tight as I completely break down, this feeling of emptiness inside me is killing me, I don't know what's with me, I don't know why I end up feeling sad about every little thing, I don't know why things aren't the way they used to be, all I know is that lately I haven't been feeling good and maybe I do know the reason behind it or maybe I don't. "Khushi are you okay? You're getting me worried, what's wrong babe?" he asks as he looks at me. "I don't know Arnav, I don't know what's wrong with me" "Or maybe you don't want to tell me?" "It's not that... it's just that I'm scared, I don't know about what, I don't feel a thing and I feel everything... do you get what I'm trying to say. There's this feeling that makes me feel so numb and vulnerable, like I'm breaking from inside and its terrible Arnav, it's really terrible." "Any reason why you're feeling this way?" "I don't know" "Or maybe you know it and you don't want to accept it's the reason?" "Or maybe there's actually no reason to it? I'm trying to explain things to you and you're just making it hard for me, let it be I'm fine the way I am." I push him away from me and he just looks at me in complete disbelief. "So now you've also become short tempered, I was just worried about you and was trying to help you, that's it Cookie" "And I don't need any help, let it be Arnav, if the formalities are done just take me home, I don't like being here" "Cookie!" "If you can't even do that for me, I'll help myself" I say as I try to stand up but he rushes towards me and stops me. "I'll check on Rehan guys, they must be done with the formalities, I'll take you home as soon as I can but don't stress yourself, just sit here, I'll come to take you when everything is ready" I nod as he walks away, as much as I hate myself for getting irritated so easily, I don't understand why I am actually behaving this way.
"You and Lavanya can stay in any room you like, I need some rest so I'm off to sleep" I say as I walk away. "What's wrong with her?" I hear Lavanya ask Arnav so I step back and hide myself behind the wall trying to over hear their conversation. "Is anything wrong between you both Arnav? I mean first she hurts herself and now she's behaving so strange, this is so unlike of her" Lavanya says "That's what I don't get Lavanya, everything is well between us, but I don't know why she's behaving this way, I even asked her but she just got irritated" I walk to my room no more interested to listen to their conversation, because whatever they're saying is true, and I don't like it being true, I don't like myself being like this. I sit on my bed silently as I stare at it, I just sit like that for minutes wondering why things are like this... wondering what I'd do without Arnav in my life... wondering what would happen if some day he decided to leave me. I don't like the thought, I don't like it at all and I try brushing it of my mind but it doesn't go away... I lie flat on the bed and stare at the ceiling, I try to divert my mind but I can't, and then there's this flood of thoughts that doesn't let me sleep.
I walk out of my room and head towards the kitchen, the hall is empty which means Arnav and Lavanya are in their rooms, it's good anyway she wanted to be alone. I make myself some coffee and settle down with it on the couch, I switch on the TV and keep the volume to the minimum. "Cookie" Arnav waves his hand in front of my face. I look at him wondering when he came here and he looks at me with so much of worry. "The coffee is cold, should I make you another one?" he asks I touch the cup and feel it, it's actually cold, I dint even realize that I was lost, lost in what? And lost for so long until the coffee got cold? What's up with me? "I thought you were going to sleep, what happened?" "I couldn't sleep, so I came here to watch TV" "And all you could watch was cartoons?" Arnav giggles at me. I look at the TV in surprise realizing that I dint even know which channel I was watching. He bends over my lap and takes the remote from the other side as he changes the channel. He sits next to me watching news while I sit silently not knowing what to do. "Isn't it weird that today you aren't complaining about me watching boring news? Neither are you telling me to let you watch your romantic movies?" "I was just being nice to you now that you're my boyfriend" I smile as I stand up and head to the kitchen, I pour the coffee in the sink as I wash the cup and put it back in place then walk back to Arnav. "So if I wasn't your boyfriend you wouldn't let me watch the news?" "Never, I'm just being nice today, from tomorrow we are going to fight over the channels once again." "You know at times you scare me off, like you were so strange a while back and now I've got my old Khushi back... be like this always, happy and cheerful" he says as he gets hold of my waist and pulls me closer. We sit there silently as he plays some movie, I put my head on his shoulder as we both watch the movie, but honestly, he's the only one watching because as usual, my mind wanders somewhere else, I'm just pretending to be watching. "How are you feeling by the way?" he asks not taking his eyes away from the TV. "Much better in your arms" I say as I quickly wipe away the tear that rolls down my eyes. I do feel good in his arms, knowing he's with me, still the feeling of emptiness doesn't go away... the feeling that I might lose him keeps on disturbing me again and I just get hold of him tighter never wanting to let him go.


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