Twenty-Nine

"How was your trip?" I offered my psychiatrist a small smile.

Dr. Siang grinned widely at me. "Great! It was terrific. I've been longing to bring my daughter to Japan. She was very thrilled to explore the land of the rising sun." he settled himself on his seat behind his desk.

I noticed that Dr. Siang looked younger today, maybe because of the happiness evident on his face. He has an unusual glow to his face. Although he gained some weight, he really looked great and happy nonetheless.

Nagkuwentuhan kami saglit tungkol sa kanyang bakasyon sa Japan. When we ran out of topic, he opened the curtains to let the light streamed through the old dusty office. Setting his glasses on the table, he sighed.

"So, you've seen your dead sister?"

Hindi ako nakagalaw sa kinauupuan ko. I couldn't forget that day. Neither the one when I thought I saw Uncle Thomas in the form of Harry. Dahan-dahan kong itinango ang aking ulo.

"It seems like it." I murmured. "Or it must be my hallucinations. I... I think I have been hallucinating lately."

"Oh?" he cocked an eyebrow at me and studied me curiously.

Kinagat ko ang aking pang-ibabang labi at nag-iwas ng tingin. "These past few months are one of the most unforgettable moments of my life. Ang daming nangyari na... na hindi dapat nangyari. Maybe my brain is so fucked up it started playing tricks on me."

"And what are you doing to cope up with this alleged hallucinations?"

Umiling ako. "I just ignored them all. Like I always do. At isa pa, hindi ko pa rin ito nababanggit kina mommy at daddy. Ikakasal na sila ulit. I don't want to cause them any more problems."

"I see." He pulled out a notepad and scribbled something. After a few seconds, iniabot niya ito sa akin.

I frowned at the drug I couldn't recognized listed below with his signature and stamp. Glancing up at him, I gave him a questioning look.

"It can help you to ease your hallucinations. One tablet per day." wika niya saka ibinalik ang fountain pen sa drawer. "I don't usually prescribe drugs to my patients, but I think it can help you. Nakakatulog ka ba nang maayos sa gabi?"

Tumango ako. "Yeah..." at nag-alangan. Iniwas ko ang aking tingin. "Sometimes."

"You can ask for an oil diffuser from your parents. I recommend the lavender. It can help create a refreshing vibe inside your room and give you a good night's sleep."

"Right." Tumango-tango ako. "I'm going to do that."

Dr. Siang clasped his hands together. "When we we're visiting a Buddhist temple with my daughter, I had a short conversation with a monk." A small smile appeared on his lips upon its memory. "He said that Japanese people believe an individual has three faces." simula niya.

"The first face, it's the one you show to the world. The second face, the one you show to your close friends and your family. However, the third face, is the one you never show to anyone. It is the truest and innermost reflection of who you are." Tinitigan niya ako nang matagal. "Now, Mary Grace, what do you think is the face that you are showing to me right now?"

Natigagal ako sa sinabi niya. "S-Second face..." nauutal kong sagot.

"Yes, yes it is. You can't show me your third face, right?"

Umiling-iling ako.

"Or anyone. You can't show it to them. Because you are afraid to be judged. You are afraid that when people learn about your truest form, they will get disgusted and will leave you alone."

"It maybe 3 am in the morning or 3 pm in the afternoon when you're all alone and you connect with your third face. I want you to practice embracing your truest form, Mary Grace. You don't need to show the world your progress, especially if it concerns with your personal life. I'm just here to encourage you to step back and look at your third face. How have you been? Are you doing well? Is this the life that you wanted to live? Are you close to achieving your goal?"

Dr. Siang smiled kindly at me. "Do you still have your fishes?"

"Uhm, yeah." Alanganin kong sagot.

"Good. This session is over." He leaned back on his seat. "Think about what I said. Have a good day, Mary Grace."

---

Glancing at the mirror once more, I frowned to myself. Maybe I shouldn't have my hair cut? It barely reached my shoulders. Naiinitan na kasi ako. Plus, the cute beauty salon next to the drugstore I went earlier is so enticing. I've made an abrupt decision of chopping my hair off.

Huminga ako nang malalim at lumabas ng aking kwarto. Harry is going to have dinner with us tonight so I decided to wear something nice for him. Nagkukuwentuhan sila ni mommy sa kusina nang sumilip ako. A surprised look fell on his face upon seeing me.

"You cut your hair!" he exclaimed.

I twirl a loose strand using my pinky fingers and smiled shyly. "It turned out bad, didn't it?"

Harry threw his head back and laughed. "No. It looks good on you, actually. Bumata ka."

I grinned stupidly at him as I crossed the kitchen and sat to the chair next to him. Mayamaya pa ay dumating na si Dad na may dalang isang bote ng wine. My mother started placing the buttered bread, roasted chicken, deviled eggs, and sandwiches on the table. Habang masaya kaming nag-uusap ay naramdaman ko ang mainit na kamay ni Harry sa akin.

I glanced at him and smiled. He smiled back and squeezed my hands gently, wrapping his strong fingers around it as if I'm going to vanish if he'll let go.

---

"Dad?"

Natigil sa pagkukuwentuhan sina mommy at daddy nang tumikhim ako. They are both sitting cross-legged at the sofa, acting like teenagers in love. I immediately felt guilty for ruining the vibe and thought of postponing my plan.

I took a deep breath. If I'm not going to say this now, I'll never be able to tell this.

"Yes, hija?" he scooted closer to my mother and wrapped his arms around her shoulder to give me space. But instead, I sat on the carpet in front of them.

"May sasabihin po sana ako." I mumbled.

The smile on my mother's face started to fade. Alam niyang kung ano man ang sasabihin ko ngayon, base sa aking tono, ay hindi maganda.

"What is it, Mary Grace?" she asked softly.

"It's... it's about Ate Annie." I swallowed.

"Yes, what about Annie?" my Dad searched for my eyes.

"Dad... the pills." I choked, remembering how awful I felt when I discovered her lifeless body inside her room. "T-The pills that she used to t-take her life." Biglang nag-init ang sulok ng aking mga mata. Napakagat ako ng labi. I swallowed hard, feeling the lump forming inside of my throat. "It w-was mine..." I croaked.

Matagal na hindi nakasagot ang mga magulang ko sa akin. They were both stunned.

"I... I was afraid you'll get mad at me k-kapag nalaman niyo na sa akin ang pills." I said, tears streaming down my face at the painful memories. Wiping them away, suminghot-singhot ako. "So I kept it from you. I... I was planning to use it. But Ate Annie.. she—"

By then, my entire body was wrecked in sobs. My mother immediately jumped out of the sofa and hugged me tightly.

"Sshh... it's okay, anak." She murmured to my hair.

"I didn't know that s-she's going to take it." I cried harder. "And I didn't once imagine that it'll cause her death. I swear, mommy..." I sobbed like a baby. "I don't want to keep secrets from you anymore especially now that you're getting married again. I want all of us to be free from what happened. It's too painful..."

Ilang segundo pa ay naramdaman ko na din ang mahigpit na yakap ni Dad sa aming dalawa ni Mommy. "I'm glad you told us." He said silently.

"D-Daddy... I'm sorry for doubting your capability of protecting us. I s-should've told you long ago. Nang sa gayu'y hindi na umabot dito ang lahat."

"It's okay, Mary Grace. I'm not mad..." humigpit ang kanyang yakap. Napaiyak ako nang tuluyan. My mother's hot tears slipped silently on the back of my neck.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." I repeated over and over again until I could no longer hear my voice.

---

"Mary Grace!" ang nag-aalalang mukha ni Danielle ang bumungad sa akin pagkalabas ko ng gate 1. Kabababa lamang niya ng jeep. I smiled widely at her. Hindi pa rin maalis ang malungkot na ekpresiyon nito sa mukha kaya unti-unting kumupas ang aking ngiti.

"Is something wrong?" I searched for her eyes.

She nibbled her lower lips. "Si Jeremy..." she said faintly. "He's in a coma."

Dali-dali naming pinuntahan ang hospital kung saan naka-admit si Jeremy. I texted Harry on the way that I might not be able to see him tonight and asked for forgiveness. Nang marating na namin ang hospital ay diretso kaagad kami sa kaniyang kwarto.

My knees wobbled upon seeing him unconscious and almost lifeless in a bed. Mariah's eyes squinted when she saw me. She was about to protest pero pinandilatan siya ng mata ni Danielle.

"Not now, Mar. Not now..."

I stared at him in the hospital bed. Somehow, he looked a lot older for his age. There are dark circles under his eyes and it looks like he literally shrunk on his size. I could no longer feel the fear whenever I'm looking at him. I am no longer comfortable with his menacing eyes that always tries to intimidate me now that it's tightly shut.

"A-Anong nangyari?"

Danielle shifted on her weight. "He was drunk and he still insisted on driving. His motor crashed against an eight-wheeler truck. The guy barely survived. Ang sabi ng doctor ay walang kasiguraduhan kung kailan siya magigising o kung..."

I glanced at Mariah's distressed face. Iniwas kaagad niya ang tingin sa akin. Naaawa ako para sa kanilang anak. What would she do if Jeremy wouldn't wake up anymore?

Binalingan ko ulit siya ng tingin. This was the guy who sexually harassed me. Kahit na may relasyon pa kami noong mangyari iyon, hinding-hindi ko pa rin makakalimutan kung papaano ako manginig sa kanyang boses.

It's funny because I couldn't feel any flicker of anger towards him. Dapat ay masaya ako dahil nasa ganitong sitwasyon na siya. Pero hindi ko magawa. Naaawa ako sa kanya. Pati na rin kay Mariah at sa anak nila.

Defeated, we went out of his room. Niyaya ni Danielle si Mariah para mag-kape ngunit tumanggi ito. My friend shrugged and guided me to the cafeteria of the hospital.

"I couldn't believe what happened." Danielle muttered. "Mariah was crying so bad when she called me. Tatlong araw na akong pabalik-balik sa hospital." She glanced at me and gave me an apologetic look. "I'm sorry if she's still acting cold towards you. I could feel that Mariah wants to settle things with you pero wala pa rin siyang lakas ng loob para gawin iyon."

Tumango ako. "Naiintindihan ko naman siya."

Danielle gave me a faint smile. "That's great." Then her hand unconsciously went to caress her flat stomach. "I really shouldn't stress myself out. Paniguradong magagalit ang asawa ko nito." Humalakhak siya. "Oh, I haven't told you about this yet. But my husband is going to be a father soon."

Lumiwanag ang mukha ko sa sinabi niya. "You're pregnant?"

She smiled shyly at me. "Yeah. Dalawang buwan na."

I hugged her tightly as we entered the glass doors of the hospital's pantry. "I'm really glad for you."

Danielle chuckled and tapped my back. "You're next, Mary Grace." She grinned knowingly at me. "Kailan ba kayo magpapakasal ni Harry, ha? You're not getting younger anymore."

I blushed furiously at her words. "Hindi pa namin yan napag-uusapan. Besides, magpapakasal din ang mga magulang ko atsaka ga-graduate pa ako this April 'no."

Danielle ordered a can of milk and a sandwich habang ako nama'y isang latte at tiramisu cake. When we were both seated at the booth on the corner of the cafeteria, she placed her bag on the table.

"My husband doesn't let me work lalo pa't nabuntis ako." Then she pulled out a thick book from her bag. A surprise look crossed my face upon recognizing that it's the second book I wrote. "Kaya naman nililibang ko ang sarili ko sa pagbabasa." Ipinakita niya sa akin ang libro. "Nabasa mo na ba ito?" excited niyang tanong.

"I..." I trailed off and squirmed on my seat. "Y-Yeah."

"It's great, isn't it?" she suppressed a squeal. "Katherine Lagmadeo's readers are still on a guess kung ilang taong gulang na siya. But you know what, I guess this woman, if she's really a woman, is just around our age." She flipped the book excitedly to the last part. "Natapos ko na itong basahin kanina at gusto ko na namang ulitin. I really hope to meet her someday." She said in a dreamy face.

Napangiti ako sa sinabi niya.

But she's in front of you, Danielle.

"You know what? I think I could get her autograph for you." I grinned.

Tumaas ang dalawang kilay niya sa aking sinabi. "Really?"

"Yeah. Have you forgotten that aside from the café, I have an internship in a publishing company? I could give the book to the elder staff and she'll surely find a way to have it signed by Katherine."

Nagningning ang kanyang mga mata sa aking sinabi. She grabbed my both hands. "You're really going to do it for me? Can you really do it?"

Tumawa ako. "Of course, I can."