Seventeen

I stood in front of the mirror. A lonely girl dressed in black is staring back at me. It's half past seven o'clock and the funeral house is packed with Ate Annie's friends, relatives, and some of her professors at the university.

I still couldn't believe it. She's gone.

At ang masakit pa, we're not in good terms when she took the pills and ended her own life. Sobrang nagi-guilty ako knowing that it was me who brought the pills into the house. If I haven't brought it, she might be still alive today.

Nanlambot ang mga tuhod ko. I spotted Jeremy walking towards my direction. When he noticed that I'm losing control over myself, he ran towards me and grab my arms before I let myself collapse to the floor.

"Are you okay?" He asked, concern etched on his face.

I couldn't answer back. Tears began welling up my eyes and I found myself sobbing on Jeremy's arms again and soaking his shirt wet. All of them must've thought that I am crying because I lost my sister where in fact, I am crying because I'm the fucking reason why I lost my sister.

"Mary Grace?" He cooed softly. "Sshh.. That's okay,"

Humikbi ako nang humikbi na parang bata and I eventually fell asleep. Paggising ko, ramdam ko ang pamamaga ng mga mata ko sa kakaiyak. My body ache as well. I haven't had enough sleep since Ate Annie died. Puro nalang panakaw ang tulog ko. Kung minsan, ayaw ko pang matulog kasi gusto kong bantayan si Ate Annie na nakahimlay na.

A thick red blanket is wrapped around my body when I pulled myself up. I found a note on the small coffee table and a cup of steaming coffee. Mukhang kaaalis lang ni Jeremy dahil mainit pa ang kape. The note says that he's got something to do and he'll be back first thing in the morning. I took a gulp of the coffee before I headed outside. The room in the funeral house is large with a bed and a couch for family relatives who will be staying to take charge of Ate Annie's funeral but it's still suffocating for me.

Nang makalabas ako, ang una kong nakita ay si Mommy at Daddy. Natutulog si Mommy sa lap ni Daddy habang siya naman ay nakatulalang nakatingin sa kabaong ni Ate Annie sa harapan niya. I looked around and saw Sir Ferguson talking to someone, pati si Tito Emile ay nandito rin with his girlfriend, Ate Rania.

Tito Emile nodded at me. "Kumain ka na?" Malumanay niyang tanong sa akin.

I shook my head.

"Gusto mo bang kumain? May malapit na 7/11 dito. Pwede tayong pumunta muna doon," Ate Rania said carefully as if she's choosing the right words to say when she's only inviting me for a late night dinner.

"I'm fine." I said silently. I glanced outside and saw Harry sitting on the concrete stairs. "If you'll excuse me," I said, heading out of the funeral house.

Kaagad na lumingon si Harry when he heard my footsteps. His body is tensed but he somehow relaxed when he saw me. Or so I thought.

"Hi." I greeted awkwardly, sitting a few feet beside him.

He smiled but it didn't reached his ears and his eyes are pooling with sadness just like mine's. "Hi."

"Kanina ka pa dito?"

"Actually, I've been here for the past two days. It's just that you never noticed me. Palagi kang nakakulong sa kwarto at umiiyak. Sometimes, I would spot you sitting on the chairs and staring blankly at your sister's coffin," Diretso niyang sagot.

I nodded my head. "Yeah, quite an observant we've got here."

"How am I supposed to say this?" Itinaas niya ang ulo niya only to find a starless and empty dark sky above. "You looked really great in black clothes. I've only seen you worn it a few times but since your sister's funeral, you've been dressing in black and I find it very attractive."

It should feel wrong that he's complementing my funeral dress but it didn't. I smiled at him.

"Doesn't it feel wrong to you?" I leaned my face into my palms and tilted my head to him. "Complementing my funeral dress?"

"Well," I watched his adams apple bobbed up and down. "It should be but it didn't."

For the first time since Ate Annie passed away, I smiled a genuine smile. "I feel the same way, Harry."

He chuckled bitterly. "Annie." Then sighed. "God, I miss her."

Kumirot na naman ang puso ko. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm starting to feel happy again but he suddenly brought Ate Annie up or the disconsolation visible on his face when he confessed how much he missed his old lover. "Me too," I said, then closed my eyes.

"I wonder how it feels like," He wondered out loud.

"What?"

"Swallowing a whole bottle of pill, the drugs burning inside your stomach, the excruciating pain, the vomitting of blood that eventually led to liver damage and the last few moments before she passed out." He fiddled with his fingers. I watched a tiny loose thread on his army green hoodie and I struggled to keep my hands to myself from pulling it out for him. "I searched for it. And the pills. Everything about the fucking pills that took her life."

My heart raced inside of my chest. He's talking about the pills. My pills.

"It was a slow and painful death for Annie. I can't believe she chose to end her life that way,"

I tilted my head again, asking him a question silently.

"Well," His shoulders slumped again. "Remember when I asked you how was Annie like?"

I nodded my head.

"There was a time when she asked me if I would take my own life, suicide, which way should I opt for. She provided options such as cutting my wrists open, drinking muriatic acid, hanging myself in my room, taking pills, and injecting."

"What did you choose?" Mahina ang boses kong tanong.

"I choose pills." He said. "I said that if I had decided this life isn't worth living anymore, then I would have to choose a slow painful death to taste the bitterness of life for the last time before I succumb into eternity."

"How do you know there's eternity?"

"Somehow, I feel like it's my fault." He ignored my question. "You know, for answering her question and choosing pills. I should've recognized it as one of the symptoms of a suicidal person. I should've comforted her and let her know that I'll always be by her side no matter what."

No, Harry. It was never your fault. It's all my fault.

Tumahimik na naman kaming dalawa. Harry pulled out a pack of cigarrette and asked me if I would mind. I said no even though I don't want anyone to be dragging smoke in and out of their throats a few feet from me which is ironic because I am a smoker myself.

Eventually, Sir Ferguson called us inside. He ordered some food for the both of us. Unlike Mom and Dad, Sir Ferguson looked very composed and stern even at this moment. He striked a conversation to us while we were eating, asking occasionally about the university Ate Annie attended and her comrades at school.

While we were eating, I heard an engine fading away and the sound of tires screeching the pavement. Napalingon kaagad ako and my heart just sank when I saw the familiar passo Tito Alistair and Uncle Thomas owned.

And I was right when they climbed out of the car. Pinanuod namin silang tatlo na pumasok sa funeral house. When they reached us, Sir Ferguson stood up to greet them.

Namamaga ang mga mata ni Tito Alistair. It looks like he had been crying as well. "We booked the first flight to Philippines as soon as we've heard what happened." He looked at me and pulled me into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry honey it has to happen to you." Then he started crying.

I rub his back softly and pulled away from his hug. "I'm not okay, Tito Alistair. But stuff like this happens a lot. Shit happens." Sir Ferguson's eyes darted towards me when I just cussed in front of him but I couldn't care less. "Maybe you should see Mom. She'd been crying and Dad is running out of ways to comfort her."

"Yeah," He nodded, wiping his tears. He looked at me affectionately as he stroked my hair in a ponytail. "You're a strong girl, Mary Grace. I know you can get through this."

My lips curved downward. "Yeah." Then he went to my parents sitting on the wooden bench just in front of the coffee.

Uncle Thomas stepped towards me and I immediately took a step back. The fact that I am surrounded with Sir Ferguson and Harry somehow gave me a sense of protection that this demon couldn't touch me but his presence still affects me.

"Condolence," He said silently but I didn't answer him.