Nineteen

"Mary Grace," Mom poked her head inside my room and frowned when she saw splutters of paint all over. "What're you doing?"

"Painting?" I answered dumbly.

"I can see that." She crossed her arms over her chest. "Basta linisin mo lang ang kalat mo pagkatapos, okay? Bumaba ka na, your Dad is waiting. We'll eat breakfast together."

I sighed. "Is that even necessary?"

I saw her gulped and averted her gaze. Bigla tuloy akong na-guilty sa sinabi ko. "We're trying to be a family again, Mary Grace. What happened with your Ate Annie... It was our fault. I don't want the same thing to happen to you,"

"Of course," I nodded my head and pulled myself up.

"I'll see you downstairs, honey."

"Okay."

When she shut the door close, I exhaled a breath I didn't know I was holding in the first place. I began rummaging through my messy closet and grabbed an old band shirt and pulled it over my head. I glanced at my untidy room again, noting to leave the school early today para linisin ito.

Ever since Ate Annie died, which was approximately 3 months ago, malaki na ang ipinagbago nina Mommy at Daddy. They force me to eat breakfast with them together and as ridiculous as it may sound, I do have a curfew. I need to be home before 8:30 in the evening to join them for dinner. Bigla silang nagka-interes sa buhay ko, asking how was my day, what went by at school, and even called my teacher for goddamn's sake just to make sure that I am going to school every day.

Now it's starting to feel like a bad soap opera. This is just like a make-believe family we are trying to build. Naiinis ako sa kanila pero alam kong para din naman sa akin ang ginagawa nila. They are more cautious not to lose their second daughter around.

When I finished breakfast, Dad offered me a ride to school to which I didn't decline. I don't feel like walking today because it's drizzling.

"Are you okay?" Tanong ni Dad sa akin nang mapansin niyang tahimik ako. "You seem to be thinking a lot these past few days."

"Yeah," I nodded my head in agreement.

"And you're into painting, now? What's up, kiddo?"

"Nothing Dad..." I shook my head. "It's just that, I find it interesting. Don't worry, a sudden interest or shift of hobby isn't a sign of a suicidal person."

"Mary Grace."

"Sorry." I mumbled.

"You know honey, we're just doing this for you." He said silently. "I loved Annie so much I thought I was doing the right thing." His lips began trembling and I instantly felt bad for bringing this suicide thing up. "Not until I lost her. Ginagawa namin ng Mommy Ting mo ang lahat para alagaan kang mabuti."

"That's why you declined Sir Ferguson's offer of vice-president?"

He pulled in front of our school and turned off the engine. "Well, family's more important." Then he leaned into me and place a soft kiss on my head. "Enjoy your day, sweetheart."

"Thanks. I'm off." I said, climbing out of the car and running into the waiting shed. I pulled the hood of the jacket I am wearing over my head and began walking into the pavement that leads to my first period class.

---

"You never even called me or texted me!" Jeremy said, annoyed.

"I forgot my phone." I said instead. I don't want him to know that it was him I forgot, not my phone.

"For fuck's sake, Mary Grace! You forgot your phone? Ako ba niloloko mo?"

"Well, not exactly. I left it in the house, Jeremy. What's your deal anyway?"

"My deal," Nameywang siya. "I'm pissed off because it seems like you've forgotten you had a boyfriend! I understand that you're mourning with the death of your sister pero Mary Grace, hanggang kailan tayo magiging ganito? I'm tired of this bullshit. And you refuse every time I ask you to drop by my place."

"It's because I have a curfew."

"And?"

"And what? That's all." I shifted uncomfortably on my seat. Jeremy approched me when my last period ended and drag me into the vacant restroom we used to hang out at the back of their building.

"That's all you have to say?" He chuckled bitterly. "Wow."

"Look," I started silently. "I know you're mad with me not calling and all. But Jeremy, I'm going through something right now and... and I guess I just wanted to be alone."

"Be alone, huh?"

"Yeah." I lowered my gaze to the floor. "I'm sorry." I started walking past him.

"What's happening to us?" He called out. Napahinto ako sa paglalakad. Nilingon ko siya. "What's happening to us, Mary Grace? I don't understand any of this shit anymore."

I stared at him for a long time before tears started welling up on my eyes. "Me too, Jeremy. Me, too."

---

On my way back home, I took a detour. Instead of walking down our street, huminto ako sa bus stop. I waited for the bus to arrive for a few minutes. I took a seat on the back part silently until it arrived on the last stop—the cemetery.

My grip tightened on my bag as I climb out of the bus. I approached a tiny store on the gate and bought a candle and some flowers. The old man watching the store seemed gloomy. I can see the sadness on his eyes.

"Okay lang po ba kayo?" Mahinahon kong tanong.

It seemed to snap him out of the reality. He forced a smile and waved dismissively. "Okay lang ako, hija. Pang-apat na beses mo na ito dito ah, sinong dinadalawa mo?"

"Kapatid ko po."

He nodded silently. "Ganun ba?"

"Matagal na po kayo dito?"

He rubbed the back of his neck and chuckled. "Buong buhay ko dito na ako nakatira. Nakakalungkot nga eh kapag namatayan ako. Ilang hakbang ko lang mararating ko na ang puntod nila. Araw-araw ko silang natatanaw na para bang isang hindi mawala-walang paalala na nawalan ako nang mahal sa buhay."

"Dito po ba nakalibing ang kamag-anak niyo?"

"Hindi ko siya kamag-anak." He looked up and smiled at the memory. "Pero para ko na din siyang anak kung ituring."

"Condolence po."

"Condolence din, hija."

And with that, I started walking down the grassy road. Ate Annie was buried just beside her mother as my father's request. Noong una tumutol si Sir Ferguson. He wanted her body to be buried in a private memorial park but Father was persistent. Sabi niya hindi matatahimik si Tita Veronica kapag hindi niya katabi ang anak niya ngayon.

I eventually stopped walking when I saw a familiar figure on Ate Annie's graveyard. Sa apat na beses kong pabalik-balik dito, apat na beses ko na din siyang nakikita. Hinihintay ko na umalis siya bago ko lapitan ang puntod ni Ate Annie.

I was so thankful at Harry the night of Ate Annie's funeral. Uncle Thomas tried to talk to me. Harry just appeared by my side and casually asked if I wanted some food, he must've sensed my discomfort whenever I'm talking to Uncle Thomas.

But ever since that night, hindi na kami nagka-usap pang muli. Maski sa libing ni Ate Annie, he was just there, silently watching. I feel bad for him though but I know my words wouldn't make any sense to him so I decided not to talk to him instead.

I was about to take a step back and wait under the shade of the Sampalok tree nearby when he called my name even if his back was into me.

"Mary Grace." He said, before he turned around. He gave me a little smile and a nod of acknowledgement. "Nandito ka pala."

I raise my left hand and wave a little. "Hi." I said, almost inaudible.

"Why don't you join me for a minute? You're always waiting for me to leave before you visit your Ate Annie. I'm starting to feel bad."

I flushed at what he said. Alam niya pala ang ginagawa ko. I know for now he thinks I'm an idiot.

"Sorry." I mumbled and walked slowly towards him. He just watched me until I finally approached them. I sat beside him and without a word, fished for the lighter inside of my bad. Sinindihan ko ang kandila at inilapag ang bulaklak na binili ko para sa kanya at mommy niya. Then I pulled my shoulders back and tried to relax beside him.

"How are you, Mary Grace?" he asked all of a sudden.

"Not okay." I answered honestly.