When we left the Fairmont it was foggy and cold outside. I hadn't expected the weather to be so chilly that time of year and I'd only brought a cardigan sweater.

"It's freezing," I said to Jeff as we waited for the valet to bring our car around.

He offered a brief smile. I knew if it were under different circumstances he'd make some kind of joke. I thought of the quote by Mark Twain, "the coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." I didn't remember where I'd even heard it or if it was Mark Twain who'd said it. Jeff's face was serious and I could see from how distracted he was that he was worried too.

"What kind of people lure a young girl like that?" He shook his head and tossed the cigarette he was smoking on the ground as the valet pulled up next to us. Jeff walked around and opened the door me. Once I'd gotten inside, he walked to the back and opened the trunk. The bellhop put our suitcases inside and Jeff tipped him.

As we pulled out of the hotel I looked back towards the Bay. There was a thick layer of fog and I could only make out the tip of the Golden Gate Bridge. There was a thick cloud cover over downtown. Over the bay there was nothing but opaque gray with no hint of what was beyond. The city looked wrapped in gauze. Light was still breaking through in places but overall, the white buildings against the smoky sky made the whole scene look like a black and white photograph. It was likely my anxiety, but it seemed surreal to me. Maybe ominous.

"It reminds me of Kafka," I said.

"Why is that?" he asked, he was half paying attention. I had just said it absentmindedly.

"It's just so dark. I imagine office workers under dim light, typing away pointlessly. In one of those tall buildings. I think it's just my mood."

He nodded but kept staring ahead as we drove. "What kind of church is in a store front? Jesus Christ what was she thinking? Honestly Eve. Wouldn't you think our daughter had a little more sense than that?"

"It's all right." I touched his arm; I could feel how tense his muscles were. "We're just going to walk in there and get her. Just like you said."

"What if she doesn't want to come back with us? What if they've brainwashed her? That's entirely possible with these groups. I just don't understand what in the hell is wrong with her. Here we are – caught up in some circus because she's acting crazy."

"Jeff. It's all right." It was out of the ordinary for me to comfort him. His fear encouraged a rational, dethatched side of me.

He looked at me. "All right."

We didn't say anything for a few minutes. I watched Jeff as he drove. I felt, in that moment, as nothing made sense at all. Of course this situation was urgent and we both needed to be there to take care of it. I was just struck by how otherwise ordinary things seemed. It was as if Jeff and I had never broken up. We slid right back into familiarity. It felt like an illusion, as if there were a heavy velvet curtain that separated my realities. They existed together and once I entered back into this world, the story was there written out for me. I just had to assume my role. It wasn't complicated in the way one might think.

"What are you thinking?" he asked.

"Nothing."

He kept his eyes on me a moment.

"Why are you asking me that?"

"You looked pensive."

Jeff lit a cigarette, "want one?"

"No."

He pushed the cigarette lighter back into the dash. He pointed to the road ahead. "They built this road after the war. It separates the rich from the poor."

"That's pretty lousy." I said.

He took a drag and looked at me. "What's lousy is that all this," he motioned with his hand to the left side road. "All this used to belong to the Japanese before they were interned. Businesses, stores. All razed. All gone."

"That's horrible."

He shrugged his shoulders, "What are you going to do?"

"I don't' know why you'd say it that way. I really don't understand why you would say that."

He opened his window and tossed his cigarette out. He sighed. "I don't know why either. I think it's bad too. I'm sorry."

I was growing nervous. I shook my head and stared out of the window.

Jeff pointed to the right at a two story square building. "The Fillmore." "You should see that place when there's a show. There are crowds for blocks.

"What is it?" I asked.

"A night club. There are teenagers for miles. It's all the music Clara listens to. A musical Renaissance, I believe I read."

I nodded. "Have you been there?"

"Not recently. But ten years or so ago I did."

Jeff drove us down a wide boulevard towards the western side of town. We passed the Fillmore district where Jeff said there had always been jazz and a vibrant black community. "They just tore all this down for the same reasons."

"What do you mean?"

"Urban renewal." I won't tell you the other name for it.

"What is it?"

"Urban Removal."

"of the black people?"

"It was a lot different here ten years ago. This community was very doing very well not too long ago."

"It's not so different from Chicago."

"No."

We parked on Oak Street which bordered golden gate park. As we waited for Officer Calnan I could see a crowd of demonstrators in the distance. It looked like they filled the entrance to the park and beyond. I rolled down my window a little and could hear the loud din sound of drums and horns. Voices blended together in a subtle roar. I also made out someone speaking over the microphone. It was a warped amplified but impassioned voice.

"What do you think's going on?" I asked Jeff.

He had been staring out the window, smoking a cigarette with his arm stretched out of the open drivers side window. He looked lose in thought, not paying attention to anything outside. "What?" he asked.

"Up there. What do you think they're protesting?"

"The war."

I felt so uneasy about everything. I couldn't wait much longer for the detective to arrive. I just wanted to get it over with. My only two thoughts were what if they thought it was a raid and they may have sent her to some other location. I hated waiting.

"I feel nervous," I said.

"I know."

"I'm sure I look like the establishment them."

"To the demonstrators?"

"There are so many of them. I mean there are thousands. It's making me anxious."

"Eve," Jeff said, "look at me a moment."

I turned and faced him. There wasn't much distance between us.

"Come here." I moved closer to him. He took my hand. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

I kept my eyes on him.

"I'm not going to let anything happen to Clara either."

He leaned towards me and kissed me, not passionately but lovingly. "I promise." He said when he pulled away.

"OK." I said, "I believe you."

"And Eve. It's just a demonstration. It's not a mob. You know that. You're an activist. And, Eve," he touched my cheek, "You don't look like the establishment. You look like their mother."

I bit my lip, when I turned back towards the road; I saw three police cruisers pulling up to the curb. He smiled at me. "Now you should be nervous. They look like the establishment." He lifted my hand and kissed it. Then, he stepped out of the car. I got out too and we walked over to the detective we'd spoken with the day before.

"How are you Mr. Lambert? Mrs. Lambert?"

He must have seen the look of fear on my face. "This is going to go smoothly. Mrs. Lambert, it's very unlikely this group is dangerous. I don't even know if I'd call it a cult. These groups crop up then they're gone. Without much notice. It's the times."

I nodded.

"It would be bad if your daughter chose to stay with them. That's when things get difficult. Long term I'm talking about."

"Well, that's not going to happen." Jeff said, "What's next?"

"I'm going have these cruisers position a few bocks in the other direction. I don't want them getting side tracked with the demonstration. They'll be close by. I'll walk into the meeting with you. I'll let you two go first. You'll need to locate her amongst the groups—as quickly as possible."

"OK," I whispered. My mouth was dry and my hands were trembling.

"I'll be there, but I'll be keeping an eye out for anything dangerous. If we encounter something I'm going to ask you to leave. I'll call for back up."

"What if we see Clara and – I'm not going to leave her there."

"She's safer than you are. These are just precautions. There is very little chance that they'll do anything except try to convince her to stay. We can handle that can't we?" He looked at Jeff.

Jeff held a serious expression. He didn't say anything, just nodded and tightened his jaw.

He walked back over to the other officers, presumably letting them know the plan. The day was warming up; almost all of the fog was gone. I noticed the smell of Eucalyptus. When I looked back over at the park, I could see that the protest was just the same as Chicago—albeit much bigger. I suppose I was responding to the amount of kids. It felt out of control to me. There was a sea of people, I could see that even from the distance and limited view. I saw large balls being tossed around the group, protest signs. The day was warm and pretty and the crowd was a blend of colorful clothes, signs and movement. It was the sounds that fed my anxiety. Because I was so frightening they were haunting, nightmarish.

We followed the detective a few blocks from where we had been near golden gate park. My heart ached with fear and worry. I didn't see the other cruisers, but I felt relieved knowing they were around the corner. The name of the group kept running over and over in my mind Children of Bacchus. I didn't even know what Bacchus was. A person? A religion? The detective motioned for us to stop. We were on a little strip of street that had a few stores on it. One was a launderer and I noticed a small coffee shop. He pointed. "It's right there. You see that small storefront with curtains hanging in the window?"

Jeff looked intently in that direction. I didn't see any sign for the church but notice what looked like flyers posted on the large pane of glass out front.

"You two are going to walk right in. If there's someone at the door, don't say anything. If they try to stop you—you talk to them Mr. Lambert. I'm right behind you. I want you to look for your daughter Mrs. Lambert. When you see her I want you to point her out to me."

I nodded. "Do you think they have guns?"

He shook his head. "I would guess they are doing some sort of prayer or ceremony. I don't think so."

My legs felt heavy as we walked towards the building. I felt as if I were having a heart attack. I couldn't breath and I was shaking. When we got to the metal and glass door, Jeff opened it naturally, as if we were walking into a drugstore. As soon as we entered I smelled a heavy scent of incense. The lights were dimmed and with the curtains over the windows it was nearly dark, just a yellow glow. Everyone was on the floor, on their knees, heads down, bent over in what looked like prayer. All of the members were dressed in white robes and I knew the women from the men by their long flowing hair. Many of the girls had hair just like Clara's. There was a man sitting cross-legged on a stage in front of the rest.

I turned to the police officer. I didn't know what to do. No one seemed to notice us at first and there was no way to pick Clara out of the group. The officer hit his Billy club against the metal doorframe a couple of times. "Who's in charge here?" He said in a loud firm voice. The man sitting on the stage opened his eyes. It reminded me of a puppet show where the puppet is limp but pops up, perfectly stiff and attentive. I couldn't breath. As if commanded all of the members looked up in unison. I scanned the group for Clara. It was so difficult to see because of the lighting and all of them looked alike in the robes and their long hair. But, of course, she was my daughter. I should be able to spot her. I hadn't noticed the man coming from the stage to talk with the police officer. I had located Clara. She didn't see me at first, and time was moving slowly. I could see that there were two other girls with her. So close that they could be holding her arms.

I turned to Jeff. "She's there," I said and pointed at her. At that her eyes met mine and they spoke hatred. A second later I saw that she'd notice Jeff and her face softened, then she turned flush and then she started crying. She moved to stand up, but the other girls held her arms. One whispered in her ear. I could see they were going to try and escort her out. Jeff must have seen it too because he rushed over to them. The man who was the guru or in charge of the meeting started towards them too. I could see detective put his hand on his walkie talkie ready to call for back up. I followed behind Jeff but let him handle it. I knew she didn't want me and that she would likely go with Jeff, particularly since by the time he got to her, she was crying. The two girls were still holding on to her and the guru who I could see now was tall and very thin—moved in front of Clara, between her and Jeff.

I recognized Jeff's rage. I knew he could have killed the man if necessary. "Get the hell out of my way." Jeff said in a calm, steely command.

"We're having a meeting here. It is you sir who is trespassing." The man held his hands, palms first and gestured in a way that suggested a rising son. The he held his hand up almost above Jeff's head. In any other situation, I would have laughed. Not just at the foolishness of a cosmic persona but juxtaposing Jeff and the guru. The assumed a calm voice, "You are sending signals it's disrupting our purpose." The man said to Jeff.

"Move out of my way or I'm going to fucking kill you." Jeff responded.

The man took on a trance-like look and he began swaying. At that Jeff pushed him aside and the two girls were still holding Clara's arms. "Let her go." He said and they immediately released her.

The man was now addressing Clara, "sister. You've come to find purpose. You have found what you're looking for. They do not have power over you." I could see that Jeff was shaking his head.

"Clara," he said. It sounded stern but not angry. "I want you to come with us right now. I'm going to hold your hand and we are going to leave together. Right now."

She looked at me again. She shook her head and her face filled with that familiar anger. I noticed when her eyes met mine that she was on drugs again. I also felt wholly shocked by her appearance and affect. She seemed smaller in the flowing robe. Her hair looked more brittle, but again it was her eyes, those dilated pupils.

"Sister? " the man said again.

"Get the hell away." Jeff repeated.

The detective walked closer to the guru and said, "the girl's leaving with her father. The officer stood squarely on the ground with one hand on his holster. The guru just kept his gaze on Clara. She looked down but kept looking back up at him. One of the girls whispered something to her. At that Jeff moved in "all right, that's enough." I held my breath and I waited to see what she would do. She looked again at the guru and then at Jeff, then her eyes filled with tears. She took his hand and he led her out of the little space. I followed behind them and the detective behind me. It was as officer Calnan had predicted, there really was no imminent threat, the danger would have been if Clara had stayed longer. Whatever was happening with her had made her so vulnerable. I could see how something like that group would have trapped her. She would have been easy to brainwash.

Clara stayed close to Jeff the whole trip back. She seemed so distraught and child-like. I'm sure the drugs were still influencing her, but she was also in such distress. I worried—I would never have told anyone—but I worried that whatever had afflicted Margaret now had taken root inside of Clara. I was afraid she was becoming psychotic too. Whenever I had the chance I caught Jeff's glance trying to read if he had a similar fear. He seemed so different with Clara. I realized that I really didn't know what his relationship with his children was. He spoke softly to her and let her cry into his shoulder. He didn't brush off her emotional display. He comforted her. "Daddy" she'd whisper and he'd kiss her on the forehead, "it's all right, Clara. You're going to be all right."

In all the commotion back home, we'd forgotten to bring clothes for her so had Jeff stop at I Magnin and I bought her some things I thought she'd like. I had no intention of getting her anything that looked like the things she had been wearing in recent months, but I wanted an outfit that made her feel pretty. I found a green shift dress. It was cut a little shorter than I'd like but still it was good quality and conservative enough for an 18-year-old girl. I bought her sandals with a low heel and green, yellow and orange straps. I also picked her up a lemon colored cardigan with pale yellow flowers embroidered near the collar. I knew she wouldn't love that item, but in case it got cold. I also bought some hairpins. I walked out of the store to the parked car. I saw her in the backseat; Jeff was standing outside, leaning against the car and smoking a cigarette.

"Did you get something he asked?"

I nodded. "I don't know if she'll like it—is she all right?"

"She hasn't said much."

I glanced at her in the seat. She was staring out the opposite window. "Why don't we go somewhere so we can pull the car over and she can change?"

He nodded. "Where should we go?"

I shrugged my shoulders. A parking lot? I can sit in back with her and make sure she can change in privacy.

We pulled into a lot nearby and Jeff went for a short walk while I helped Clara change. She didn't say much to me, and mostly averted my gaze. I sat in the back with her. "I don't know if you'll like these Clara. They're just for the plane ride."

She looked like a little girl to me. Her eyes were large and round; she didn't look like she was high any more, but for some reason, her eyes seemed deeper blue. Her face was pale and her hair looked dry and frizzy. I let out a breath and kissed her on the forehead. "I'm sorry darling." Still she didn't speak.

I removed the clothes from the bag and took off the tags. "I don't know if you'll like these."

Finally she looked up at me. "They're fine mom."

I couldn't help but ask, "Are you all right? I'm so worried."

"I don't know," she said. "I don't know anything any more."

"Are you glad we came for you?"

She frowned and nodded. She put her hands over her face and bent forward. I rubbed her back.

"Here sweetheart let me help you change."

Her eyes were full of tears when she looked at me. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate myself."

"Nothing's wrong with you. Darling, anyone would feel the way you do. What are you supposed to feel? This is a horrible situation."

"But, I wanted to go with Diane. I wanted to be on my own. I'm 18!"

"You will be. I promise, this is just a little bump in the road. We've just got to get you over it."

She shook her head.

"Here put these on." Once she removed the robe, I held it up as a curtain even though no one was around the vacant lot. I hated holding the white garment in my hands. It smelled like some kind of incense. I wanted to throw it in the garbage as soon as possible. I could see Jeff a short distance away, walking aimlessly.

Once she was dressed I told her I was going to call her father so we could go to the airport. I gave her the sandals to put on. I picked up the robe then got out of the car and started towards Jeff. The sun was now bright and it was a beautiful day. It felt more like a spring day than summer and I noticed how beautiful the light was in San Francisco. The colors were vivid and it had a calming effect. I could, in all honesty, see Clara living there. I reached Jeff.

"What are you going to do with that thing?"

"I'm taking it over to the garbage cans over there and throwing it away." I walked the short distance, opened one of the metal cans and tossed it in. I put the lid back down. I had the urge to do more to it, douse it in gasoline. Burn it. I walked back over to Jeff.

"Is she ready?" he asked.

"She's dressed. I'll fix her make up and hair while we drive."

He held my stare for a moment. "I know how upsetting this has been, I wish I could comfort you, but I don't want to upset Clara."

I nodded. The sun was in my eyes and he almost looked heavenly standing there. "You know, she wouldn't have left that group if not for you. She wouldn't have come with me."

He shrugged his shoulders. "She'll always know you're the one who saved her."

"You're the one she chose."

"Eve, don't say that."

I shrugged my shoulders. "I feel like I've lost her. She only has contempt for me."

"You're exhausted. You will know I'm right once you've had some rest."

I sat in the back seat with her while Jeff drove. I had retrieved my brush and make up case. "Darling, would it be all right, if I put your hair up in a loose twist?"

She shrugged her shoulders, "I don't care. Whatever you think I should look like. That's what you want isn't it?"

"I think you're beautiful no matter what you do. If you don't want me to then--"

"Mom. I don't care!" It almost seemed like her animosity was stronger with Jeff nearby. Was she comparing him to me? Had she decided that the blame for her mother's death solely rested on the things I'd done, exonerating her father's behavior? If so how could she believe I was more culpable than her father for what had happened when she was a young child?

"All right." I brushed her hair and pinned it up o that it looked presentable.

"Can I help you with your make up?"

She shrugged her shoulders.

"You don't need make up if you don't want it."

She looked so sad. She looked up at me and leaned against me. I put my arms around her and rubbed her back. She didn't cry but she pressed her weight against me. She seemed to release herself, she was limp and she felt heavy against me. I pulled back a little and kissed her cheek.

"Daddy and I are going to help you."

"I failed."

"You didn't fail, Clara. You know, I was just thinking that I could see you coming back San Francisco. You're not going to feel like this forever. You're not. You are going to have your own life. Anyone else would feel how you feel given the circumstances."

She pulled away from me and shook her head. "Why do you have to do that?"

"What did I say?"

"How would you know what I feel given the circumstances?" Jeff looked at me in the rear view mirror. I could see he was gauging when he should step in.

"All right." I said. I was hurt but I was tired of it. "Jeff please pull over so I can sit in the front seat. I don't want to be back here with her any more."

"You want me to pull over?" he asked and then turned to me. "Clara why don't you let your mother help you fix yourself up."

"I know what you feel about me Clara, but you don't know the whole story and I'm tired of you blaming me. All I've done is try to help you. I love you more than anything."

"Help me? You're the biggest phony I've ever met."

"Clara, that's enough." Jeff's tone was firm.

"Yes. Help you. I love you. I'm sorry for the mistakes I made. If I could do it over I wouldn't repeat it—But Jesus Clara. I haven't slept in a week. You're acting crazy--"

Jeff interrupted me, "that's enough Eve."
I covered my eyes and shook my head. I knew he didn't have the authority to stop me, to speak to me as if I were a child. Really I knew that, but I was trapped in the middle of all these circumstances. The past, Clara's anger and Jeff's inability to address the emotional realities, the situation called for. And a part of me was glad he stopped me before I said something I would regret.

"Can you please pull over?" I was exhausted and resigned. I looked at Clara. She wasn't glaring at me, just watching. "Or, do you want me to do your make up?" I asked her.

"If you want to, you can." She said. It was her way of giving in a little. I looked up at Jeff in the rearview mirror and a subtle smile crossed his face. I resumed with fixing her up.

It was the first time I'd ever felt I didn't belong, that I was her stepmother not her real mother. Even feeling so left out, I didn't want to interfere with the comfort Jeff provided her. I just wished it could have been me taking care of her. On the plane, she had been leaning against Jeff's shoulder but once she'd finally fell asleep, he gingerly adjusted her so she was comfortable against the window side. I realized I said almost nothing from since my argument with her in the car. He turned to me. "You saved our daughter."

It should have made me feel that there would be some reward for everything it took to bring her back. I didn't feel that way. When I looked at her, devastated, finally sleeping I felt sorrow. She hated me. She would never see me as her mother again. I knew it.

I looked over at Clara and then back at Jeff. "She hates me."

"Eve, you had an affair with a married man. You didn't kill anyone. You have to move on from it."

"I don't know." I said. "You didn't read Margaret's diaries. Her private thoughts."

He sighed. "Eve. It wasn't your fault. Don't convince yourself that it is. Don't martyr yourself." He looked at Clara. She looked like an ordinary teenager thanks to the outfit I'd gotten her. It was the first time in a long time that she looked like a normal girl.

Even with all my confusion and hurt, I felt like this storm was clearing. I didn't know why it passed through my life. Why the past month had gone from routine to exceptionally dramatic. It was like the other trauma's I'd experienced, the immediate and unexpected force of a violent undertow. Being pulled out of my life with no way out. Just deeper and deeper. Dangling me on the edge of sanity. I wanted to say it was Jeff. That he was at the center of each cyclone, but really it was just me. My luck, my life. Or maybe it was just life, as Joan always said to comfort me. I rubbed my hand on the upholstered arm rest.

"God," I said to Jeff and shook my head. "Oh my God."

"I'm sorry." He said.

"For what?"

"I don't know." He lifted my hand and kissed it.

I pulled my hand back and looked at him. "It's ok."

"What's ok?"

"I don't know." I looked into his eyes. I knew that he would stay with Anna. That mostly brought relief. I couldn't keep having my life in a state of disaster much longer. He's right, everything goes crazy. It really wasn't a romantic story. It was almost ugly. There was intense intimacy that I doubted I would ever understand, but I wasn't sure that was real love.

"What a day." He took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. "Want one?"

I nodded. I took one and he lit it for me. "Thank you," I said.

"You're welcome."

I started to laugh. "I thought you were going to kill that guru kid."

He laughed too. "What the hell was he doing with his hands?"

"I think it was because you were sending signals that disrupted their purpose."

"That's exactly what I was trying to do."

I smiled at him. "You look tired," I said. "Why don't you go to sleep?" I touched his face and brought my hand back down.

"Eve?" he whispered, "I never knew how much you did for my children. When I saw you helping Clara in the car, getting her fixed up." He shook his head. "I don't know how to describe it. You've been there their whole lives."

"I love her."

He nodded. "I know you do. I'm sorry I didn't help more over the years." He waited a moment. "Or at all."

"You did. Your apartment was Diane Ward's favorite place." I rolled my eyes and took a drag from my cigarette.

"That bothers you doesn't it? I thought it was generous of me to let it go.."

"Oh I could still see the satisfaction on your face. But it was very kind of you—I don't really like the girl anyway. She's sneaky."

"She was probably lying about liking sleep overs my apartment."

"I'm sure of it."

He smiled at me, then turned serious, "Eve?"

I looked at him for a moment, "what is it?"

He shook his head. "I don't know what I was going to say."

"Listen," I said, "Don't worry about things, all right? I don't expect anything at all. I don't even know if I want anything. Let's go back home and just resume our lives. We'll be more cordial with each other. Maybe this incident will help us tolerate each other more."

"That's generous."

"What do you want?" I asked.

"It's not that simple."

"I'm not asking you for anything. So please don't say it's not that simple like I've asked you to leave your wife. I'm not sitting here asking you for anything."

"Don't get upset."

"I was letting you off the hook." I said.

"I don't want to be off the hook."