Joan was helping me get things ready for Charlie's graduation party. She looked smart in a brown pantsuit with a organize and brown flowered scarf. Her hair was down around her shoulders. She looked beautiful. She was leaning over the counter dunking one chip after another in the onion dip while I prepared the sandwiches.

"Who's coming?" she asked.

"Some family friends People Charlie knows from school. Jefffery, of course. Your family. Clara. Jeff and his side of the family."

"Oh God." She groaned. "I don't mean to criticize but that sister of his! She gets near me and it's like a rash I start getting uncomfortable all over."

I smile at her. "like a rash?"

She laughed, dunked another chip, "I don't know why but that's how I feel around her."

"You haven't met Neil yet, have you?" I pulled a three tiered glass dish down from the cabinet and started arranging finger sandwiches around in alternating patterns. Cucumber, egg salad, and chicken salad.

"That looks nice, Eve."

"He is really—" I stopped and arranged the food a little more. Then I looked at her. "He's a really mean person."

She grimaced like she'd eaten something that had gone bad.

"A couple of Charlie's teachers are coming."

She helped me carry the prepared food into the dining room. We had put a lace table cloth down. We used my mother's china and silverware. Joan and I had picked some flowers from the gardens and made arrangements earlier.

"It looks good, doesn't it?" she asked.

I took a deep breath and let it out.

"Have you talked with Jeff since last Friday?"

I shook my head. "you'll see. He'll be very distant. Which is completely fine with me. Things are so bad with Clara that I am disgusted with his distance."

At that I heard Jeffery coming down the stairs. He walked in to the room and I smiled. He was so sweet and I couldn't help it but seeing him always warmed my heart, something I couldn't always say about my two other children. Jeffery was always so kind and respectful.

"Hi Mrs. Knowles."

"Hi Jeffery"

"Mom can I help with anything?"

"That's sweet of you," I said. I walked over and rubbed his arm. "Would you go get some of the folding chairs in the basement. We'll put them in the dining room and a few in the front room."

When he left the room Joan looked at me and mouthed "he is so sweet!"

By 4:00 the house was full of people. I was busy bringing dishes in and out of the kitchen, making sure every fifteen minutes—per our agreement—I'd find Joan and we'd both have a drink. Really, it was just a sip or two. By 4:00 I was sufficiently relaxed. Charlie was dressed in a suit and walked from group to group engaging in conversation. It was a little hard for me seeing him like that. I realized he would be gone next year. And likely he wouldn't ever live in the house again. I felt sad about how quickly the years had passed. I remembered moving to Chicago with him when he was just 4 years old. We'd taken the train from Oregon and I was to marry Jeff right away. It was a ridiculous proposition and it was even more absurd that I would do it; but Charlie and I did it. I remember that long train ride and stopping at some stop just hours from Chicago. We got off the car and I promised him I would buy him a toy. I remembered his round, stubborn face when I told him he could only have one. He insisted he wanted a snow globe and a little toy train. I remember shaking my head, his blue eyes examining me. I think even back then he was a little lawyer, he just didn't have the words to convey a convincing argument. I walked over to him and put my arm around him. He was talking to his geometry teacher and Joan's husband Ted. He nodding his head and listening intently as his teacher talked about New York, where Charlie would be going to college. Mr. Nichols had lived there during the depression. Charlie was nodding his head. In the break in the conversation, he asked, "was it a different city after the crash? How did it change?" That started Mr. Nichols talking about the desperation, the suicides. I noticed Jeff and Anna arriving. Jeffery had greeted them at the front door and was taking their coats. I weighted the option of standing there with Charlie and pretending I didn't see them. Seeing her, Anna, made me feel even worse about my behavior with Jeff. Clara's condemnation added to my searing shame that I felt must have been revealed in my face. I excused myself from the conversation and walked over to Jeff and Anna. Anna smiled brightly.

She walked over and took my hand. "Eve. Everything is very beautiful and you must be so proud of Charlie." I leaned in and kissed her. I could see Jeff's eyes following me.

I recognized his distance when I pulled away I also recognized his condescending affect. "Eve," he couldn't have sounded more disinterested, "how are you?" He pulled a cigarette from his pocket and lit it. He inhaled deeply shaking out the match. I didn't even answer him.

"Can I get you both a drink?"

"Let me help you," Anna offered. I looked at Jeff. His gaze on me was steely. If we were alone I would have met his attitude with rage. It would have ended up in a horrible fight.

"Oh, thank you Anna. It's no trouble, really. Maybe you could go say hello to Charlie. He's right there." I pointed to him.

Anna smiled and looked at me, "He looks so handsome. And grown up. You must be proud."

"I am." I turned to get the drinks when Joan walked over.

"I just wanted to make sure you're keeping track of the time." She was clearly a little drunk. She was holding a gin and tonic and smiled at Anna and then Jeff. "We've been meeting every fifteen minutes."

I didn't mean to but I laughed out loud and when our eyes met I suddenly felt better.

"Anna this is Joan, my friend."

Joan smiled warmly "It's nice to see you. I think we've met before."

"Yes," Anna said, "It's nice to see you too. Did you help with the party? The place looks really wonderful."

"Can I be honest?" she teased.

Jeff practically rolled his eyes.

She frowned a little, "It was all eve. Really, I drank gin and tonics and ate chips."

Anna laughed.

"Jeff, you remember Joan."

"Joan." He said then in monotone, "How are you Joan?"

"It's nice to see you."

Joan looked at me and smiled. It was a joke just between us. How he acted. I'd predicted his affect, his subtext. I smiled back at her. I knew it was a sort of very subtle mockery of them.

"Why don't you two get something to eat or talk with Charlie, I'll bring you a drink. Gin and tonic?" I said to them.

Anna nodded. Jeff just looked at me skeptically. I took Joan by the arm and ushered her into the kitchen with me. We both drank a few sips of our drink before I went out to fix theirs. "You were completely right about how he was going to act. You know," she thought a moment. "He kind of makes me feel like I have poison ivy too. And his wife looks nothing like Audrey Hepburn."

"I feel terrible about Anna—what I did to her. She's very sweet."

"I don't know about that. She slept with your husband."

"I guess I got her back."

"That's something isn't it?" Joan's brown eyes widened. She popped an olive in her mouth. "I'll bet that doesn't happen very often."

I smiled at her.

Jeff and Anna spent time talking with the different guests. Anna was always composed and I realized she fit Jeff's life perfectly. She liked being the pretty, wealthy wife. To me it seemed that way. She wasn't rude or pretentious like Julia but she was suited for Jeff's life. I did feel somewhat jealous because that was one thing I couldn't do for him. I never liked his lifestyle. I never wanted to be aristocratic. I couldn't do it. Half of the things we fought over were about that. I didn't know how to be the kind of wife he wanted. When I looked across the crowded party it was glaring to me. If Anna had planned a graduation party it would be on the lawns at Jeff's father's home. There would be caterers and servers. The food would be gourmet. Anna would be stunning in a spring cocktail dress. There would be a band. I suddenly felt sad. I felt like I'd failed. I looked up and Julia and her husband "Brad" walked through the door. Only two of their children were with them, their oldest was already at Yale. They'd bought a house there and after his graduation party he left to get acquainted with the area. I felt completely naked and I looked around for Joan but I didn't see her anywhere. Some of the guests had gone out to the garden and I imagined she was out there with Ted and some of my friends and their families. These women were Joan's friends too. We were in various political groups together. I looked back to Julia and she had moved to Jeff and Anna. Jeff's father Neil was also there, I hadn't seen him come in. I could feel myself starting to cry. I felt so small in that moment. It was likely the emotional shift knowing Charlie was leaving, my first child to leave home. It was also Clara, not just the things she said, but this precipice she was on. It was the information about Margaret. I knew I needed to speak with Jeff. I planned on calling him the next week. Seeing them all there, all fitting together so perfectly. I watched as Julia talked with Anna. It was smooth and even Julia's facial expressions softened. They seemed like sorority sisters. I didn't want to walk over and greet them. I looked to the other side of the room and saw Charlie finishing a conversation with a group. I noticed him look in his father's direction, stare for a moment. When Jeff looked up, Charlie walked back towards me.

"Did you say hello to your father and Anna?" I asked him when he got near.

"Mom. I didn't want you to invite them in the first place."

"Well he's here. Doesn't that mean anything?" I snapped at him. He looked at me with concern. "Just go say hello."

He let out a breath and turned back towards the parlor. I watched as he approached the group. Anna was the first to greet him. She kissed him on the cheek. I couldn't tell what she was saying but it was obviously congratulatory. I knew that Neil and Julia would offer tepid congratulations, maybe even ask why he was going to Colombia instead of Yale, his father's alma mater. Jeff stood and shook Charlie's hand. Then, I watched as Charlie assumed a detached, professional air. I'd never seen him do that before. He acted as if he were a business man with a group of clients. I could see him nodding and small talking. There was little exchange between him and his father but still Charlie had found a way to endure the interaction which I knew was torture for him. Somehow they had grouped him with me. In their estimation I wasn't of the same ilk, by association they acted the same way towards Charlie. As if Charlie were Jeff's step child; as if some other man were Charlie's father. So there was Charlie and then Jeff's other children. To them, the other children were of that stature, but I had raised them so poorly that they were hardly much different.

I looked up and Julia was standing in front of me, "Eve, Darling. I was wondering when the hostess was going to greet her guests!" she teased but it was still all Julia. "I'm just teasing I know you're busy. This really is a lovely party." I examined Julia. She wore a silk straight skirt and Jacket. She had large diamond stud earrings. The thing about Julia was her blonde hair. As much as I loathed her as a person, I always envied her hair. Her styles were up to date and they always suited her so well. Her blond hair was up in a twist. It made her look even more well-bred. She was so put together in her silver silk suit, her black pumps and her beautiful hair.

"I'm so glad you came, Julia." I said and leaned over and kissed her cheek. The awkwardness between us only exaggerated my feelings of exclusion. It was in such stark contrast to her behavior with Anna. I looked over her shoulder, Charlie had left the conversation and it was just Jeff, Anna and Neil. When I glanced over Jeff was looking in my direction. When my eyes met his he offered a sympathetic smile. It made me want to cry. I didn't know which was worse, that I felt so diminished by his family or that he felt sorry for me. I didn't smile back, I just averted my gaze back to Julia. I felt a hand on my back. I turned to see Clara. I let out a sharp breath. I recognized it immediately. She was completely high on drugs. She draped her arm around my shoulder and put her head down, in an exaggerated slurred sigh she said, "Im so fucking tired."

"Excuse me, Julia," I said. I turned to Clara and tried to remove her arm. I tried to lead her back to her room, but she pushed my arm away. She walked over to Julia.

Julia's eyebrows were raised. It was all happening too fast. I couldn't hide Clara.

"Oh shit, Aunt Julia," she said practically in a yawn. "you know what I never noticed about you?"

"What is that Clara?" Julia had stiffened and she took a small bird-style sip of her drink. "Please, Clara enlighten me." She was frowning at Clara.

Clara's mascara had smudged under her eyes. Her hair was again that wild blaze of frizzy red. She had on the same boots and short skirt. On top she wore a fringed leather vest. The fringes hung down past her skirt. She was still the tall, thin girl she always had been and if it weren't for her demeanor she'd still would have been very pretty, but it was clear she was on drugs. Her eyes stood out the most. The same enormous dilated pupils.

"Clara, come with me." I commanded but she pulled away from me again.

"I want to tell aunt Julia that I think of her as a universe. Everyone knows that everyone else is a universe, but you really are Aunt Julia."

In the corner of my eye I saw Jeff looking over at us. He was turning his head to get a better view. "Come on Clara," I tried again.

"I'm not saying you're a dark universe. Like a black hole." Clara was now making a gesture with her hands to support her argument.

"Clara," Julia interrupted," you're drunk or something else." Then Julia looked at me as though it were my fault.

I took hold of Clara's arm and led her into the kitchen away from everyone. She tried to light a cigarette but when she reached for the pack I took it away. "Clara listen to me. I'm going to take you to your room. I want you to stay in there until everyone leaves. Or Joan will take you for a drive somewhere. This is your brothers—"

At that Jeff and Anna entered the room. Jeff rushed over to where I was standing, "what's going on?" he turned to me and stared. He looked like he was waiting for me to explain.

"I have it under control."

'Well it doesn't look like you do."

"Daddy," Clara cried and reached to put her arms around him. Instead he took hold of her arms and held her a short distance from him.

He bent down and looked her in the face, "you listen to me Clara. You will stop this right now."

She closed her eyes and started crying.

"Let go of her arms, Jeff," I said and pulled her towards me.

While he was talking Charlie entered the kitchen. I hadn't noticed him until Jeff and I started arguing. Jeff stood there shaking his head at me as Clara sobbed in my arms. "What have you done to her Eve? What is she so upset about."

I saw Anna move towards him and put her hand on his arm.

"Jesus Christ Eve."

"Jesus Christ Eve? That's what you have to say? You don't have any right to say anything! I asked you for help with her, but you just walked out."

Just as I was finishing Julia walked into the kitchen too. Jeff, Anna and Julia all stared at me as Clara sobbed in my arms.

Charlie stepped out in front of his father, "I want you to leave."
Jeff opened his eyes wide in disbelief. He stood taller and looked down on Charlie, "you do, do you? Why's that son?"

Charlie stared at Jeff for a long moment with Jeff posturing authority. "I didn't want you here in the first place."

"Anna, let's go." Jeff said.

As they were walking out, Clara grew limp in my arms and it was hard for me to hold her up. Jeff turned and looked at me. He walked over and lifted Clara into his arms and started carrying her as you would a bride over the threshold. "Where's her room?" he asked. It hadn't dawned on me that he didn't know the layout of the house.

"It's this way," I said and led him through the dining room to the stairs. We had to pass all of the guests and I felt sick about f it. I couldn't help but cry. Tears just fell as we walked past all of the people we knew. Clara was in Jeff's arms. I led him into her room. It was just the two of us with Clara. Everyone else waited downstairs. He lay her down on the bed. My hands were shaking as I tried to wake her. "Clara, darling wake up for a moment." He watched me as I shook her gently.

"what are you doing?" he asked

"I want to make sure she's conscious." Finally she opened her eyes. "Are you all right darling?"

She nodded and rolled back over asleep. I looked at Jeff.

"What's going on?" he asked.

I was shaking. I didn't think I would be able to keep handling things any more. It was too much. "she's doing drugs." I said.

"I can see that--when did this start?"

"I don't think it's been going on very long. I don't know. She hasn't been happy. She never attended any of the classes at the university. And then the other night—I felt my stomach drop—when you were here. After you left, she was like this."

"Jesus Eve."

"Why do you say 'Jesus Eve'? Do you think this is my fault?"

He just shook his head.

"Did you ever think maybe it's your fault?" I asked.

"You're the one taking care of her, Eve."

"Do you think it's that simple?" I waited when he didn't respond I continued. "Don't you think that other things influenced her life? Things from the past? She's lived through hell for years. All your doing! But you're not interested in taking responsibility."

His gaze didn't move. He was staring at me. He didn't say anything.

"Are you?" I pressed. I could have run over and slapped him across the face.

"Am I what Eve?" he sounded condescending to me.

"There's no use. Just go home. I stopped waiting for your help a long time ago."

He scoffed, "Jesus Eve, you're just the same. You can't even have a rational conversation." He walked out and back downstairs. I wished I had found a way to broach the subject of Margaret. To tell him what she'd told me, but how could I?

I needed to go back down and make things right for Charlie but I was worried about leaving Clara alone. Keep the party together. Who else was going to do it. I wished Jeff had agreed to stay upstairs with Clara. I wished I'd thought of that. I was sure Anna would have as strange as that would have been but Clara was Jeff's daughter. In the end, I went back to the party Jeff and his family had left. There were only a few people left. I asked Joan if she would sit with Clara for a little while. Charlie was sitting with a couple of his friends and he seemed no worse for the wear. I felt bad that he felt he had to tell his father to leave. I felt bad about the whole thing.

Once the house was empty and I knew Clara was safe, I went back down to the kitchen and started cleaning up. It was 10:00 and Jeff and Charlie were up in their rooms. I collected glasses and dishes from the front rooms and piled them on the kitchen table. I was putting some of the left overs in the refrigerator when Charlie walked in. He walked over and sat down at the table. He looked at me. He looked sad or maybe just tired.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

He nodded.

"What's wrong with Clara?"

I didn't know if I should tell him the truth and if I were to lie what would I say? My eyes filled but I stopped myself from crying. "I don't know the whole story Charlie."

"What do you mean? She's doing drugs, that's obvious."
"yes. I think she is. But she's very upset aobut something."

"What?"

"Charlie my life has been one lie after another, ever since I met your dad. It wasn't his fault. It was mine."

"What does that have to do with Clara?"

"You know that your father was married to Clara's mother when I first met him."

Although Charlie knew it, it was never something we discussed. In fact once we were in Chicago, it was as though nothing had ever happened to lead up to it. Charlie was the obvious consequence of my affair but it was as though we all just assumd positions and began acting out this life, the story we told ourselves.

"I guess I did know that. Of course I did."

I nodded. I looked up towards the ceiling and let out a breath. I looked back at him, "do you really want me to do this. I've already ruined your party."

"My party was fine. You didn't ruin anything."

"I don't have all the information and I don't want to make you angrier at your father than you already are."

"What did he do?"

"Charlie. Part of all the lies I told. I mean, I wonder if your relationship with your father is so bad because I'd pretended he wasn't your father for so long, the whole time before we moved to Chicago."

He leaned his head back. He looked so much like Jeff. He had his tie loosened and his hair was a little tousled. He let out a deep breath. "Mom. I don't like my father because I watched him beat you. I was there when he tried to kill you. Mom. What's wrong with you?"

"don't say that."

"Honestly. Why did you invite him and his wife here. He was having an affair with her when he left you."

"I don't like for you to talk to me that way."

'I don't know how else to do it."

"You're acting like I have a relationship with the man. I haven't spent more than five minutes with him in 7 years. I'm trying to explain what's going on with your sister."

'What's going on with her?"

"She told me something and I have to talk with your father and find out if its true."

"What did she tell you?"

"She said her mother committed suicide. Did you know that?"

He shook his head. "I thought she was pregnant and died because of an infection. I don't know who told me that."

"that's what your father told me so I probably told you."

We sat quietly for a moment. There were mountains of dishes and so much cleaning to do. I just wanted to climb into bed and hide. I wanted a way to escape for a little while.

"don't say anything to Jeffrey right now, all right?"

He nodded. "why would he lie to you about it?"

I was numb, "I don't know."

"that's a big thing to lie about."

I nodded. "Clara said she was with her mother when she did it."

"oh my God," Charlie looked like he was going to stand up, go somewhere. It was just a look of shock, a reflex to go and protect his sister.

"I don't know, Charlie. I have to find out. She is acting crazy. I don't know what kind of drugs she's doing."

"She's doing LSD and grass. She's drinking."

"How do you know that."

"I know."

I stood up to start cleaning. "I'm sorry for all of this, Charlie. Not just the party. I always thought I was taking good care of you three, but I can see that I caused you harm."

Charlie stood up and came over to me. He put his arms around me. When he pulled away he stayed close. "It's not you. It's him."