How to Hide a Body

What to expect:
- mememememememe
- Texting Fic
- No shipping
- Dark and Edgy (alternate chapter title)
- AU, different backstory
- Thank
- Enjoy

- - -

???
Hey uh

Do you

Do you know how to hide a body?

Tony
Pardon me but what the fuck

- - -

Tony tapped his foot against the ground, humming along to Centuries as it played through the lab. It wasn't among his favorite songs, but some intern had been playing it the other day aND NOW IT WAS STUCK IN HIS HEAD GODDAMNIT-

He curled his hand tighter around his screwdriver and attempted to concentrate even harder on his newest project. Which might have been possible, had he not received a text at that exact moment.

A string of curses flew from his mouth. He glanced over at his phone, trying to figure out who would dare to break his perfect concentration. He didn't recognize the number, which sent worry signals straight to his head.

He bit his lip and attempted to steady his slightly shaking hand as he reached for the phone.

-

???
Hi!

Tony
Who are you and how did I ruin your life?

???
Geez, dark much?

I'm just your number neighbor

Tony
Pardon?

???
Number neighbor!

Our phone numbers are one number different!

Tony
Hm.

Kay then.

???
Soooo lets make a game out of this, shall we?

Tony
Depends

???
Try and figure out my name

Tony
That's it?

???
Mhmm

Tony
Easy.

Give me ten minutes.

Actually, make that five.

-

Tony chuckled. "FRIDAY!" He called, "track this number for me, please?"

"Of course, sir."

Tony waited a minute, reminding himself that this was a complete stranger and he couldn't trust them.

"Sir?"

Tony clicked his tongue. "Yeah Fri?"

"I can't track this number."

"What? Why?"

"I can't find any information. It's all hidden."

"Damn," Tony hissed.

-

Tony
Fine. You win.

Who am I?

???
Haha!

Gimmie a second-

Tony
Good luck figuring me out

???
HOLY ASKSKSKSKS

YOU'RE TONY STARK

Tony
Wh-

You shouldn't know that

???
You're the one who told me to track you

Tony
I didn't think you could actually DO IT.

???
Haha well

I can

And you should hire me

Because I'm a genius

Tony
Thats not actually a bad idea

But I can't unless you tell me your name

???
Hahahaha no

You can't hire me anyway

Tony
I do what I want

???
Yeah no

Anyway, gotta fly

Ciao Mr. Billionaire

Tony
Trillionaire

???
Whatever

Bye

Tony
Buh-bye

- - -

Tony didn't mean to keep texting with his number neighbor...

...but they were so friendly and charming and nice and doN'T BLAME HIM YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME THING.

He sat in his work shop, working on his latest creation, when his phone buzzed. A smile grew on his face and he picked up quickly.

-

???

Tony
I-

That-

Pffff-

???

Tony
Who..?

???
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHO?"

ITS TEAM ROCKET

Tony
...

Who

???
You absolute coat hangered swine

I can't even talk to you right now

Tony
Geez

So dramatic

???
And the kettle calls the pot black

Tony
Excuse you

I am not dramatic

I'm fucking fAbUlOuS

???
Whatever you say old man

Tony
*le gasp*

I AM NOT OLD

???
Sure

Tony
I'm not!

???
Ack, sorry!

Gotta go

Ttyl old man

Tony
I'm not old!

HEY

HEY GET BACK HERE

IM NOT DONE

NOOOOOOOO

- - -

Tony wasn't really concerned about his new friend. Sure, they could have been an assassin sent by god-knows-who to kill him. But what assassin sent memes? And was on a school schedule? (Tony had kept track of when the other had texted him, he was quite the smart cookie.)

A buzz from his phone alerted him to an incoming message.

Pepper raised an eyebrow. "You're absolutely certain that this person is safe?"

"Yep," Tony responded, popping the 'P' as he opened his messages.

-

???
Hey uh

Do you

Do you know how to hide a body?

Tony
Pardon me but what the fuck

-

Tony stared down at his phone. "Never mind."

-

???
I uh

It's for school

Yeah

Tony
That is the worst excuse you could have possibly come up with

What the fuck

???
Okay fine fine

I may have killed someone

Tony
On purpose or on accident?

???
I plead the fifth

Tony
You

You really aren't helping

???
okay but still

I need a place to put a dead guy

Tony
W h y

???
Ugh fine

No telling, got it?

Tony
I promise

???
Good

So

I'm an assassin

Tony
W h a t ?

???
I work for SHIELD

Which I assume you know what that is

Tony
Yeah, I do

???
Well I work for them

And they wanted me to kill this guy

Tony
Hold on, aren't you just a kid?

???
No? Why would you think that?

Tony
Your first excuse was that this was for a school project

And you never respond during school hours

???
...fair point

Tony
Why does SHIELD have kid killers?

That never turns out well

???
Do ya want me to finish?

Tony
Fine fine

Continue

???
So anyway I was told to kill this Trump guy-

Tony
The p r e s i d e n t ?

???
No some other guy named Trump

Tony
Is that sarcasm

???
No

But anyway

The police found my last dumping ground

And I need a new one

But I'll be found if it's too obvious

So, any ideas?

Tony
N o

???
That's fine, I found a spot

Thanks anyway Mr. Stark

Oh, and did you know?

Tony
Know what?

???
You're getting a personal intern on Friday

Tony
How could you possibly know-

-

"Hey Tones?"

Tony was pulled from his screen when Pepper called his name. "Yeah?" He responded, his voice a bit uneven.

"We're trying something new this week. Since your only friend is some random guy that texted you, I'm giving you a personal intern."

"O-oh." Tony froze. So he was finally going to meet this murderous kid, huh? "What's their name?"

"Peter Parker. You'll meet them-"

"-Friday?"

Pepper raised an eyebrow. "Yeah. How did you-" she paused. "Know what? Never mind. Just be nice to him."

"Will do." As long as he doesn't kill me first, he added mentally.

-

Tony
See you on Friday

Peter

Peter
See ya then, Mr. Dramatic

See

You

Then

- - -
(A/N)
Word Count: 1005
Written: April 21st, 2020

WOW OKAY

That was dark and edgy~

I had fun tho. Might have made it longer but imma go to bed

Hope you enjoyed. Part II?

Also, changing the side the text was on was a pain in the arse. I eventually just typed it all out on one side and swapped it over later but still-

Uhh hope you enjoyed have a nice day don't forget to vote and comment I'd appreciate it thank