content warning: child abuse

part 4

"They'll deliver the gifts here? Tomorrow?" she asks after a while. She's seated on the sofa, lazily browsing through the catalogues of movies while he's moving about the kitchen preparing their drinks. Martini, for herself. And scotch whiskey, for him.

"Yes. We'll need to rearrange the library to accommodate all the instruments. Unless you want to take them home with you?"

They've already dressed down. Kai's wearing the dark grey night wear she bought from Miami while she made herself comfortable in one of his plain white shirts, again.

She loves wearing his clothes. He does too. She feels it in the way his eyes follow the shape of her body and linger especially in the places where the shirt fails to cover her.

"Hmm. Let's see muna how it will look putting the instruments here. Yung 'di kakasya, I'll bring home with me. But the guitar though, iuuwi ko sa 'min. I wanna be able to use it for my songs."

Kai nods but doesn't answer.

She turns off the TV and gives up looking for a movie to watch. Instead, her attention skids back to the looming figure across the suite, now making way toward her, two glasses in hand.

He gives the cocktail to her, drops his own on the center table, and settles on the space beside her. The pillows make a dip when he reclines his back, his right arm extending sideward to keep her close, his left leg crossing over the other.

Faintly, she can feel his fingers make tentative brushes on the skin of her arm.

Milly grins, swirling the glass.

She loves it when he does that. Take his territory and claim it for himself. His tall and ripped body almost occupying half of the sofa or any space everytime.

She thinks it's incredibly sexy. Loves how he can still make her feel vulnerable and safe at the same time. Dominated. Secured. Taken care of.

Taking a few sips of the martini, she puts it back down and sidles up to him. In half a second, he's already gathering her in his arms, and it almost feels like second nature to lay her head on top of his chest.

She loves doing that too.

Hearing his heart beat under his skin.

Feeling him breath under her palms.

Craving for his warmth, and his spicy scent, and the feel of his body next to hers.

But she's not the only one. Because she knows how Kai enjoys having any kind of physical connection with her too. How his arms are always seeking her the same way her palms are always seeking the familiar and comforting warmth and texture of his skin. It's an addiction she's willingly succumbing to. Like her own magic drug.

"You know... you forgot to tell me something too," she says in a thoughtful voice. Kai's playing with the strands of her hair.

"Ano?"

"I told you my meaning of eleven. I was hoping to know yours. Why you didn't like it that much when it's your birthday naman. You told me you'll tell me. 'Di pa rin ba pwede?"

"It's not that I don't want you to know," he answers. "Ayoko lang sirain ang araw mo."

Milly blinks. "It's that awful? Na you think it will ruin my day if I find out about it?"

"No. But you care too much. Anything I say will upset you kahit mababaw lang naman."

She can't refute that because he's probably right.

"Will you tell me now?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Sana? But only if you'd want me to. If you're not comfortable naman, that's fine too."

"I want you to," he says, and then he becomes quiet for a long time. A sigh lifts and lowers his chest. "I don't even know where or how to start."

"From the beginning na lang siguro? Is it that bad?"

"It's not. But it was for me at the time when it happened so the distaste for birthdays stuck with me until now."

"What happened?" She looks up to study his face. Their eyes meet and Kai kisses the top of her head before continuing. That's probably the twentieth kiss she received today. Not that she's complaining.

"It was on my birthday when it happened. My mother baked a cake for me. It was a small and intimate e party just for the three of us and I remember being excited. Because for the first time, I'm celebrating with just us. Even then, I didn't like crowds that much."

She waits when he pauses again — feels like she's hanging on for every word. For some reasons, she's growing nervous.

"And?"

"Dad was already drinking when he came home. Mom was setting up the table and I was trying to be obedient. I took the three-layered cake from the ref and tried to bring it to her. But I slipped on something. Can't remember what anymore."

"Oh no. The cake fell?"

He nods. "Yeah. Mom tried saving what's left of it but Dad saw what happened. He didn't like how I couldn't even do something so simple. So he disciplined me. He locked up in a dark storage room to teach me a lesson."

Her heart sinks.

"I was there for eleven minutes. It could have been longer than that. I stopped counting after eleven."

And drops to the floor.

She couldn't believe her ears.

"What?" Milly pulls away from him and sits upright to look at his face properly. Kai looks so casual, so detached from it, but she isn't. Disbelief and shock are fueling her pulse even as she asks, "Why would he do that? How could he do that?"

Kai tries to tug her back down to his chest. Trying to placate her. To show her that he doesn't care about it anymore so she shouldn't too. But she does. Gods.

She could never imagine a child going through that. Any child.

Let alone Kai.

"He was drunk. He wasn't thinking straight," he says that like it's supposed to calm her down, like it's a justifiable excuse for what's been done.

Milly's eyes start to sting. Gods.

"Even so. You were just a child and he... he was your dad! Sinasaktan ka ba ng daddy mo before? Was that the first time or... or... lagi siyang gano'n sa 'yo?" she asks the last part with a trembling voice, her palms getting colder with dread.

When Kai hesitates to answer, she hears the answer in his silence — and her heart aches even more.

"Only when he's drunk and when he thinks I'm falling short of their expectations," he says calmly, still reassuringly. Milly draws a shaky breath.

"And now?"

She bites her lips, afraid to hear the answer.

"Matagal nang hindi."

Sighing in relief, she tries to let go of the tension gnawing in her chest. But it doesn't ease up even when she takes another breath.

She's shaking and her body feels so cold.

"How old were you then?"

"It was my seventh birthday."

"Seven?" Dismay hits her gut like a punch. "Babe, you were too young. Why would he do that to a young child?"

"For him, it was discipline," he answers way too fast, almost matter-of-factly that she has to clarify.

"But you know it's not," she asks, desperately, "right? You know you didn't deserve it?"

Kai sits up from his reclined position and looks at her in the eyes, searching. "I did, eventually. After I moved out. Are you okay?"

Milly sighs again — swallows the lump in her throat. How could she be? Her mind is racing, but there are no thoughts inside. Just pure shock at the revelation.

Kai had recounted the experience as though he felt nothing about it anymore. But when she tries to place herself in that little child's shoes, she can only imagine the horror and terror he'd felt, being locked alone in a storage room for who knows how long? By the people he trusted to protect him.

Kai omitted the gritty details, but she can vividly picture it all.

The crying... the pleading... the uncertainty if you'd be heard. Feelings of being abandoned.

The eventual submission. And hopelessness.

Waiting in the corner until they let you out again.

Counting and counting and counting until it's over.

And then the self-blame after.

Gods, it's too much. She can't handle even just the thought of it, so how could he... as a child...

How could his parents put him through that nightmare?

No wonder... no wonder he hates his birthday so much and yet... like a fool, she kept reminding him of it.

Gods. How foolish can she be?

Her eyes well up, and with shaking hands, she takes both of his and brings them closer to her lips, murmuring the words she can barely form against his skin like a reverent apology.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry for not knowing.

I'm sorry for being insensitive.

I'm sorry for not being there.

Worry flashes on his face, and he softens as he takes one of his hands back to cup her cheek and wipe a tear away with his thumb. "Milly... Matagal nang tapos 'yon."

"Kahit pa. You didn't deserve to go through that and I... I can't believe...," she counters. "How... how long did he... How many times..."

"I don't know. I didn't count after the first time," he says and the admission sends another rush of cold down her body. That many times? "He doesn't drink anymore. He only hurts me when he's drunk. It's not as frequent and severe as you think and it already stopped a long time ago, I promise. I'm also older now. You think I'll let him hurt me again?"

"Age is just an age, baby," she says, tearing up. "Regardless of the age. You will always be your parents' child. He probably can't hurt you physically anymore. But this"—she touches his chest—"this stays. It stays longer here. I would know. And regardless of the severity and the frequency, the fact that he even laid his hands on his child... That's wrong. Why did your mom even..."

"Allow that? I don't know either. I never asked. In my father's eyes, he was disciplining me and beating me to shape. To make me better. My mother... I don't know. Each time, she stood there watching. Crying, but she only just watched. Maybe she's powerless against him. I don't know. I never bothered to ask. After I moved out, I kept my eyes forward and never looked back."

Still so casual and calm about it. Had they hurt him so bad that he's no longer capable of feeling anything about it anymore?

That's even worse. And it's terrifying to think that it went on for as long as it did, with no one else to stop it.

How much did he have to endure? She can't even tell from his expression because he makes it sound so easy. But she knows it's not.

It's not.

He makes it sound like it's normal for him. But it's not.

It shouldn't be.

When Milly pushes her face to his chest to cover her tears, Kai snakes his arms around her and leans them back down again. Soothingly, his palm makes circles on her back.

"It's long over now. Don't worry about it anymore."

As if she can forget, ever.

"Who else knew?" she asks, her voice getting muffled by his shirt.

"To this extent? No one else. Just you."

So he's been keeping it a secret all this time, she thinks. Another stretch of time passes as she lets that sink and register in her mind for real. She's grateful that he trusts her this much to lay his skeletons out in the open and share them with her. But at the same time, she's reeling.

Because every time she looks at Kai, he's never struck her as anything but strong and stable. He's always been so firm... and ever so steady. She would never have guessed that he was carrying that much baggage from his past.

From his family.

After a while, when she's calmer, she gets the chance to ask him the weighted question circling in her head. "Have you forgiven them for it?"

Kai falls silent for a moment, and she's not sure what answer she'd prefer to hear.

"I still love them," he says beats later and she clenches her hand around the hem of his shirt. In pain. In understanding.

"Forgiveness and love are two different things though."

"What about you? Have you forgiven them? Your parents?"

The image of her family comes back unbidden, and all the times she spent most of her life alone and looking for a place to belong to flash back like a montage in her head.

"I didn't hold any grudges so there was nothing to forgive. But the gaping hole they left behind is still here. It used to hurt before. Now I'm just numb. I love them dearly. I just wish... they didn't leave me like that."

"Hmm." Kai hums, contemplative. "I think I have. I don't think about it anymore and I can face him anytime I want now. Maybe I already have. Or maybe it's because I already know how to defend myself so he doesn't affect me anymore. After college, I had plenty of time to sort myself out and deal with it. I'm way better now."

"Did they ever apologize though? To you, for what they did? My dad does. Always. And it makes me feel bad each time he does."

"No. That's one thing they'll never do. It's the reason why apologies don't come easy for me either. I was shaped to be stern and unforgiving. To always obey them and do what they want — no matter what. Regardless of who I need to face to get there. I was taught to know my worth and fight for my way to the top so everyone else will have no choice but to listen to me. To get whatever I want however I want, as long as I don't compromise the values they instilled in me."

"Like a king," she comments, realizing it. "Sounds to me like they were raising you to be a king."

"Or a soldier."

Milly lets out a deep sigh. Because that's true too.

"Kaya pala. Now it makes sense. Why you're so committed to your work. Why you've always been so stern when I first met you. Why you rarely allowed any room for mistakes or any kind of games. It's because of them. Of how they raised you. You were raised to be proper and perfect. Kaya tayo madalas mag-away n'on. Because I'm the exact opposite of that."

"And you changed that. You let me see in another perspective — that it's not necessarily wrong to deviate from the norms."

Milly sits back up, eyes wide in realization. "Gods. Now it makes so much sense. Kaya rin ang tindi ng self-control mo!"

"Yes. But look where I am now." Kai's chuckling. "I wanted you more than what I thought was right. Even though I didn't believe in that kind of arrangement. It didn't matter eventually. I just needed to have you."

"And now you have me."

"Now I do. You changed the meaning of eleven to me, unknowingly. Did you realize that?" Kai sits up again and clasps her hand with his, thumbing her ring. "It used to remind me of that night. But now... I'll only remember you in this moment."

Milly softens and melts.

Into him, more and more.

"You changed me too. You're like an anchor, Kai. You ground me."

"And you... do you know what you are to me? What I was thinking while you were telling me about your eleven?" He answers before she can even ask, "You are my compass. You're my new direction." His gaze falls on the necklace he gave her. "My true north."

"Because I'm a constant?"

"Because you are where I want to be. To understand you more. Get to know you more. Be with you more."

Milly doesn't answer — can't. She's feeling way too much. Instead, she chooses to answer him with what she knows best.

Kai arches his brows as Milly shifts and straddles his lap. She grabs her phone from the side and sets the timer.

"What are you doing?"

She looks at him in the eyes, softly, deeply. And tenderly caresses his face. Letting that loving action speak what she herself can't.

Then she presses quick kisses to his lips. Eleven times.

"This is a day of new memories. So let's add a new one. Count this, baby. Count only this from now on," she says, and then she's wrapping her arms around his neck, burying her nose in the curve of his shoulders as she clings to him tightly.

One of his hands flies to the back of her head while the other find its way to the small of her back as an automatic response.

Kai chuckles. "What's this?"

"Eleven minutes, baby. For you to count. It may not heal that hurt and it may never undo what's been done to you then. But I want to give you something else to remember. Think of me when you go back to this moment. How I held on to you like this. How I felt for you so fiercely. Because I do, Kai. Despite all my fears and excuses, I do care about you. More than I cared about anyone else. And if I can help it, I will never leave you alone in the dark like that. You deserve to be loved like this. You deserve to remember only this."

Kai takes a deep breath and pulls her even closer. If that's even possible. "Then you promise to stay. For a long time."

She knows she can't. She'll probably regret this in the future. But in his arms, like that, all she can say is yes.

Yes, she wants to stay.

Yes, she wants to be with him forever.

Yes, if love is real.

Then she wants to have it with him and no one else.

For as long as she can.

For as long as he wants.

sharawt to kat for the header!!