It feels like death, every step she's taking to him because she knows where this is heading, where she is leading them.

Her heart won't stop twisting inside her chest. Kai is just behind the gates. The dread she feels knowing how angry and burned out he is because of her makes her pause for a minute. Is she ready to see that? The consequences of her selfish decisions?

Is she ready to face him after all this time, knowing they can't be together, even when all she wants to do is run back to him and beg him to never leave her like everyone else has done?

She's not. She can never be.

But she continues forward, preparing herself for his anger.

After all the shit she put him through, it's only right. She left without proper closure after all. Even after everything he did for her, even after all the sacrifices. All that, down the drain, because she's a fucking coward. If the roles had been reversed, if she were the one in his shoes right now, Milly's sure she wouldn't have been able to handle it like how he's doing now.

That's not surprising to her anymore. Kai's always been different from everyone else.

He's level-headed when she's not. Her only anchor amidst all this chaos.

Milly bites back the tears. Pinching the skin of her hand, she takes a deep breath to force down the lump in her throat.

She reminds herself that she deserves this, all the cold and anger. All the frustrations. If he decides to unleash it all on her, she's determined to embrace all of it.

She's the one who walked away. She doesn't have any right to even feel right now.

Her hands keep shaking when she opens the gates. Kai's already expecting her when they swing open. In that first second when their gazes finally meet, her breathing almost stops and holds.

Gods.

This man, the only man she's ever loved.

Now looking at her with all kinds of anger, and all kinds of disappointment, his face now rough and hardened by exhaustion.

As she expects, his anger's already burning off of him when he edges closer to her.

She can't breathe.

She said this was for their own good, for his own good.

So why does it feel like she's killing them both?

"Sino 'yon?" Kai bites out, his breathing harsh, his fists clenched tightly at his sides. "Sino yung lalaking 'yon?"

Milly winces at his sharp tone. "That's Sio. Just a colleague I know from one of my gigs. He's a musician too, like me. He asked for a favor 'cause he needed to boost his career. That's why I agreed to collab with him at the music fest. But that's it," she explains, almost pleading. "There's nothing between us. That kiss... I didn't know he would do that. Wala 'yon sa usapan." She lowers her head. "I'm sorry. I should've been more careful."

The look he gives her is long and searching. Like he's looking for the answers in her eyes that she's not sure are even there. Not when she's a mess like this.

Not when what she wants and what she must do are battling in her head like storm and wild fire.

She looks away, unable to bear the weight of his unspoken questions.

Kai sighs, and she feels his anger wearing out.

"At ikaw? Anong ginawa mo nitong dalawang buwan?" he asks, the hardness of his voice giving out into something she recognizes.

She nibbles on her lower lip, fighting off the tightness in her throat.

Has it only been that long? Because it already felt like an eternity had passed without him in her life. Each minute is a second too long. Each day, a nightmare she didn't want to live through. She missed him.

She missed him so bad it hurt like hell.

But she can't say that, can she? What right does she have?

Ang kapal ng mukha mo.

The message flashes in her head, and she shuts her eyes.

"I was... busy with the family," she says in a weak voice. "There were discussions about Lolo's assets. And I was also... trying to finish Maestra's piece..."

Kai lets out a long and painful sigh.

"Milly..." he calls out, his tone softening even more. "Ni isang beses ba, sumagi ako sa isip mo?"

Her heart almost breaks itself out of her chest when she hears the pain in his voice. She sucks in a shaky breath.

"Weren't you doing well? I saw your pictures... from Kuya Rigel. You were sailing again."

"Kaya 'di mo ko binalikan? Kasi akala mo maayos ako?"

She clenches her hands to prevent herself from crumbling. The silence between them becomes deafening.

"Milly..." he says again, voice cracking, and tears start to prick her eyes. "Bakit?"

She knew this question would come again. Each time, the answer is getting harder to come by.

"Bakit ka lumayo? Bakit mo 'ko iniwan? Bakit pati ako tinulak mo palayo?"

She can only cast her head low as more tears fall out.

"Wala ka na bang balak balikan ako? It's been months..."

"I'm sorry..." are the only words she can get herself to say without falling apart in front of him. She's biting her lips so hard, it must as well start bleeding.

Like how the rest of her are.

"It's not your apology that I want. You know that. At least look at me. Kahit ba ngayon, 'di pa rin kita maabot?"

She pinches her hand again. Because she can't.

She can't.

"I'm not me anymore, Kai," she admits, voice thick with emotions, still unable to look him in the eyes. "I tried. I really tried. I tried to be okay. I tried to be good for you. I tried to pick up the pieces of my life because I wanted it too, you know? That future with you. The one you wanted. I wanted so bad to have it with you."

Her throat burns as a sob spills out and she forces the next words out.

"But wala na. Nothing's left in me. I have nothing else left to give you. Not even broken pieces of me. Wala na. It's unfair to ask you to love me if there's nothing more to love. And I can't... I can't watch you get hurt dahil lang 'di mo 'ko matulungan. No one can help me."

Kai takes a step closer, desperate.

"Why are you making that decision for me? Hindi ba ako ang dapat magdesisyon kung gusto pa kitang mahalin o hindi? Bakit mo sinasabi na wala ka nang kayang ibigay sa 'kin? Wala naman akong hinihingi sa 'yo?" He reaches forward and holds her arms. Her breath holds in her throat at the sudden contact. "Milly. Bigyan mo naman ako ng pagkakataon. We were fine the way we were. Wala naman kailangan magbago. Kung oras ang kailangan mo, 'di ko naman ipagdadamot."

The begging in his voice wrecks her, and she almost gives in to him.

It's easy to believe that everything would be okay, that she would be okay, that they would be okay. It's easy to just surrender to what she feels, to come back to his arms and stay there forever. But each time she'd go there, she can hear his mother in her head.

Sisirain mo ang kinabukasan ng anak ko.

And what hurts the most?

It's that she believes it, she believes her.

She's not good for Kai.

She's not good for anyone, not even herself.

Not right now. Maybe not ever.

"I'm sorry," she says in defeat, prying his hands off of her as if that can make them strangers to each other again, as if that can stop the hurt, as if that can remove all the longing and love between them. "I'm sorry. But I can't be that selfish. I'm sorry, Kai... I'm so sorry..."

The heaviness of her emotions well up inside her, and she turns around, away from him, hiding her face with her hands, so he won't see how she's breaking once again.

Her back presses against his chest as his arms wrap around her. Her chest further constricts when he presses the side of his cheek against hers.

"Hindi mo na ba ako mahal?" he asks in a murmur. "Kasi mahal na mahal kita, Milly. Mahal na mahal kita."

She feels his tears first. Falling on her shoulder. And then the trembling.

"Mahal na mahal kita. Ikaw lang."

She freezes when he lowers himself down to his knees, arms still clinging to her.

"Kai..." she says in panic, turning to face him, trying to pull him up.

"Kung kailangan kong magmakaawa, para lang 'wag mo tayong sukuan, gagawin ko. 'Wag mo 'kong iwan. 'Wag mo tayong tapusin. Stop running away from me. Pwede naman kitang hintayin. I can give you everything. But not this. Milly, please."

A sob escapes her mouth as she too falls to her knees and holds him. "Kai, please, don't do this..." she says, trying to pull him up again.

Kai buries his face in her shoulder, arms trembling around her.

"Kailangan din kita. Ikaw lang ang meron ako. 'Wag mo naman akong tiisin nang ganito. Nasasakal at napapagod na rin ako," he says in a tight voice. "Akala ko kaya kong maghintay muna kung gusto mong lumayo. Akala ko kaya ko na wala akong balita sa 'yo. Pero bawat araw na dumadaan na wala ka sa tabi ko, natatakot ako na baka 'di mo na 'ko balikan. Na sa bawat araw na hinahayaan kita mag-isa, baka mawala ka na talaga sa 'kin."

"Pagod na rin ako. Napapagod din ako. 'Di ko alam ang lahat ng sagot. 'Di ko alam yung dapat gawin. 'Di ko alam kung pano ka hahabulin. 'Di ko alam kung paano ka tutulungan. Kung paano dapat ako sa 'yo. Ikaw lang ang minahal ko nang ganito. Alam kong nahihirapan ka at ayokong ibato sa 'yo yung nararamdaman ko. Pero wag mo naman akong saktan nang ganito."

"Bigyan mo naman ako ng ibang solusyon. Sabihin mo sa 'kin kung anong dapat kong gawin. Pwede naman kitang hayaan muna pero doon sa sigurado akong babalik ka. Hindi naman kita mamadaliin. Bakit paghihiwalay kagad ang solusyon mo? Alam kong nasasaktan ka lang kaya mo ginagawa 'to. Alam kong 'di mo intensyon na saktan ako. Alam kong mahal mo ko."

His embrace tightens as he strains to speak through his tears.

"Alam kong mahal mo ko, Milly. 'Di ba 'yon sapat para bumalik ka? O 'yon ba ang dahilan bakit mo 'ko tinitiis nang ganito? 'Wag naman ganito. Paano kita pakakawalan kung alam kong nasasaktan ka rin sa pinili mo? Kilala kita. 'Di ko man naiintindihan pero kilala kita. 'Di ba pwedeng piliin mo 'ko, piliin mo tayo? Kahit ngayon lang, hayaan mo naman akong maging makasarili."

Kai pulls away and cups her cheeks, searching her eyes, begging.

"Bakit? Bakit lahat sila binalikan mo? Bakit ako, hindi? Bakit lahat sila, hinayaan mong manatali sa tabi mo. Bakit 'pag ako, hindi pwede? Dahil kay Mama? Dahil ba doon? Iiwanan mo ba lahat dahil sa kanya? Kahit ako? Kung sasabihin mo sa 'kin na 'di mo 'ko mahal, mas maiintindihan ko. Pero bakit tayo nagkakaganito? Bakit kung kailan mahal mo na rin ako, saka hindi pwede?"

Milly tries to answer, but she remembers his mother again, and her mouth automatically clamps shuts, all the words dying in her throat.

Kai looks at her, the questions burning beneath his eyes, but when she fails to say nothing and only sobs would come out, he shrinks back. His hold on her loosening.

"Wala ka man lang bang isasagot?"

She sees the surrender in his eyes when he further distances himself from her as if her silence had cut him.

Deflating, he pulls them back up.

"At least tell me this," he says in resignation. "Isa ba ko sa mga nagpapahirap sa 'yo? Kahit ito na lang ang sagutin mo."

She vehemently shakes her head. "No...Kai... that's not it..."

"Then why? Why won't you let me stay?"

It's spoken in so much hurt that she has to lower her head in shame. "Coz I feel so guilty everytime I see you," she admits brokenly. "And I can't bear it. You will always settle for me. And I will always feel sorry for that. It hurts having you with me when I see you like this."

"Nasasaktan kita?" Hurt flashes in his eyes and then, defeated, he averts his gaze and looks down. Steps away even more. "Sige, naiintindihan ko na."

She feels him slipping even more now and she can't breathe.

She did this.

And gods. She can't breathe.

"Kung 'di na ako ang kailangan mo, kung isa ako sa nagpapahirap sa 'yo, huli na 'to. 'Di na kita guguluhin. Kung ayaw mo na talaga, sige. Kung ayaw mo 'kong mahalin, kung para sa 'yo, malaking pasakit sa 'yo na mahalin ako, makasama ako, sige. Pakakawalan na kita. Malaya ka na."

That's not what she meant to say at all, but Kai's already in the car before she can stop him and correct her mistake.

Milly crumbles on the ground then, finally letting out the grief she's been trying to hold.

"Ate..." Clea calls out crying, running over to her and hugging her after. "Anong nangyari?"

It's over... she can't force herself to admit.

It's really over...

She got what she wanted, but at what cost? Was hurting them both really what she wanted?

How could she even explain it when she can't understand herself anymore?

Milly doesn't really want to be free of him.

All she wants is for him to be free of her and all her baggages. All she wants is for him to be happy.

She loves him so much to let him go.

She loves him so much, but why is she letting him go?

Now that it's all over, Milly doesn't even know the answer anymore.