part 4

Milly can't breathe. Her chest feels tight, like there's a violent pressure pressing in on her lungs.

Tita Cecilia:
Ibalik mo na anak ko sakin. Umuwi na kayo.

The emotion rises in her throat just as her heart hammers in her chest in wild, heavy bursts. Immediately, she feels lightheaded, but she deletes the text before Kai can even notice something's wrong.

Thankfully, he's a few meters away, the waves splashing against his ankles as he talks to a man she doesn't know, although she can hazard a guess.

Tita Cecilia:
Natututong maging bastos ang anak ko dahil sayo. Hindi na marunong magpaalam. Kung ano anong tinuturo mo. Pati trabaho iniwan. Sisirain mo ba kinabukasan ng anak ko?

She swallows the lump in her throat. The urge to throw up is overpowering. She pushes it back down with long, measured breaths. Kai throws his head in her direction, eyes finding hers, as if making sure she's still there.

Despite herself, she answers with a smile. Kai furrows his brows but turns to the man again.

Another text comes in, but she doesn't bother to read it—can't bring herself to. The guilt is gnawing at her.

As a distraction, she hides her phone in her bag and lifts her gaze. The catamaran is looming over Kai and who she can only surmise as its captain, swaying in the waters with every ebb and flow of the waves.

She has no idea why the family yacht is here, when Kai called it over, and what he has set in store for them. Only that he made plans for the day for the two of them and she—she wants to be present.

To be there for it.

She's trying.

There's a crossroads in front of her, and she's hurting that it's even there, but even now, she's still trying. Trying to look for another direction, trying not to go and pick a side.

Kai ends the discussion with the captain with a handshake and beckons her over with an extended hand. He ambles forward to get her. Milly gets up from the sunlounger and meets him halfway.

"When did you request for this? I was with you the whole day," she asks.

Kai takes her hand in his, threading their fingers together. "Yesterday. While you were taking a shower."

"Why?"

"You said you want to get away," he answers, his thumb running along her skin. "We're getting away."

What does that mean?

She doesn't get to ask because he immediately gets to work after guiding her up the boat. Dropping lines holding them in place. Doing things necessary to undock. Things she can't understand.

"He's not coming?" she asks, eyeing the captain below as she follows him to the upper deck where the wheel, which he calls the helm, is situated.

"No, it's just us. Sit down," he says, standing behind the wheel.

Then it strikes her—what he means to do.

Milly watches, her emotions toppling over each other, as he maneuvers them out of the dock with expert precision.

She's forgotten this.

That the island maybe hers now.

But the sea is his.

* * *

The sea is glittering like diamonds, but she can't take her eyes away from him.

She's wanted to be in this moment since forever and yet she can't even embrace it the way she would have wanted to. She feels too empty to try and —the thought makes her eyes sting, even more than the salty wind can. She brushes the restlessness away.

Kai's perfect.

Eyes set in concentration, a chiseled jaw, toned biceps, the perfectly cut muscles on his torso. And the magnetic air surrounding him.

This is his world, and she's longed to see him like this since he told her about his dream, and he's perfect.

And so hers.

The morning sun is casting a glow on his face that makes the breath in her lungs hold, that makes her heart race and her thoughts spin. The wind is tousling his hair, usually gelled but now it isn't, leaving it unkempt. She itches to run her hands through it and kiss him hard. But she stays in her seat and watches.

Afraid to ruin the picture.

Afraid to wake up from the dream. In case she has to snap out of it and face the reality—and her nightmare—once again.

A light easy smile is fixed on his face as he grips the polished wheel with effortless familiarity and focus, and she can almost see it. The past he mentioned to her. A younger him. Out in the open sea, slicing through open waters like he belonged there.

Like it's the only home he knows.

Kai turns in her direction briefly, still wearing that smile. "You want to try?"

"I don't know how."

"I'll guide you."

With a powerful arm, he reaches for her and pulls her up, positioning her in front of him, trapping her between his arms. His hands bring hers onto the wheel, and she feels the press of his kiss on her head as he steers and commands the boat through her palms with confidence. The yacht glides through the waters in response.

She can feel his shirt fluttering against her skin.

"You have your piano. I have this. I just thought I'd let you try. The same way you let me try your music."

Her heart's pounding. Kai brings his lips to her ears.

"Relax, baby. You're too tense. I'm here. Let me help you."

Tears sting her eyes, and she does, relax into him, lean back into him.

Kai thumbs the back of her hands until she's completely letting go of her reservations.

She's trying.

She's trying to hold on.

Milly commits all of this into memory, not willing a single thought, a single emotion, a single moment with him come to waste.

Before she knows it, she's laughing and crying in the wind, the waters misting over her skin, as she melts and gives in.

With Kai's powerful, dependable arms around her, anchoring her in.

* * *

Everything is sparkling.

The endless blue sea, the warm glowing sun, and the soft quiet eyes now glancing down at her.

Kai brought them near an island, the roar of the engine now replaced by the sounds of the waves lapping against the hull.

His hands cup her waist as he searches her face.

"How did you know where to bring us?" she asks.

"This is where I took my sailing courses."

"Where?"

"Here. In Palawan. After I graduated."

"Oh."

Kai leans his forehead against hers. "Okay?"

Is she?

It's hard to tell when everything's fallen apart now and she doesn't even know where to begin picking up the pieces.

When she didn't answer, Kai steals a kiss from her lips.

"Tell me what's on your mind."

She doesn't know either.

So she snakes her arms around his nape, closes the distance, and meets his lips in a tentative kiss. Light. Uncertain. Hesitating.

Kai brushes her lips with soft kisses. Easing her in. Coaxing her to fall into him.

Again, the restlessness rears its ugly head, and she forces it away, begs it to fade away.

Willing herself to focus on this electric moment.

Willing herself to remember how to kiss him and feel only him.

Not this fear.

Not this guilt.

Not this doubt.

His hand soon finds its way down the dip of her back, and she wishes she can lock them in this moment forever.

She wishes she can stop time and keep him here.

But she can't.

It's her who breaks the kiss first, to breathe.

Kai's pressing more kisses to her forehead, comforting her, his free hand set on the back of her head.

She doesn't know when the tears start to spill.

Just that they did.

She hates this.

Hates doing this over and over.

Tired of breaking and shattering in front of him as if she still has pieces left to break.

He deserves better.

Again, the crossroads flash in her head. The choice is clear. But she's reluctant—afraid—to make the choice.

So she kisses him more, hoping that if she does, it will all go away.

* * *

The phone rings in the air but is left unattended. Kai puts it on silent on the third try.

"Why don't you answer? It could be important," she says, looking at him.

Kai pockets it. "It's not."

"It's your mom, isn't it? Answer it."

"Tsaka na."

"You're avoiding her," she points out the obvious. "Because of me."

"Hindi, Milly. Ayoko lang siyang kausap."

"Yeah," she says. "Because of me."

He gives her a look.

Is he getting tired of this, getting in an argument over the same thing constantly? If he does, he doesn't show it.

"Dahil sa kanya. Sa mga ginagawa niya. Hindi dahil sa 'yo."

Milly falls silent, but the unspoken words hang heavy over them. Leaning against the railing, she turns away and drifts her gaze to the vibrant cerulean sea, chest getting tight.

She hears him stepping closer, and he turns her over to face him. "Baby, hey... Don't do that. Don't shut me out."

"I'm not... That's not..." she tries to say, but words fail her. Because who is she kidding? She can deny it all she wants, that she's not keeping him out, but it is a fact that she's not letting him in either.

Because it's hard...

It's hard... and it terrifies her... and she doesn't really know how.

She doesn't even understand herself well.

How can she hope to have him understand her?

"They can't dictate the way I want to live my life. I'm making the decision because I'm sick of dealing with the same thing all the time. I'm tired of it. I left home for the same reason."

"But didn't you feel bad? Na you did? After knowing what she's going through?"

"Oo. Pero anong magagawa ko? Sinasaktan ka niya. Sinasaktan niya ako kada binabastos ka niya."

"So it's because of me nga."

"Milly..." He sighs and cups her cheeks, agitation shadowing his features. "'Wag mong akuin yung mga bagay na 'di mo naman ginawa. It's between me and Mama. Labas ka sa desisyon ko. Alright?"

She only nods — unwilling to fight with him on this.

"It's not her place to interfere in our relationship."

"She's just looking out for you. She's right to get upset. She asked me if I'll marry you. I couldn't answer her. Any mother would be angry."

"It's my life. And my choice. Wala siyang karapatan manghimasok doon. Kung ako, walang problema sa napag-usapan na natin, labas na dapat sila doon."

Milly pauses, looks away.

Her chest hurts.

The elephant in the room is here, and she's staring it in the face.

"But Kai." She takes a breath, fighting the tightness in her throat, fighting to keep her voice steady. "Marriage is your dream. Having children is your dream."

"Nagbabago naman ang mga plano at mga pangarap ng mga tao."

"You're giving it up because of me."

"I'm not giving up anything. I'm choosing you," he says, tilting her chin to catch her eyes. "And us. Wala naman pinagkaiba sa 'kin kung kasal tayo o hindi. Basta magkasama tayo."

"What if you regret this in the long run? Choosing me?" she asks, her tone mingling with a raw emotion she can't name.

His expression remains firm, resolute. "Hindi mangyayari 'yon. Kilala ko ang sarili ko. 'Pag may naging desisyon ako, 'yon na 'yon. 'Pag pinili kita, ikaw na talaga."

She can only wish she's the same—but she's not as brave as him, as it turns out.

She's a coward.

She has the heart to admit that to herself now.

* * *

The hollowness inside her is screaming, relentless.

And the guilt's gnawing at her, taking root.

A choice has to be made.

She knows it.

She sees it.

Maybe she's already even made it, even before she asked him to bring her here.

But she just can't bring herself to do it.

Not yet.

Give her more time. Please.

Because she can't. She can't just yet.

* * *

Kai docks the boat with radiating ease. They disembark in silence, with Milly simmering in her own inner turmoil. After securing the lines, he thanks the captain while her gaze drifts away. The sun's setting in the distance.

And the fright of what's coming, what needs to be done, grips her again.

Every day that passes while they're here, she feels that time was closing in on her and she's running out of it.

She's not selfish enough to stay here forever.

One way or another, they'll have to return.

She'll have to return him.

And the thought of it scares her so much.

Kai pulls at her hand, tugging her out of her thoughts. "What's on your mind?"

She dismisses the question with a shake of her head.

He frowns, the downturn of his brows marring his face.

He doesn't press, which she's thankful for. Because he's never really forced her into anything she's not ready for, even now when everything's so messy.

Kai leads her to the shore near the beach club where a blanket surrounded by pillows and fairy lights lies in wait. Dinner's already been served.

Milly blinks up at him, perplexed.

He smiles and brings her hand to his lips.

"Dinner for two?"

Gods.

He's so—so impossible.

She really doesn't deserve him.

After all that she dumped on him, how can he still... still do this much... for her?

She grows restless even more.

"Maliban sa klase mo, may iba ka pa bang plano pagbalik natin?" Kai asks later on after dinner.

She looks at him under the candlelight. The shadows are dancing on his handsome, rugged face, and she almost chokes at how much she wants him.

Her gaze falls to the white table in between them. She shakes her head.

"Wala kang trabaho?"

"Wala na..."

Because aside from the commitment she's already finished, the rest of the brands were happy to give her a break after hearing about her lolo. She has no family, no work, no energy to be with her friends. Apart from her piano, what else is left to do?

She's got nothing.

"Then can we go back to Baguio?"

She stares at him in surprise.

Kai gives out a hopeful, almost wistful smile.

"Let's go back. May music academy doon, 'di ba? Pwede ka bang lumipat na lang doon? Or is that too selfish to ask?"

Her forehead creases, unease creeping in as the gravity of his words drops on her.

"Let's move to Baguio, Milly, once we can," he says, both as a statement and a request. "I want to live there for good. With you, if you'd want to."

"Paano trabaho mo?"

"I can find something there."

"They won't pay you as good as they do here."

"They don't have to. WYLD will be branching out. I can set up more businesses there. That should work. I can drive you to and fro if you have work to do here. Basta doon tayo uuwi. Basta doon na tayo kung sa'n 'di nila tayo magugulo."

Milly gets up to her feet in distress, and she shakes.

"Kai, do you know what you're saying? You're leaving it all behind? You love your job."

Kai stands to his full height, crossing the distance, and takes her hands. "And I love being there with you. Sinabi ko naman sa 'yo noon. It's a good place to live in. Payapa ako doon. And you'll be at peace there too. We can build our lives there, if you'd be willing to."

"Paano ang pamilya mo? Ang mama mo? Ang lola mo? Mga maiiwan mo sa Manila? Iiwan mo silang lahat?"

"Yes, if that's what it will take to take ownership of my life." His eyes bore into hers, gauging her thoughts. "Is it too soon to ask this? I just thought we'd appreciate the quiet. While we rebuild and forget it all."

"Iiwan mo talaga silang lahat? For what? For me? For an uncertain future with me?" she says, her voice rising. "When we don't even know if it will last? If I'm worth it? If I'm good enough for you? I can't give you that life, Kai... The life that you want, it's not... I can't... even if I want to... I..."

Her heart accelerates and her palms turn cold, clammy.

"You need to be smarter than betting your life on someone like me."

She can't breathe.

"Milly..." Kai says promptly, and she hears the edge and worry in his voice as he holds her face in his palms, attempting to calm her down. "You can say no. 'Di kita pipilitin. It's just something I thought of. Kung ayaw mo, then we're not leaving."

The lump lodges back in her throat.

Because the choice is now clear.

She only needs to make it.

"Kai," she calls out, about to break down. "Do you love me?"

Surprise flickers on his face. The question stuns him into silence. She can almost see the gears of his mind whirring as he thinks.

She repeats the question, desperately reading his face. Afraid of the answer. Afraid that she's known it all along.

"Are you in love with me?"

Kai stares at her.

And then says...

"Oo," he takes a moment to answer, but his hold on her face is unwavering when he does. "Matagal nang oo, Milly. 'Di ko kayang magsinungaling sa 'yo. Kaya oo. Matagal na. Kahit sinabi mong bawal."

Her breath quivers. "'Di kita kayang suklian."

"Hindi naman ako humihingi ng kapalit."

She tries to gather her thoughts and fails. The words keep eluding her.

Tears well up in her eyes.

Quietly. Painfully. They fall down her cheeks, and she sees how Kai's steel resolve sways and wavers as he chases them away with his fingers.

"Milly," he says. "'Di ko sinabi 'yon para itulak ka palayo. Ayoko lang magsinungaling sa 'yo."

She knows.

She knows that.

Of course she knows.

Because if there's anyone here who's destroying this relationship right now, it's her—and not him.

Never him.

Kai wipes her tears and when he mutters an apology for breaking her one and only rule, she collapses.

And surrenders.

She pulls him down and kisses him hard.

It's wrong and she shouldn't, but—

"Take me," she half begs half whispers above his lips, hooking her arms around him, breaking. "Take me..."

"What? No... Not like this..."

"Please," she pleads. "Please."

He hesitates. "Is that what you want?"

"It's what I need," she answers, desperate. "Love me tonight."

For the last time.

It won't make this any easier.

But maybe his mother's right.

She is selfish after all.

part 5

It's hard to ignore it when it's been given a name. And it's hard to pretend it doesn't exist between them when it's already been laid bare, left out there in the open.

If it doesn't have a face, then it can't hurt her. If it doesn't have a name, then it's not real.

That's what she thought.

But it hurts anyway.

It hurts a lot.

"Why are you crying?" Kai rasps against her lips.

From the time between leaving the shore and making their way back to their room, the dread has only managed to cut her raw even more.

"I'm scared," she admits in all honesty.

"Of what I said?"

"Of hurting you."

The strength she's always known him for finally snaps and breaks, and finally she sees the uncertainty clouding his eyes. He looks vulnerable like this. And he looks downright troubled.

"I'm scared too," he mumbles.

"Of?"

"Of losing you," he surrenders, voice faint and thick with emotions, before he seals his confession with another kiss. "Do you really want this?"

She tosses all thoughts aside and presses closer. "I only want you."

Kai wipes the tears that fall, covers her mouth with his own, and carries her back down on the bed. His hands trail everywhere with a gentleness that makes her ache. On her thighs, her stomach, her sides, her chest.

Giving himself to every inch of her like a man in worship, and she takes it all for the last time.

His mouth soon descends on the base of her throat, moving sideways until he finds a spot where she's most sensitive. His lips trailing above her like a caress. Moving so slow, so languidly. Like he's uttering a prayer to her body.

Her breathing's speeding up in anticipation. Electricity sparks through her veins and her hips buckled, seeking his. Asking him to pick up the pace, seeking that connection between them.

"Don't rush. You have me all night," he whispers which sends goosebumps all over her skin. "You have me always."

He touches her like she's the most prized, the most fragile treasure to exist. Gentle, slow, careful.

And he's beautiful.

Gods. He's beautiful. Painfully.

And she wants him. All of him.

But she can't. Doesn't have the right to.

She plants kisses on the low curve of his neck, saying the words she can't say. How much he means to her. How much she cares that it hurts.

How is it possible that he's within her reach yet so far away?

Her chest twists with a pang of desperation.

This lovemaking is different from all the rest and — all her thoughts come to a violent halt.

That's right.

This isn't sex.

It hasn't been for a very long time now.

This is making love.

She's making love to him.

Because no matter how much she denies it, no matter how much she hides behind the words in plain sight... it's just so obvious when they're skin to skin like this.

Because she loves him just as much as he loves her.

Her heart almost freezes at the rush of the admission, and his tongue's still on her skin, his hands engraving on her all the affection he has to offer. And she wants to keep this, keep everything.

But she can't.

She'll give them this. Until this. Just up to this, she tells herself.

Her heart twists.

Maybe if she stays with him right here, she will never have to leave and let him go.

But she can't.

It's in hard breaths that they both finish, and when she opens her eyes, Kai's watching her with an expression she's never seen on him before.

He wipes the sweat on her forehead before he kisses it. Then he's rolling out of her and onto his side, to take her into his arms.

"I love you," he mumbles into her ear. Over and over.

And Milly closes her eyes to fight off the tears.

She can't let him go, she knows it in her heart.

She tried fighting but what good will it do?

It's time.

She can't be the one who breaks his dreams and his future.

She can't be the one who uproots him from his life and takes him away from his family.

Not when she's like this.

Not when she's only going to let him down and drag him with her.

Not when she's broken and unsure of the future ahead of them.

Not when she can't give him what he deserves.

She loves him enough, so she's letting him go.

She loves him so much, so she's letting him go.

For the last time, she kisses him and lets him go.