part 3

How many times has it been since they started?

Milly can't tell anymore. All she knows is she's been with him more times than she's been with anyone else, and his effect is still the same.

She wants him now, even when he's already on top of her, inside her, the closest he can ever be.

His forehead creases when he leans forward to access her deeper, his arms propped beside her face carrying his weight, and she bites her lips at the building tension in her stomach.

If not for the blinding haze of the pleasure, she would've continued watching his face.

Kai's hot, that's a fact.

But he's even hotter like this when he's committed to taking care of her body, and she knows she's the one who's making him feel equally good.

Lately, she's been wanting that. Make him feel good. Make him happy. Please him. Pacify him.

Give in to him.

In a way that she's never felt or done for anyone before. And it makes her ache every time she gets reminded of that look of betrayal and dejection that she saw on his face that night when she decided to end their arrangement.

The memory comes back unbidden, and she shakes it away by wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her. As if it can undo her mistake.

"Sorry," she whispers, burying her nose into his neck.

His movements halt, and the friction between their bodies quickly follows. Kai lifts himself up to glance at her face, looking worried and confused.

"I'm sorry," she repeats.

"For what?"

Milly cups his cheek and runs her thumb over his lips. "For what I did. That night. I'm still regretting it."

His brows furrow in worry, and his eyes swim, searching hers. "Are you okay?"

The concern underlining his voice makes her chest squeeze even more because he's always like this. Always. The type to ask how she feels everytime she pulls anything out of the ordinary-and gods, how much she likes him for that.

"Yes... No..." she answers none too quickly. "No, I was just thinking... how difficult it is to be vulnerable with someone. But how it was more difficult being away from you. I was afraid I wouldn't be like this with you again."

His brows knit forward even more. Kai straightens up and tries to pull out of her, but she stills him with her arms. "Don't stop."

"Let's talk about this properly."

"No, continue. Keep going."

Kai looks hesitant. "You're sure?"

"Yes. Continue. I don't wanna stop."

Kai hovers over her again, reaches for her hand, and presses his nose to the underside of her wrist. "You're not the only one who was deathly afraid of losing this. My home had traces of you when you left. My sheets smelled like you. Your vanilla and strawberries. I was afraid they would fade eventually. I remembered you everywhere I turned."

She gently runs her fingers across the shape of his face before she pulls him back down for a kiss, and not long after, their rhythm begins again, and she's losing, losing herself in him, losing herself in the way he makes her feel. And she knows he's the same.

Only the heavy bursts of his breathing against her neck keeps her grounded, and she knows it's not the right time but she needs to ask now before her cowardice gets the best of her. Before all the ghosts in her past catches up to her.

"Kai, do you wanna be mine?"

He doesn't answer, too focused on thrusting in and out of her that she's not sure if he heard her or her question registered as a breathy moan instead.

"Babe, I'm asking if you wanna be mine," she breathes out, lightly squeezing his shoulder blades. "Do you really want this? Do you still want me to be yours?"

He nips at her neck, humming. "Aren't you yet?"

"I mean officially. Exclusively."

The weight of her words sink in, and Kai stops abruptly. He frowns at her. "What?"

She presses her thighs against his body to prompt him. "Don't stop. Keep moving."

"Milly, why do you keep talking to me while we're in the middle of this?"

She wipes the sweat dotting his brow. "'Cause I don't know how else to broach this. Keep going."

"Do you mean that or are you just-"

"Saying it because of sex? No, I mean it. But keep going."

His frown deepens. "I can't focus. Choose only one. Do you want to talk or continue this? Which is it?"

"Try harder, babe. I want both. Or..." Milly pushes him off of her with her palms and presses him down on the bed as she straddles him. "I'll take over na lang."

Kai's still frowning at her even as she guides him back inside her.

"You chose the worst moment to ask that."

"I know, but I know myself. This is the only time I can ask this. Any other time and I'll probably lose the momentum. So, do you want to? Or not?"

His hands automatically find her waist when she begins moving again. Slowly, enough to rekindle the friction that he started earlier.

"You know that's what I've been asking for all this time. But I don't want you to do anything you don't want."

"I want to. I'm ready."

"What changed your mind?"

She leans forward, one hand on the backrest of the bed, the other on his chest. "You. This. Us. What I feel for you."

"And that's?"

Affection. Lust. Insanity. Madness.

She doesn't know.

It's everything all at once.

She's not ready to put a name to it yet.

"I don't know. I'm sorry. All I know is I don't want to stop but I also want to give you what you want. All I ask is you also give me what I need, babe."

Kai doesn't answer, only stares at her straight in the eyes like he's trying to read her mind.

"I can't give you a permanent relationship," she adds. "I can't... you know... You know what I'm getting at, right? I can't do anything permanent because I..."

He nods. "That's not what I want either. I'm not asking for a relationship. I know it's too much for you. Just exclusivity. Just enough to secure what we have right now."

"I know. I know ayaw mo lang makihati. But I'm giving you more than that. I know you deserve-" her words halt when a moan builds and tears out of her throat.

Kai squeezes her waists and stops her movement. "Continue what you're saying."

"Wait, shit. I can't think straight."

"You're the one who said you want to do this at the same time. Focus."

"Yeah, but you're hitting me in the... fuck."

Kai squeezes her waist again. "Milly. Tuloy mo yung sinasabi mo."

She stills, opening her eyes, and sees the traces of restraint on his face. Sweat layers the surface of his forehead, and his brows are drawn together in a concentrated frown. He wants this as much as she does, but she can also see how impatiently he's waiting for her to clarify her intention.

Without meaning to, her eyes fall on the traces of her own mark on the side of his neck where she sucked and bit his skin minutes ago.

Milly chuckles. "I was saying. That I want to give you a proper relationship until you no longer want this. It may not be a permanent relationship that can continue to marriage one day but it will be an official one while we're still together. You deserve that. I'll be yours. Just be mine."

"Be clearer so I don't misunderstand. What exactly does that mean?"

"I'm saying that it's not just an exclusivity I'm giving you, babe. It's a relationship. I can't be with anyone else anymore and you can't either. Your chances to be with other women, especially with your best friend, will be gone. And I'm... I have my guy friends too. I have Ollie and Spiro, but I'll set boundaries with them too. I'm saying... that you're my priority now."

There's a long pause after that as he absorbs what she said. His eyes never left hers, like he's waiting for her to take back what she said.

But she won't do that. Not when it's taken all of her to even cross this bridge.

She's starting to get nervous under his scrutiny when Kai turns them over and she's back on the bed, right under him. There's a fire now blazing in his eyes that she can't put a finger to.

"You're going to do that for me."

"Yes."

"'Di ka napipilitan?"

"No."

"This is a big sacrifice you're making."

"Ikaw din naman. And I think this makes the most sense for us din. I don't want you to question your worth because of me and I... I don't like feeling jealous either."

"You're still jealous of Xia?"

"Not anymore... I don't know. For the first time in my life, I felt jealous of a girl and I don't like it. Especially since she seems like a nice girl naman."

"There's nothing to be jealous of. Ikaw lang."

"I know. Ikaw lang din naman. So? What do you say?"

Kai enters her again, and she shuts her eyes instinctively.

"Sabihin mo sa 'kin gusto mo," he says as he reaches down and finds her nub. "Teach me how to keep your attention. Teach me how to please you so you won't have to feel like you're missing out."

"That won't be necessary. I told you naman. Since you, I stopped wanting others. You're... you're more than enough for me, and even now, I still want you as much as I did the first time."

Kai captures her mouth in a languid kiss, both his rhythm and the movement of his fingers agonizingly slow that it's driving her crazy.

"What about your rules?"

"What about them?"

"May magbabago ba?"

"Hmm. Yes. Scratch them all. They're not necessary for us anymore. I just wanna let you know na if you'll agree, even if we're in a relationship, you don't need to keep going out of your way for me. I still want you to live your life for yourself."

"I want the same for you. What else? Anything physical?"

"Wala naman. You're perfect the way you are. Basta... just try avoiding falling in love with me so we... don't get hurt in the future."

"You've said that before. What else?"

He presses harder and she unintentionally lets out a breath.

Kai asks again. "What else?"

Her mind has gone blank that she couldn't formulate her answer properly.

Kai slows down. "Milly. I asked you a question."

When she opens her eyes, it's his half smirk that greets her.

Damn. He's torturing her. She shouldn't have asked to continue if she knew he's going to turn this on her.

She breathes in to collect her thoughts. "When you want out, just let me know. I won't stop you from falling for others. But you need to let me know. I'll do the same."

He presses a kiss to her neck. "Done. What else?"

"About the rest of the rules, screw them. This is our new one. But please don't ask me to leave right away when I'm with my family or friends. I really don't want to be rude."

"Done."

"Do you have any demand?"

"Just one."

"Tell me."

He moves his mouth to her ear, sending goosebumps all over her flesh.

"Don't fall in love with someone else while you're with me. I won't accept that as a reason to stop. Don't break it off with me just because you want someone else. I won't accept that either."

Milly fights another moan rising in her throat.

"Then what's an acceptable reason for you?"

"When you're no longer satisfied with me. But never if you found someone else."

"Okay. I don't easily warm up to others naman. That's safe."

He stops his torture and presses his forehead against hers, lips hovering just a breath above her own.

"What if I fall in love with you, Milly?"

His question strikes a chord in her. She tries to calm down her own breathing and gently caresses his face.

"You can't."

"What if you fall in love with me?"

She bites her lips. That is the question.

"I can't either. I've given all my love away already, babe. Wala na 'kong kayang ibigay pa. There's nothing left in me. I only have the broken pieces of my heart. A shell. This is the most I can give. Ito na lang natitira. Ito na lang ang kaya ko but I'm giving them all to you. This is the only thing I know that can satisfy you too. I'll take care of you and give you all my affection. I can give you the rest of me. You deserve that. But a promise of forever? I can't because I can only give a shell of who I am and you deserve to have a family of your own one day. That's your dream, isn't it? I... I can't give that."

"What you have is what I want. That's enough. But are you ready? My family will be a burden to you."

"You're not the only one with a complicated family, babe. I can handle that. So we agree na ba? No deeper emotions attached? No expectations of forever? Just... just us right now?"

"Just us." He hums his assent. "We don't need to overthink this. Let's take it one day at a time."

"Okay." Milly holds both sides of his face and brushes her lips with his.

"You will need to stop doing that.

"Sealing our relationship with a kiss?"

"No, not that. Kissing me like that. You kiss me like you're in love with me. You'll confuse me."

"And you fuck me like you're in love with me. Like you're going to combust if you don't. I'm not complaining."

"It does feel like that. Most nights."

"I like it though. I like it when you want me like that. And I can't help myself when it comes to you either. I may not be able to give you all of me, but I have no plans withholding my affections from you either. If any of my actions make you uncomfortable, let me know, okay? I'll stop."

"No, I don't want you to change anything. 'Di baleng madagdagan. 'Wag lang mabawasan."

Kai makes deeper and faster thrusts that a fresh wave of pleasure runs through her body and builds in her stomach.

"Gods, that's... fuck."

"When do we stop this?"

"Huh?"

"This. The relationship."

"We'll know when we get there," she says, and the strain and effort to keep her mind in the conversation eludes her as another moan tears out of her mouth.

Kai nuzzles her cheek, smiling.

"Alright. This is good enough for me. Napapagod na rin naman akong magpanggap na wala ka lang sa 'kin."

He doesn't let her respond anymore. With a faster rhythm, he takes over her mouth again and before she knows it, she's getting high and breaking into pieces under him. It doesn't take long before he too finishes and relaxes on top of her, completely spent.

When he wipes her forehead with a palm and plants a soft kiss there, she lets out a soft sigh, the thorn of anxiety lodged in her heart finally falling off. She's done it, facing the great unknown. Facing her fears. Like what her lolo Enrico had told her to do.

She may or may not regret this, but who cares about that?

When she's in his arms like this, she feels like she can face everything. Even the ghosts of her past.

part 4

The rain continues to fall outside. Milly's watching the fog set in through the glass windows, the classical music she put on playing in the background, while he busies himself in the kitchen. It's cold. She's wearing only his shirt and the patchwork quilt draped over her shoulders to keep her body warm.

It will take a few more minutes before the coffee he's brewing for her is done.

It's only been an hour since he agreed to take their relationship to the next level, and the erratic pounding of his heart still hasn't eased away.

The fact that she herself offered and brought it up despite her own reservations won't leave his mind. How long has it been since his last relationship?

Alliana was the first and the last, and until today, he thought there won't be anyone after her. It's been years after all and no one has ever caught his interest in the time between then and now.

That Milly is his now is still a puzzle that he can't wrap his mind around. It's too impossible to even think about.

Milly turns away from the windows and walks over to the wooden shelves to pick up one of the framed photographs. He watches intently as a soft smile curves her lips and brightens her face. Her eyes are tired, no doubt still spent and exhausted from what they did. But there's a sense of contentment following her around that puts even his apprehension to rest.

He's not sure how his family is going to take it but that's a problem for another day.

A peal of thunder cracks, and Milly shifts, returning the photo to the shelf and padding back to her previous spot behind the glass windows. The flurry of rain outside worsens, hitting the roof in a stronger and more forceful patters.

Kai pours the freshly-brewed coffee into the mug and waits for it to cool down before he makes his way to her. He places it between her hands as he wraps his arms around her waist and presses his lips to her temple.

"Do you miss them?"

"Who?"

"Your family. You've been watching families all day."

Milly rests her arms above his, the mug carefully tucked between her fingers. "How do you know that?"

"Because I've been watching you."

Under his hold, he can feel how a content sigh goes out of her lips, and she leans her weight against his chest. He tightens his embrace.

"You can't miss what you never had. I'm just glad some have it better than others."

Kai doesn't answer, doesn't know how to. Families have always been a sensitive topic between the two of them, and he doesn't know how to comfort her when he doesn't have a functional one either. Everything he'll try to say will only come out as hypocrisy or a half-assed word of comfort, and Milly's too smart not to notice that.

"This is my home, Kai. My childhood home. My true home. I still can't believe you're able to see it now with me. You don't know how strangely happy I feel right now."

Dimly, he flashes back to what Seth has told him before. How overly protective and territorial Milly was over her home and her family and how she'd always cautioned others never to ask or break those boundaries.

But now, he's done both.

And hearing her reassurance that she's okay with that reassures him as well.

Kai plants another kiss to her temple. Before he can even catch himself, he's already saying, "Let's live here. It's quiet and peaceful here. It's a good place to live in one day."

There's a pause, and he doesn't really expect her to respond, but Milly answers, "It is. It is a good place."

He could hear the smile and the warmth lacing her tone, and he's not sure if she's even aware of what he unintentionally blurted out just now and how she responded to that.

Milly continues, "You do know this is the first time I brought a man to meet my family, right?"

Of course he knows. In her own terms before, they're off-limits.

"Yes. Does it make you feel uncomfortable?"

"No, surprisingly. It feels safe. Like it's the right thing to do. Maybe because it's you."

This woman.

Doesn't even know how she makes him feel and how her subtle confessions drive him to madness everytime.

"When we ended, I kept thinking, you know. Na sayang. I regret not being able to show you where Maestra and I lived. As much as I hated remembering you, I also didn't want to forget you and I couldn't stop thinking of you. Gods, Kai. It was a nightmare. Not being able to understand my own feelings is a nightmare 'cause I've always had control of myself."

"You and me," he says, to her ear. "You and me both. I told you I'm good at not forgetting. But it's done, Milly. It's in the past. We both needed that break. I didn't like hurting you but we both needed that space."

"True."

Milly reaches sideways and places the mug of coffee on the nearby side table. And then she's turning around to face him.

She holds his cheeks between her hands, observing every feature she can find.

This is a habit, he notices. Milly loves memorizing his face, loves running her fingers and her palms across his cheeks and his neck, loves kissing him so gently and so deeply like she's afraid to lose him, like he's everything she ever wanted.

And it. Drives. Him. Crazy. Every. Single. Time.

Because he is. Afraid to lose her.

And she is. The only thing he ever wanted now.

The blanket falls off her shoulders, and Kai breaks the kiss to pick it up, but Milly holds him still.

"Malamig," he tells her.

"It's fine. You keep me warm naman," she's saying and then her lips are on his again. "I'm sorry, babe. Is this too much? I just can't enough of you," she says between their breaths heartbeats later.

"Why are you apologizing? It's not an inconvenience."

Milly responds with a disarming smile, and his breathing stops. Binds him like a spell.

As she looks at up at him with those magnetic eyes, he's suddenly whisked back to the very first time she knocked the breath out of his lungs.

It was in La Union. That one time when they got to talk to each other intimately, like they're friends, and they watched the sunset together.

The sun was setting, the breeze blowing her hair backward like a curtain behind her head.

The colors of the sunset were kissing her face, spraying over her soft features with tones of peach, purple, and orange. Mixing with her multicolored hair, she looked like a painting of the ocean that came alive. A contrast to his plain monotones. His mother will recoil at the sight, but he didn't. He's learned his lesson.

He remembers taking a breath and committing the arresting image to memory. The serenity in her eyes, the peace etched in her soft smile. One of the rare moments that she's allowed herself to let her guard down. With him, no less. A rare moment where she's not sparking up stronger emotions from him and he's fine loosening up.

Because it was not against the rules and he wasn't betraying anyone.

It was the first real time he started thinking, that maybe, just maybe, they had a chance to get along just fine. If only he knew where that road would lead him.

"It's peaceful like this," she told him then. "It's nice to be with you like this. Fun. Talking, bonding, like true friends."

"You're an eccentric one," he remembered answering her as he turned to the descending sun, his shoulders relaxing, in a pathetic attempt not to stare. "But a good one."

It was the first time too that he started entertaining the idea that she's not just a friend to him. But she's not exactly anything else either. Kai had asked himself then, what was he getting himself into, knowing that this woman had the potential to break every level of control that his parents had ingrained in him.

And now, as he looked at her now, draped only in his shirt, his love marks still fresh like a branded tattoo on her skin, he realized not for the first time that he should've known better than to think he stood a chance against her.

He never did.

"What's on your mind?" she asks, placing a warm hand on his cheek. His chest reacts instinctively. "You're staring."

He pulls her close. "It is nice to be with you like this," he answers, referring to what she said back then in La Union.

Milly is a force of complexities.

She's heat and chaos and restlessness and electricity all at the same time, and he doesn't know how to deal with her most of the time.

But there are unsolicited moments like this when she'll mellow down and the exhilaration that comes with her mischievous nature wears off, and he gets to see her for who she really is and the vulnerable character she's hiding shines through.

She can be fire. And water.

Warm. Dangerous.

Tidal. Lulling.

Her conundrum doesn't end.

It gives him more trouble than he can prepare himself for. Kai thought he knew his boundaries well. He's the type to revel in control and discipline. She's made her rules loud and clear and he's not one to break any.

In La Union, when the urge to kiss her came for the first time, he stayed where he stood because he knew nothing good would come from excess baggages. And he's not interested in her games, in fleeting things.

Feelings wear one down. It happened to him before and he's not eager to subject himself to the same trouble.

In a way, he understood why she chose to play like this. The physicality of the attraction. The clear lines and boundaries. The awareness that it's only heat and passion gives a sense of reassurance that they're only in for what they signed up and nothing more.

And he's not interested for more.

He thought then, when he succumbed to her for the first time, how was it possible to be snared by her like that. Why he let himself be taken by her when he knew better.

But now, as he stood skin to skin with her like this, Kai knows that it's inevitable. He's dived into her way too deep that he might as well break all the rules and inhibitions he knows for her.

Because fuck.

Milly may not be aware of her own feelings, but he is.

He is.

part 5

He can't focus on the movie. Milly's lying on his chest, and he knows she didn't mean to, but the steady rise and fall of her chest tells him that she's fallen asleep.

Like everything else with her, this is also the first time she's let her guard down like this with him.

Their new relationship is still new to him, so he doesn't know how to react. Milly hates sleeping in, and he's not sure if he's even allowed to do this or if he's already taking more than he's allowed to.

But Kai doesn't listen to the voice nagging at him and instead positions them in a way so that they're side by side, Milly sleeping on his arm, and his other arm wrapped around her.

He watches her face and strokes her cheek, gently, so as not to wake her up. He tries, tries really hard, to reconcile how this woman in his arms right now is the same woman who made his temper flare in the past like it's nobody's business.

When did they cross the boundaries between dislike, heat, and affection?

Kai doesn't turn off the TV. He lets it play until he falls asleep watching her like that.

He doesn't know how long they stayed like that, but it's already dark outside when he stirs awake. Milly's already snug close against him, her hand clutching the fabric of his shirt, her knee sandwiched between his.

It feels a thousand times more intimate to be like this with her than when he's pinning her down and taking her senselessly.

Kai shrugs the thought off, doesn't let it fester.

Last thing he wants is to scare her off.

Carefully, he slides to his feet, scoops her into his arms, and gently tucks her into bed. Milly stirs but falls back to sleep again.

The urge to lie down beside her and gather her in his arms again beats strong in his chest. But he stamps it down this time.

"Good night," he whispers, pulling the covers to her chest, his fingers lingering a tad second too long like he's not willing to let her go just yet.

Her warmth and her scent are still stuck with him when he returns to his own bed.

💋💋💋

AUTHOR'S NOTE

hi! i didn't lock this because i missed the designated update schedule that i announced. i watered down the steam para sa mga minors na maliligaw.

thank you po sa mga nagbasa, nagbabasa, at magbabasa ng mga epistolaries ko. thank you din po sa mga nagpo-promote ng stories ko. di naman required pero super kilig po talaga kapag nababasa ko thoughts n'yo.

noon, long-forgotten dream ko lang makakita ng promotions ng stories ko. even yung makakita ng mga fan art and may mga gumamit ng charas ng stories ko sa bios and usernames nila. but now, i'm getting to experience that. so thank you po. medyo uncomfy pa rin ako sa attention, and medyo nakaka-pressure pala pero thankful pa rin po ako sa inyo <3 <3 <3

if you wanna bond with me, i hold livestreams here from time to time. this is my telegram channel.

thank you.