"I think we should go to the party tonight," Astral whispered.

I sighed and wrote down some notes instead of answering that.

"Mars, I think we should go to the party," he repeated, murmuring this time instead of whispering.

"I heard you. You know I'm not going to that party."

All of the college parties were horrific. We had tried going in the past. Astral would get drunk and chat with some of the other students and I'd stand around until I got bored and left. Nobody here would talk to me, except for the faculty. So, while Astral was having a good time with our peers, I'd hang around the adults.

"You go," I said and turned the page in the book I was reading.

"But it's no fun without you and it's the last party of the year. And the last party for us ever." He wasn't even trying to be quiet anymore, completely disregarding library rules and I sighed deeply.

"Maybe. If I finish this section, I'll maybe show up. For one drink. And don't expect me to dress up or anything."

He didn't say anything but just looked very satisfied with himself.

I finished the section and sighed. I had promised I'd show up. Astral had left some hours ago, patting my head. He had finished his section hours before. He was much faster at this than me, but I also had to proofread his sections. So, while he was faster, I was better. It worked out well for us, because he'd end up writing more than me, but we both worked equally as hard on this and ended up doing just as much as the other.

I hadn't left the room since we got back from dinner. And I didn't really feel like it, but Astral had looked very handsome when he left. And once upon a time he had bought a dark blue velvet jacket that really contrasted my skin and hair quite well. He said I looked nice in it as well.

I found it in the big oak wardrobe and a clean white shirt. I also put on the trousers for our dress uniforms with the accompanying white knee socks. Looking at the mirror, I didn't think I looked too bad. My hair curled at my ears and the discolouration on my skin, especially on my arms wasn't visible. I had never liked the fact that I didn't scar like everyone else. Instead of leaving a proper scar, my skin turned darker instead. As if it returned to a normal skin tone. I had my own theory, that if my paper white skin tone ever disappeared and was fully replaced by the one underneath, then maybe that'd be the day I died.

A foolish notion, probably.

I looked good though. And I liked that. If I liked it, maybe Astral would too and maybe we'd abandon the party to have our own in our room.

"One drink," I said aloud to my reflection. I could do one drink. Maybe our elemental studies professor would be there and then I could ask her about something in regard to the section I had just written on hallucinogenic mushrooms and how they could trigger visions in those with the Sight. That did get me out of the door and down the corridor to the communal hall. The music and the sound of laughter halted me a little, but I continued. At least I'd say hi to Astral and leave immediately after. I didn't have to hang around here.

I stopped dead in my tracks. Astral stood with a group of our classmates when one of them grabbed the front of his shirt, pulled him to him and kissed him. He was handsome too, Nyx. Nyx had been a crush of Astral's when we were younger. I knew that. And Nyx was tall and had broad shoulders and didn't have weird skin or hair or eyes and he wasn't weird like me.

Astral pulled away and swung his head towards me. The boys around him all laughed, and I felt humiliated. I clenched my jaw, pivoted around, and marched away from the communal hall. I was so done.

It wasn't like we had ever spoken about this. I knew Astral had fooled around with other boys here, but he had never done it in front of me and it had been years since then. It was before we really did anything. Before he slept in my bed every night. I thought we had been on the same level. That we were in some sort of agreement, but now... I just felt stupid.

I heard him call out for me, but I didn't wait. I didn't want to hear another dumb excuse from him. I was so stupid. So so so stupid.

I angrily wiped the tears away from my eyes and quickly turned into the gardens, hopefully losing Astral. I didn't wanna hear him talk. I just wanted to be alone.

I stalked in between the rose bushes and dumped down on our bench. The one where Astral had kissed me for the first time. If I had powers, I'd make it explode. Stupid bench. Stupid Astral. Stupid me. Why had I fooled myself into believing I meant anything at all to him. All the times I had held him as he was recovering from the visions. While he had the visions. Didn't that mean anything? Or the times when the other students made fun of his hair?

I sniffled and wiped my eyes again. This was all bullshit. I was supposed to go on a journey with him too and our whole thesis was a collaboration. We even shared a damn room, and I hadn't ever thought twice about how things would turn out if... If he suddenly became more interested in others. Others that weren't me.

I stayed in the garden until I was sure Astral wasn't looking for me anymore. He'd never think of coming here to look for me as the fresh air sometimes hurt my skin. But it wasn't like that pain was worse than seeing him kissing someone else. I went back to our room, found it empty, undressed and went to bed.

He crawled into my bed much later, slipping under the covers, getting as close to me as possible.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," he whispered.

I groaned and rolled my eyes. I wasn't up for this conversation. And I hadn't slept at all. "But you did."

"And I'm sorry."

He did look actually sorry, to be honest. He never really apologised. Not really. He'd say something nice and pretend it never happened. But it did happen. And I was tired of pretending it didn't.

"I don't know why I do those things."

"I know why you do those things." I sighed deeply. "You're testing me. You wanna see how far you can push me, and if I leave, it'll prove that everyone leaves you and you're entirely unlovable and-"

He cut me off by pressing his lips to mine. My body went from tense to fully relaxed in a second. I melted against him. He knew this was what I wanted the most and he always used it against me. I wasn't sure if he was even capable of fully... Liking me. Most of the time, I would think not. But still, he didn't want me to leave him behind. Despite my being fully useless compared to himself.

He pulled back, panting a little. "I am sorry."

I swallowed hard and didn't open my eyes. I wanted to feel the tingling on my lips for a little while longer. Just live in the memory my body was creating of that kiss. Like all the others I'd store it away and the memory of it would make my lips tingle. Make my body relax. It was like my own secret magic. I could use it when I needed it, but when I didn't, I could just store it in a little box within my mind.

"You always hurt me."

He chewed in his bottom lip, looking wide-eyed at me. He was used to me just forgiving him but this time I was so done. We were about to head out on our first adventure together and instead of planning it, he had gone to that stupid party, gotten drunk and kissed... I didn't even wanna think about it. I wasn't even entitled to be feeling this. But he knew. And he had pulled back fast when he realised that I had seen him. He had paled. He knew what he did.

"Forgive me," he breathed and moved in even closer, pushing his leg in between mine.

"What are you doing?" My voice shivered as Astral's hands crept under my night shirt.

"Making it up to you. Begging for your forgiveness. Giving you the thing, you want the most. You pick."

I grabbed his hands and pulled them out from under my shirt. "Don't. Not when I'm still angry at you."

"Don't what?" he whispered and kissed my jaw.

"You're manipulating me, and I don't like it."

"I'm not manipulating you." He pulled back and frowned. "I'm trying to prove I care."

"You could just say that..." I muttered.

"But you know I'm not like... Talky-feely and shit." He chuckled a little nervously. "And I didn't mean for it to happen. It kind of just did and it didn't last long. Like it was just really bad timing..." He stopped and frowned even more. "They set this up, didn't they? They knew you'd be upset."

"How would they know that?" I asked and arched a brow at him.

He rolled his eyes. "Come on, Mars."

"Come on what? I don't get it."

He moved in again and kissed me and I couldn't hold back a sound. He was a really great kisser, no one would be able to not... Lose their senses a bit.

"See?" he murmured softly.

"Exquisite point. Make it again." I grabbed his shirt and got him to kiss me again. In that moment I didn't care about whether there had been some elaborate plan to cause a rift between us. We were friends and nothing could tear us apart.

He pulled back after a while and pushed me on my back, putting his head on my chest. "We leave soon."

"We do."

"Are you excited?"

I had to think a bit about that before answering. "I'm terrified and excited. I can't remember the last time I was outside of the college city."

"Me neither. But we'll finally be able to make our own research. Travel wherever we wanna go. No one to tell us no." He sounded so excited, and it was infectious. The more he talked about the freedom we'd gain, the more I wanted to go now.

"Let's not fight again," Astral whispered then.

"We'll definitely fight again."

"I don't like it when you're angry."

"And I don't like it when you kiss others."

He hesitated for a moment, his eyes widening again. "Alright, I won't kiss anyone else, so you won't have to get angry, then."

"Good." I ran my hand up in his hair. He sighed contently and nuzzled his nose against my chest. We were going on an adventure, and it'd be glorious. I could feel it in my bones.

"You wore the jacket I bought you," he said after a long while of silence.

"Yeah."

"I liked it. You looked good. You should wear it more often."

I smiled into the darkness. "I will then."

He pressed himself closer and sighed very contently. "Good."