He stays

Ireena's

MAMA really intend to stay with me. Kausap niya ngayon si Oliver sa phone at nagpapadala siya nga mga gamit at damit. I felt so special because of this. Sinong mag – aakala na talagang tototohanin ni Mama ang sinabi niya na aalagaan niya ako? I know that she loves me but I always tend to downplay whatever I am feeling kasi lagi kong iniisip na mas kailangan si Mama ng mga kapatid ko. Marami kami. May mas bata pa sa akin kaya alam kong hindi ko dapat alagaan ang sakit na nararamdaman ko.

Iyong pagtrato ni Papa sa akin, it made me hard – not stronger, but hard Matigas ako kaya napilitan akong mamuhay nang mag – isa. When my father told me that I'd be the one to manage the Singapore Hotels ay talagang gulat na gulat ako. Bakit sa akin niya ibinigay iyon samantalang hindi naman lingid sa kaalaman niya na vocal si Oliver sa pagsasabi na gusto niya ang Singapore branch. Tama rin si Oliver noon na wala akong alam sa pagpapatakbo ng isang kompanya, kasi unang – una, fresh graduate ako. I wanted to get my masters first before I step in our family business, at that time, para sa akin ay choice lang naman ang family business namin. I don't see myself being a part of it. I wanted to try something else, isang bagay na malayo sa negosyo ng pamilya ko, pero nang sabihin ni Papa noon na nakapag – desisyon na siya kaya wala na akong magagawa, hindi na ako nag-apela pa.

I told him that I'd do it. Akala ko pagpasok ko sa kompanya, boss kaagad ako. Hindi pala. I had to be a receptionist first. Doon ako nagsimula, hanggang sa unti – unti ay napromote ako. No one around me knew who I was then. Tumira ako sa staff house. Nagkaroon ako ng mga kaibigan. I didn't tell them who I was. Then, I realized that I liked being me. Ayokong maging basta na lang anak ni Hermes Consunji o kapatid ni Artie Consunji. I just want to me – Ireen C. Iyon ang alam nilang pangalan ko. After two years, my father came to Singapore with Tita Hera. They promoted me, and they told everyone who I was.

Hindi naman ako nawalan ng kaibigan, nagulat sila, oo, pero mas madaling makisama bilang General Manager sa lahat. I knew the ins and outs of the hotel. I knew all the operations and that is why the hotel bloomed under my care.

Suddenly, Mama appeared in front of me. Hinahaplos – haplos niya ang buhok ko pagkatapos ay bahagya niyang hinawakan ang umbok ng tyan ko.

"How are you feeling? Ang dami mong maids dito anak. Nakuha mo ba sila sa isang agency?" Tahimik lang akong tumango. Mama Nina looked so... well guilt ang nakikita ko sa mukha niya.

"You don't have to feel guilty, Mama." Sabi ko sa kanya. "Naiintindihan ko naman ang lahat. Pwede mo naman akong iwanan. I can take care of myself."

"Hindi pwede iyon. Inalagaan ko ang Ate mo noong nabuntis siya sa mga anak niya, ikaw na anak kong ipinagbubuntis mo ang apo ko, aalagaan rin kita. I love you, Ireena. Alam kong lumayo ang loob mo sa aming lahat dahil sa naging desisyon na iyon ng Papa mo, but I am always here for you." She told me. Naiiyak na naman ako. I bit my lower lip to stop myself from crying. I didn't want to cry anymore. Pagod na pagod na ang mga mata ko. Tanggap ko naman na talagang hindi ako mahal ng tatay ko. Ramdam ko naman ang pagmamahal ng mga kapatid ko – it's just that I just choose to be hard to them kasi ayokong maging mahina. Kinailangan kong palakasin ang sarili ko dahil palagi kong nararamdamang nag – iisa ako. I'd rather push them all away, then be caught being weak. Hermes Consunji hates the weak and he hates me the most.

Akala ko noon kapag nakita niyang malakas ako at kaya ko ang sarili ko, it will be enough for him to forgive me. Wala rin namang nangyari. Today, I finally give up. Mamahalin ko ang sarili ko. Mamahalin ko ang anak ko. I will give the baby all the love that I didn't feel growing up and I will make sure that my child will have everything that I didn't. I will love, cherish, and treasure this child whatever happens.

I had to excuse myself. Ayokong makita ni Mama Nina na umiiyak na naman ako. Sinabi kong may kailangan akong ayusin sa silid ko. I went inside, locked the door and let all the tears out. Tahimik lang akong umiyak. Masakit pa rin. I guess Andy is right, I really need to see a doctor for this. Maybe she could help me. Hindi man siya nagp-pratice, Andy is one of the best theraphist in town. She has her own methods – pareho naman sila ni Dyosa Santa pero mas okay sa akin si Andy.

Who would've thought that I'd come seeking for her help – I hated her for being with Ruel before. Akala ko siya ang kontrabida sa istorya naming dalawa, iyon pala, ako talaga. I am just glad that Andy forgave me and things are a bit better now between us. Nararamdaman ko talagang maaasahan ko siya. Tuwing involved ako, lagi siyang naroon para sa akin. I am thankful for her.

Nang bahagya na akong kumalma ay napagpasyahan kong lumabas ng balcony. I needed air. I stood there while embracing myself. I really liked the view of this house. I could see the faint color of the sky – it's pink and purple. Ilang oras na lang ay gabi na. I will face another darkness. I will face another silent night. I used to hate silent nights before, but now, I am haunted by those nights in that island with his warmth next to mine.

Ruel – err – Martin was good to me. Alam kong hindi excuse iyon para hindi ako magalit sa kanya. Siya ang naging dahilan kung bakit biglang huminto ang mundong ginagalawan ko. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit may takot akong nararamdaman ngayon, pero hindi mawala sa isipan kong naging napakabait niya sa akin. I thought that he would hurt me, punish me or whatever, but when I was with him, he took good care of me. Made sure that I was eating healthy and was taking all the vitamins needed for the baby. Sa ganang ganito, iniisip ko kung sapat na ba iyon para magkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob upang kausapin siya. Maybe... but then what will I tell him? I sighed and looked around. Kailan baa ko talaga magiging matapang? As my head was turning, that was when I noticed a black SUV car parked in front of my house. I have a feeling that it is him. Sabi nga, speak of the devil and he will come. I didn't speak his name, but I though of him, now he is here. He is here and I will talk to him.

Naging napakabilis ng pagdedesisyon ko. Bakit ba iniiwasan ko ito? I know that I don't know why I am putting this off. I used to be so brave for confrontations. Wala namang nabago sa akin. Hindi ako pwedeng maging duwag ngayon. So, I did what I had to do. I went out of the house – as if going out of the box I put myself into, and finally decided to talk to him, face him and ask the questions that's been on my mind for so long.

"Come with me." Was the first words that come out of my mouth. Mukhang tulad ko ay nagulat rin naman siya. Mukhang hindi niya rin alam kung anong magiging reaksyon niya. "Come with me... Please." I told him again. I went inside the house already, praying to God that I will be brave enough for this. Hindi naman nagtagal ay kasunod ko na siya. I looked around, searching for my mom, mabuti at wala siya rito. Maybe she's in the kitchen or somewhere else but right now, I really need her to be somewhere else. Ayokong makita niya si Martin. I signaled him to follow me, pumasok kami sa guest room na nasa first floor ng bahay.

The room was bare of anything. Noong nag-decide akong tumira rito, naisip kong gawin itong office. I needed a place where I can be alone at times and that's not the bedroom. I grew up with the notion that the bedroom is a place to rest not to work.

Martin and I stood in the middle of the room. Nakahalukipkip ako habang naglalaro ang tingin sa kahit saan, Hindi ko kayang tingnan sa Martin. Something in my chest squirms whenever I look at him. Siguro ay takot? Anxiety? Trauma? Not sure. Wala pa akong oras para I-sort ang damdamin ko. I need to do that later.

But if I am like this, then maybe this isn't the right time to talk to him about this. I bit my lower lip. I finally looked at him. Siya rin pala ay hindi mapakali. Ilang beses siyang napapalunok habang naghihintay siguro sa akin.

"Wha... what.. a-are you doing here?" I cursed myself for stuttering so much. Bakit baa ko nagkakaganito tuwing kaharap ko ang taong ito? I hated this.

"I just wanted to see you..." Mahinang wika niya. Nagyuko pa siya ng ulo. I took a deep breath.

"Do you really think it would be this easy?" Pahina nang pahina ang tinig ko. I know that he knows what I was talking about. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay maintindihan niya na hindi talaga madali sa akin ang bagay na ito. Himala na bigla akong nagkalakas ng loob para papasukin siya sa bahay na ito. I bit my lower lip. My body is shaking. He noticed that. Napuno ng pag – aalala ang mukha niya. Hindi nagtagal ay nagsunod – sunod na ang pagpatak ng mga luha ko hanggang sa hindi na talaga maitanggi ang panginginig ng katawan ko.

I'm having a panic attack.

"Oh... oh, Ireena..." Lumapit siya sa akin but I raised my hand to stopped him. I don't want to be around him. I need to not see him. Mukhang hindi rin alam ni Martin ang gagawin. Nakita kong nilapagpasan niya ako.

Oh, he is leaving – maybe it's for the best. Maybe I needed to be alone – I deserve to be alone. I bit my lower lip, trying to stop the sobbing from escaping my lips, but I was suddenly met by darkness. My breath hitched. Ang sumunod kong naramdaman ay ang paghawak ni Martin sa braso ko – somehow... in a twisted kind of way... it, well it calmed me down.

Hinahaplos – haplos ni Martin ang braso ko, hanggang sa maramdaman kong dahan – dahan niya akong niyayakap. He was giving me enough space to push him away, but I didn't. I feel like I needed his warmth to calm me down. His warm hug is like a shield that protects me to whatever. Hinayaan ko ang sarili kong umiyak nang umiyak hanggang sa tuluyan akong nakulong sa bisig niya. I hugged him back but he hugged me tighter.

I realized one thing tonight.

I am indeed a Consunji – being twisted is one of our quirks.

xxxx

"WHY?"

Iyon ang nag-iisang salitang namutawi sa bibig ko pagkatapos kong kumalma. Somehow, Martin managed to sit down the floor, and he made me sit on his lap. His arms were still around my waist in the middle of that dark room. Na-even out na ang paghinga ko. Kalmado na ako. I found myself leaning on his chest while letting myself be surrounded by his warmth.

"Why did you take me away from my family?" My voice is calm.

"I'm sorry. It was wrong of me." Sabi niya sa akin. Tahimik akong lumuluha. Binago ni Martin ang buhay ko dahil sa naging desisyon niyang iyon. Inalagaan niya ako, pero hindi ibig sabihin noon ay nakabuti iyon sa akin. He changed everything. Iminulat niya ako sa katotohanang matagal ko nang sinusubukang tanggihan. I was awakened by the truth that I am nothing and will never be something. I hated him for this.

"I only wanted to take care of you..." He whispered so softly in my ear that I felt like falling asleep. Humigpit lalo ang yakap niya sa akin. "I know how lonely you were, Ireena..." Habang pinakikinggan ko siya ay hindi ko maiwasang mapaiyak nang husto. "Kahit kailan hindi ko ginustong masaktan ka. Ang gusto ko lang ay maging maayos ka. I want you healthy. I want you safe and sound and I had this thought that you wouldn't be like that if you are alone. You've been alone for a long time and I hated that thought."

I whimpered like a little child. Palakas nang palakas ang iyak ko hanggang sa nalunod na ako at si Martin sa mga hagulgol ko. The next thing I knew, the lights were turned on and my mother's frantic voice rang in my ear.

"Let my daughter go!" She harshly took me from Martin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero lalo akong hindi mapakali nang mapalayo ako sa kanya. Martin looked so surprised. Pakiramdam ko ay napakarami niyang gustong sabihin sa akin ngunit mas pinili na lamang niya yumuko at tumahimik. My mouth parted a bit – what he did reminded me of someone from the distant past – a part of my few lovely memories...

But is it possible?

Nagulat ako nang sampalin ni Mama Nina si Martin.

"Ma!" Nanginginig ang tinig na wika ko. Pinipigilan ko siya.

"You took her away from us! Ang kapal ng mukha mong hawakan siya!"

"Ma, please!" Pumagitna ako sa kanilang dalawa.

"Umalis ka na!"

"Ma! Hindi siya aalis." Wika ko. I looked at her eyes. "Martin is the father of my child, and he will stay with me. He stays, Mama." Hinigpitan ko ang hawak sa kamay niya. It may be a rush decision, but my mind is made up.

Martin will stay.