Sirius was pacing frantically. He would have done anything for a cigarette. His fingers ached he wanted one so badly. "Fuck," he grumbled and leaned against the railing on the stairs outside the front door of the flat in East London. It was cold and his breath streamed out in front of him when he breathed, and he pretended the breath was smoke and tried to trick his brain into believing it.

It wasn't working.

Remus sat on the first step, bent forward and hugging his knees as he stared at his loafers. He looked up at Sirius, who was biting his fingernails rather viciously. "You must stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Biting your nails," Remus said, and he struggled to push himself up to standing position, wincing as he did it, and reached for Sirius's hand, pulling it away from his husband's mouth. "It's disgusting and you're giving me anxiety with you gnawing on your hand like that..."

"I'm giving you anxiety? Rich," Sirius said, "You're the one giving out the anxiety vibes, darling husband."

Remus folded further over himself, clutching onto his ankles and letting out a long sigh and closing his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said as tears he didn't know were in his eyes were pressed out of him. "I'm so bleeding scared of what's going to happen tonight..."

Sirius pushed off from the railing and went and pushed his way down between Remus and the wall of the building, sitting on the step beside him, putting his arm around Remus's torso. "I'll be there with you the entire time, Moony and --"

"Like hell you will!" Remus interrupted.

Sirius looked shocked, "What? What do you mean? Of course I will, I'm always --"

"Not with a brand new werewolf being turned! Are you insane? You wouldn't have any control over him! He'd shred Snuffles to bits."

"Remus, you thought that you would shred me to bits too and I held my own just fine and --"

"I wasn't brand new. New turns are way, way more volatile. I'm going to be lucky that I can hold him off myself, Sirius. There is no way in hell that any of you are coming with me tonight." Though it shook a little, his voice was final. "I have to do this alone."

Sirius stared at the side of Remus's face for several long moments, his heart breaking both for and with his husband's. Sirius turned and punched the wall with the side of his fist - which hurt like hell, and he bit his lower lip frustrated and his hand smarting. "I hate this," he hissed.

"I hate it more," Remus countered. 

Sirius couldn't argue. He was sure Remus did hate it more.

"Do you remember the time I bit you?" Remus asked quietly.

Sirius stared at his boots. He nodded without looking up.

"I still feel guilty for that everyday of my life."

Sirius whispered, "You don't have to, Rey, I'm alright."

"But you might not have been, and I feel guilty for letting one of my friends be in a vulnerable situation where they were nearly bitten by the monster that's inside of me."

"Moony, you are not a monster," Sirius said gently but still with a firmness to it. He looked at Remus and smiled, "No monster wears three jumpers." He tugged on the sleeve of the outermost layer of Remus's jumpers playfully.

Remus didn't take the bait for the lightheartedness, he just stared at his old loafers next to Sirius's boots, his chin still tucked against his knee. They sat in silence for several long minutes, the noise of London thrumming around them. Sirius's eyes followed as some pigeons flew past overhead, their wing flapping frantically as they gained altitude from wherever they'd taken off from. A city bus hissed as it settled at the stop out on the main road and somewhere a car honk-honked in traffic. Sirius thought about how life was just going on all around them as they sat here, Sirius smoking an imaginary cigarette while Remus shivered and refused to go inside.

"Do you believe in God, Sirius?" Remus asked suddenly.

Sirius shrugged, "I don't know. I know James does. And Lily. But I don't know. Too much shit happens in the world, it seems. Like if there really was anyone out there - any of the gods - you'd think they'd do something about some of the bullshit. So either they can't or they won't and either way that's hard to believe much in."

Remus stared at his loafers.

"We don't usually talk about stuff like this," Sirius murmured. "What's with bringing it up now?" He paused. "Do you believe in God, Remus?"

"I want to," Remus replied.

"Want to?" Sirius asked.

Remus nodded. "There is loads of actual evidence, loads of reasons why to believe... A lot of people think it's foolishness to believe but it's like it's foolishness until you've delved deep enough to see it's just as foolish not to. But I - I'm afraid to believe."

"Why?"

"If God exists, then I'm going to go to hell because of what I am."

"See, more bullshit," Sirius murmured.

Remus felt tears stinging his eyes. "I want to believe and I think that wanting means that deep down I do, but I can't change that I am a werewolf, I can't, and it's unfair because as you said if there is any gods out there why don't they stop the bullshit from happening and my whole life has been one bit of bullshit after another. I'm a werewolf, for bleeding fuck's sake. I was three -- I was only three when I was attacked and there was no hope of me stopping -- stopping Greyback -- yet I - I'm a m-monster and I - I'd g-go to h-hell if there's -- and I just -- I believe but I d-don't dare t-to and I just - the - the - I pray for forgiveness for biting you, S-Sirius, and I - I feel - I feel like years of - of begging for -- forgiveness -- and tonight I'm - I have to change Spencer - and the bite - I'll be biting -- and -- damning him, too, and --"

"Remus!" Sirius hugged his husband tight to him, his arms pulling Remus into his chest. Remus's entire body shook as he sobbed into Sirius's neck, tears falling into the scarf that Dora had knitted him for his birthday. "Oh Remus... I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have so much on your heart..." Sirius shook his head and stroked Remus's spine. He stared up at the grey sky, at the sun's glow in the clouds. "Remus, if there is a God then he would understand, ok? He would understand. You didn't have a choice in it and I know that what James says is that God doesn't hold us accountable for the things that happen to us, or are done to us, or for the things that past what we control. It matters more how we respond to them. And Lily says that love is the center of everything, yeah? That loving others is the whole entire purpose and that through loving others you just naturally get the other things required of you right. And James and Lily they're the smartest people with things like that, yeah? I don't reckon they'd be wrong... and if Love really is the center of all the things, then you're alright. You're alright because you do love people and care for them, don't you? Even the broken ones. Like me."

"But how can you call it love that I'm going to turn Spencer?" Remus asked, choked up.

"Because he would die if you don't," Sirius answered. "And listen to you right now. You're willing to sacrifice everything to save his life. Despite it being your biggest fear. Despite it being the one thing in the world you swore you would never do. Despite what you may or may not believe about hell and all of that. You still -- you love Spencer, and you're willing to do what it takes. What's that one saying that James likes? No greater love than to lay down your life for your friends?"

Remus shivered.

"And honestly if people as good as you are being sent to hell there's no hope for the rest of us, Remus," Sirius whispered.

James and Lily were at the muggle hospital. James hovered steps behind her, invisibility cloak pulled close around his shoulders, staying right at Lily's heels to keep from being bumped into by accident as Lily moved through the hospital on the heels of the nurse that was showing her the way to Spencer's room. 

"I'm so sorry for all that's happened, Miss. Stewart," the nurse was saying over her shoulder. "Do you know how your brother was poisoned?"

"I'm really unsure," Lily replied, "I've only just arrived. But the friend he was with wouldn't have done on purpose - I know that much."

The nurse nodded, "No, no I wasn't implying --" she let the sentence drop as they got onto an elevator and Lily hesitated long enough outside for James to get in and slip to the corner before she boarded. She held onto the rails with two hands at an angle, keeping James behind her as the nurse pressed the button for the floor. She looked at Lily and smiled, then said, "We're quite glad a family member has come. We have many patients who wake up when they hear the voices of their loved ones. We were starting to get a bit nervous none were coming for Mr. Stewart."

"I came as quickly as I could," Lily answered regretfully.

The hospital was all beige and white and very stringent in a way that even St. Mungo's wasn't - clinical, Lily thought - and the nurse's greenish scrubs were bright against the bland backdrop. Lily followed the nurse until they'd reached the intensive care unit where Spencer was and she showed the supposed Miss. Stewart to Spencer's room, explaining what the machines all did and why he was needing the oxygen, why the IV drip, and what the effects of the aconite poisoning had been so far on his body. Lily nodded, listening, but willing for the nurse to hurry and leave so that they could do what they needed to. 

"I'll be just a mo'," the nurse finally said, seeing the bag on the IV was low, "I'll go and fetch the next dose." She smiled and slipped out of the room.

James yanked the invisibility cloak off the moment the door closed. "Bloody hell, she's got a set of lungs on her, 'ey? I never thought she'd shut up."

Lily was already removing sticky things that kept the monitors attached to Spencher's chest. "Hurry," she said, waving for James to help her.

James rushed over and carefully removed the IV as Lily finished with the adhesive circles. The machines around them were ding-dinging and making a great deal of racket and James aimed a wand at the door, muffling the sound, as they removed the oxygen tube from Spencer's nose and James shoved the invisibility cloak into his bag, then reached for Spencer, hoisting him up and cradling him into his chest.

Luckily, James thought, there were no barriers in a muggle hospital.

He turned on the spot and he and Spencer disapparated away.

Lily grabbed the bag of Spencer's clothes from the stand beside the bed and turned, disapparating as well after her husband.

When the nurse returned to find the room empty - the machines going haywire, and the lovely Miss. Spencer gone - she ran shouting down the hall, crying out that the patient had vanished.

James appeared in the field behind the Potter's house where they'd played quidditch many a time with the Odairs. He hurried toward the stone wall that enclosed their cottage, Spencer held close to his chest. Lily apparated behind him and ran, too, carrying the bag of Spencer's belongings. Spencer was breathing horridly as they moved through the twilight, rustling tall grasses. Peter was waiting at the door of the kitchen, his eyes wide as they ran toward him. They slipped through and Lily dropped Spencer's things on the kitchen counter as they went for the basement door.

Downstairs, they moved together - Peter, Lily, and James, carrying Spencer, through the tunnel that they'd dug out, their footsteps echoing all the way through the barriers to the door of the Howling House that they'd created. Peter opened it up and they ducked inside to find Sirius sitting beside Remus, leaning against a log in the forest habitat they'd magicked into the Howling House. 

Remus looked up as James carried Spencer in and gently laid him on the grass a few feet away from where Sirius and Remus sat.

There was a long silence as they all stood around.

Finally, it was Remus who spoke, "You should all leave. The moon will be risen soon."

"Can't we stay until --" Lily started but Remus shook his head, and she stopped mid-sentence.

Sirius's eyes were brimming with tears and he pulled Remus to him for a hug. Remus patted his husband's back, but stared resolutely with a pain-filled face even as Sirius kissed his jaw and neck with love. Lily hugged Remus, too, the moment Sirius had pulled away, and it took James drawing her off to stop her. James squeeze Remus's shoulder, and then he took Sirius and Lily under his arms and led them back to the door and out of the Howling House.

Remus heard the door close and lock behind them and he stood staring that direction for several long moments, gathering his strength and bravery...

"R-Remus?"

Spencer's voice was weak, strangled in the struggle for air.

Of course he had to wake up now, Remus thought.

He turned around slowly.

Spencer was looking up at him, his eyes barely focused, his face broken in a sweat with fever that had been held at bay by the administrations of the hospital... his breath rasped and shook.

"Wh-what's h-happening? Wh-where are we?" Spencer asked.

Remus drew a deep breath and walked over slowly. It hurt quite a lot to do, but he knelt beside Spencer, wincing as he lowered his weight onto his knees.

"R-Remus?"

Remus felt the first crack of his spine. He let out a choking gasp, and even in his horribly weak state, Spencer looked worriedly at Remus.

"It's going to be alright, Stewie," Remus gasped the words as his bones started to break and turn. "I'm so sorry... please forgive me."