"HOW DO YOU successfully blackmail someone?" Claudia asked the four boys as she entered their dormitory, only to find Remus falling off his bed.

He had to hide that he was reading one of her annotated books somehow, and for some bloody reason he decided that rolling over his bed so that he fell off it would be the only way to do it.

"Oh, Merlin! Are you okay?!" Claudia asked concernedly as Remus chucked the book under his bed mere seconds before she arrived by his side and helped him up.

"Just peachy," he replied in a tone that definitely confirmed that he wasn't 'just peachy', considering he had jammed his head against his nightstand in the process.

"You don't seem 'just peachy'," she said as she over-concernedly checked his face to make sure he wasn't bleeding or something. "Did you hit your head?"

"No, m'fine," Remus replied, but Claudia took no notice of that as she forced him to lay back down in his bed.

"So, where was I?" She asked herself before a mischievous grin came over her face. "Right. How do you successfully blackmail someone? More specifically, how do I blackmail Nolan?"

Four boys stared at her dumbfoundly for a few seconds, and then they bursted into laughter.

"What's so funny?!" She asked with a frown. "I'm being serious!"

That just caused them to laugh even harder.

"No darling, I'm Sirius," said the boy who was clearly stepping over a line as Claudia threw a shoe at him.

"I've hated you for weeks, don't go change my mind on liking you again," she sassed.

"Oh, please, I didn't even do anything. It was all a big fat misunderstanding," he said happily, considering Claudia had told them everything the night before. "Now, what the hell are you on about?!"

"I was asking you four for help!" She exclaimed impatiently. "I need help."

"You need help with...blackmailing someone?" Asked Peter with an amused smile, that turned into a laugh the second she nodded.

"Oh, will you four listen to me for one second?!" Claudia scoffed as they continued to laugh, Peter laughing so hard that he too fell of his bed. "I'm not joking here!"

"I just know you had to say 'joking' instead of 'serious' that so we wouldn't 'Sirius' you again," James grinned. "But, darling Claudia, we absolutely adore you-"

"Some more than others," Sirius butted in with a sly wink.

"True, but we all really do adore you. Love you, even. You're our girl. But there's no way in hell that you're being serious right now. Because why would our sweet little Ravenclaw actually blackmail someone?"

"Because she's bloody furious, that's why!" Claudia yelled. "And do you really think I'm that sweet?"

"I mean, you are," said Remus earnestly. "You made Inez that sweater, you always bring us food and you braid people's hair the moment they ask you to. You're as sweet as one can get."

"I guess," Claudia said with a roll of her eyes. "But, just recently I also stole from someone, tricked someone, and I actually turned a first year who wanted his hair braided down this morning because I was late for class."

That last one was a lie. Claudia came ten minutes late, but it was worth it because Julian's hair looked bloody incredible.

"And I'm very serious about this! Do not make another of those jokes, James, I see you're about to! Just help me mess with Nolan, please!"

"She really is serious," Remus said, and Claudia could have sworn she saw his eyes lit up.

"Well then, Sirius if you will," said James.

Sirius then stood up and opened a drawer in his dresser, only to pull out a piece of parchment.

"What's that?" Claudia asked.

"This, dear ickle Maple, is another secret to our successes. A guide," said Sirius proudly as he took of the string around the parchment and sat down by Remus' desk with it.

"A guide on what?"

"Like you said, a guide on how to successfully blackmail someone," the boy shrugged, waving her over to read it with him, which caused the rest of them to naturally follow.

"Do you have many of these guides?" Claudia asked ironically with a chuckle, but it didn't seem that funny anymore as the four boys only stared at her questioningly.

"Uh, yes we do," said James. "How to successfully manipulate McGonagall into letting us go without punishments-"

"How to successfully make Filch blush-" said Peter.

"How to successfully get out of Slug Club dinners-" said Remus.

"Oh, I could really use that one," Claudia said hopefully, receiving a nod from Remus that pretty much said 'noted'.

"And then there's How to Successfully Charm a Lady...that one doesn't really work for most of us," Sirius grinned.

"Shut up, you're the one who cheated!" Peter exclaimed, causing Sirius to scowl.

"It was not me! We've been over this a billion times, I was bloody affected by a potion!"

"Oh, get over yourselves," James sighed. "There's actually another one I think you'd like, Claudia."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, it's called How to Successfully Make Claudia Maple Smile," he said.

"Really?" She asked out of pure disbelief. "Why did you guys write that?"

"It's more of a list of things you like," said Remus as he curled a lock of Claudia's hair between his fingers. "We just wanted to remember stuff like that. It might sound weird, but...we just want you to be happy and writing that stuff down makes it easier for us to help you with that."

"I think I'm gonna cry now, you're such angels," Claudia said, feeling rather embarrassed by the tears of joy that formed in her eyes.

Those boys truly made her feel loved.

"Well, good thing we have our guide then if you're gonna cry," said Sirius with a grin.

"Can I read it when this is all over?" She asked them.

"How about we just keep that between us boys," said James suggestively. "It will make it more special when we actually use it."

"Alright," said Claudia with a smile on her face. "Go on then, Sirius. Let's see if this guide is completely useless or not-"

"Rude."

"Shut up and read."

"How could I possibly do that at the same time?"

"Just get to the point, Padfoot!" Remus laughed as he placed his head in the crook of Claudia's neck, causing her to smile widely and the other boys to share a look of both disgust and excitement at the same time.

"Alrighty then," said Sirius, clearing his throat. "Here goes..."

How to successfully blackmail someone
(in a non-illegal, appropriate way because we don't want to pave our own way to Azkaban.)

A guide by James Potter and Sirius Black (with the help of Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew).

"Remus definitely did all the thinking here," said Claudia.

"That's not true!"

"It is though-"

"Shut up."

Step 1: have a motive.

In order to actually succeed on blackmailing someone, you need a solid motive to do so. Otherwise you'll have no reason to do it, and it will be completely useless and only made for trouble. You'll have no motivation.

"No shit," said Claudia with a snort, causing all boys but Remus to glare at her since she mildly insulted their guide. "Sorry. At least I know we've got that one covered."

Step 2: figure out what to use against the individual that you are blackmailing.

In order to blackmail someone in an actually effective way, you need something that will make them fold and give you what you want.

An example would be that one time when Peter was intent on making Remus give him his chocolate. Peter decided to push Remus and tell him that if he didn't give him the chocolate, he would tell McGonagall that it was actually Remus and not him that had set off the dungbombs in the Transfiguration classroom.

This, dear friends, was an impressive way to threaten Remus into giving Peter exactly what he wanted.

"I don't have anything to use against Nolan," Claudia sighed. "Literally nothing can get him in trouble. My father will just get him out of it again."

"We'll figure something out, don't worry," said Remus as he squeezed her shoulder comfortingly.

Step 3: get to work!

Write it all down in a letter, and make it sound as scary (but also appropriately scary) as you can.

Hopefully your victim will give you their chocolate, their pretty potions book or their respect just as you wanted!

"I'm sorry, but this didn't help at all," Claudia said with a smile. "But it was hilarious, so I'll give you that."

"Well, we're not exactly skilled on the topic," said James. "Comedic purposes only."

Claudia chuckled at that before she finally figured something out - like she always did.

"Is it possible to blackmail someone into blackmailing someone?" Claudia asked.

"I guess it is, yeah," said Sirius. "But why on earth would you want that?"

"I dunno, it's just...if there's one thing Nolan and my father have in common, except for the fact that they're both pigs, it's that they're both fucking terrified of my grandmother."

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a/n: this was truly a STRUGGLE to write cuz ain't no way i'm googling how to blackmail someone cuz i might just end up in jail for that...

a warning: this was just for comical purposes, if i ever find out that someone has used this stupid, fake and not actually functioning guide to blackmail someone (in a not innocent funny way but in a cruel sus way) i will disappear from wattpad and probably the face of the earth as well!

this reminded me of fred and george so much

three chapters in one day party people! as you can tell i have no life :)