"THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT," said Claudia the moment she took a sip of the glass of half water and half love potion Regulus had given her.

"Really? I thought love potions would taste like strawberries or something," Regulus said.

"Well, I don't exactly think that Rosamund thought about that at the same time as she planned to ruin people's lives," said Claudia sassily, grimacing at the taste but finishing the drink nonetheless.

"Has it kicked in?"

"Nope, not in love with you yet."

"That's weird."

Claudia shrugged as Regulus handed her another glass with water and three drops of Veritaserum, which she downed in just a few seconds.

"Does it work?" Regulus asked.

"I don't know, try me," said Claudia, causing Regulus to grin widely and for her to roll her eyes. "I already hate you for this."

"Well, then the love potion still hasn't kicked in."

"Really? You think so?" Claudia said sarcastically with a glare. "Just ask me something, already."

"Uh...do you fancy anyone?" He asked smugly.

"Yes," Claudia answered quickly. "Wait, what?!"

Regulus' grin grew even bigger, and Claudia was mere seconds away from smacking him. "Who do you fancy?"

"Remus," Claudia said without missing a beat and then she smacked her hands over her mouth.

Because that was brand new information to her.

"The love potion still hasn't kicked in then, I guess," Regulus laughed.

"Wait?! What did I just say?!"

"You said that you fancy Lupin," Regulus said amusedly. "I fucking knew it!"

"I didn't even know that!" Claudia exclaimed. "Wait, how the hell did you-"

"The library," Regulus shrugged. "I recognised Sirius' laughter, and that's when I put two and two together that you guys are friends. And, well, Lupin seems like your type and I did find you two in each other's arms in a broom closet so that probably does help."

"Then why the hell did you ask me that?! You weren't supposed to know that you idiot!" Claudia exclaimed. "I didn't even know that!"

"Oh, but you did," Regulus smirked. "You fancy Lupin, big time!"

There were a few confusing seconds of silence before Claudia started giggling like crazy.

"No, I don't! I fancy you Bon Bon," Claudia then said with a big smile, reaching out her hand to caress his face.

"Oh, no," Regulus sighed, taking her hand away from his face. "Here we go."

"You're dreamy," Claudia giggled, moving to sit next to him, and then bopping him on the nose in between her words. "You're perfect, you're pretty, you're sexy, you're-"

"-Definitely uncomfortable," Regulus said, taking her hand away from his face, yet again.

"And I think love you!" Claudia exclaimed, practically sitting on his lap at this point, causing him to lift her off. "Oh, I think I really do love you, Sweet Cheeks! Do you love me?"

Regulus said nothing. And then, Claudia started to pout like a little child as tears formed in her eyes. And then, she broke down completely.

"You don't love me?!" She sobbed, causing Regulus to most definitely reconsider every single one of his life choices. "Please don't say that you don't love me!"

Claudia then broke into an extremely dramatic sob, wrapping her arms around an incredibly stiff Regulus as she did so.

"There, there," he said awkwardly as he patted her head. "I didn't mean that, I do love you."

"You do?" Claudia said hopefully, looking up to him with teary eyes.

"Of course."

"Oh, you love me! And I love you too!"

"Good," Regulus noted, wondering why the hell she was so dramatic when it was supposed to be a natural infatuation, not an obsessive one.

"Good? It's even better than good...it's wonderful! Absolutely brilliant, splendid, wonderful, incredible-"

"Claudia, I think we need to leave now," said Regulus, standing up and helping her up, which he immediately regretted considering she wrapped her arms around him again.

"Why do we need to leave?" She pouted. "There's a perfectly fine bed over there, if you know what I mean?" She winked.

"Oh, Salazar, please murder me," Regulus groaned.

"Okay!"

"Wait, what?!

"I'd do anything for you! How do you want it to be done, Angel Pie?"

"What?!"

And that's when Regulus practically threw Claudia off of him and picked up the vial of love potion, only to make two discoveries:

1. They were supposed to use three drops to avoid this "overdose" that Claudia had apparently just had.

2. This wasn't just a normal love potion. Because, the drinker would also get a huge undying loyalty for the giver, which basically meant that Claudia would do anything Regulus told her to.

And now she was about to murder him.

"Shit, we're so fucking stupid! Claudia, please don't kill me!" Regulus yelled loudly.

"Okay!" Claudia said enthusiastically. "What are we going to do now?! Can we go on a date?! Oh, I would just love some pancakes right about now, wouldn't you?! Let's go to Hogsmeade and eat and snog and-"

"What in Merlin's name is going on in here?!" Nicolas suddenly asked as he entered the room, causing Regulus to turn around with a grimace. "Why is she trying to kill you?!"

"Oh, I wouldn't do such a thing to my perfect little Sugar Pie!" Claudia said with a dramatic gasp, poking Regulus on the cheek.

"Uh...is she high?"

"Sort of," Regulus shrugged as Claudia started kissing him on the cheek over and over, causing him to run off and hide behind Nicolas, who was convinced he was high as well at this point.

"Come here, Pudding!" Claudia giggled, and at this point she was chasing Regulus around and around with Nicolas standing in the middle.

"Uh, sorry to interrupt whatever this is but...I do think you two have to go or something because lunch is almost over," said Nicolas, looking half amused half confused.

Claudia stopped abruptly, and so did Regulus as she yelled. "Food!"

Suddenly, Claudia had grabbed both boys by the arm, and dragged them down to the Great Hall.

"This is the worst idea ever," Regulus mumbled as the girl dragged them along to the Slytherin table, causing heads to turn in their direction.

"I have no idea what's going on, but this is kind of funny," Nicolas snorted. "But, like, did you drug her or something? Because there's no way she is actually in love with you."

"I am!" Claudia yelled, causing four boys to look in her direction, only for all of them to practically fall off their seats.

Remus looked at Sirius for confirmation as he did the same, Peter fell into a deep state of shock and James took off his glasses, cleaned them off with his shirt, only to put them back on again and still see Claudia hanging out with Regulus Black and Nolan Clarke.

They all wondered if she had lost her mind as she sat down by the Slytherin table, grabbed food and caused the entire table to stare at her in shock.

"Oh, hi guys!" She said cheeringly to the people that she normally despised. "Isn't it just a lovely day outside?! The sun is truly wonderful don't you think?"

"Spectacular," said Evan with an amused smile, that suddenly sunk the second Claudia started playing with Regulus' hair as if he was a dog.

And, Regulus wouldn't deny that this time around he actually didn't hate it.

"What the hell?" Evan questioned as Nolan stared at the two in shock. "What is going on?!"

"We're in love," Claudia said happily, patting Regulus on the cheek and then returning to her plate.

"You're what now?" Nolan asked amusedly, since he loved seeing Evan suffering.

"We're in love," Regulus lied quietly, hating the fact that this meant that he probably had to play along.

"What? I didn't quite catch that," Nolan grinned.

"We're in love!"

Nolan's grin grew even more at that, if that was even possible, at the same time as Evan became annoyed and Rosamund lifted her gaze off of her plate.

"How...splendid," said Rosamund, with a suspicious look on her face.

"So...when did this happen?" Evan asked.

"Uh..."

"Yeah, when did this happen, Claudia? Because just the other day you were in love with a special boy, if I recall correctly..."

"What?! Who?!" Evan asked.

"Well, I can tell you that it's someone her father won't like, right Claudia?" He said, mainly to the girl who was far too busy staring dreamily at Regulus to even notice the conversation going on. "Lup-"

But, someone else was noticing the conversation that was going on. And that someone stomped on Nolan's foot from beside him.

"Ow! What the hell, Nicolas?!"

"Sorry...you had a bug on your foot," the boy shrugged as Regulus sent him a grateful look, causing the boy to smile faintly in response.

Nicolas had no bloody idea what was going on. But he hated Evan, and even though he had practically no relationship with Claudia, he really didn't want Evan to know her business.

Come to think of it, he honestly didn't want Nolan to know it either.

Because then he would be forced to hear screams of agony almost every day of summer - like he had done for the past two years.

"Alright," Nolan shrugged. "Now where was I-"

Nolan wasn't able to finish his sentence, due to the fact that the person he was talking to had jumped over the table to the other side, sat down next to Claudia and placed his arm over her shoulder.

Claudia then did something she had wanted to do ever since she had met Evan for the first time when she was a little girl.

She shoved him off of her. No, not just off of her, she shoved him off the bench so that he ended up on the floor.

And Evan felt he had no dignity left at that point when several students laughed at him and his dusty pants.

But, Claudia wasn't laughing. She wasn't laughing when she shoved him to the floor. She wasn't laughing when he stood up awkwardly and walked away with a big frown on his face as if he was a child whose sweets had been taking away.

No, Claudia was far too busy wrapping her arms around Regulus and kissing him over and over again on the cheek.

And that, Remus saw.

Claudia wasn't his, he knew that. She wasn't his, and he wasn't hers. But still, he felt like something been stolen from him when he watched the girl he had clearly fallen in love with be all touchy with another boy.

He knew deep inside that the entire situation was weird. The fact that Claudia was even sitting at that table with those people wasn't exactly an everyday ordeal.

He knew that when she arrived alongside two people she didn't exactly spend time with. He knew that when she played with Regulus' hair. He knew it when she spoke to Nolan and Evan like they were good friends.

But, he couldn't think reasonably the second it started to look as if Claudia was in love with Regulus.

He wanted to be the one who she had her arms around. He wanted her to kiss him, hug him and be loving towards him, and not some other boy.

It became painfully obvious to Remus just how much he wanted Claudia in that moment.

He was sure that he could never have her. He was a werewolf, she was the daughter of Charles Maple. It simply wouldn't be a good idea.

But, despite that Remus wanted to die the second he saw her with him.

Sure, it might have been a bit dramatic to react that way without any context to what was actually going on.

But, the pit in his stomach and the unfamiliar feeling of not just jealousy, also but sadness was all Remus could think about.

So, before any of the other boys could notice what was going on due to the fact that they were too busy laughing at Evan, Remus left the hall.

"Where the hell did he go off to?" Sirius asked the second he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.

"No idea," Peter shrugged.

"Me neither," said James.

"Weird."

"Yes."

"Indeed."

"So, how about we go-"

"What the actual fuck!" James exclaimed. "Look!"

"What the actual fuck indeed," said Sirius when he met eyes with Regulus, who had an almost unreadable look on his face.

Some might have said that he looked just the way he always did - stern, unamused and a little annoyed. But no, this was a look of both panic and pity.

Because Regulus had noticed how Remus had stormed out of the hall. And he had remembered Claudia's confession from just minutes ago.

And now, he needed to fix it so Remus wouldn't get the wrong idea.

So, he shrugged Claudia off him and started walking quickly towards the exit of the hall, only for Claudia to immediately get up and run after him.

"Hang on, Regulus Perfection Black!" Claudia giggled, running up to the boy who had also started running at this point.

And that is how Regulus Black was chased back and forth in the Great Hall by a giggling Claudia Maple.

"What in Merlin's name are they doing?!" Flitwick and Slughorn both questioned at the same time from their seats by the teacher's table, causing McGonagall to nearly smirk.

"It's about time you two have to deal with something like this and not me," she said as she watched the two teenagers run around like lunatics, and then out of the hall, three boys following them the second they did that. "About damn time."

__________________________________

a/n: i feel like this wasn't even funny but comedy isn't my best league anyways soooo sry

and it also sucks! my sincerest apologies <3

i literally had to google "gross pet names for boyfriend" for this i-