"Not all those who wander are lost..."

I never thought that such a saying could bring out an impact on myself, as what I would truly become.

It was a saying that was expressed by a person, renowned for being the father of modern fantasy literature, J. R. R. Tolkien, an author, who has been as famous as his books like "The Hobbit" and "Lord of the Rings." The person, whose personal saying had been a daily mantra to my once baffled state of mind.

There was a point in my life, wherein, I literally felt like I was being lost in the middle of nowhere. I was a woman with no career, no business to attend to, and as I might say, no path to walk through. Although, like any daughter, who had been raised by parents who were quite adhering to the norms of society, I actually had a dream. A dream that only went down the drain, as I woke up to a reality, where hard work and perfect timing hadn't coexisted at the moment.

I was a medical student, aspiring to be a Hematologist. However, that aspiration faded when I got debarred from the school, for not being able to pass a major subject. So, I didn't make it to my second year. Of course, only a few people knew that, including my mother, whom I call "dear".
My mother's forbearance was impeccably unparalleled, that, no single, dismissive word came out from her, to grouch on her daughter, who failed her postgraduate studies, and who eventually got herself pregnant out of the blue. Yes, I got myself pregnant... But, it was one of the things that I didn't regret. As a matter of fact, the thought of having a life inside me was the only thing that had kept my mind intact, which, at that time was like a ticking time bomb, ready to blow at a specific moment.
And, there were those discouraging remarks, which for me, were one of the most wounding parts of reality that could stab someone on the chest, even more dreadful as it is, when these words came from the mouths of people, particularly, known as my relatives. As typical as it was, I heard them saying about how I still had the conscience to face my mother after I wasted the money she spent on my medical school for nothing. "Ren is a disgrace to her parents, isn't it?" Those were the exact words I remembered they spoke against me. However, as much as I was truly depressed by their words, I knew, as well, that my circumstance didn't involve blaming games. After all, these people didn't know what I had been through. They were unaware of how much fraction of my life I had put on the line just to make it through my first year in the School of Medicine. In fact, only I had known better, that, it was rather, my entire life that I gave out just for me to step into the next level.

After I got debarred, I was clueless about my next move. The only clear thing that happened to me during those times was my marriage to the father of my child. But then, after that, nothing seemed so transparent.
Aside from parenting, I tutor grade schoolers for a few years before I managed a small canteen. Then, along the way, I studied Pharmacy. I did everything I could, to make myself get back up on my feet. However,despite the efforts I executed, the choices I had that came in together with my life, were still in a blur. It didn't also help that people, in their unsolicited advice, kept telling me to do this and try that. More than that, some would tell me to work abroad... And then, what, leave my family behind? Needless to say, it wasn't yet appropriate for me to leave my son, who was still a few months old during that period. Aside from that, my mother was already up in years of her age to be left, without a husband to be alone with.

Hence, it felt like, I had been driving on a very long road with no specific destination. Until, one candid moment arrived.

It became my own convention to go and stroll at the mall, every time I want to get my mind off depressing thoughts. Then, during one of those times, I went to its department store and caught glimpse of a rectangular, landscape designed wall frame. As I drew closer to the object, I fathom it to be a photograph of a white, vintage car. Above the car, was an almost azure celestial dome, and from there, was a calligraphy, written, "Not all those who wander are lost." - J. R. R. Tolkien.

The words had brought my inner being into a state of awakening. It dawned on me that, being a woman with no career would not define me as for who I am. As far as I understood the meaning of those words, I could say that all I need was time, a time to heal, to stay collected and bring recognition to what or whom I love, taking into account, most especially, my family.
When my father was still alive, he would give me a lecture about the scriptures he had read in the bible, and I remembered notably in Ecclesiastes, telling about the "time for everything."
It appeared that my father's lecture and my small encounter with that photograph had an interconnection, which brought forth a hole of light through my dim space.

I went home that time, having brought with me the photograph, along with a certain realization.

Although I wasn't literally driving my own car, I happened to contemplate that, life can be like a different set of roads. It doesn't matter which way you go, as long as you're truly sure that it was you navigating each and every road, and not anybody else, because, in the end, nobody can brand you for who you are, and nobody can tell you just what to do.
After all, "you are your life's own captain..."