Chapter 35

The Relapse

His words fall like acid and Nika was caught unguarded as it fizzes and burns her skin. Miko might have just called her bluff.

Nika didn't mean to start a fight and she knew well enough it's too late to retract her words. Pero nabitiwan na niya, nasagot na rin ni Miko.

She didn't mean to voice it out. She wasn't even thinking about that before, na baka may posibilidad na mapapagod din si Miko sa kanya. It just suddenly crossed her mind. Hindi niya na rin naisip kung okay lang bang sabihin niya 'yon. The words just rolled off her tongue in sheer frustration.

Sana pala hindi na lang niya tinanong.

Tanga rin talaga ko, e. Pagod na nga siya dinadagdagan ko pa.

She swallowed the lump in her throat, her fingers were gripping her phone tightly as if she was holding on to something that was slipping away.

Nika sucked in some air as silence dawns between them. Her teeth were digging on her lip as she fight off the churning in her stomach and the blurring in her eyes.

The heat on her cheeks wasn't helping at all. Mas lalo naman 'yong paghahapdi sa mata niya.

Nika blinked and a tiny gasp from her end goes unnoticed when an alarm from the other line went off. She huffed, tilting her head upwards to keep herself from shedding a tear.

She sucks in some air as she holds on to her breath.

"Are you still there?" he asked.

Nika swallowed. "Bakit?"

"I'm hanging up. Done na break ko." A pen clicks on the other line again. Kanina pa pinipindot ni Miko 'yon. It was the only sound prevalent from his end, and Nika couldn't help but wonder if he was as regretful and nervous as she was.

"Ibababa mo na talaga?"

Narinig niya 'yong pagsinghal ni Miko sa kabila. "I want to hang up. I don't want to fight with you."

"O?" A tear trickled down her cheek. "Wala ka ba talagang pakialam?"

"What? Of course, I care. Alam mo naman 'yan, 'di ba? I care about you."

"Talaga?" Nika tried hard not to sniff so soundly so he wouldn't have any idea that she was at the verge of sobbing. But her lips began to quiver and it's making it even harder to keep her tears from falling. "May paki ka pero hindi mo kayang i-cater 'yong inis ko sa 'yo? Hahayaan mo lang na ganito ako?"

"Nika." He sighed. "I'm really tired. Please?"

"Tangina. Ang hirap namang singitan ng law school at trabaho mo. Kahit five minutes wala akong makuha sa 'yo." A pained smile etched on her lips.

"No—"

His words were cut off when Nika dropped the call.

Nika's eyes drags through her tita's mini garden to the gateway. She feels like the same five-year-old kid again, clutching her tita's phone tightly. Kasi baka tumawag 'yong mama niya para bumati.

She was at the same old spot each year during her birthdays, hanging around just to see every person walking nearby, hoping that one of those strangers was her father, visiting for her birthday.

But he never came, and the calls never happened on the exact day she was born. They were always late, and every greeting came with apologies and promises.

Ulit-ulit na lang. Nika thought she has finally freed herself from the recurring pattern of begging people to stay for her, to never get tired of her, to spare some time with her . . . to love her.

Pero nandito na naman siya ngayon. At the same old spot, clutching the same old thing . . . always finding herself begging for the same old promises to come true.

Ano pang silbi ng pamamanata niya dati? Na hindi na siya magmamakaawa para manlimos ng atensyon ng iba? It was useless because here she was again. Doing exactly what she swore not to.

Dito lang din naman pala siya babagsak ulit.

***

Learning something beneficial takes a lot of effort and dedication, and so does unlearning things that no longer serves a purpose, and patterns that only causes you harm.

It took Nika a lot of years to learn how to be okay with her parents' neglect. It took her years to accept they never really wanted her. It took her years to learn that people just comes and goes and sometimes, there's no deeper reason for their departure. No goodbyes, just the hanging silence of dead air. And she has to be okay with that.

It's not also rocket science to figure out that regrets were always found at the end.

Buong umaga simula no'ng pagkagising niya, inisip ni Nika kung tama ba 'yong mga sinabi niya kagabi. She backtracked to their messages. Ang cute-cute pa n'ong sinagot ni Miko sa kanya na maraming dots.

She could almost here his voice saying, "I miss you a lot." Magaan. Malambing. He would whisper it, but it always comes out loud enough to ease the tides.

Maayos silang nag-uusap, e. So why did she have to ruin it?

Nika wanted to slam her head on a concrete wall.

Tanga ka, tanga. Alam na ngang pagod 'yong tao sa school at trabaho, dadagdag pa.

Nika
Andy?
Si Miko?

She nibbled inside her lip while waiting for Andy's reply dahil wala ring text sa kanya si Miko. Maybe he's angry.

Hindi niya naman masisisi. He has the rights to be angry.

Andy
Nikaaaa
I'm not sure kasi I'm outside
I think he's at home

Nika
Ah sigeee
salamuch

She debated whether it was right to reach out or to let him be. After all, nabanggit ni Miko sa kanya kagabi na nag-uumpisa na siyang mapagod.

Kung sakaling mangungulit siya ngayon . . . baka masagad ko na.

Nika distracted herself. Sinamahan niya ulit si Chrisha lumabas. They had their hair trimmed and freshly colored. They also went to eat at the newly opened Vietnamese restaurant she was meaning to try.

Ginawa niya na rin 'yong huling activity at machine problem niya.

She wanted to reach out to him or to drop by at their place for a quick visit just to see if he was doing okay . . . and to apologize. But his words kept on replaying at the back of her mind.

I'm starting to, paulit-ulit. It plays in her mind like a broken record she couldn't seem to get rid off.

Nika sighed.

Nika
Miko, sorry kagabi|
Miko, sorry ka|
Miko, sorry|
Miko|
Mi|
M|
|

"Lana! Sabi ko don't move! Hindi tuloy pantay eyeliner mo, hindi ako si Nika!" Mithi's complaint was the first thing she heard when she got back to their dorm.

"Ano nangyayari sa inyo d'yan mga 'te?"

"Finally!" Nakahinga nang maluwag si Lana. "You're here! Lagyan mo 'ko ng eyeliner, please! May date kami ni Laslo, ang pasmado ng hands ni Mithi!"

"What!" Nanlaki 'yong mata ni Mithi. "It's your fault, kurap ka nang kurap!"

"No! Kamay mo lang talaga 'yan, pasmado ka kasi."

"O, 'wag na kayo mag-away," awat ni Nika sa dalawa. Naiiling na lang din siya. "Akin na nga, ako na maglalagay sa 'yo."

"Thank god!" Lana said.

"Thank god talaga!" Mithi rolled her eyes. "I can finally nap!"

"Nika, o! Inaaway ako ni Mithi!"

She smiled, redoing Lana's eyeliner. "Tama na 'yan, mga bata. Kumain na ba kayo ng lunch?"

"Kakain pa lang. may date kami ni bebi ko," Lana answered, trying to peek at her eyeliner on a compact mirror.

"'Wag mo muna kasing silipin para hindi masira. Kaya naiinis sa 'yo si Mithi, e." Nika took the mirror away from her hand.

"Gusto ko kasi maliit lang—"

"Oo nga! Alam ko gusto mo, 'di naman kita first time lagyan ng eyeliner 'no! Others ka ba?"

Lana chuckled. "Fine! Sorry!"

"Ikaw, Mithi? Kumain ka na? Parang gusto ko magpa-deliver—" A knock on the door cuts her off.

"Pabukas, makikitulog lang," katok ni Klein sa labas. Mithi got up from Lana's bed to open the door.

"Thank you, Mithi!" A wide smile was drawn to Klein's lips when he saw Mithi at the door. He ruffled her hair and Mithi immediately swatted his hand away.

"'Wag mo guluhin hair ko. Kakasuklay ko lang kanina."

"Ay, sorry," he said, chuckling. He even reached his hand out to pinch her cheek. "Cute-cute mo talaga! May pasalubong ako sa 'yo."

"Really?" Mithi smiled.

"Bakit si Mithi lang meron? Pa'no kami?" sabi naman ni Lana.

"Kay Laslo ka manghingi," sagot ni Klein sa kanya.

Natawa si Nika. "Oo nga! Do'n ka kay Laslo manghingi."

"Oo, tapos ikaw kay Miko," sabat ni Klein.

The mere mention of his name struck a thread in her heart. Nika tried to maintain the smile on her lips for a few seconds before it fades away without any of her best friends noticing her sudden pause and the pooling at the edge of her eyes.

Umupo siya sa sulok ng kama niya. Nakisiksik din naman si Klein para humiga. He normally stops by their dorm to sleep whenever they have long vacant hours to pass the time. Wala namang kaso 'yon kila Lana at Mithi. They also became friends overtime. Pero madalas na may panuhol si Klein sa kanila dati. Choco mallows for Mithi, and strawberry smoothies for Lana who left shortly for her date.

"Nika, order ka na ng food please! Gusto ko ng chicken wings. Mild buffalo with ranch and blue cheese dip," request ni Mithi.

"Okay, 'yon lang ba?"

"Yup!" Mithi nodded.

"Ayaw mo dagdagan ng garlic parmesan? Libre ko."

"O?" Napabangon si Klein. "Talaga? Libre mo?"

Natawa naman si Nika. "Oo libre ko! Ano gusto n'yo?"

"Sure ba, Nika?" Mithi asked.

"Oo. Ano ngang gusto n'yo—"

Napahinto si Nika nang bumangon si Klein sa tabi niya. Mithi's eyes were narrowing on her too.

Of course, her friends knew what treating them means.

"Okay ka lang ba?" Klein asked. "Anong problema? Sinong susuntukin ko?"