Chapter 34

Thin Ice

"Chrisha," Nika called for her sister again after reading the last message Miko has sent her. She kept her phone inside her bag for a bit. Hindi niya rin alam kung ano'ng sasabihin niya pabalik. Sure, she wanted to say it back to him. Pero hindi niya rin alam. She gets him, but at the same time, nagtatampo rin siya. And the inkling thought that it was her fault for getting Miko in trouble at work keeps bugging her.

"Hmm?"

They were on their way to get some frozen yogurts. Nauunang maglakad ang nanay nilang dalawa. Her sister was busy roaming her eyes around at the makeup outlets and Nika tried to match her pace.

She sighed, swallowing in the process while her system gathers a bit of courage. "Gusto ko lang mag-sorry."

"Ha?" It made her sister pause.

Nika smiled at her faintly. "Last time, no'ng tinawagan mo 'ko. Wala akong excuse do'n. Hindi mo deserve, nadamay ka lang din kaya ano, sorry."

"Ah . . ." Chrisha returned her smile. "It's fine, Ate."

Fine? "Talaga?"

Her sister nodded. "Mom told us and I honestly felt bad. Everything was so unfair for the both of you. Somehow I wished you knew how she were in those years, but I totally understand where you're coming from so it's fine."

"Talaga? Ayos lang?" Parang ang dali naman ata? Alam ni Nika na hindi rin maganda 'yong mga nasabi niya kay Chrisha no'n. And if she could take it back, she would. But it's too late.

"I'm just glad you're giving Mom a chance," Chrisha said, clinging an arm around hers as they walk along. "I hope you're there whenever she talks about you."

"Ha?" Nangunot ang noo niya. "Talks about me?"

Chrisha hummed, nodding. "Yes. Most of the time she wonders about you and then whenever Tita calls about your swimming competitions or achievements in school, she would often say na ang galing-galing daw ng sister namin, and that you're both athletic and a math genius and you took after her looks and height."

Nika's eyes widened with the information her sister had just given her. She blinked. "O?" Talaga?

"Yup. She's also proud of you, Ate. So when I knew you were mad at her, it didn't make any sense to me because I know Mom loves you just as much." Chrisha swallowed. "Somehow I also got mad at you because you were so unfair to her and you were also rude."

Natigilan si Nika sa narinig niya. She couldn't quite wrap her head around the idea that her mom talks about her that way. And that she actually cares about her. Hindi niya naman kasi ramdam na proud din pala nanay niya sa kanya. She never reached out to tell her she's proud.

A sudden drop in her stomach made her palms grow cold. Her heart thumped. She didn't know.

But how was she supposed to know? Ni minsan naman tuwing nag-uusap sila, never nag-come up 'yon. Nika would just message her for allowance and tuition then that would be it. Neither of them would ask about each other's welfare. Neither of them opened up.

"Sorry." Nika chewed inside her lip.

"Ate?" Chrisha called.

"O?"

"It's fine. You don't have to worry about it. I'm just happy you gave her a chance."

"Ah . . ." Her words fall. All she could do was nod and let the conversation fly away.

Her heart can't seem to catch its pace at the inkling idea that her mom was proud of her. She was . . . proud of her. Despite the silence and distance and her detachment, she was proud of her.

And she doesn't really know how to properly digest that piece of knowledge because for most of her life, Nika couldn't care less whether she was disappointing her parents or not.

Kasi ang alam niya, wala naman siyang magulang.

None of them wanted her.

She has already made her peace with that.

Nika went home to spend the night with her mom and her sister after their shopping spree. Hindi niya rin alam kung paano siya napapayag ng nanay niya at ni Chrisha. But Nika thought that maybe, spending a night with her mom and her family wasn't so bad. Maybe, this was both of them, finally reaching out to one another.

The night dwindled down through movies after movies with bottle of beers, pizzas, and chicken wings. They watched some horror films (one of which disappointed her and Chrisha for being a snooze fest), and it's nice to know it was something the three of them share in common. Mahilig din palang manood ng horror ang nanay at kapatid niya.

Nika went out for a bit of fresh air on their little veranda. The night breeze was filled with smoke from the nearby barbecue place around the area.

She sat down at the hanging nest chair, pulling out her phone from her pocket.

It's been five hours, and the last text he sent her stands still.

I love you, it read.

Nika sighed. Kung sasagot ba ako ngayon, magre-reply kaya siya? Pasado alas-dies na rin naman. Pero s'yempre, sa sobrang unique ng schedule ni Miko, hindi niya na rin alam kung kailan ba 'yong tamang tiyempo para makasingit siya o kung may parte man lang ba sa schedule ni Miko na nakalagay 'yong pangalan niya.

His feelings and sincerity were never the question. Kahit naman hindi sabihin ni Miko, alam na alam ni Nika 'yon. She feels it. She knows he loves her.

But is that enough?

Siguro . . . ewan ko.

Nika
Miss mo ba ko?
One dot nga kung miss mo ko

Miko
............

She smiled at his immediate response. Natututo na talaga si Miko. Parang dati, magtatanong pa siya kung ano'ng meaning ng sinasabi ko.

Nika wanted to pat herself for feeling so proud.

Nika
Dami niyan ah

Miko
I miss you a lot.

Nika
Okei

Miko
And I'm really sorry for last time.

Nika
Talaga?

Her phone immediately rang and Nika answered his call on the second ring.

"I'm sorry," he said even before she could say hello.

A smile drew on her lips. "Anong sorry? Gusto ko puntahan mo 'ko."

Miko chuckled on the other line. "Right now?"

"Busy ka ba?"

A brief pause hangs on the line. And within that window, Nika somehow hoped he would say no even thought it was quite a bit farfetched. A shot in the dark.

"Yeah. I'm just on a quick break." Sabi ko nga.

Her smile drops. "Wala ka namang pasok bukas. Sabado kaya."

"I have a lot to catch up on. Next time, I promise."

A tiny whirlpool lands in her stomach. It was that word again. Ilang beses niya na bang narinig 'yon? And how many times did it fail her already? Nakakaumay na rin. 

'Di niya napigilang umismid. "Puro ka na promise. Mga kailan mo makukulayan 'yan?"

"Nika—"

"Aabot ba ngayong buwan?"

He sighed and the whirlpool grows. "I'll try, okay?" 

"Miko, sabihin mo na lang kaya?" she said, drawing her eyes to the void. Dark. Empty. Starless. The cold ran to her spine. 

"What do you mean? Anong sasabihin ko?"

"Na iniiwasan mo 'ko saka ayaw mo 'kong makita—"

"What?" putol ni Miko sa kanya. "It's not like that!" 

"Hindi ba? Kasi kasalanan ko naman kung bakit ka napagalitan ni Atty. Miranda last time 'di ba? Na-late ka dahil sa akin? Kaya iniiwasan mo 'ko para hindi ka mapagalitan ulit kasi hindi ka nakakapagtrabaho nang maayos kapag kasama mo 'ko."

"Okay . . ." He paused. "What are these assumptions and would you please back them up?"

"Assumptions?" Nangunot ang noo niya. "Hindi ako nag-a-assume. Totoo naman. Kahit five minutes 'di mo 'ko mabigyan simula no'ng napagalitan ka. Kung 'di ako magpaparamdam sa 'yo 'di mo 'ko maaalala. Break mo ngayon 'di ba? Kung hindi ba ako magte-text sa 'yo, magkukusa kang magparamdam sa 'kin? Whole day akong walang narinig sa 'yo kahit isang update lang sana para alam ko kung okay ka, wala akong nakuha. Hindi ka naman siguro aabutin ng one minute para pulutin 'yong cellphone mo at i-type na buhay ka pa, 'di ba?"

"Nika, you know it's not like that." A long and soundly breath left his lips. 

"Ano? Pagod ka na rin ba sa akin? Sabihin mo lang."

The chatters on the nearby barbecue stall overpowers the silence on the other line. His breathing was too quiet. Hindi niya rin alam kung nando'n pa ba si Miko sa kabilang linya, pero hindi pa naman putol 'yong tawag nila. He's still there and she's not hanging up as long as he's still there. 

Nika clutched on her phone when she heard a pen clicking on the other line. 

"You know what?" he says, breaking the pause. "I'm starting to."