The shock written on his face as he jumped up from the bed was unmistakable.

"What have I done!" he said.

"What do you mean?" she asked in confusion.

"Malu, I thought this must be a casual affair when you agreed to sleep with me. I did not know it would be this deep a feeling for you", his face wrung with concern.

"You thought I would sleep casually with anyone?" she asked.

"No! I did not mean that. I thought that you had a crush on me, from what I gathered from the talk about thunderstorms yesterday", he replied.

"How does it matter Vishnuetta?" she asked.

"It matters Malu, I can't be with you, I can't marry you, I can in no way express my love for you without....." he stopped.

"I only agreed to sleep with you; I didn't agree to anything else. I am a grown woman and take my word for only what it means. But the fact is, I love you, and a part of it for me was to be intimate with you, and I only wanted that. I understand; we can't be together; your family, status, wealth, caste, and looks are entirely different from mine. There is nothing common between us. I would be a fool to think we might end up together. ", she replied.

"Don't you understand that none of those matter to me? Malu, I love you, and I have loved you for some time. I had a great sense of relief leaving Prayikkal, because it hurt me to see you without you being mine. I thought this might be a casual encounter for you, and I will bear the brunt of never being with you in this lifetime. If I knew you loved me, I would have never done this with you and made you feel the pain that I have felt for the past three years", he said.

"I am used to it by now," her eyes were brimming with tears. "I have always tried to reach you and yet have pulled myself away at the same time because I thought you might never accept me," she replied.

"Accept you? I would consider myself lucky!" he replied. "But I can't be with you, for your own sake," he replied, sitting beside her on the bed. He searched her eyes, weighing in his mind whether he should tell her and risk losing her.

"What is it Vishnuetta? Why for my sake? Is it the thing that makes you feel guilty?" she asked.

Vishnu slowly nodded and finally said, "Malu, if I tell you about my past, I risk your goodwill, and I know now, I will risk your love as well. But I have to tell you for your own sake".

She drew the blanket over herself and sat in attention next to him.

"I have a younger sister, Gopika. She is the darling of our family, but you can imagine what kind of a strict life she had to lead in our household. She had everything; except freedom, but then neither did any of us boys of the family have it until we moved to hostels. She got admission to a college and moved to a hostel. In the first semester of my M. Tech, I was called home by my grandfather. He told me that she had gone wayward in the hostel. They all thought that she would live the way in the college the way she lived in our home, wearing davani and coming to the hostel right after class and not talking to anyone, especially boys. Only I knew how lonely and self-conscious she was in college. Nobody wore such old-fashioned clothes in the colleges anymore and she looked out of place. So when I got my first GATE scholarship, I sent her some clothes in the latest fashion, selected by my friends in Bombay. She was always restricted from making friends of different social standing, and I gave her the courage to talk to other people. She slowly started making friends with everyone, especially a Christian boy. From what I gathered he was a very nice young man and.... she loved him. My family got to know about it and she was immediately brought back. But that boy tried to reach out to her and that was when I got to know why I was called back home by my grandfather... we had to get rid of him.

My grandfather sent me to supervise the operation. He has many gundas on his payroll and they kidnapped the boy he was beaten within an inch of his life and was left on a railway track. I felt bad, he was someone whom Gopika loved and he treated her better than her own flesh and blood. So when the rest of the gundas left, I pleaded with the one entrusted to get me out of the crime scene, Aniruddhan chettan, to get me back to the boy. I still remember with a thudding heart how we both ran back in the dark night to the railway track and pulled him out. He survived, but he wasn't the same anymore. He became mentally disturbed and remained in the hospital for almost three months. In the same week that happened, my sister was married off to someone my grandfather selected. As if in defiance, she married the man selected for her and then refused to speak to any of us after that.

You have no idea Malu, how I wish I had the courage to stop that boy from getting ruined. How I wish Gopika could have been with the boy she loved... Are you angry with me Malu?" he looked beseechingly at her.

"Yes, but more than that, I am disappointed" she replied, her eyes filled with tears.

Vishnu sighed. "I understand, and so was she. I was her only ally in the world stacked against her and I was the one who backstabbed her. I did not want to tell you any of this because if you know you will be angry, upset, or afraid of what I have done. But I had to tell you because if they come to know about you, then they won't hesitate in destroying you and your family just the same way. Gopika did not defy our family because they would have tried to end his life again and neither could I because you might end up the same way as him and I won't be able to forgive myself", said Vishnu desperately.

"I have to go to the work site", she said, her voice slightly trembling.

"What!" he asked.

"It almost going to be 10, I need to go to the work site and let them know that the construction work is suspended until the roads below are cleared from the landslide", she said trying to make her face blank.

"OK... May I drive you to the work site?" he asked in trepidation.

"Thank you", she replied.

They both got ready and left in his jeep to the uphill site. All throughout the journey she was quiet and did not speak. When she reached she was busy speaking with workers while Vishnu sat on a milestone puffing on cigarettes. On the way back, again she was silent. He parked the jeep and she walked into the guest house, but before she could enter her room he grabbed her elbow and pulled her towards himself, his eyes begging for an answer.

She looked into his and after a long pause she said, "Vishnuetta, how could you do something like that?" She paused with a sob, "The first time I saw you I thought you were an angel. Someone, so intelligent, beautiful, pure, perfect, and unattainable. But with the passing of time, you have stripped yourselves of that divinity and have changed into the human who is in front of me, a human with flaws and regrets. Maybe it is the love that has transcended a dozen years or maybe it's because I am also a human with many flaws, I still love you and I think I always will". Her eyes were swimming in tears. "It breaks my heart to think about what you have done, but I could forgive you because you have regretted and tried to redeem your mistake. I know you are not perfect, but I can't stop myself from forgiving you for your past. I don't know why I am so irrational, but I love you".

Vishnu pulled herself into a hug, trembling with emotions so strong that he never knew he had in him. Finally, he pulled her away from himself and cupping her face, he looked into her eyes, "I think we are both too far gone in our feelings for each other. But we can't be together and you understand why", he said to her and she nodded in reply.

"It is a mistake that I had slept with you, forgetting that I do not deserve you. But I am selfish Malu. So selfish that I would hide such a grave danger to your life, just to spend a few moments with you. When they clear the roads I will return to those people who did that crime and be a part of it. And you also forget that we were ever together", he said with tears flowing down his cheeks.

She buried her face in his chest sobbing and finally she looked up and said, "Vishnuetta, please make peace with your past, ask for forgiveness, and then maybe what is eating you from inside will be over".

Vishnu nodded to her with determination.

"You got the chance to be selfish, now I want that chance", she said to him.

"What?" he asked in confusion.

"I want a relationship with you. And I want to tick every single milestone in that relationship. I want you to woo me, date me, make love to me, and.... break up with me" she said.

"What!" he looked at her in shock.

"I have loved you for more than a decade, I want closure if you are willing to give me," she said.

Vishnu nodded his head and said, "Of course. If that's what you want, until the time that I leave here. Let us have a relationship that is worth a lifetime in the time that we have" he said.

"Yes, let us have a relationship", she said and they kissed.

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