CHAPTER TWENTY

RANDLE'S POV

Hidden bucket list: To fall in love.

Falling in love, according to everything I watched and read, is one of the greatest things you'll ever experience in life.

Oo, nakakatakot magmahal kasi masasaktan at masasaktan ka, but isn't that always part of the package deal?

When you fall in love, you tend to get hurt at some point. Kasi love isn't just always about rainbows, cupcakes, and butterflies, there would also be thunders and storms, earthquakes and tsunamis, erupting volcanoes, and such.

When you fall in love, you're bound to feel pain, at depende na lang sa iyo kung ano ang magiging sunod mong hakbang. Kung bibitaw ka na ba o kakapit ka pa.

For someone like me who only has limited time to live, I don't think I'll ever want to fall in love.

Or maybe I do, but I don't want someone to fall in love with me.

Kasi alam ko eh. Alam kong masasaktan lang sila katulad ng nararamdaman ni Mommy at ng best friend ko. I saw how they got hurt when they knew about my condition. I saw how they cried and suffered when they watched me have an attack and they couldn't do anything.

So knowing him... that he actually said he loves me... that he fell for me... It scares me big time.

I don't want to have another person suffering because of me. Tanggap ko na nga eh. Tanggap ko nang may deadline na ang buhay ko. Tanggap ko na at ayokong i-extend 'yun para labg makita na naman ang mga mahal ko sa buhay na nasasaktan at nahihirapan.

This is not me being selfish. This is me trying to be selfless for them.

I want nothing more than to actually be with them — to be with Bryle, but I can't afford to see them in pain. I just can't.

I sighed as I tried sitting up on my bed. Thankfully, I did not have an attack last night, but my eyes were puffed due to crying all night.

Ever since he left, I began feeling how much it hurts if he began moving on and actually being with someone else. Masakit, masakit na masakit, but I have no choice. I don't want him to experience what Mom experiences. Masyado na nga akong naging selfish simula nang pumayag akong samahan niya akong tuparin ang bucket list ko eh, ang mahalin pa kaya ako?

I reached for my diary slash scrapbook — the one filled with my bucket list and our pictures. Binigyan ko siya ng listahan noon ng bucket list ko, but I never included the last and hidden one at the back of my diary. Hindi ko rin naman kasi alam kung matutupad o gugustuhin ko siyang matupad eh.

But looking and realizing everything now, of how much I missed him right now, of how much I badly want to take my words back and be selfish in order to be with him until my last breath, kinda pinpoints this hidden bucket list.

"I'm such an idi*t for not realizing I have already fallen for you too." I caressed my diary and cried again. "I miss you, you idi*t," I whispered as I hugged my diary and sobbed harder. I was about to lie on my bed again when I heard the strum of a guitar just outside my bedroom window.

Wala naman akong pakealam at baka mga estudyanteng nagkita-kita lang iyon para mag-jamming kaya lang napatitig ako sa nakasarang bintana nang may marinig na akong boses. "Lift your head, baby, don't be scared of the things that could go wrong along the way."

I know that voice! I know it! I forced myself to stand up and leave the bed as I made my way to the window. When I opened it, a man playing an acoustic guitar and singing outside my house welcomed my sight. He also had flowers of Santan in his polo pocket.

He looked serious but when his eyes landed on me, he smiled. Bryle actually smiled as if I did not push him away from me last night — as if I did not hurt him in any way.

Hindi ko alam pero I ended up in tears all over again. Even if I caused him pain, he still managed to smile at me as if everything was okay between us. He still ended up being sweet like how I liked him before and up until now.

He still managed to become the Bryle Juarez I loved.

"Anong ginagawa mo riyan? Ang ingay ingay ah!" I joked which made him stop singing and ended up laughing.

"I'm courting you. It's pretty obvious!" sigaw niya naman pabalik.

I tsked at his words but I wasn't able to stop my lips from forming into a smile. "Nakakainis ka alam mo 'yun?"

"Same goes for you! I already told you I love you and I'm not planning on leaving you!" I saw him chuckle. "I am crazily in love with you, Randle Anne Irrah G. Miñoza! And I'll be with you until God takes me away!" he screamed like he doesn't care if anyone gets annoyed with his shouts.

My tears were still actively falling from my eyes but I was able to wipe them away fast. "Pumasok ka na nga! Nanggugulo ka ng mga kapitbahay eh!"

Bryle shook his head. "I'm still not done, Randle! I still have a question for you."

"What?"

He took his flowers and smiled at me. He seemed a little nervous from my point of view though. "Will you be my girlfriend? Will you be with me until the end of times?"

Mas lalo namang lumakas ang pag-iyak ko. Hindi ko malaman kung o-oo ba ako o hindi, kung hahayaan ko ba ang sarili ko, kung hahayaan ko ba si Bryle na matali sa akin sa loob ng ilang buwan kong natitira at basta na lang siyang iiwan kapag sinabi na ni Lord.

I don't know what to do. I want to say no to keep him safe, to keep him from getting hurt, but... I want him with me. I enjoyed the times when we were together — when we were us.

I nodded my head and chose to be selfish once again. "Yes. I will be your girlfriend!" naiiyak pero nakangiti kong sigaw pabalik sa kaniya.