CHAPTER THREE
Warnings: Strong language, panic attack, and mention of Deceit (the new Side).
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"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."- Nhat Hanh
"Logan, could I speak to you for a moment?"
At the sound of his emotional counterpart's voice, the logical facet sits up and places his book back in his lap. Somehow, he already knows what he wants to talk about. "Of course."
Taking a seat beside his friend, Patton twists the hem of his shirt in his hands as he tries to think of how to word his concerns. Logan is patient with him, simply crossing one leg over the other and resting his forearms on his thigh. He already knows that Patton sometimes struggles with putting his thoughts into words, and can especially understand the feeling of intimidation around Logan, who Roman rather accurately calls a 'human dictionary'. And despite already knowing what Patton is worried about, Logan wants to give him a chance to explain it for himself. Because the moral persona's feelings (ew), thoughts, and perspective may be very different to his own.
Eventually, Patton hesitantly meets his gaze and pulls at one of the sleeves of the hoodie wrapped around his shoulders. "Have you noticed anything different about Roman and Virgil's relationship? Do you think they've been acting differently around each other lately?"
Logan nods and sits up straight, pushing his glasses up nervously as he also attempts to voice his feelings. "Yes. With the limited information I have now, I can only assume that they have had a disagreement of some kind. What about, I'm not sure, but I'm... concerned that their relationship may be reverting back to how it used to be."
At the mere suggestion of Roman disliking Virgil as much as he once did, Patton tenses up and shrinks slightly, as if attempting to hide himself away from the reality of the situation. Logan hates seeing him so afraid, but until he knows why the two of them are fighting in the first place, what can he do? "Patton, we should try asking Virgil about what happened. It's become very clear that Roman is trying to pretend that Virgil does not exist, so it is unlikely that we will get any information from him."
After a second or two, Patton shakes his head sadly, taking a deep breath and nervously telling Logan about the very distant conversation he had with the anxious trait over a week before. Logan listens closely, noting anything about the interaction that may seem unusual for the two of them, but finds the whole conversation quite odd.
Although Virgil is rather reclusive, he and Patton's relationship has gotten a lot stronger, so Logan would have expected him to confide in the father figure at least a little bit. On the other hand, it isn't too surprising. Virgil and Roman's relationship is extremely complicated, even after the 'Accepting Anxiety' videos. And despite the many ways it has improved, Logan can definitely understand why a dispute between the two would be difficult to open up about. But if he understands, then why does he feel so unnerved?
"Ah," he mumbles, resting his elbow on his knee and his chin in his hand, "as the embodiment of Thomas's anxiety, Virgil has a tendency of overthinking most situations. And obviously, this habit does not only happen for Thomas's sake, so he may be magnifying his own situation and making it seem worse than it actually is. In his head, I mean."
Before he can even finish his sentence, Patton is shaking his head once again, a worried frown tugging at the corners of his lips. "I don't think that's it. Maybe the situation really is as bad as he thinks it is?"
Not comforting in any way, but Logan appreciates his honest opinion. "That is a possibility. Especially considering how fragile their relationship is already; an argument could easily reverse any progress made by the two of them." Seeing the way Patton's hands tighten around the sleeves of his hoodie, Logan rushes to add, "But we can indubitably prevent that from happening! The solution is simple enough: talk to Virgil and gather as much information as we can. And, depending on what the issue is, we help them to resolve it."
Still unsure, Patton chews the end of his sleeve, feeling nerves squeeze his throat and prick at his eyes.
"Don't do that, you'll damage the material," Logan sighs, gently pulling the clothing out of his friend's mouth and resting it back against his shoulder and chest. "We'll find a way to help, I'm sure. But I need your assistance in speaking to Virgil, will you help?"
After an immediate nod of agreement, both of them sink down and head to Virgil's room.
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It isn't a big deal, really. Virgil has just gotten into his own head again, and the whole situation with Deceit hasn't exactly helped him very much. He can always use Tumblr to distract himself, though he knows it won't do him much good.
Sighing heavily, Virgil realises that his gaze is unfocused and blurry, and that he can't even see the post he's trying to read on the screen of his phone. As it turns out, distracting yourself was a lot harder than it sounded. Especially if piercing russet eyes glare at you whenever you blink. He can't decide whether he deserves the almost unbearable weight in his chest or not. It's not like he can switch off this unexplainable fear he feels around Roman, but the creative facet also doesn't deserve to have this fear directed towards him.
Frustrated tears threaten to blur his gaze, but before they can do so, he presses the heels of his hands against his eyes. There's no point in crying, it won't solve anything. But how was he supposed to solve his problem anyway? Would crying make it any worse? Probably not.
Two abrupt gusts of air startle him before he can ponder the benefits of crying any further. He raises his eyebrows in surprise as he sees Logan and Patton standing in front of him, but turns around on the sofa to face them. Just as he opens his mouth to ask them for the reason why they've decided to visit him, Logan clears his throat awkwardly and adjusts the glasses sitting on his nose. "Virgil, we have noticed a concerning change in your relationship with Roman. Have you had a dispute of some kind?"
Oh. They were actually asking about it. It's going to get much more difficult for him to distract himself from it now.
With a loose shrug, Virgil averts his gaze and stares down at his phone, which is still resting in his now sweaty palms. "I don't really know what you mean," he spares them the quickest glance either of them had seen before rubbing the back of his neck and biting his lip, "everything's fine. Don't worry about it."
"Kiddo," Patton says softly and, dammit, Virgil doesn't dare look at him because he knows exactly what he'll see, and it'll completely break his heart, "why won't you tell us anything? We aren't going to get mad at you, okay? All we want to do is help."
The words come out harsher than he intends, and before Virgil can stop them. "How do you know you're not going to get mad? You don't even knows what's wrong, Patton."
All three of them are silent for a moment before he feels the couch dip beside him; Patton has sat so close that their shoulders are brushing, and he can already feel the guilt of snapping at him pile on top of what he already feels. Logan joins them, half-sitting on the arm of the sofa, leaning against the back cushions and watching the two of them closely. He wants to say something, but knows that Patton has brought the anxious persona out of his lonely shell once, and so, there is a higher chance that he can do it again. "I know that I won't get mad because I'll give you a chance to explain yourself. And you already seem to feel pretty bad about whatever happened, so..."
He trails off, and Virgil feels his throat tighten. As a result, his voice becomes quieter, almost a whisper, when he responds. "You'll hate me."
"We won't."
"But- It's like, really bad. And really, really unfair. On Roman, I mean. Not me."
Logan smiles reassuringly. "Let us decide that."
Virgil swallows. He knows that telling them could possibly make himself feel a little better, but the words are just... just so difficult to get out. How can he tell them he's afraid of Roman? Roman, of all people. Just like Virgil, he only aims to protect Thomas and whoever he possibly can, so why he still so scared around him? Why did he genuinely believe that Roman was going to hit him that day?
"It's really-" he cuts himself off when he feels a lump rising in his throat, and closes his eyes to try and desperately will away the tears slowly building up in them. "It's my fault- He didn't do anything wrong. I just... I did what I always do. I took one little thing that- and I applied it to a situation that wasn't even remotely related to it!" He knows that he's rambling now, and his voice is subconsciously getting louder, but he is just so fucking tired of being the way he is and everything– every frustration, every doubt –has just built up to a point where it's overwhelming.
He doesn't even bother looking up at the other two, no longer caring about how they're staring at him, and for a split second, he just doesn't care. "Everything was okay! Everything was fine, but my mind just couldn't accept that nothing was wrong, and decided to bring up old feelings, just to use them against me. I know that it would never happen, and I know that Roman is trying, he's..." Virgil feels his voice crack as he continues. "He's trying so hard. And- And he'd never hurt me, so why..."
Feeling a hot tear slide down his cheek, he trails off and sniffs, dropping his head in his hands and trying to gulp down any gasping breath or sob that tries to escape. An arm wraps around his shoulders and pulls him into a strong embrace, one hand rubbing the spot between his shoulder blades and the other banded tightly around waist. He isn't even paying attention as he weeps into Patton's shoulder, finally confiding in them, and babbling about what happened between him and Roman.
Despite his words being muffled by Patton's shirt and quiet sobs, Logan seems to understand everything he's saying, even if Virgil isn't quite sure himself. He just... tells them absolutely everything. How he had flinched away from Roman; how he had been feeling afraid around the princely trait for a while; how he's terrified that things are going to go back to how they used to be; how he fears Deceit will come back and hurt them somehow. Just... everything.
And it feels... good.
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